Hilarious - my ex may get hired as a life coach

[fakename]

When she told me she interviewed to be a life/health coach I couldn't help but just shake my head and think wow the world needs just that. A hypocrite coach.

Is it common for BPD's to think they would make good coaches?

[elessar]

denial about their illness right? my ex asked me recently if i am seeing my shrink. coz i am the crazy one (its another fact that her treatment of me has made me get therapy). and of course they do not need therapy coz they are perfect. thats why a life coach... .  

cruel irony... .  

[seeking balance]

Is it common for BPD's to think they would make good coaches?

It is not common, but it isn't as unusual as you may think.

pwBPD that are high functioning have an ability to really connect, as such - their patients immediately feel "heard".  If they are trained properly - there is no reason to think their information may not help a patient.

Now, when a patient wants to disengage, there could be some serious consequences - but many pwBPD go into helping professions actually - P, T, Nursing, teaching.

My ex was a phd sociologist specializing in adolescent mental health - yep, really.

[fakename]

@Seeking balance. Your Ex's occupation is, hilarious!  I laughed out loud. So ironic.

In the case of my ex I think she likes the coaching idea because she does like to help others and I think she really needs people to think she's this great person and has it all figured out.

I also think its the control element in that they are just telling people what they should and shouldn't do.

But I wonder, how do BPD's like this react to others who give them guidance and advice?

Do they listen at first to draw the non in? Or would they only maintain a friendship relationship with the non at most and not be interested in a romantic relationship because they would be ceding too much control?

I'm trying to remember how exactly the control makeup was arranged in our relationship... .   I know it was mostly her making the decisions but she did listen to me when I consoled her or ave her guidance ( at least I think... . for some reason I think I'm just beig hopeful. Not sure if my memory remembers correctly. Maybe she just did whatever she wanted regardless of what I said - that sounds more accurate

[Hurt llama]

Figures... . I have met many life coaches... . Who seem by and large to be coaching because they are not good players.

No surprise here.

[seeking balance]

But I wonder, how do BPD's like this react to others who give them guidance and advice?

Do they listen at first to draw the non in? Or would they only maintain a friendship relationship with the non at most and not be interested in a romantic relationship because they would be ceding too much control?

Ok, I am going to ask you to think about this not so linear, because the answer is "it depends".  BPD is an attachment disorder, so depending upon if pwBPD is triggered or who the advice giver is can really determine the ability to hear and implement.

DBT teaches the ability to sit in, identify and react properly to triggering emotions.

[elessar]

@seeking balance completely hit the point

my ex is a dentist and she is very good at it. her patients love her. she always jokes how she "puts on a show" and "wears a mask" the moment she steps through those doors. i guess it is a trait of high functioning BPD.

[fakename]

Interesting discussion. Thanks for adding guys.

Elessar, the 'wears a mask' comment is all too true

[elessar]

fake name,

you know what saddens me and depresses me the most. everything that comes out of her mouth screams BPD behavior. she verbalizes her own feelings, thoughts, behaviors. she knows everything she says and does. she knows something is not "right". she is like straight out of DSM-IV and the books I have read and the forums I have been on. But when I have put everything together and just showed her "your own words point to BPD", thats when ~ hits the roof. and that makes me sad because I feel she is so close to admitting and accepting help. let her speak without making her defensive and it is like she is describing a BPD person. point it out to her... .  

maybe, someday. and high functioning people are so hard to convince because to everyone else they are normal, because to everyone else they are wearing a mask.

[fakename]

Elessar,

What you wrote reminds me how fascinating the disorder is. I bet it's the same as if you looked at a cancer cell under a microscope you'd be amazed by its beauty.

I'm always amazed to learn how fragile the brain is and I wish I could just learn all about why people do what they do and act the way they act.

I guess it's hard to take responsibility for BPD cause at the same time they're accepting responsibility for all the mistakes as failed relationships in their life?

