A letter I sent to my newly minted Ex.

[Hurt llama]

I know many folks here post if they should send letters to their ex. IN my case it wasn't a question and yes every situation is different.  In my case, I suppose (and it's hard to believe) but my ex and my story is on the lighter side of BPD exposure (can't believe I am writing this!)

Here is the letter I sent her tonight.

Maybe it is too sappy, too flattering to her, to nice, to romantic... . I think it is. If my sister or kids or friends read this they would all tell me I am way to kind and screw her... .   My friends and family are not fans, to say the least.

But the feelings and the message is as real as I can write it.

Now I have to start building up again, to experience not having her in my daily life as a text friend, video chat friend, and having her always in my mind... .   just as I was in hers.

I don't want to endure finding out about her with another man.Maybe the guy she went to the show with today... . As I have posted, yeah, it WAS time for once to LISTEN to that little voice in my head and take it in that it is almost NEVER WRONG and that while I might sound like a jealous unreasonable lunatic, guess what?

I know I am right. This is how she operates... . it's sick. She's sick and she is able to look me straight in the face, with no expression and those pretty ice cold blue/green eyes and state calmly in a beautiful voice, " I love you unconditionally. You are my soulmate. I love the crinkle of your eyes. I love the way it feels to walk down the street with you. I am madly in love with you. You don't get it. YOU HAVE ME. Completely. All my friends know. Everyone knows. I am madly in love with you since I first laid eyes on you. I would not be with X, I want to be with you but if you are not in my life, sure its possible I would be with X"

Now that's hard to hear, isn't it? It sounds 'right'... .   How much more could I ask for... . The darned woman means every single word of it! Yet I know. Most of us do know the illness in her, the sickness, the confusion to 'Non's' like us (hate how it sounds to be a 'non" )

Anyway. Here's the letter I wrote tonight.

==

Hi,

I emailed and texted you a few times and you're probably busy and enjoying the city.

Needless to say, yes, I do miss you pretty terribly and think of you every few minutes and refer to you to people I am with who i wish you would have been in my life to meet.

I know your experience of feeling that I was always leaving you while obviously connected to your built in fear of abandonment is something very real and I suspect extremely disturbing to you in a way I don't think I ever did or can fully appreciate.

In the same way, I have felt in a similar way as to never feeling a certain safety or sensitivity that without contributes to an anxiety  i feel.

In some ways, we each never trusted the other and how I see it at least is well, quite honestly I don't think it's so much about the other person as we think.

But whatever it is, one thing I have learned (and it makes it harder) is how much I do love and care and always did care about you and I know you felt the same way towards me no matter what!

It's more than a little frustrating to have been so close and yet so far.

That at the deepest roots I feel you never really 'got' or saw me for who I really am. I'm not a jealous man, not insecure about my woman being around other men. This has never been an issue for me, as I am nothing if not confident with who I am as a man.

I had no idea what was going on this weekend with that show. That woman X from XXX knew all about it of course.

I wish I had known and it would have been a zero, non issue but really we both know, it's not about that anyway... . And it's not about X of course.

I think you are awesome…a gem of gems, an angel, a sweetie.

I am quite sad, devastated even…if that makes you feel any better.

I am not the man to let go it seems, or not easily.

And yet yesterday, I saw that I have unresolved issues about things that happened in the relationship that kept coming up and never were 'resolved'…I had enlisted help in how to make it work with you... . and I told you of that.

I thought i could do it alone and that by sheer force of will…of love and resolute certainty that I was going to finally make the commitment to be your boyfriend... . which to me is quite a serious commitment as I have made no secret that my intentions were never anything short of marriage or at the least living together as a couple... . really as mates... . llama mate soul mates.

I am bittersweet in the knowledge that you are whole (FINALLY!) and that I was there every step of the way and believed in you throughout.

I know i/we will heal and we will continue to make our lives better, fuller and healthier…I was loving how you managed to find your way with food and how much in sync it was with my own desire and hope to eat better (and more often) to just feel better. And from there, just keep moving forward in healthy ways to have a sane, amazing, interesting and productive life.

I love you. Greatly respect you X. Please know that.

Yesterday maybe never should have happened... . Yeah, it was ridiculously easily avoidable. But it happened and we were both right back to the original pain in many ways.

We are so much alike…That while I look and seem a certain way... . on the inside I might be working harder than it may appear.

