question about newborn

[Eco]

not sure if this is the right board for this question, Does anyone have any experience with being seperated from your child from birth to say 3 months?

my uNPDxgf is keeping me away from my 1 month old daughter and untill i get legitimized as the father she wont let me see her, im not sure how long that will take, im seeing another lawyer tomorrow to hopefully get the process started.  Im curious and worried that this time apart from my daughter will have a negative effect on her, I saw my daughter from birth up to about 3 weeks old.

[ForeverDad]

As difficult as this is to accept, your blocked access for a few weeks or months will hurt you more than it will hurt your child.

What you need to be careful about is not to do anything that would give her an excuse to twist facts in her favor or frame you for doing anything that looks dangerous or troubling.  That means no drive bys, no calls if she tells you not to call, etc.  Your lawyer will surely give you additional instructions.

You'll have to wait on the court to crawl though its steps.  And sadly, court won't be very concerned about the passing time or that you've been blocked for weeks or months.  Mine wasn't.  Most aren't.

[Eco]

thanks FD for the quick response

It is extremly painful for me but im not worried about my pain I was just worried about my daughter and any negative affects on her or our R/S.

What you need to be careful about is not to do anything that would give her an excuse to twist facts in her favor or frame you for doing anything that looks dangerous or troubling.  That means no drive bys, no calls if she tells you not to call, etc.  Your lawyer will surely give you additional instructions.

I absolutely agree and im keeping very calm about it, I am extremly angry and frustrated at my ex for doing this im not going to let that get to me and do something stupid. I was thinking of texting her today and asking how my daughter is doing and ask if she needs any diapers or anything else and maybe let me see her but im going to wait and see what my lawyer says tomorrow before i do that.

[momtara]

I'm a mom of 2 very young kids and at that age, they probably won't know the difference, as long as someone is holding them and loving them.  Psychological wise, I don't think it will hurt her relationship with you or mess her up for later on.  Just stay steady and do the best you can legally.  Good luck!

[Eco]

thanks momtara 

[livednlearned]

You're a good dad to care so much about the bonding this young, but I agree with FD and momtara, it's going to be ok.

But do fight to stay in your daughter's life. She is going to need you more than she can imagine. People here are great at giving advice about how to navigate the legal system.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That's an essential must-read for anyone dealing with a disordered ex in the family court system.

[KateCat]

Eco, does the mom receive any public assistance for your daughter? Sometimes when that's the case, a legal arm of the state child support agency is more than eager to "work the case" for a biological father trying to his establish his paternity. Where I live, if the mother has not named a legal father and she receives aid for the child, the man who believes he is the father just has to walk in for an interview to get the ball rolling and he will be given an appointment for DNA testing.

[ForeverDad]

Eco, does the mom receive any public assistance for your daughter? Sometimes when that's the case, a legal arm of the state child support agency is more than eager to "work the case" for a biological father trying to his establish his paternity. Where I live, if the mother has not named a legal father and she receives aid for the child, the man who believes he is the father just has to walk in for an interview to get the ball rolling and he will be given an appointment for DNA testing.

That's one way to start but I have a concern if starting from that direction for a high conflict situation.  Consider the state's focus, it's simply getting the father to pay, not to support your parenting efforts.  You may or may not need to pay child support, but why help the system to work from that Child Support angle?  Yes, going to family court first to establish paternity probably will expose you to that CS possibility anyway, but why start from that direction?  It may save you a few dollars now going to the agency rather than filing for the bigger package in family court but it may cost you a lot more long term.  I think going to court first makes a better start for you as a father, you could state at the onset you're seeking as much custodial responsibility and parenting time as possible.  You almost surely won't get that initially, but doing it that way you can document from the very start your desires to parent as much as possible and your deep concerns about her parenting and refusal/inability to share parenting.  Getting socked with child support first and then going to family court to seek parenting time or more parenting time could be seen as your belated attempt to pay less child support, the court could suspect that as your real motive and be less inclined to listen to your concerns.

[KateCat]

ForeverDad,

In my state, a visit to the "family support" division of the prosecuting attorney's office by an unmarried father seeking parental rights results in a full-service court case, including a facilitated and very comprehensive parenting plan whose preparation is assisted by the office paralegals, who are often individuals with social work experience and/or psychology degrees. When I worked in such an office, the individuals resisting the process were almost invariably the mothers. The dads received legal services at a fraction of what they would otherwise have spent on lawyers. . . . And yes, the state does this for its own interests, including that famous "best interests of the child" mantra. Employees often had the opportunity to attend lectures and workshops on the importance of supporting a father's parenting efforts.

If other states are very different in their procedures, then Eco might indeed not want to pursue that option. It would be worth checking out . . .

[ForeverDad]

Wow, thanks for that information.  It just demonstrates we have to find out what's available and how things work in our countries, states and local jurisditions.

I doubt my state does that much.  I have custody but pay my ex child support.  I've reported to the CSEA that I keep getting listed on documents as the non-custodial parent but I'm always told "the software always refers to the parent paying CS as the non-custodial parent, we can't change that."

[KateCat]

I live in Seattle, and I am getting the distinct impression that that is not precisely like living in each and every place in the U.S. 

[Eco]

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? That's an essential must-read for anyone dealing with a disordered ex in the family court system.

thanks so much livednlearned   i will have to read that

Eco, does the mom receive any public assistance for your daughter? Sometimes when that's the case, a legal arm of the state child support agency is more than eager to "work the case" for a biological father trying to his establish his paternity. Where I live, if the mother has not named a legal father and she receives aid for the child, the man who believes he is the father just has to walk in for an interview to get the ball rolling and he will be given an appointment for DNA testing.

she does, I am calling a place tomorrow that does legal aid for these things. its actually in the same county that the courts i will go through for the legitimization process is in. Im hoping I can get a lawyer to aid me with the visatation and custody part as its lengthy and im sure my exgf wont go along with joint custody.

thanks for the info katecat

That's one way to start but I have a concern if starting from that direction for a high conflict situation.  Consider the state's focus, it's simply getting the father to pay, not to support your parenting efforts.  You may or may not need to pay child support, but why help the system to work from that Child Support angle?  Yes, going to family court first to establish paternity probably will expose you to that CS possibility anyway, but why start from that direction?  It may save you a few dollars now going to the agency rather than filing for the bigger package in family court but it may cost you a lot more long term.  I think going to court first makes a better start for you as a father, you could state at the onset you're seeking as much custodial responsibility and parenting time as possible.  You almost surely won't get that initially, but doing it that way you can document from the very start your desires to parent as much as possible and your deep concerns about her parenting and refusal/inability to share parenting.  Getting socked with child support first and then going to family court to seek parenting time or more parenting time could be seen as your belated attempt to pay less child support, the court could suspect that as your real motive and be less inclined to listen to your concerns.

I fear that as well FD and im almost sure my state (ga) wont give me the kind of help that katecats state does but im hoping I can get some help and get the ball rolling. I hopfully will know more tomorrow, i have to call for a appointment and be no later than the 15th caller for that day. they only accept the first 15 callers for appointments each day

[KateCat]

Good for you, Eco! I hope that even if your state/county bureaucracy can't provide you with much in the way of practical legal assistance you will find that the court personnel have the same great respect for fathers wanting to be part of their children's lives that my former co-workers always did. 

[motherof1yearold]

I can greatly sympathize with you. My daughter is almost 2 now. When she was a year old my ex BPD partner took her away and blocked ALL access for 30 days . I am her mother, was still breastfeeding , never been away from my side for even 5 minutes. I can only imagine how she felt at the time. I  have the same thoughts and questions you do.

Good luck