Feeling like I was born "to serve" my uBPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was lucky enough to have a nanny and my older sister to help raise me when I was a child. My mother didn't want to deal with me and my younger brother, so if we had to clean our rooms and we made a fuss she would just demand my older sister do it.

As I got older and my sister moved away, I took the role of serving her. I tried my best to keep her happy as a teenager when I did see her (she left me and my younger brother at my father's house when I was 11). I would even steal food from my fathers house to bring to her, clean all the dishes in her house, tidy around her. I tried to keep her happy, but I couldn't (of course). In my early twenties I would never hear from her unless she was demanding money, or demanding that we find my stepfather who kept "running away". 

In therapy today I was discussing how often my mother made us feel guilty that we were born. She said she never wanted children. She made us feel that the penalty for being born was to take care of her needs.  

I've since moved far away from her, and I'm in my late twenties. I have little to no contact with her, but I feel guilty every day that I'm not 'serving' her. It feels wrong to have a life independently from her. I feel like a terrible person for not 'saving' her from herself.

I wish I knew a way to find my own purpose in life, and get rid of that continual feeling that my "purpose" is to take care of her.

[skelly_bean]

I was lucky enough to have a nanny and my older sister to help raise me when I was a child. My mother didn't want to deal with me and my younger brother, so if we had to clean our rooms and we made a fuss she would just demand my older sister do it.

As I got older and my sister moved away, I took the role of serving her. I tried my best to keep her happy as a teenager when I did see her (she left me and my younger brother at my father's house when I was 11). I would even steal food from my fathers house to bring to her, clean all the dishes in her house, tidy around her. I tried to keep her happy, but I couldn't (of course). In my early twenties I would never hear from her unless she was demanding money, or demanding that we find my stepfather who kept "running away". 

In therapy today I was discussing how often my mother made us feel guilty that we were born. She said she never wanted children. She made us feel that the penalty for being born was to take care of her needs.  

I've since moved far away from her, and I'm in my late twenties. I have little to no contact with her, but I feel guilty every day that I'm not 'serving' her. It feels wrong to have a life independently from her. I feel like a terrible person for not 'saving' her from herself.

I wish I knew a way to find my own purpose in life, and get rid of that continual feeling that my "purpose" is to take care of her.

[GeekyGirl]

I can see why you'd still feel like you need to serve your mother--you were put in that position at a very vulnerable time in your life, and I'm sorry that you've had to hear from your mother that should feel guilty for being alive. That's not something that anyone should have to hear, especially from a parent. 

It's so hard to change gears and break away from the habits we formed as children, so I know where you're coming from when you say that you feel guilty for not taking care of your mother. I can imagine that it was very painful for you as a teenager to try to help your mother feel better. You didn't do anything wrong.

As hard as it is to find your purpose in life, I believe we're all here on this Earth for a reason. You have an instinct to take care of others (i.e. your mother). Is there something you can do for yourself (volunteer work, a career) that would allow you to use that instinct?

[OnlyChild]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase, "If I would have known I would have had to raise you my myself I would have never had you!"  I would be rich! 

I too spent my entire life placating and catering to her needs, demands, etc to make her feel good.   But there was always something wrong, some crisis, some "ordeal" that she would successfully get through (only after I did a bunch of behind the scenes stuff).  She would read just enough self-help books to be able to talk the lingo... .   to make me think she was doing her part.   

I've since moved far away from her, and I'm in my late twenties. I have little to no contact with her, but I feel guilty every day that I'm not 'serving' her. It feels wrong to have a life independently from her. I feel like a terrible person for not 'saving' her from herself.

I wish I knew a way to find my own purpose in life, and get rid of that continual feeling that my "purpose" is to take care of her.

I'm not sure if that feeling ever goes away.  I think that 's why we all struggle so much with the NC... .   I'm sure there is a division of part care, part training to be the care taker, and part some element of missing a healthy relationship with our parent.    A friend of mine has a 15yo daughter.  She challenged me to think about how I would treat her daughter as compared to how I was treated by my mom.   There is NO WAY I would do to my friend's daughter what was done to me.    It upsets me greatly to see kids having to care for their parent... .   even if it's under a normal circumstance.   

