Stockholm Syndrome

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been reading everyone's posts and spent some time in the "lessons" section on Stockholm Syndrome.   I think us Children of BPD (... .   there really s/b a name for us!) have this thing in common where everyone around us sees how oddly we respond to our parent's demands/rage/depression, etc.   But we don't see it ourselves until we get to a crisis point.

This behavior is so odd to others, and I'm sure hard to identify with.    Are we trained, or is there something missing in our personalities that cause us to be so devoted to the horribleness?   

My husband observed actual physical changes in me when I was going to go visit my uBPD mom.   He kept saying, "It's like she has a spell on you!"   I always thought he was being super critical/jealous of my time with her.   I would get defensive, and we always would get into a huge fight before my visits.  (He never went with... .     they got into a huge fight and that ended his trips to her place).   

I feel like I'm waking up from that spell now, and am so curious about how many other people saw what I was doing.  I was destroying myself.    I know I have responsibility in this and have made attempts at NC a couple of times.   It was hard, b/c my uBPD mom had a disability and also significant medical issues almost all the time. 

I just find it amazing the pull and power BPD's have in how they can influence us to respond to them.   I like to think of myself as a strong and capable person, but around her I was putty.   I've been so isolated for so long... .   I almost feel like I'm developmentally delayed.

Does anyone else have experience with a Stockholm-like environment?    If so, I'd love to hear your stories.   I'd also love to hear how you are doing now.   

Thanks!

[OnlyChild]

I've been reading everyone's posts and spent some time in the "lessons" section on Stockholm Syndrome.   I think us Children of BPD (... .   there really s/b a name for us!) have this thing in common where everyone around us sees how oddly we respond to our parent's demands/rage/depression, etc.   But we don't see it ourselves until we get to a crisis point.

This behavior is so odd to others, and I'm sure hard to identify with.    Are we trained, or is there something missing in our personalities that cause us to be so devoted to the horribleness?   

My husband observed actual physical changes in me when I was going to go visit my uBPD mom.   He kept saying, "It's like she has a spell on you!"   I always thought he was being super critical/jealous of my time with her.   I would get defensive, and we always would get into a huge fight before my visits.  (He never went with... .     they got into a huge fight and that ended his trips to her place).   

I feel like I'm waking up from that spell now, and am so curious about how many other people saw what I was doing.  I was destroying myself.    I know I have responsibility in this and have made attempts at NC a couple of times.   It was hard, b/c my uBPD mom had a disability and also significant medical issues almost all the time. 

I just find it amazing the pull and power BPD's have in how they can influence us to respond to them.   I like to think of myself as a strong and capable person, but around her I was putty.   I've been so isolated for so long... .   I almost feel like I'm developmentally delayed.

Does anyone else have experience with a Stockholm-like environment?    If so, I'd love to hear your stories.   I'd also love to hear how you are doing now.   

Thanks!

[GeekyGirl]

There are a few reasons why we didn't see our parents' behavior as abnormal:

- As children, we had to rely on our parents for our own well-being. We couldn't take care of ourselves and our parents were essential to our survival. We needed to keep them motivated to take care of us. This can carry into adulthood.

- Many of us grew up with our BPD parents and don't have another frame of reference. What seems abnormal to the rest of the world may seem completely normal to us because we didn't see how other parents behaved.

It has taken me years to fully understand how different my upbringing was from others'. My DH's family really opened my eyes--my parents-in-law in particular have shown me how loving, nurturing parents typically behave. I'm LC with my parents now and don't look for their approval anymore. My mother used to be a huge influence on me; it used to be rare for me to buy clothes without her and I spent most weekends at my parents' house before I got married. Therapy has really helped me to work on my self-esteem and branch out. It's hard to break away when you're so enmeshed, but now I'm my own person, and I can take full credit for my lack of fashion sense. 

[doubleAries]

OnlyChild,

Just last week my therapist talked to me about Stockholm Syndrome. And PTSD. Says he says some traits of these in me, but not the critical parts that would be necessary for a "diagnosis".

