Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:24:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: craziness post divorce/no custody order  (Read 2883 times)
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #60 on: April 18, 2013, 12:52:26 PM »

I really feel for you. This is an awful gray area to be in with someone this disordered, and has to be rip your heart out that D2 is caught in the middle.

Big   to you.

If you have a smart phone, maybe email him from the station (when he doesn't show up) to document that he is not there.

Logged

Breathe.
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #61 on: April 18, 2013, 01:01:15 PM »

Yes, it is gut-wrenching, knowing that I am truly trying to do what is best for D2, and he truly is not, and then no one can really do anything to help me.

I will text him when I show at 6:15 as I have done each time as means of documentation.

Thanks for the hug... .   I wish we could all meet and have coffee.

I often wish I could sit and talk with one or two of you, rather than anxiously await your blog replies... .   but this is much better than nothing! 

Thank you so much for following my story and continuing to support me!
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #62 on: April 18, 2013, 01:09:01 PM »

I often wish I could sit and talk with one or two of you, rather than anxiously await your blog replies... .   but this is much better than nothing!

I have that feeling too, and some members do use personal messages, or even connect by phone.

But what I've learned from the staff and long-time members here is that, as awkward and slow as it can be, the best way to use this community is to post your stuff on a thread, like you're doing here.  You get different inputs that way - not just one or two points of view - and that can be incredibly helpful - somebody out of the blue gives you something very valuable that you wouldn't have gotten if you were talking in a more private way.

So... .   if you can find moral support and hugs from real-life people who know you and care about you, and balance that with what you get from your friends here, that will be best.

(But if I could get us all together for a few hours every weekend, I'd do that in a minute!)

Matt
Logged

ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #63 on: April 18, 2013, 01:21:59 PM »

again he wants to push that he must have her on the weekends when I have my son and that he must have 50/50 as far as overnight.

This of course is ridiculous.  Court will almost surely ignore his claim for opposite weekends.  However, ponder this.  By his attempting this without solid reasons for doing so, he is seeking to reduce the time the children spend together.  In xPD land, isolation is a known weapon of choice.  Another possiblity is that he's trying to obstuct you as much as he can... .   Whichever it is, or likely both, you need to stand firm and most likely the court will support your reasonable choices and decisions.

Also, have you requested that his frequent late afternoon pickups end or greatly reduced?  He's moved out now, so it's l=not like he's doing this before you come home to her.  It's only for a couple hours and it's his way to stay in contact with you and have frequent exchanges.  In xPD land, the fewer the exchanges, the better.

Don't forget to always add that you don't want those recently demanded 1-2 hour afternoon visits to hinder his job searches or job prospects.
Logged

nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #64 on: April 18, 2013, 01:38:24 PM »

I have not tried to change the afternoon pickups yet... .   but will soon. 

I think I see an opening.  Along with our upcoming custody conciliation scheduled for May 8th, my FT position has been approved to change to an 80% position starting May 5th.  So I will be able to include that I am now available to pick her up from daycare on a regular basis (I will be working 5 days of slightly shorter hours, and she will not be in danger of being at daycare for 10 hrs).  And also, I want him to have the full opportunity for job searches/prospects as you mentioned, FD Smiling (click to insert in post)

What do you all think about me hiring a FT private babysitter to watch her in my home?  Ex has always said that he doesn't want her in daycare.  My thinking is a sitter that can't be shared.  ie, right now, I pay for daycare, and he takes her there as a babysitter.  Although he doesn't take her there when he feels like I might try to come and get her, like today.  This way, she would stay in the house, and he can't come into the house to get her.  I don't know... .   I'm only just thinking about this, and don't have any real clear thoughts on that, but looking for other thoughts or opinions.

I am certain that most of his custody crap is to 1. get child support and 2. hurt me.  Keep the kids separate, allow me less time with D2, don't allow me any free time from the kids, etc. 
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #65 on: April 18, 2013, 03:04:23 PM »

You: You pushed me.

Him: No, I didn't.

You: D saw you push me.

Him: No, she didn't

Police: We won't do anything but we will/might talk to him.

I may have it wrong, but I think this is 'hearsay' where two or more people claim different events and the officials disclaim any ability to discern which one is telling the truth, or possibly neither.  Often it is all dismissed or ignored.  Yes, that can happen even with documentation, but it's more likely to happen without documentation.