[OnlyChild]

P.S.   I also agree about the feeling of your only purpose being is to serve them.   Please spend time in recognizing what you do for others... .   how you serve others in your career... .   this year, buy some gifts for kids from the take-a-name off the tree in the mall.    That helped me feel purposeful.    Maybe make soup for a sick neighbor, or start a fund-drive for a co-worker in trouble.    I did all those things and yes, I felt guilty I wasn't doing all that for my mom, but also good that I was doing it for others.   I felt that by karma, what I did for others would come back to me in a positive way; either by helping my mom when I could not or somehow help in some other way. (... .   and that's what happened... .   it helped in some other way.   It helped me define myself as "the person who makes soup when people are sick"

I think it is really important that you do something to redefine your purpose before your mother passes.   My mom died almost a year ago.   I had always thought the reason for my existence was to serve her.   This caused lots of problems in my marriage, and in my own self actualization.   I started really basic, defining myself as "the girl who likes blue,"  "the girl who likes to garden," then on to "I am the best person to do my job" (I have a super-wonderful work environment), etc.    When my mom passed I had a little bit of an identity crisis of thinking now what?  But at the same time relief of not having to be the care taker anymore.   I let things go, I let myself free.    Really, who cares what our purpose is here?   Can't we just relax?   Don't we deserve that after all we've been through?

[AbbyNormal]

It's no wonder each of us have this type of issue. It's been so deeply engrained in us that I wonder if it ever truly resolves. My uBPD mother has told me numerous times she only had me (an only child) and made the "investment" of being a parent to me because she thought I would be there to take care of her the rest of her life. I underscore the term investment to note that it's all transactional to her. It's a good deal if you can get it. I mean, "invest" in parenting someone (I use the term parenting loosely) for 18 years and then have an indentured servant for the rest of your life. The problem is, I never signed up for this. Honestly, I feel like did enough to care for her while I was growing up.

It leaves me in place now where, intellectually, I know that relationships with her are transactional. I know that whatever I do, it will never be enough to satisfy her. I set boundaries and I know that she'll get mad over whatever it is that I'm not giving her. I live a good distance from my mom; about 700 miles away. She constantly rages that we don't have the sort of relationship she wants because I don't live closer. She frequently puts ultimatums on our relationship---"if you don't do hit_ for me, then there's no point in us talking because you aren't "there" for me."

Recently, it was her birthday. Well, I told her I wasn't going to travel to see her. I have 3 kids, one of them was 2 months old at the time and my husband was working out of the country. It was too much to pack everyone up and travel that far. I offered to pay for her to travel to my home to celebrate. (She has made no effort to see me in for 10 years now. I always have to travel to see her.) Well, after the rage episodes about my not traveling there, she decided I needed to buy her a new, high-end computer. If I couldn't deliver this computer, then I better not do anything for her birthday.

We're constantly backed into no win situations. Not buying her a computer makes me jerk. Not sending a gift also makes me a jerk. She loves to tell people about how I abandoned her. She claims "people" can't believe what a horrible daughter I am. I used to really take that sort of criticism to heart. Now I know what I'm able to give in my relationship with her. If that's enough good, if it isn't that's fine too. I picture in my mind that I have a huge bundle of love to give to her. I'm standing there, the love is there, all she has to do is accept it. If she chooses to accept it that's wonderful. If she leaves me standing there with it, then that is her choice.

About your purpose. What do you like to do in your spare time? What do you enjoy? What do you daydream about? I think you should invest some time in those things. Also, there are people on here right now who are struggling with leaving a younger sibling at home with a BPD parent. They want to leave and have independence, but they don't want to leave their sibling behind. You have a unique prospective on that from your experiences. Why not try to lend some support to those folks? I promise you, you have things that are special about you. You were put here to do other things besides serve your mom. Hugs to you and just know that we're all here for you.

[chriskell]

In my opinion, we feel like we are here to serve them because they have always treated us like we are here to serve them. I was also treated like I was an extension of my uBPDm. It was very enlightening when I realized in adulthood that she was getting mad at me because I wasn't behaving the way she would in situations. She then would beg me to get help because I wasn't acting like "myself" due to so and so boyfriend, friend, teacher, etc. It was very confusing. It has been very healing to realize all the ways I am different than her. Not just because I'm not BPD but because I have a different personality, different likes and dislikes, different taste in men and movies, etc. I agree with the positive advice on this thread to define yourself, try out some new things, do some community service, etc. I wish you well!