But one of the things I am beginning to see as being a very common trait amongst us kids of BPD's is defensiveness. A defensiveness so ingrained we hardly realize it.

I defend myself against people I don't need to defend myself against. When people point out to me that I'm defensive, I become defensive about it (no... .   really). I guess it's only been in the past week that I've really, really seen it for what it is.

[OnlyChild]

I agree about being defensive.   I also agree that I am completely my own worst critic.  I cut other so much more slack than I allow myself.   But I'm working on knowing that I'm good enough; and also trying to give myself credit for what I am really-really good at.   It feels like arrogance to me, but hopefully with enough positive affirmations, I will someday built my confident to  a healthier level.

Optimismandlove:   I am 44 and it took my nearly a year after the death of my uBPD mom to start really making an appropriate effort to free myself of the confines of being raised the way we were.  I tried several times, have been in & out of counseling since my parent's divorce with no success.    I want success now.  I want to be a different healthy person.   In a way I feel like I'm cheating at this... .   as terrible as this sounds, it is easier I think when her constant influence is no longer there.   Even during times of NC, I still worried about her (like she was my child or spouse). 

I don't think we can completely blame ourselves for getting to our age and not seeing through this.   I think we can appropriately "credit" the power of our parents' BPD behaviors that created us to be this way.  Unless later psychologist discover that all of us kids of BPD parents have some weird gene that makes us devote ourselves to such beings. 

[doubleAries]

I've actually spent a pretty fair amount of time pondering all of this (thinking helps me avoid the feelings I need to deal with  )

I thought perhaps I had some unique situation, but am seeing how many other children of BPD's experience something very similar to myself--something you just mentioned, OnlyChild---when I try to show myself self-love or give myself credit, it just reeks of narcissism to me. Makes me feel nauseas.

And "the familiar"--well, as kids, we learned/taught ourselves certain coping skills to deal with our BPD parent(s). Because that parent told us it was our fault they felt the way they did, we believed them, and tried to "act right" (control their feelings with our behavior). It didn't work, of course, but what else did we have? We probably believed that it should work, but we just weren't doing it good enough.

These coping skills became practised, automatic behavior. Like ANY habit, it's hard to undo. Undoing it requires focused, purposeful attention. No, it's not impossible--just hard because it requires vigilance at first. It has to be replaced with some other more appropriate behavior. We can't react to healthy others the same way we reacted to our BPD parent. And until we understand we are reacting in this automatic way and successfully change it, we don't really get along that well with healthy others--we find ourselves gravitating to people and situations where we can use these skills we developed (even if they aren't effective). And that takes place on a mostly unconscious level.

Changing it looks (feels) like self indulgent, arrogant, narcissism. To us, anyway... .  

Now and then, I actually hear some of my own self talk. And at times I am flabbergasted. I wouldn't dream of talking to anyone else the way I talk to myself! No wonder self love seems like narcissism!

[OnlyChild]

And "the familiar"--well, as kids, we learned/taught ourselves certain coping skills to deal with our BPD parent(s). Because that parent told us it was our fault they felt the way they did, we believed them, and tried to "act right" (control their feelings with our behavior). It didn't work, of course, but what else did we have? We probably believed that it should work, but we just weren't doing it good enough.

These coping skills became practised, automatic behavior. Like ANY habit, it's hard to undo. Undoing it requires focused, purposeful attention. No, it's not impossible--just hard because it requires vigilance at first. It has to be replaced with some other more appropriate behavior. We can't react to healthy others the same way we reacted to our BPD parent. And until we understand we are reacting in this automatic way and successfully change it, we don't really get along that well with healthy others--we find ourselves gravitating to people and situations where we can use these skills we developed (even if they aren't effective). And that takes place on a mostly unconscious level.

This quote is going on my mirror!   

A counselor I went to once told me to post affirmations on my mirror and read them everyday.  Your words are very motivating,  thank you.