What that means is I was just running on a hope, a wish, a longing and using all of the remainder of my 'will' to make us finally be whole.

Of course I was in over my head and that i over estimated my will and my desire to just hope that love and all would just conquer anything. Sadly of course it can't. Not alone at least.

You are a fascinating woman. Complex and simple. I saw you completely. I did.

I'll never know it all and I guess there will always be unanswered questions that really can't be answered... .

And it's like a microcosm of life I guess.

Anyway, I hope by sharing all of this you know one thing at the least. I am lucky I had you in my life. And as you said, I do not have regrets.

Did I wish for a happy romantic comedy of endings.

Hell yea of  course.

After all, you were XXX.

Two romantic love lorn llamas…

And it was quite a tale to say the least.

And the two llamas looked into the horizon and head down, put one hoof in front of the other.

Love,


Me

[Hurt llama]

and here's her response she wrote from the plane ready to take off for home:

(surprised she even read it... .   ) Yeah she always pays me back... .   she made it hard as she is not so bad on so many levels... .   I loved 99% of her... .   it was that 1% that well... .   I thought I could 'navigate' or learn techniques to deal with... .   and maybe if I were married with young kids I would try but we're not married and I hope I can find safer true love and not continue this dance that I have done... .   more me than her... . she's wanted me and tried and tried and I have used her and kept her at bay and been clear and honest... .   the one time I tried again in October, she icily dumped me in a ten word text message" No easy way to say this. I am back with X. SOrry"

She will do it again... .   Not the same way... . but she will find a way to make me not feel safe.

Its not as easy to say as it might sound to some but... . I can say this and know it's true; IT'S HER. NOT ME.

(yes of course I know my part of the sickness and yeah, I'm worried if I can find the right blend of connection compatibilty and safety that I need... . )

I don't think it will happen anytime soon... .   But i need to remind myself and clearly know that my ex was not what she appeared... . that she waas not really real... .   and that her constant telling me she loved me and out loud saying "He loves me" and her having to drink 3 glasses of wine withing 60 seconds of seeing me each day... .   indicates tremendous anxiety even with  her 20mg of Lexapro... .  

She's crazy.

The trick will be for me to be attracted to not crazy.

I have severe doubts to be honest.

=====

Ty for that beautiful email. The conference went well. I networked with designers, spoke about what I'm doing and a couple asked if they could refer clients to me.

I'm at the airport about to board. The trip was successful professionally. As for us, I think it provide us the closure we both needed.

I owe you $XXXX plus plus. Will pay you as soon as I can.

Thank you for being a supportive friend these past 5 years.

Xo

[BorderlineMagnet]

That is a really heartfelt letter. Very eloquent. I'm jealous of the response you got honestly. I wrote an equally touching letter right before the end between me and my current ex pwBPD, trying to calm her fears of abandonment, but she not being as articulate as your ex simply replied "I don't really know what to say, you're saying all the right things and everything, I just really do not know what to say". Sometimes BPD's just can not process a lot of emotional information at once, and it's almost like gibberish to them, or they can't formulate responses. Maybe I should learn to write shorter emails . Anyways, way to go. Nothing wrong with getting your feelings out, it's keeping them inside that torments you.

[fakename]

Llama. I'm sure her cold email hurt you.

At least ones I received from my ex in similar situations have hurt me. So cold, while making a point to tell me how she's great in some way, just as yours did.

Bottom line for me, is that for me to have to write such long and romantic letters where I would literally spell out how nice I was to her or how things were just isnt sane. And just as important it was usually me deluded and following this fantasy version of love that she had and transposed over my idea of love and that's what I accepted as love and that's what I chased and that would be my justification in ignoring how all my boundaries would be violated.

I wasn't myself with her and I wasn't myself when I would write out my desperate letters. I personally now see that version of  myself as lost and pathetic. I am glad I am finding myself again.

[Hurt llama]

After re reading my email to her... .   I do wish I didn't need to have said it to be honest. That maybe it was too kind, maybe it was manipulative to be so darn nice and complimentary to a woman who has not treated me right. Not offered ever really an apology that stuck. Never took responsibility and would slyly smile when pressed about something she said would say, "Well, I meant it when I said it" or when confronted with her cheating on me way back at the start of our relationship, "There are two truths".

The mind boggles that I did not send psycho woman packing five years ago.

And I was a fool and it cost me more than I ever imagined, blaming myself for her sickness... .   This insanity of things she said and did and the ice cold crazy that she is.