If it were me, i guess It's always scary to come to terms that I don't have control of anything. I don't know. Can't really put myself in their shoes. I don't know why they need to have such a firm grip of control. But then again I like control too, it gives me peace in that I have some say over my future, but what the heck, do they don't know what the heck they're doing. I don't know. This is not my area of expertise

[GreenMango]

I guess it's hard to take responsibility for BPD cause at the same time they're accepting responsibility for all the mistakes as failed relationships in their life?

If it were me, i guess It's always scary to come to terms that I don't have control of anything. I don't know. Can't really put myself in their shoes. I don't know why they need to have such a firm grip of control. But then again I like control too, it gives me peace in that I have some say over my future, but what the heck, do they don't know what the heck they're doing. I don't know. This is not my area of expertise

Imagine being told you have a very stigmatized and treatment resistant disorder.  Pretty good way to rock someone's world - especially if they have an ingrained fear of rejection.

[elessar]

fake name,

you made me laugh. as a graduate student, i look at cancer cells under the microscope every single day. yup, it is beautiful.

I am no longer angry at her for all she has done because she exemplifies the typically behavior of an abused person in denial. She has been somewhat talking for a month and I am extremely patient with her. Sure, she might get married any day now. But I am at peace because I have educated myself enough about BPD to no longer ask "why". I have definitely not detached and I am extremely hurt and depressed, but at least I am no longer surprised or confused by anything she does or has done.

Control is the right word you have used. That is one word I told her so many times, why do you have to control everything and everyone. Answer was simple - she (or maybe BPDs in general), never had control over their own life. Being abused, someone always had control over them and made decisions for them (like her parents still do now at age 28). Even if they are not abused like my ex, I would assume they need to control everything around them, to control their own fluctuating emotions and mind. I guess control gives them some control over their own lives which has always been missing for them.

It is impossible to live in their shoes. Do not envy them. But over the last few months I have communicated with enough people who had BPD on internet forums and they have the same thing to tell me - everyone is responsible for their actions and getting help. Having BPD does not excuse actions. Same way some abused people get help, most don't. It requires courage. I feel mean/evil saying this, but not everyone is courageous. There are BPDs who are getting help, there are those who are too stubborn or scared to admit flaws. It is human nature, what can we do... .  

[nolisan]

My exBPD recently finished  a degree in mediation and thinks it her life's purpose.

Man ... .   she couldn't / wouldn't talk relationship problems out F2F. She would storm out and send me a one sided email - generally that she had to call a

"time out". Same controlling behavior she used with her dog ("get in the kennel".

She will look like a savior initially to any mediation clients but if it is a long process, watch out, she vannot maintain any consistency.

[nolisan]

oh - I forgot she was also a life skills coach at one point

[HarmKrakow]

My ex was a phd sociologist specializing in adolescent mental health - yep, really.

My goodness ... .

I mean, my goodness. Respect. Seriously. Because that would be the last one would expect. I haven't read your story (which I will) but it also gives me the feeling that some BPD (or NPD) have some really big time denial in themselves, or strong narccisistic (super sense) of feelings.

[wanttoknowmore]

Talk of high functioning... .   mine was a master in charitable work and untiring in doing community service... . feeding the poor and homeless, organizing free medical camps for poor in other countries... . she got honors and awards for her devoted sevices to less fortunate... .   very popular in charity circles as a selfless volunteer.  BUT, I am willing to bait everything I have that she is a high functioning pwBPD who remains in absolute denial about her disorder.

[HarmKrakow]

Talk of high functioning... .   mine was a master in charitable work and untiring in doing community service... . feeding the poor and homeless, organizing free medical camps for poor in other countries... . she got honors and awards for her devoted sevices to less fortunate... .   very popular in charity circles as a selfless volunteer.  BUT, I am willing to bait everything I have that she is a high functioning pwBPD who remains in absolute denial about her disorder.

Thank you for your post. It helps me to understand the question I sometimes have;

Why don't others understand.