[OnlyChild]

I agree... .   we need to find positive things about ourselves, even as damaged as we are.

We probably do well in the helping-field... .   we're the neighbor who insists on making soup, and the wife who would prefer to do the chores because our husband had a bad day.   These things make us good people that others like to be around.   Our challenge is developing the boundaries so we don't lose ourselves or resent others for how much we give of ourselves.

I too believe that I will someday be rewarded for my good deeds.   I have seen rewards and know I'm very lucky to have rekindled a relationship with my dad who I "broke up" with after my mom's inability to cope with our visitations.  He took me back, and I know he feels bad about what happened... .   we were both victims of circumstance, and are happy to be reunited. 

I think it is important to recognize these positives.   We deserve them!

[doubleAries]

Oh, we're helpful alright! Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

I think that often, deep down we believe we have to "earn" someone elses love, by helping them. Look how hard we have to work to earn our OWN love!

That doesn't mean being helpful is a bad thing. Applied to the right situations and context, it's great. For example, I became a volunteer firefighter/first responder 4 years ago. That has worked out a LOT better than rescuing and "saving" my soon to be ex husband who is bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD, and NPD. In fact, that latter situation has actually worked out a lot like when I was a kid--no matter how much I do or how good I do it, it isn't good enough. Maybe trying to have a "do-over"? If so, it hasn't worked... .  

[Cordelia]

I think that often, deep down we believe we have to "earn" someone elses love, by helping them. Look how hard we have to work to earn our OWN love!

  Love this!  Such an insight.  It's true, I find it so hard to love myself without having proven that I've done my very best, tried my hardest, made the best possible choices I could have made.  But I know genuine love is unconditional and is a response to the totality of a person, a simple appreciation of them whether they are happy or sad, hardworking or lazy at this particular moment.  So hard to get there with myself (or my uBPD mother)... .   !

[salvia]

OnlyChild-

When you say you feel like you are waking up from a spell, I believe I understand what you mean.  (By the way, you are ahead of me, experiencing this at age 44.  It happened to me at age 45!  ) I still feel that way, too, somewhat.  At first, when I began realizing, or allowing myself to see, I felt incredibly panicky and afraid- Oh God, if I didn't see this for what it really was, what else did I get wrong?  What is real?  And yes, I also felt developmentally delayed, especially when my husband first asked me to identify how I was feeling.  I thought, What do you mean, how do I feel?     (What a concept!)  I am still learning. 

Like doubleAries, I would prefer to think, rather than feel, especially when I am having an "unacceptable" feeling, like anger. And the whole idea of self-love being narcissistic/arrogant- I'm right there with you two on that one!  My husband has said to me, You would never treat another the way you treat yourself.  He is there, gently encouraging me to put down the hammer, and be gentle with myself. 

[doubleAries]

On the one hand, this "waking up from a spell" thing is exhilarating. But on the other hand, it's frightening. I too worry "what else do I have all wrong?" And what worries me the most is the idea of if I didn't see this coming, how am I going to see it coming AGAIN?

I think it has to do with "point of reference"

point of ref·er·ence

1.something to refer to: something to which somebody can refer in order to check direction or progress, as a guide to action or conduct, or as an aid to understanding or communication

I use this analogy: if a person goes to a concentration camp, he still has his life prior to the concentration camp to compare his experinece to (so he can orient himself as to what is wrong with his concentration camp experience). But what about those of us who were born into the concentration camp? What is our point of reference? Maybe the concentration camp analogy is a little over the top for some of you, but not in my case. My mom was VERY extreme. Perhaps ultimately the same experience, just a lot more of it and a lot more severe. So just degrees of point of reference distortion. But hopefully it still makes the point.

[OnlyChild]

DoubleAires,

It makes perfect sense.  Our point of reference wasn't so hot to begin with causing us to doubt ourselves in almost every aspect.  I guess the good thing is that we do have the concept of what "does not feel right" and that we would never be as hard on others as we our on ourselves.   Maybe that's the point of reference we need to maintain. 