Sorry to share like this... .  

I'm a disingenuous jerk who lacks the ability to tell her to f off and it's her loss and the end.

I'm embarrassed at myself for lacking the strength to let her suffer as she so deserved a couple of months ago... . when she was so having anxiety she could barely function... .   and sending her money as a loan (she always pays it back) when why did I need to be such a nice guy?

I'd rather call her a piece of XXXX and tell her to go blank herself like the man I used to be who treated women with respect always but would NEVER tolerate treatment such as this.

To thy own self be true... .   interesting how she's often say this... .   meaning it how? I have no real idea as her sense of self is in such a warped reality, 'truth' is an abstraction.

Sorry for the rant.

[fakename]

Haha. It was a good rant.

Sometimes their holier than thou attitude while being complete hypocrites can really frustrate us. I know it did to me. Caused me a lot of anger and frustration.

The past few days I feel like I got over that. Cause I just realized how ridiculous it is and what a terrible way to live a life. And me obsessing over her being like that is also a terrible way for me to spend my life so I have to make my focus to just move on entirely and focus on my life.

It all comes in time though. Wen you're ready is dictated by you making continuous progress.

Dont be hard on yourself. It was a good rant.

[Hurt llama]

Llama. I'm sure her cold email hurt you.

At least ones I received from my ex in similar situations have hurt me. So cold, while making a point to tell me how she's great in some way, just as yours did.

Bottom line for me, is that for me to have to write such long and romantic letters where I would literally spell out how nice I was to her or how things were just isnt sane. And just as important it was usually me deluded and following this fantasy version of love that she had and transposed over my idea of love and that's what I accepted as love and that's what I chased and that would be my justification in ignoring how all my boundaries would be violated.

I wasn't myself with her and I wasn't myself when I would write out my desperate letters. I personally now see that version of  myself as lost and pathetic. I am glad I am finding myself again.

It hurts to read that... .   as my letter to her is insane on some levels... .   that I freaking give two shirts about her... . I have been there for this woman in ways emotionally as she was a disaster losing her job and being the best friend she ever had... . and she always did acknowledge that but BIG DEAL.

This is the same woman who while I was in the hospital last year having major surgery was disappearing and screwing someone and lured me back to her NYE only for me to find a used condom in her #%@ trash... .   and she still can look at me straight in the eye and say "We were not in a relationship. He was a friend. I never cheated in my life except that one time before i ever went to your home"

Man o man... .   the anger I could summon up, could wipe cities off the map... .   but it only hurts me... .   that there is no revenge, there is no justice other than the justice life brings all of us.

I've spent thousands of hours understanding... .   looking inside... .   taking blame... .  

I'm surprised I got ANY response. Her usual response would be more like "You know I never read your emails. I delete them"

[fakename]

Hahaha. Llama I can't help but laugh cause our exes are just as cold.

At least yours used condoms!

It's in the past and it takes time to move on especially after you have SO SO much!

I'm glad to see that it's not just me that can't fulfill her needs, no one can. Tht helped in trying to regain my self esteem and recognize I'm not so inadequate.

I'm also glad to see that it's all her about needs and mine don't matter at all and neither do anyone else's.

But one thing I have also accepted, is that in the beginning, I was using her just as she was using me.

[Hurt llama]

Haha. It was a good rant.

Sometimes their holier than thou attitude while being complete hypocrites can really frustrate us. I know it did to me. Caused me a lot of anger and frustration.

The past few days I feel like I got over that. Cause I just realized how ridiculous it is and what a terrible way to live a life. And me obsessing over her being like that is also a terrible way for me to spend my life so I have to make my focus to just move on entirely and focus on my life.

It all comes in time though. Wen you're ready is dictated by you making continuous progress.

Dont be hard on yourself. It was a good rant.

Thank you for this post and thank you everybody for your responses. It helps a great deal to have this resource... .   It's as if we share a common specific experience, even if the levels of the BPD person might vary greatly... . it's the same sick dance.

Maybe we all share some commonalities of persona as Nons... .   For myself, I do have a spiritual approach to forgiveness, leaning towards understanding and compassion and forgiveness. And these are traits that I believe attract these sickos to us. (I'm sorry for continuing to refer to BPD as 'sickos' and other not flattering words... .   I could easily speak of them as victims as obviously that is what they are... .   but for tonight... .   I'd rather just consider my ex a selfish, using, flattering, fake, POS.