It's been mentioned before, is there anything stopping you from having a recorder running during exchanges?

If you don't know how, just visit a Radio Shack, Best Buy, Microcenter, Amazon, etc.  They all sell a variety of devices that can record discreetly and without fanfare or beeps.  If you have a smart phone, it might even be able to record, just read the manual, get an online manual, help from others or upgrade to a more recording-friendly phone.  It's your decision, action or inaction?

If you have legal concerns about whether you're allowed to record, rest assured that very few here have had serious repercussions from recording.  At most they've been told not to record.  A very few had judges get peeved at them and make an order not to record.  So your risks for recording are low.  (And if nothing significant ever happens then you can remain silent, never use them and ex would never know.)  But your risks (affecting your parenting outcome) for not recording are high.  How so?  Already there have been a couple incidents that, if documented, would have made him look worse than he would otherwise.  Now, during the start of separation and the initial jostling for preference in the first temp order, the conflict is probably higher than at any other time.
Logged

GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #66 on: April 18, 2013, 03:17:13 PM »

As to the babysitter, you can make a case that at D's age, the socialization with other children is important.  You might do better staying with the daycare/nursery school situation until your ex understands what he can and can't do.  He might show up at your house and try to intimidate the babysitter -- not good.  Daycare centers are better equipped to handle parent conflicts -- you'll give them the eventual court order, and they will go by what it says.

On the alternating weekends, one of the primary considerations is the time the siblings can spend together with you in recreational activities.  Essentially, he is saying to you that you will NEVER be able to take the children to a weekend activity like Six Flags, Sea World, the zoo, a movie... .   whatever... .   together.  That's not good for the siblings.

Of course, he's probably well aware that always having a child on the weekend could restrict your own social life.  That's how they think.

I have a recorder that I use for work purposes when I need a quick interview with a subject matter expert (I manage a lot of instructional design projects) -- it just hangs on a key chain, very discreet.

Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #67 on: April 18, 2013, 04:15:29 PM »

I may have it wrong, but I think this is 'hearsay' where two or more people claim different events and the officials disclaim any ability to discern which one is telling the truth, or possibly neither.  Often it is all dismissed or ignored.  Yes, that can happen even with documentation, but it's more likely to happen without documentation.

This isn't how it works where I live, and in many other states.

(And by the way, I'm not advocating how things should be, just telling you how it is.)

Where I live, when a woman calls 911 and reports an incident of domestic violence - and the definition of ":)V" is very, very broad - the police are required to go there and arrest the man - no matter what they find.

If they find the woman passed out drunk, and the man taking care of the kids;  if they catch the woman telling obvious lies;  or if it's "he-said, she-said" and there is no evidence at all - doesn't matter.  The law requires the police to - as they explained it to me while cuffing me - "Bring you in, charge you, hold you, and let the judge decide in the morning."

In my case, the officers did a great job gathering evidence, and their report, issued a few weeks later, proved my wife was lying.  But on that night, since she had called 911 and stated that I had assaulted her, they had no choice, under my state's laws and about 20 other states too, but to arrest me and charge me.

Some states have milder laws - this is all fallout from politics of course - but I think you will probably find that the laws all over the US heavily favor a woman who makes an accusation of DV against a man.

Of course I'm not saying I agree with all this, or that you should abuse the system to hurt the other party.  But if you are telling the truth, and you were the victim of DV, I think you will find that the laws are very heavily on your side.
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #68 on: April 18, 2013, 07:48:21 PM »

nowheretogo,

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but your ex seems as disordered as mine, minus the well-paying job that my ex has. N/BPDx is very high functioning, but I've been stunned to see how his behavior plays out in front of third-party professionals, including lawyers, judges, and therapists. The same thing is going to happen to your ex. You're going to have to walk through hell to get there, because it is a mental illness we're talking about after all, but you will get there. Just keep letting your strength fill up that tank inside you, and focus on what you're doing well. This is an extraordinarily hard thing to go through, and you're doing really well. Be proud that you got this far.

I'm just saying that because I was swimming in anxiety when I was in your position in my divorce and was so worried that N/BPDx was going to waltz away with everything he asked for, and S11 would fall through a big gaping crack. I think I ate four crackers in a six month period because I was so worried sick. N/BPDx is a trial lawyer, and I was so worried that his knowledge of how things work would be the end of me.