As we were all raised not feeling that we had a right to feel, and the demands for us to think and strategize everything makes it even harder for us to be in touch with our feelings.   I know my husband gets frustrated when he wants to talk about something, and I have very little perception to add to the conversation after quoting some things I read or other factual-based ideas.    Maybe since fact wasn't really a part of our upbringing we hold more value to fact as well.   Two strikes for us:  we can't allow ourselves to feel and we gravitate toward fact. 

[doubleAries]

You know, I do think you are right!

And yeah, we do know someting wasn't right with our upbringing, but we don't know what IS right (healthy). Probably wouldn't know it if it slapped us in the face! A lot because of that self doubt and second guessing. I am an absolute expert at second guessing myself. It always starts with "wait a minute. What if... .  "

My mom always told me I was completely selfish. It wasn't true, but I'm not sure what selfish really is or is not. So I doubt myself all the time and second guess everything I do/say/think/feel.

Even when I'm with a an ASPD/NPD (who truly IS selfish), all he has to do is call ME selfish and there I am, scrutinizing myself! "Wait a minute. What if that's true and I'm in denial? If so many people (um, that would be my husband and my mother--not "so many" people  ) think I'm selfish, there must be some truth to it!" So I end up trying to not even be a self. That's what I mean about reference point.

All of us here are so helpful to each other! each of us has some little piece of the puzzle that we often take for granted, but that are amazing  to others! All we have to do is put our  pieces together and we can come up with a picture! 

[OnlyChild]

Well said DoubleAires 

[donniesgrrl]

My husband observed actual physical changes in me when I was going to go visit my uBPD mom.   He kept saying, "It's like she has a spell on you!"   I always thought he was being super critical/jealous of my time with her.   I would get defensive, and we always would get into a huge fight before my visits.  (He never went with... .     they got into a huge fight and that ended his trips to her place).   

I feel like I'm waking up from that spell now, and am so curious about how many other people saw what I was doing.  I was destroying myself.    I know I have responsibility in this and have made attempts at NC a couple of times.   It was hard, b/c my uBPD mom had a disability and also significant medical issues almost all the time. 

I just find it amazing the pull and power BPD's have in how they can influence us to respond to them.   I like to think of myself as a strong and capable person, but around her I was putty.   I've been so isolated for so long... .   I almost feel like I'm developmentally delayed.

Does anyone else have experience with a Stockholm-like environment?    If so, I'd love to hear your stories.   I'd also love to hear how you are doing now.   

Thanks!

I know exactly what you are talking about, at first I had huge amounts of guilt, and felt like I was making things up in my mind, until my H sat me down and said no baby it really is that bad.  Then I went through this completely elated period once I realized how free I was, it was crazy, it was like getting to live through that getting out of the house at 18 stage except without all of the fear, and now I waiver between elated and mourning, which my therapist said is normal.  I am mourning the life I didn't have (missed childhood experiences, loss of the mother I thought I had, etc) but I am excited about the future and am seeing how awesome life is going to be. 

It is strange most times really, I feel like I am watching from the outside looking in at certain times, especially when I am with my In Laws, because I have no idea how to interact in a "normal" family setting.  I am so used to walking on egg shells, and watching every move I make, and word I say so as not to incite, and then it doesn't seem to matter because something always happens.  It's funny in a sad way that my sisters and I joke about waiting for the phone call to run down the list of complaints and imagined crimes that were committed, and the rage that comes with it.  I no longer wait for the phone call though, If there is one I ignore it, I don't get involved.  I have closed myself off in such a way that it appears to be avoidance but in reality it is very significant boundaries that I have made to protect my very fragile self at this time.  They may expand at some point but until I feel "normal" they are staying in place, however long that may be.  I have also realized that it is ok to do that.  I don't owe anyone any explanation and if they don't like it that is their damn problem, not mine.