[skelly_bean]

Wow thank you all for the amazing advice and support. I am actually doing some of those things at the moment, getting involved in the community garden in my area, and I'll be volunteering at an organic farm over the summer.

When my mom passed I had a little bit of an identity crisis of thinking now what?  But at the same time relief of not having to be the care taker anymore.   I let things go, I let myself free.    Really, who cares what our purpose is here?   Can't we just relax?   Don't we deserve that after all we've been through?

I'm sorry to hear about your mother passing. And I agree, we probably do deserve to relax a little about the bigger "purpose"... . I guess maybe because we were forced into having such a compelling "purpose" like taking care of our parents, it feels so strange to not have some purpose that defines who we are.

She loves to tell people about how I abandoned her. She claims "people" can't believe what a horrible daughter I am. I used to really take that sort of criticism to heart. Now I know what I'm able to give in my relationship with her.



I can empathize with this for sure. After not responding to her emails for a while out of frustration, she posted on my facebook wall that I was a crazy person with no heart who couldn't even love her own mother. That is amazing that you are able to take that criticism with a grain of salt. I think with therapy I am getting there too. I am working on focusing on my own passions, but I find it's so hard to stay focused. Lately gardening really has my attention in a big way. Hugs back!

[skelly_bean]

Also, I will definitely see if I can lend some perspective to members who are leaving their siblings with borderline parents. I never resented my sister once for leaving, but I think back about everything that happened and I know that if she had been in contact with me more often she would have been a much needed grounding force in my life.

[Mandaryn]

In my opinion, we feel like we are here to serve them because they have always treated us like we are here to serve them. I was also treated like I was an extension of my uBPDm. It was very enlightening when I realized in adulthood that she was getting mad at me because I wasn't behaving the way she would in situations. She then would beg me to get help because I wasn't acting like "myself" due to so and so boyfriend, friend, teacher, etc. It was very confusing. It has been very healing to realize all the ways I am different than her. Not just because I'm not BPD but because I have a different personality, different likes and dislikes, different taste in men and movies, etc. I agree with the positive advice on this thread to define yourself, try out some new things, do some community service, etc. I wish you well!

Chriskell, I understand completely what you are saying.  It has taken me this long to figure out that my mother blames outside sources anytime her kids do anything outside of what she deems correct or normal.  When my brother suddenly started cheating on his fiance, it was only because he was taking some sort of workout enhancement supplements.  When my sister, as a teenager, starting acting rebellious, it was because of the friend she was hanging around (she wasn't acting any differently other than to stand her own ground when my mom asked overly accusing and intrusvie questions).  As for me, I changed when I left for college and started dating my now husband.  She has blamed him for so many things.  As for the servitude, several years ago she made the comment to me that in her older age I was to be her spiritual/emotional support (supposedly I was the only one who would listen to her) my brother would be her financial support (he's been given money to her and my adopted dad since he entered the work force ten years ago) and my kid sister would stay with them to help them physically (though she changed that tune when she was mad and said to put her in a home instead).  I thought it was odd the way she planned it out like that, but then I thought we should 'honor thy mother and father'  meant bending over backwards to make them happy.

[XL]

This is interesting. I've been trying to wrap my head around this concept for a few days.

I was born to scold my mother. The sibling is the fixer/server, the father takes a grudging enabler role, and I'm the family corrections office who sets limits. I'm like the mean nanny who throws her in a timeout. I also step in and deal with massive self-care failures, regardless of the screaming. 

[chriskell]

It is interesting to read about the different roles we were cast in by our BPD family members. In my family, I think it had a lot to do with birth order and gender. My older brother (first born son) was definitely a golden child. I was second born and the only girl, so I was golden also (until I wasn't anymore of course). My youngest brother was definitely treated like the bad boy, and he was the only one who seemed to understand from a young age that something was wrong with our mother. I'm not sure why he was able to understand that something was wrong with her rather than believing something was wrong with him, but I'm thankful for that. My mother also had periods of time when she hardly paid any attention to any of us and was caught up in relationships with men. My brothers and I call those the "peanut butter sandwich years."

Mandaryn, it does sound like we have a lot of similarities in our families of origin. The whole husband thing is a topic for another day . . . .