There are good judges out there, and you have a lot going in your favor, even though it probably seems like your ex is going to be able to get with something. He isn't. He is going to make it hard for you every step of the way, but you are going to come out ok.

Logged

Breathe.
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #69 on: April 18, 2013, 08:39:09 PM »

Everything in my letter to ex is a fact.  I am a very poor liar.  The trouble is, it is he said/she said, and to a random outsider, I guess either of us could be lying.  Ld doesn't think I have much of a chance for a pfa in this state without actually being hurt.  Ex sent me anther long email this afternoon in which he states things like I scared her yesterday, I stood outside his door and yelled her name, and tried to push open the door when he wa closing it... .   basically all lies or at least twisted truth.  Ie I did call her name, one time, but it was in a nice sweet voice and she answered What Momm and was obviously excited that I was t, here. He claims he was on the phone and that person heard everything.  he was ok the phone, but there was nothing to hear from my end other then hey D2, and I am here to get her.  No other words came out of my mouth.  They had to have heard her scared and crying no!  Mommy!  but theywould probably lie and say what ex told them to. 

the letter said a whole lot more basically he stated the schedule that he wants to have cleaning what night is going to have her and not agreeing to have

exchanges at the police station but rather at a place that he chose. he keeps saying that the weekends that I have S7 are bad for him claiming that her growm siblings won't be able to see her and that seeing her parents equally is the best thing for her. no really it's the best thing for him because he just wants to get child support money out of me.

I can't even go on with this post because I am so upset.  thank you for your last post L&L it made me feel little better.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #70 on: April 19, 2013, 10:47:38 AM »

I and so many others here can understand your distress.  Thus far the police have been of minimal help and you have yet to know what the court will do, whether act with insight or piddle around longer.  That in-between world is distressing.  It won't be long and you'll have a better idea where you stand with the court.  The reason your lawyer isn't as distressed as you is two-fold: (1) your lawyer has seen how many other cases have eventually gotten resolved over time despite difficulties and (2) it's not lawyer's own family life being challenged.

So I wrote the following email reply... .     In addition, while you are temporarily working part time, you may pick her up from daycare Monday through Friday at 4 pm until I get her after work at 6:15 pm.

I think this is still worded incorrectly.  What's temporary, his part time work?  You shouldn't base his pickups on him temporarily working part time" - in that case he will make sure "temporarily" is forevermore.   You already know he has no interest in doing anything than the bare minimum to get by (and leech off people).  Rather, what's described as temporary (and ended with the move-out) are his frequent pickups on an almost daily basis which now cause almost-daily exchanges between two parents who no longer live together.  In future communications, phrase it maybe something like... .  

Excerpt
"Now that you have moved out, for you to pick up D2 frequently for a couple hours creates more problems than it solves.  Doing that then requires frequent exchanges and that is difficult and impractical to do over an extended period of time, especially with the difficulties already experienced at recent exchanges."

However, beware the trap of trying to reason with someone who stonewalls and refuses to reason or be reasonable.  You won't accomplish anything.  Think of it as informing him of your boundaries and rules.  Giving notice, not requesting or seeking agreement (after the first reasonable attempt).  You know he sees everything as his decision and anything you say is only a 'request' he can deny at whim.  Do state very briefly your position as though the court is looking over your shoulder and will eventually read it and leave it at that.  Don't argue back and forth, it won't accomplish anything.  Too much wordiness can also detract from the clarity of a simple messge.
Logged

catnap
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2390



« Reply #71 on: April 19, 2013, 11:54:36 AM »

You are doing all the right things.  I know it is the hardest thing you have had to endure so far, but you will prevail.  I wish we could all get together some time, but in our hearts we are there with you.   
Logged
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #72 on: April 20, 2013, 07:16:47 PM »

So the new update after the police incident on wed. Is I didn't get D2 until this morning when I was"allowed".  He only had her in daycarefor 2hrs on Thur and didn't bring her in yesterday.  He refused to let her come home with me wed and told the police to tell me I coils her her on sat.  He wrote me an email after I left wed. Saying how I'm nit allowed inor around his apt., starting some crime code.  Said I could get her sat.morning.  Refused to exchange at the police station, and said he would do it at Applebee s.  Then gave me a list of all the upcoming overnights that he wants, which is basically 50/50 and still with me having my kids on alternating weekends.  He has that power because he has no real job.  I lose because after the weekend, I have to bring her to daycare and go to work, and he can always pick her up there and then not give her back until he wants to.