I have realized that my eating issues (varies from completely starving myself, to obsessive overeating) came mostly from my childhood, food withholding was a big thing in our house, we would be locked in our rooms until we broke  if we did something deemed "bad", only let out to go to the bathroom, no food given, and only glasses of water maybe. We never had snacks in the house, well there was food, but we were never allowed to touch it, if we did, all hell would break loose. We ate when uBPD mom was ready to eat and if that was only once a day well then we only ate once a day.  I realize this is why I overbuy food for my kids and husband and I, if the shelves get even near empty I flip out and run to the grocery store and spend 200 dollars.  I have no clue how to eat healthy, and no clue what a normal eating schedule even looks like.  I am working with a nutritionist so I don't impart my bad habits on my kids.  I also have a bad habit of beating myself up about my weight, mostly because when I was growing up I was either too fat or too skinny, my mom seemed to be oblivious to the raging eating disorder I had, that I eventually sought help for in college when my room mates confronted me over my binging and purging. 

I always thought I was a happy healthy person until I realized that I wasn't and that blow was massive.  I am much better now, and in a much better place but in the beginning I thought I was going to end up committed, the anxiety attacks, the constant battle of inner voices (uBPD mom vs my own voice), was maddening.

Thankfully I have an amazing Husband, and MIL and Step Mom, and Aunts who have really helped me to figure out who the hell I am and what I want Vs. what my UBPD mom needs me to be, which is what it was always about.  I still have a really long road ahead of me, but I have a very positive outlook on it, and realize that I am a pretty damn good person, with 2 amazing kids, and a fantastic Husband, and that at the end of the day, the only responsibility I have is to be the best me I can be, so that my kids can be the best them that they can be, without pressure or demands for them to be who I want them to be, and that Ladies and gentlemen is the number 1 priority in my world.

   

[doubleAries]

donniesgrrl, I read your reply here with my mouth hanging open! The similarities to my own childhood are uncanny! My brothers and I weren't allowed to eat either. I was always flabbergasted the few times I was allowed to go to another kids house after school when they would open the refrigerator and get a snack--without getting the living crap beat out of them.

My mom was totally weird about food. She bought the cheapest junk and outdated food for the family, but bought exotic expensive imported stuff for herself which she kept locked in her bedroom under her bed so no one else could have any. When a gallon of milk didn't last (in a family of 6) for a week or more, she would go ballistic--someone would be picked out as the "culprit" and get a beating and then she wouldn't buy any more milk for a month or more... .  because we were all such "filthy greedy pigs". Meanwhile, we ate generic mac & cheese with no butter or milk, dried-out outdated bread, and lots of beans. We were all too skinny and my mom was overweight. When she would decide to go on a diet, we all had to "diet" as well---1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1 stick each of celery and a carrot (that's it all day). Then she would go in her room and binge on her stash of goodies--a luxury the rest of us weren't allowed.

Once, my brother burned a cheap hot dog on the camp fire and tried to hide it by throwing it in the fast moving river, but she saw him throw it in there and made him swim out and get it, then come back and eat it, then eat ALL the hot dogs to show what a pig he was and that it was his fault that there were no more hot dogs for the rest of us. Another time, she made him kill my pet rabbit Cinnamon and then she cooked it and tried to make me eat it. I couldn't, so she made me sit at the table with it in front of me (and it's bloody head on the kitchen cabinet) until midnight, then flew into a rage and smashed my face into the plate over and over, picked me up by the neck and threw me into my bedroom and turned the light off. Another time, I sneaked a can of tuna fish out of the cabinet (during the school year, I stealthily retrieved uneaten food from the garbage cans at school for something to eat because we never had breakfast or lunch and sometimes not dinner either, but this was during the summer and I was really hungry). She caught me and opened up 9 more cans of tuna and dumped them in a bowl and proceeded to make an "example" out of me for being a filthy greedy pig, by screaming at me (plus slapping, spitting in my face, and punching me) for 4 hours before she made me eat all the tuna with my hands--when I couldn't, she started shoving it down my throat until I puked in the bowl. That REALLY made her mad. So she ground my face into the tuna/puke for a few minutes, while screaming like a banshee. We were regularly locked (with a padlock) in our rooms without food.

