How to support a child with uBPD mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that some of us "step-mom" types hang out in the Parenting After the Split Board and are constantly asking each other for advice with the children who have an uBPD parent. I would love love love to get advice from the adult survivors on how to support these children.

What can I and my SO do to help my SO's D8? Especially for the time that she is with her uBPDmom and her mom is raging or enmeshing or alienating SO?

[Thunderstruck]

I know that some of us "step-mom" types hang out in the Parenting After the Split Board and are constantly asking each other for advice with the children who have an uBPD parent. I would love love love to get advice from the adult survivors on how to support these children.

What can I and my SO do to help my SO's D8? Especially for the time that she is with her uBPDmom and her mom is raging or enmeshing or alienating SO?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Thunderstruck,

What a great question!

What would help your SO's D8 is to focus on her needs and emotional well-being. Teach her and show her that it's ok to show emotion or have feelings without fear of judgement. Show her compassion, show interest in what she's doing or what interests her. Make her needs a priority. Be available to her when she needs love or validation.

It's wonderful that you're looking to help your SO's daughter.   

[DaughterofDD]

 

Let her know that her mother's behavior is not normal adult behavior and show her, by example, what that is.  Let her know that you know how difficult it is to "deal" with someone like this from your perspective and let her know that she can always come to you and her dad for support, safety, advise, or whatever she needs.  As she grows into preteen and teenager, it will get worse for her, so be prepared for that.  Don't put down her mother, she will figure those things out on her own.

Let her know that her mother may say things about you/her father that may not be true and give her the openness to be able to ask about things that she is unsure of.  Don't press her, though, let her lead the way.

Good luck!   

[Thunderstruck]

Awesome points so far. It's so difficult to undo in one weekend the damage that has been done over two weeks (uBPDbm is only allowing EOW for right now and there is no CO in place yet).

Oh, and I forgot to add... .   If you had a stepmom figure around, did it seem to help?

[OnlyChild]

I agree completely with DaughterofDD! 

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my step-mom became a part of my life about a year later.  There was a period of separation of about 6 years because of the brainwashing by my uBPD mom.  However, I can list the things that my stepmom did (and still does; even now that I'm in my 40s!) that has been very important:

1.  Due to my unhealthy loyalty to my uBPD mom, I really didn't think too much of my step-mom initially.   She did not force herself on me.  I remember she said to me, "I don't expect you to call me mom, but I do hope we can be friends."   Her expectations of me were very modest and attainable.  Probably a pretty appropriate thing for a new step-mom to say even if there wasn't a mental health issue at hand.

2.  She showed me by example the man my dad was. (Where my mom would always put him down; and accuse me of being "just like him!" as if it was pathological).    My dad had opinions, he was very smart, and talented.   My step-mom brought those traits out in him and I appreciated it that she allowed him the freedom to be himself.  She would ask him what he thought, what he wanted to do, etc.   A refreshing change as compared to my mom who liked to tell us what we wanted to do, what we should like, should do, etc.  This probably had the most impact on me.   I could see that he was better off, therefore had hope that maybe someday I too could be better off. 

3.  As time went on, she would point out the habits and characteristics that my dad and I had in common.   I never grow tired of this.   I have a big fear of turning into my uBPD mom, and it is very reinforcing that I am like my dad----healthy and balanced.   Even the small stuff like, "You both like caramel stuff!" makes me feel good--even now.   At the same time she is doing that, she is demonstrating that she has taken the time to get to know my dad, rather than being all wrapped up in her own drama. 

4.  She has consistently shown interest in my life, what I'm doing, etc.   She has communicated her joy when I've accomplished things and sadness when I've had problems.   All very appropriate reactions to my situations.   What a parent should do.

5.  She never put my mom down.   However, she would express concern that "maybe there is a problem" when I would complain.   So she validated my concerns in a gentle way. 

You have made a huge commitment.   Your situation will not be easy.  I admit I put my step-mom through the paces and she remained steady.   I am grateful for you; that you are on this blog.   my step-mom did not have these resources available to her and I'm sure she would have loved this!    I hope someday your step-child will write the same things about you!

[AbbyNormal]

What a wonderful thing that you're reaching out and trying to do everything you can for your stepdaughter! The advice you've received so far has been excellent. I would add to tell your stepdaughter that she doesn't have to do anything to "earn" your love. Kids of BPD parents often have a lot of conditions put on their relationship. Just be there and let her just be. Make her feel accepted for being who she is without condition. I've read that having just one healthy adult around situations like this can make all the difference in the mental health of a child like this. So, hang in there. Reach out for advice just like your doing and don't give up.