I wrote a letter on fri. For my attorney to send stating I Do not at all believe in or want this type of schedule for D2, but that in light of recent violence and turmoil, I think it is in her best interest for me to agree to something temporarily, so that she doesn't have to go through something like that again.  I proposed a temporary schedule pending the cid custody conciliation on May 8 where I get her on the weekends that he has been pushingfor and that he can have her every tue and wed night.  I restated that I DO Not think this is best for her, but just temporary solution to try to restore some order for her.  I stated that she should be at daycare M-F from the 8 o'clock hour until 3:30 or 4 when he picks her up.  And also that exchanges shall be st the police station to ensure safety.

But then I chickened out and asked L not to send it yet.  While I do believe it would be better for D2 for now to avoid more drama, I am still worried that giving in now may jeopardize what is best for her long term.  L didn't think I have to worry, but I just don't know. 

I actually don't know if he sent it or not

What do you guys think?
Logged
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #73 on: April 20, 2013, 07:50:22 PM »

I guess I'm thinking if I don't send the letter I lose anyway because he can basically force the schedule he wants because I work full time.  His schedule is not as consistent.  He wants like two nights here then there then 3 here then there, etc.I guess if he would accept this temporary schedule it would still have some bouncing of D2, but is more consistent.  And it is  almost 50/50.

But then he is so disordered that he may not even agree to it.  And trust me would not attempt to bargain any further.
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #74 on: April 20, 2013, 07:56:21 PM »

Don't send an interim plan. Stick to your first proposal. He will increasingly be seen as difficult while you are seen as steady.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #75 on: April 20, 2013, 08:15:16 PM »

Yeah, I'm with Gagrl, and I'm a little concerned that you not let him "rent space in your head".  Don't think too much about his issues or how he is thinking.  Think more about what is best for your daughter, and what is practical in terms of your own schedule.

Work out the schedule that you think is best - given all the practical matters - and then work on explaining each piece of it, in terms of why it is best for your daughter.  "I'm proposing such-and-such because it will work out best for D2 because blah blah blah... .   ".

Keep steady with that logic - here's what I think is best for D2 because... .   - and make sure your lawyer is solidly on board and saying the same thing.

If the other side puts forth a schedule you don't think is best, think clearly about why you don't think it's best, and explain that in calm terms.  "Mr. Togo has proposed X.  I don't think that's best for D2, because... .   ".  Speak your truth clearly and consistently and things are likely to go OK.
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #76 on: April 20, 2013, 08:32:59 PM »

I agree with Gagrl and Matt too!

Temporary is not temporary, that seems to be the prevailing issue. And judges look at it like, You CONSENTED to this original plan, therefore it's better than anything a judge will come up with. And it will undermine your stance for years to come. This is why it's so important to have a goal and an objective and a strategy! Because you're going to be on this emotional rollercoaster until you figure out how to get off it.

And you'll probably discover, like many of us do, that even when you come up with a temporary plan that your ex agrees to, he will start challenging it or changing it. So you go through all this trouble to create something steady, and he changes it because his disorder dictates that he respond to how he's feeling in the moment. But the judge doesn't care about any of that. He just sees that you are two quarrelsome people who agreed to something and are now disagreeing, and he'll make you stick to the original temporary order because that's easier than trying to figure out who is the loony and who is the steady parent.



Logged

Breathe.
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #77 on: April 20, 2013, 08:39:37 PM »

I know what you are saying, but it leaves me with no control and him getting exactly his way until an order goes in, and that may be several months away.  It wouldn't be a temporary order, just a plan I temporarily agree to in order to make it smoother for D 2 for now.  But then they may want to make it a temporary order at the conciliation, and I would have to say no.  so maybe you are right, maybe I just keep stating what"my" schedule is, but just being unable to make him adhere to it until there is an order.  I just feel so bad for D2.
Logged
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #78 on: April 21, 2013, 06:37:16 AM »

The thing is, I feel like I always screw myself by the choices I make.  I hate my indecisiveness, but it is due to overthinking, and I don't know how to stop that either.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #79 on: April 21, 2013, 11:10:04 AM »

Some confusion here... .   I wasn't suggesting to wait for an order.  I think the sooner you can get temporary orders in place, the better.  My suggestion is to decide what situation you think will work best - not worry about how the other party is thinking, but focus on what will work for you and D2 - and put forward such a proposal to get temporary orders in place as soon as possible.  Your lawyer should know the process;  where I live, temporary orders can happen quickly, if you state that the current situation has risks and is a problem and you need a quick ruling.