My brothers and I "joke" about food under the bed and filthy greedy pigs. No one else understands what we are talking about or what could possibly be "funny" about it.

I never developed an eating disorder, but sometimes I find myself feeling hungry while food is going bad in my refrigerator. If I'm invited to dinner at someones house, I worry relentlessly about appearing "greedy" in my portions. I'm startled when they want to converse at the table (that was strictly forbidden when I was a kid--my mom was allowed to talk at the table but no one else was--including my stepdad). I buy a lot of food, but am sometimes apprehensive about eating it (and no, I don't hide it under my bed! <----see, that's the kind of jokes we have in my family)

Geez---I am really, really relieved to be a grown up now--even if I have a lot of stuff to work through still!

[mindfulness]

My husband observed actual physical changes in me when I was going to go visit my uBPD mom.   He kept saying, "It's like she has a spell on you!"   I always thought he was being super critical/jealous of my time with her.  

I went through a similar experience. From the minute my now-husband met my uBPDm, she had criticisms about him. I would lay them at his feet in her defense, "How come you're not friendlier to my mom?" "She wants to have a relationship with you but she thinks you aren't interested in her," etc. etc. When he would tell me, well, it's because I've seen your mom be nasty to you and it scares me. Or, well your mom is quite intimidating. Or, well your mom doesn't seem to like me that much, either -- I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to defend her to the death. Of course this was before I began therapy and my quest to heal myself and end our codependent relationship, so at that time facing the reality that it really was her and not him was not something I could have handled.

Now, I see how right he was all along. I have a lot of guilt about the stance that I took and that I didn't defend him or see his point of view. It's unhealthy enough for a child to be triangulated between a spouse and a parent, but it's even worse when the child is siding with the parent instead of the spouse. I think this kind of thing can lead to divorces and break-ups. So I am so glad that now, years later, I have been able to emerge from the spell as you call it and realize that she is the aggressore, he the victim, and he is who I should be siding with -- not her, ever. Thankfully, I broke the spell before it did more damage to my relationship with my husband and have been able to make up for some of my earlier mistakes by now telling him (and showing) that I won't stand for her abusing him directly or trying to manipulate me into going against him and siding with her. I also had a very serious conversation with him recently where I straight up apologized for not seeing his side of things and made it clear that I was in the wrong to have done that. He recognizes that it was a product of my mother's manipulations and not completely my "fault," however I don't want to get into a game of victim playing, where I don't accept any blame or responsibility for my actions -- even ones that have been preempted by an abusive parent -- so I recognize that my apology and admittance that I was wrong is important (wonder why I'm so sensitive about this?   )

A lot of it mimics my relationship with my father, as well. I always defended her against him, and was so blindly loyal to her that I often blamed him for things that were not his fault (i.e. a lot of what happened during their divorce) and ended up near destroying my relationship with him. This pattern has been going on for much longer than it ever was with my husband--27 years!--so it is going to take a lot more to undo. But I am working on and I think my relationship with my father is getting stronger. Thank goodness I have a wonderful therapist to help me through... .  

[donniesgrrl]

I went through a similar experience. From the minute my now-husband met my uBPDm, she had criticisms about him. I would lay them at his feet in her defense, "How come you're not friendlier to my mom?" "She wants to have a relationship with you but she thinks you aren't interested in her," etc. etc. When he would tell me, well, it's because I've seen your mom be nasty to you and it scares me. Or, well your mom is quite intimidating. Or, well your mom doesn't seem to like me that much, either -- I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to defend her to the death. Of course this was before I began therapy and my quest to heal myself and end our codependent relationship, so at that time facing the reality that it really was her and not him was not something I could have handled.

