To infinity and beyond

[Hurt llama]

Well, tomorrow I am seeing my ex BPD fiancee and well... .   "officially' starting over.

It's taken more thought than I have ever put into anything but I know this is the right thing at the right time.

It's take a chance with full awareness and prepared with the tools and give it my best shot. it's worth it.

We've never stopped loving each other... .   ever really for over 5 years... . We have been through a hell of sorts and she hurt me in stupid BPD ways and I reacted... .   well... .   all I can say is that her hell was equal (actually worse( than mine.

I am choosing to do this with free mind and will with the idea of giving it my best shot and in the event it doesn't work out that I move on finally and just go on and deal with my own problems as my own and be the man I used to be.

The most important thing by far is not about her... . it's about regaining interests in my life and in focusing on myself, with her in the picture or not.

It sounds easy on paper... . The challenge will be how to deal with normal life stresses about mundane things... . about how not to be so codependant... .   not to feel the need to rescue her... .   That's the hard part... . SHe is not in strong financial situation... . coming here to my city for a job interview (2nd) which hopefully will enable her to work from her home (an isiand i love) and work from here too.

it's exciting and scary... .

I have had my heart closed even though we have been intimate a few times, each time I would never commit and she would practically beg for me to try again... . I have no yielded but off I go... .

To infinity and beyond.

(as the crowd moans... .   My family just sort of nods politely, which is about all I can really hope for at this point.)

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[Hurt llama]

Um, has anyone else done this here? 

[Hurt llama]

I had to repeat my plan to try again more than a couple of times to my sister... .   who was polite and just expressed concern that if it doesn't work out, how badly can I get hurt?

It's a good question. I feel prepared to try and I am... .   But gotta admit that I wish I didn't want to... .

the pattern she had when we first me and the source of the Original Pain was that she was seeing me and another man at the same time... .   she did fall in love wtih me, hard, of this I have no doubt... .   she was terrified of the overwhelming feeling (just as I was) and she actually said "I went to him to see if I truly love you"... . and she meant it.

We;ve gone over this and other things countless times... .

She has never painted me fully black except after we had a bit of a nuclear reaction that I know wont be repeated... . I am not capable of it and neither is she... .

But I have seen her idealize and then make an ice cold decision to end it on the guy she was with after me... .   she had been in constant touch with me and he read her emails to me and he lost his mind... . and I mean literally.

He sounds like many of us who have been devastated by a BPD... .   But he was a recovering alcoholic and had a history of relationships in which the same thing happened and he was dumped.

Her reasons for dropping him were all valid and yet she didn't and doesn't see that she did anything even remotely wrong... .   Having met his family, started shopping for engagement rings, planning a future and she well... . just changed her mind!

I agree she never should have been with the guy but still... .   scary to see what she set off there.

Now in the recent past... .   she has been in a relationship for 10 months and as I posted each time they broke up she has intimate with me.

Clearly there is a pattern and while I know I am her number one choice, I do see the possible future if and when we have a serious fight... .  

I'm not sure (i have no idea actually) what or how much I can do to prevent serious arguments... .   I know I can use the tools I have learned and all fo that but I am wondering if what I am trying to do is really possible and if so is it worth the cost?

The only reason I am doing it is that frankly, I've not met anyone else in which I have the connection and interests... .   And of course I am aware that that connection might have some dysfunction at the core.

Sorry for rambling in a thread that I doubt gets much response... .

This is more like a journal entry that I will reflect back on as I shake my head... .   wondering... . why did I do this again?

[connect]

Hi Llama,

It looks to me as though you are giving this another shot (your best shot) for you. It doesnt look as if you have fallen for anything on her side but you want to know for YOURSELF if this will work. I think you have gained knowledge and tools since your split and you want to use them. If it doesnt work this time (with your new tools and insight) you will know you did all you could here. That is a form of closure for you to avoid the "what if's... .   " 

If you can get her/you to a BPD T I think that would be even better.

Good luck - hope it works out for you