This too shall pass. 

I may be a middle aged white man but Eminem... .   expresses some feelings I would rather have right now that this supercilious 'understanding' and 'compassion' for my ex

www.youtube.com/watch?v=61TNYhRGtww

[Hurt llama]

Hahaha. Llama I can't help but laugh cause our exes are just as cold.

At least yours used condoms!

It's in the past and it takes time to move on especially after you have SO SO much!

I'm glad to see that it's not just me that can't fulfill her needs, no one can. Tht helped in trying to regain my self esteem and recognize I'm not so inadequate.

I'm also glad to see that it's all her about needs and mine don't matter at all and neither do anyone else's.

But one thing I have also accepted, is that in the beginning, I was using her just as she was using me.

She pointed that out every time that she didn't make me use a condom... .   But she slept with him because she felt sorry for him... . Yeah. she said that.

She is not a cheat really... . she is not even promiscuous... . I've had many more partners by far... .   It's not the number... . it's like a gun... .   she used her sex as a tactical nuclear device... .  

[Hurt llama]

double post

[fakename]

Hahaha at how you're gonna consider your ex for tonight

I also consider myself one of the more understanding forgiving and compassionate people around. I think that made me good to use for whenever she was broken up with the guy who wasn't as 'easy' as me. I guess those she found more challenging helped relieve some of her engulfment issues or something. I don't know.

I also pretty much stopped think about all the lies she would tell me dealing with how much she loved me and all the romantic crap.  It feels good not to think about that and wonder how she could say such things. I think what helped me was just accepting that none of it was real and she would offer the same words to anyone else who would fill her needs.

And on that note, I'm a big sinatra as dean Martin junkie. Two sounds from them that remind me of her, same old song and dance - sinatra. Mean to me - dean

I'm off to bed. Take it easy on yourself llama

[Hurt llama]

Hahaha. Llama I can't help but laugh cause our exes are just as cold.

At least yours used condoms!

It's in the past and it takes time to move on especially after you have SO SO much!

I'm glad to see that it's not just me that can't fulfill her needs, no one can. Tht helped in trying to regain my self esteem and recognize I'm not so inadequate.

I'm also glad to see that it's all her about needs and mine don't matter at all and neither do anyone else's.

But one thing I have also accepted, is that in the beginning, I was using her just as she was using me.

it helps that i know I'm helping someone to laugh here... .   I mean it!

You raise a good point for me to take in. While I clearly am screwed up from this crazy relationship, I carry zero feelings of inadequacy as far as she's concerned... .   I used to believe she could so easily and swiftly move on... .   Not this one... . she might screw an ex next week or not but I know she ain't replacing me in her life... . Not now. not ever... .   and that's not just because of me... . She was right when she again slyly smiled that sweet cold Sharon Stone smile and said, "I am the Impossible Woman"

[Hurt llama]

Hahaha at how you're gonna consider your ex for tonight

I also consider myself one of the more understanding forgiving and compassionate people around. I think that made me good to use for whenever she was broken up with the guy who wasn't as 'easy' as me. I guess those she found more challenging helped relieve some of her engulfment issues or something. I don't know.

I also pretty much stopped think about all the lies she would tell me dealing with how much she loved me and all the romantic crap.  It feels good not to think about that and wonder how she could say such things. I think what helped me was just accepting that none of it was real and she would offer the same words to anyone else who would fill her needs.

And on that note, I'm a big sinatra as dean Martin junkie. Two sounds from them that remind me of her, same old song and dance - sinatra. Mean to me - dean

I'm off to bed. Take it easy on yourself llama

Good night and thanks again for the posts. All of them have really helped!

[Hurt llama]

That is a really heartfelt letter. Very eloquent. I'm jealous of the response you got honestly. I wrote an equally touching letter right before the end between me and my current ex pwBPD, trying to calm her fears of abandonment, but she not being as articulate as your ex simply replied "I don't really know what to say, you're saying all the right things and everything, I just really do not know what to say". Sometimes BPD's just can not process a lot of emotional information at once, and it's almost like gibberish to them, or they can't formulate responses. Maybe I should learn to write shorter emails . Anyways, way to go. Nothing wrong with getting your feelings out, it's keeping them inside that torments you.

Sometimes BPD's just can not process a lot of emotional information at once, and it's almost like gibberish to them

Bingo.