If there is no hearing, and your motion is approved, great - perfect.  If the other side opposes it, and there is a hearing, work with your attorney to make your case very clearly and quickly - you won't have much time.  And make every argument in terms of the impact on the child, and without resorting to statements which may sound extreme (though they may be true!) about the other party.  If you make accusations, the court won't necessarily decide those, and it may distract from the key issue - what is best for D2 right now.

But if you stay calm and make your case clearly and with a constant focus on what will work best for D2, and practical considerations such as your working hours, it's likely to be approved even if the other side doesn't like it.
Logged

GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #80 on: April 21, 2013, 11:57:59 AM »

... .   temporarry orders can happen quickly, if you state that the current situation has risks and is a pro

blem and you need a quick ruling... .  

... .   But if you stay calm and make your case clearly and with a constant focus on what will work best for D2, and practical considerations such as your working hours, it's likely to be approved even if the other side doesn't like it... .  

These points are critical. It simply isn't acceptable that your custody order is so unsettled after the remainder of the divorce settlement is done. Your L needs to jump on this for you.

The more you concede to your ex without temp orders, the more you enable his ability to NOT work. It's a very unsettled schedule for D2. Bottom line... .   it's not working.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #81 on: April 21, 2013, 12:44:23 PM »

Your L needs to jump on this for you.

Let's talk about this aspect for just a second - your attorney.

If she is doing her job right, saying "my attorney" should make you feel a little better.  She should be a problem-solver.  Talking with her should make you feel like you're in good hands, and you have a strong, competent ally on your side.

If that isn't true, you have the wrong attorney, either because she is not competent, or because she isn't giving you the quality of attention and service you deserve.

Or... .   maybe you just need to speak up and ask for what you need.  Not all attorneys understand that this process is very upsetting, and part of their job is to make sure you know how the process works and that you are getting the help you need.  Some have no "bedside manner".  If you have a frank talk with her, and let her know pretty much what you've told us here - not just about the schedule, but also about how this process is affecting you emotionally - she may step up and give you the care you deserve - the solutions and also the communication so you will feel more confident about how this is likely to work out.
Logged

ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #82 on: April 21, 2013, 02:59:49 PM »

I cannot imagine your soonest opportunity for a parenting schedule is "months away".  Something doesn't feel right.  Yes, until the court makes an order it's a sort of free-for-all, possession-wise.  I understand that.  But "months away"?  Why so long a wait?  I know when I filed for divorce, it took about 7 weeks for a hearing because the court's schedule was that full.  What about yours?

Just as you can't go to his door and force you to turn over your daughter, he can't do that either.  (Well, maybe he can but you don't have to hand her over - just like he refused.)  I am not a lawyer, of course.

I recall when I did have orders and ex refused to pick up our child on time - she wanted to create a record of incidents - she then came later to my home with the police.  They told her that even though it was her time, she didn't get him on time and then turned to me to give in in order to .  Yes, they pressured me to be reasonable.  Their #1 goal was to resolve the immediate incident and reduce the risk of the incident getting worse.  I was in the right (orders state if a parent fails to pick up the child, the parent waits until the next exchange time) but they still wanted the impasse ended.  That pressure was real.  I believe you're feeling pressure too, so work out with your lawyer what to do in various scenarios.  That happened a few times and at least once I said no and our child stayed with me that night.  They walked away and told her sorry.  So she just got our child the next day from daycare or school.

I'm just pondering... .   can you take a vacation (or stay-cation) now?  An extended leave, a work sabbatical until you get a parenting plan?  I don't want you to lose your job but what choices do you have?  Then you just keep her with you 100% of the time until the court orders a parenting schedule.  Until there is an order to the contrary I suspect that the law in your state is that he can pick her up from just about anytime and anywhere if the other parent isn't there.

He's out of the house, now, that's good.  But my impression was that courts are usually quick to make a parenting schedule.  How did him moving out happen and not a parenting time schedule?  Because it's wasn't the issue at that time?

Maybe L can go to court with a new petition stating that there have been incidents and the police have been involved and that the parents urgently need a parenting schedule sooner?