[Seraffa]

Thank you for bringing this up. The new methods of communication with my mother are starting to have effect, but I am always wary of her pattern of plopping herself down in a chair and beginning a long-winded, charming, slowly turning into pathetic, martyric story - or these days - just a long winded story that should only last 5 minutes. The ultimate goal was always for her to irrevocably win me to her side since dad was an alcoholic, and, although I hated my dad being away from home so much doing activities I couldn't even relate to, growing up, I now see why he did it, and part of why he eventually left her.

Excusing myself from the room is a constant habit after a reasonable length of time getting the gist of the story, then using SET to draw a boundary. She will try to compensate later by being spontaneously helpful, and it is appreciated on my part, but not enough for me to have depth of interest in her as an individual, since she has refused to return to family counseling with me to talk about problems between us.

There are a couple of social/support groups I would love to start, but honestly I wouldn't have the life-energy left to do so unless I move away from her. She has mild dementia and depression, and I have a plan for sustainable self-employment I am trying to execute in order to come into my own, and live anywhere in the world - the way I always wanted to do - as a young adult . I don't have a clear direction for my nurturing skills right now except towards my chronically ill boyfriend, so there are no easy answers at hand, but I do like one charity in particular, and am always trying to think oustide-the-box as to what would be a comfort to me in terms of nurturing others.

[OnlyChild]

Question:  After you have put most of your life on hold for various things for your BPD, has he/she told others you haven't been around?

My uBPD mom would frequently complain to her friends about how she hadn't seen me in months.   I visited her every 6 weeks (we did not live in the same town), and usually my visits involved bringing lots of food for her to re-heat or ready-serve, cleaning out cabinets/closets, massive shopping trips, or heavy-duty spring cleaning.   On occasion we would simply visit over a cup of coffee and a card game, but that was rare.   So, it was a little obvious that someone was there to help her with all that stuff.   Did she not think her friends couldn't see through that?

So the residual to this, is that in a relationship I work my brains out to provide the creature comforts for my husband (food ready made, laundry done, etc).   This is all great, but then I resent him for not pitching in---just as I likely resented my UBPD mom for not taking care of herself.   

Isn't it amazing what this does to us?

[Clearmind]

I've since moved far away from her, and I'm in my late twenties. I have little to no contact with her, but I feel guilty every day that I'm not 'serving' her. It feels wrong to have a life independently from her. I feel like a terrible person for not 'saving' her from herself.

Skelly we continue to live by our childhood script. “Being useful to be of value” is a common script.

Recognizing this script is half the battle – and you have recognized it.

How are you working with your therapist to find you? Skelly, I can assure you, the you is in there – its unfortunate, because of our upbringing that our inner critic likes to take over and hit us over the head for having any nice thoughts about ourselves. We find it very uncomfortable showing ourselves the same kindness and compassion we show others - we feel less than worthy!

It helps to give our inner critic a name - then tell it to get lost.

Great free video series on this exact topic - started Monday, March 4, 2013: The Self-Acceptance Project - Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness – however you can download the last 11 odd videos to your smart phone.

Let me know that you think of the series.

[skelly_bean]

Thanks Clearmind for the videos! I watched the first one and I'm excited to watch the rest. As for with my therapist, I think we are working most on me becoming OK with attention for who I am. I have a really ingrained habit of putting on a neutral persona, because I fear people's reaction to my personal opinions and my true interests. I always feel frightened if I disagree with other people who I value as friends. My mother (and my father) never allowed for differing opinions and I think I got a lot of back-lash when I was being opinionated.

I tend to "split" myself even. If I say something I think offends someone else, or makes me different from them in a way they are unsure about, I feel terrible. I can't stop replaying the scenario in my head. Even if I use a tone I think they might take the wrong way, I think about how I could have said it to make it more charming or interesting or how I can realign myself with their preferences.

I know it makes me sound wishy washy, but it's true... .

Anyways, in therapy I am testing the waters with disagreeing openly, or showing my more vulnerable - less charming side. Basically just seeing what it feels like to be an openly flawed person around another person.

Thank you again for the suggestions, I really appreciate it!   

[Clearmind]

Yes I hear you. We will do a number of protect ourselves. I would just avoid - that was my favourite tactic.

Sounds like you are coming along in strides. I followed a similar path with my therapist. Its good to question the status quo - because that status quo was very rigid when we were kids. Its about finding a new equilibrium and being comfortable with our decisions and opinions.

Good for you