[skelly_bean]

This is a big challenge and you have the opportunity to make such a positive difference in her life. The fact that you are on here getting advice shows a lot of thoughtful commitment. I never had a stepmother (my dad never dated after marrying my mother - I wonder why). But, it seems to me that what I was lacking was unconditional love. A huge part of being a child of a borderline parent is feeling that receiving love is conditional on jumping through hoops.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone would love me just the way I am, warts and all. I'm going through therapy to address this now, but if I had had one parent who made me feel accepted and loved just the way I was, who asked me my opinion on things and really listened, that would have given me way more self confidence.

Identity for a borderline child becomes enmeshed with their borderline parent. They are taught not to act differently, not to be themselves on pain of emotional torture. It may be really scary and confusing to befriend a stepmother without feeling that she is betraying her mother (and in a way, since they are so connected, betraying herself.)

I sincerely hope that you two are able to open your hearts up to each other and become close and have a loving relationship. It will change her life, I guarantee

[Thunderstruck]

These are awesome points, I am greatly appreciating the feedback.

It's so sad, to see how much D8 thirsts for a "normal" family structure and a mother figure like me. I just want to give her all the happiness and stability I possibly can. Plus give her the tools to be able to handle the difficult times when SO and I cannot be there. I want to enclose her in a happy bubble and not let negativity in at all. 

[sanemom]

I just wanted to thank all of you for helping us stepparents.  It is so hard sometimes to watch these kids face broken promise after broken promise, lie after lie about our SOs, etc. etc.  I sometimes wonder what it is like for my three skids (all teens now) to have these two lives--one where they see DH and I love each other, treat each other well, stability in home and jobs, etc. vs. that of their mom--who can't live without a man, moves frequently, can't keep a job, has a new wild idea how she is going to make tons of money every few months, etc.  I hope they see what is healthy v. unhealthy. 

So you give me hope, but there is some sadness when I see that some of you have not been able to see "the light" until you are in your 40s.  Definitely better late than never, but I hope that my skids are able to have a healthy relationship with their dad despite their mom's attempts to ruin it.  Life is too short.

[TheRightPond]

1. A number of other folks said this already but just modeling a healthy relationship helped so, so much.

2. Maintain consistent boundaries, rules, and consequences.

3. Don't give away or euthanize their pet

I didn't have a stepmother (my father died when I was five and I lived alone with my uBPD mother for 18 years). It wasn't until I started having sleepovers at friends' houses and spending time with their families that I realized other people didn't live the way we lived. My best friend's mother was nice to me (for no reason), she talked to me (about things I cared about), and took me in for a few months when my mother and I had a "domestic disturbance." When my mother came at her, screaming about how ungrateful and uncontrollable I was, she put her hands on her hips and said she knew me to be otherwise.

I still get a twinge when people are kind to me and wonder what I did to deserve to be treated so well. However, learning to emulate healthy relationships and behaviors from my friend's family put me on the right track to develop those skills and habits and I have the sweetest, most supportive, intelligent, interesting people around me now.

[mamachelle]

Great to read all your responses... . I'm a stepmom in a blended family. Non married to a Non.  Brady bunch style... .   This kind of insight helps so much. Thank you!

 

[Thunderstruck]

These really do help.  Thank you all so much.

I get so worried for my SO's D8. It just seems like she so badly wants a normal family and wants me as her mother figure. I don't want to let her down. 

And she's only 8! She shouldn't know what "suicide" means, or not have her own room/bed to sleep in, or worry constantly about mom getting upset and yelling, or have such low self-esteem that she doesn't want to try most things. She should just be worry free and playing.

[GeekyGirl]

Thunderstruck, it is sad, but the positive in this is that your SO's D8 does have support.   I can imagine that you feel like you're under a lot of pressure to make things right, but even just trying will make a huge difference. Don't feel like you need to fix everything--you are already making a very positive impact on her life by showing her that you care about her. 

[CAJill]

Hi thunderstruck. I joined this board just this week seeking exactly what you are. I, too, am the step mother to an 8 yr old girl living w/BPD mom. It is very difficult to watch her adapt to her living situation as she gets older. I realize most of it is survival and she's just an 8 yr old little girl who loves her mom who is a mess. Therapy for myself with a therapist knowledgable of BPD has helped tremendously as have the posts I have read in response to yours here. It is difficult navigating the fine line in the moments where she makes a comment related to her father and/or me OR something irrational about her mother. It's as if she's asking for clarification yet I don't know how direct/indirect to be sometimes. Best of luck to you and if you ever need to vent to someone who can relate... .   let me know.