Disclaimer - I may be mixing your thread and circumstances with others, if so, please pardon any errors and use only what applies in your case.
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #83 on: April 21, 2013, 06:35:26 PM »

Like FD said, it is unusual that you have to wait months to get a temporary order in place. In many places, those kinds of orders are fast-tracked, and that's even for cases that aren't high-conflict. Did your L tell you it would take months? Something seems off.

Courts tend to care about the kids more than anything else. That's been my experience -- and you can file emergency hearings. Perhaps it is an Order to Show Cause (in which you demonstrate why you need a judge to decide on the issues at hand quickly), but it will be something to flag to the court that the situation is not good for the minor child.

Logged

Breathe.
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #84 on: April 21, 2013, 09:37:43 PM »

L always says that there is no emergency, so nothing can be be done more quickly.  There was no custody decided with the divorce, because it was purely a divorce case.  However, I told L we need something in place as quickly as possible because I already knew where we both stood.  I filed for custody soon after the divorce.  The conciliation was scheduled for May 8th.  they only consider it an emergency if the child is in physical danger.  I don't know, but I have doubts that the pole even really tried to convince him it was best for her to go home with me on wed.  at the conciliation if we don't agree on a temporary no order will still be put in place. we won't agree unless one of us gives in and you're all telling me not to do that.Then they will order hearing which will probably be another month or two away. Then because we will need e valuations done that will add even more time. This is all according to my attorney.  Guess ibetter consult with another to make sure but I remember always feeling like this with my first custody case. That nobody really cares about the kids. not unless somebody was physically abusing them. Nobody cares about their emotional or mental well-being. is this just my state? Ooo
Logged
nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #85 on: April 21, 2013, 09:46:03 PM »

basically what I'm trying to say is temporary orders cannot happen quickly in my state unless there is evidence of physical abuse. nobody cares about the emotional or mental well-being of the children. As long as they're not in physical danger no one cares. this is always felt so wrong to me and I don't know if it's only my state but this is how it is. for example they don't care of parents are alcoholics or anything like that as long as they're not physically abusing the children. I have about 20 days of vacation, but that would only buy me about one month out of what maybe many. I am truly overwhelmed right now.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #86 on: April 21, 2013, 09:56:21 PM »

nwtg,

Would you be ok sharing with people which state you're in? Or pm'ing one of the senior people here? It might help us figure out how we could better support you. It's up to you. Moderators are always cautioning to be mindful of anonymity.

Not sure -- every state is so different, and certainly there are people here who have entered twilight zones because of where they are, or the judges, lawyers, etc. that they've been assigned.
Logged

Breathe.
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #87 on: April 21, 2013, 10:04:14 PM »

My first lawyer gave me a million reasons why nothing could be done.  Turns out he was full of baloney;  my second attorney told me that all the suggestions from my friends here were good ideas and could be pursued, and they turned out to be very helpful.

When an attorney takes your money and tells you that nothing can be done, it's probably time to talk to some other attorneys, and find out what options you have.
Logged

ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #88 on: April 21, 2013, 10:06:33 PM »

Well, you'll be getting shorter work hours soon, he won't have an excuse to pick up D every afternoon.  But he still will be able to her up any time he wants in your absence.

If nothing else can be done then I'd tell your lawyer to make sure the case is not delayed.  Can the court date be scheduled now so that if/when the conciliation fails the court date is already scheduled?  I suspect he'll seek continuances to delay the case, keep the chaos and pressure on longer, and prolong your anxiety.  Your lawyer may not be able to avoid that but the point is to keep the case moving as fast as possible.

And I suggest you quietly record all exchanges/interactions for your own protection, physical and legal.

Following on Matt's comments, can you get another legal consultation with a different lawyer to find out whether a getting a parenting schedule ordered sooner is or isn't possible?
Logged

nowheretogo
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 11/2009, filed for divorce 11/2011; divorced 3/2013; primary custodian
Posts: 665



« Reply #89 on: April 21, 2013, 10:15:22 PM »

I would be willing to share my state, but not if unadvised.  I wouldn't know who would be best to pm with that info.  L has said we must go through conciliation to have a hearing scheduled, and continues to state that it will be several months before there is an order.  I will seek some new opinions this week.  This just seems so wrong, impossible, and unbearable.  I hope I come across someone who thinks something can be done.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!