Now, I see how right he was all along. I have a lot of guilt about the stance that I took and that I didn't defend him or see his point of view. It's unhealthy enough for a child to be triangulated between a spouse and a parent, but it's even worse when the child is siding with the parent instead of the spouse. I think this kind of thing can lead to divorces and break-ups. So I am so glad that now, years later, I have been able to emerge from the spell as you call it and realize that she is the aggressore, he the victim, and he is who I should be siding with -- not her, ever. Thankfully, I broke the spell before it did more damage to my relationship with my husband and have been able to make up for some of my earlier mistakes by now telling him (and showing) that I won't stand for her abusing him directly or trying to manipulate me into going against him and siding with her. I also had a very serious conversation with him recently where I straight up apologized for not seeing his side of things and made it clear that I was in the wrong to have done that. He recognizes that it was a product of my mother's manipulations and not completely my "fault," however I don't want to get into a game of victim playing, where I don't accept any blame or responsibility for my actions -- even ones that have been preempted by an abusive parent -- so I recognize that my apology and admittance that I was wrong is important (wonder why I'm so sensitive about this?   )

My Goodness Mindfulness, it is like we grew up in the same house, I keep encountering this over and over again on here and while it is really validating it makes me so sad for all of us.  Thank god for bpdfamily.com.  

TO what you said, I almost lost my Marriage because of my Mom, I constantly let her run my Husband down, and at a certain point began to believe her.  It wasn't until my breakthrough crisis, that I realized what I was doing to him, to us, and to our family.  There are times when I can not even believe he stayed, and while yes he is not perfect, he is a really good man.  He supported me through moving closer to my family (because it is what my mom wanted) even though it put a HUGE Rift in his,  in fact we were low contact with his parents for over a year... .  funny I thought they were the problem.  Thank goodness his Mother is an amazing woman and after a few heart to hearts we have built an amazing relationship.  It wasn't until I started therapy that I realized how much damage I did to our relationship.  

I sat him down about 3 months after this all began and just sobbed and begged for him to forgive me, and told him how sorry I was for allowing this to happen for all these years.  He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me square in the eye and said baby you didn't know any different, I appreciate you apologizing but it is not required, you were abused, you were on a sick carousel and had no idea to get off.  I then of course cried some more because I realized what I almost lost, how much he loves me and sacrificed for me, and stood by me no matter what... .  needless to say our relationship is on a great journey of repair and we are falling in love all over again, and we are starting to talk about baby number 3.  

I may have lost my mom (our what I thought was a normal mom) in all of this but I have gained so so much more and that is what I am choosing to focus on

[January86]

It's amazing how so many of us have so close experiences and thoughts! 

I am having a tough time with the same idea:

-if I thought my family was normal what else in my life did I get wrong? what is real? is my relationship with my boyfriend how it should be? I am a good/bad friend? And even worse, I am a good person?

In my mind I feel like the floor my feet is attached to breaks down, and I can go in any direction which feels free and great, but afraid that the way I choose is the way of a crazy person, a selfish person or a bad person. I keep having this visual thoughts of the breaking apart floor... .  

I am scared in many areas of my life, for example, when I argue with my boyfriend I oscillate from being sure of my perspective and wanting to defend my point, to suddenly feeling like I am behaving like my mother and being intolerant. Sometimes I worry he takes advantage of my vulnerability and sometimes I feel I am so stubborn.

Also I don't regulate properly how much of my thoughts and feelings I have to tell to my friends and boyfriend without feeling dishonest, what I am allowed to keep for myself without being a bad secret? 

It happens too with my professional life, I'm not sure if with more support I could have choose a career I like more or if that is a dream because if it is a difficult thing to achieve and I am not being realistic.

I try to follow my "this feels good, this feels bad" as point of reference, but sometimes I oscillate from: "I am sure this feels good, to I am sure this feels bad", and what scares me the most is to hurt people in this changing of mind process, most of it my boyfriend -we broke up two times because of my doubts-. It is not I don't do what I want, is that I don't know what I want and I feel terrible about hurting people.

Hugs and thank you for your posts, I thought I was the only one with these fears, you are so helpful!