Leaving was easy. Now comes the hard part.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Many of you have followed my joining in Leaving, then posting in Undecided and finally making a decision to commit as her boyfriend in Staying and with little surprise, official breaking up with her in some ways for the first time since we met, even though I called off the engagement 5 years ago.

I have never broken up as directly and as clearly as I just did on Friday. i know as one member so beautifully pointed out that my ex is a beautiful untamable wild stallion. And I did send her that description last night and as suspected she wasn't insulted at all. She simply said we both are being true to ourselves. And yes, that's true.

But of course as much as I'd like to deny it, is that secret 'wish' that was always there... .   the wish many of us might have... . That my ex will suddenly 'get it' and come back to me and we could finally have the life that both of us on many levels always wanted.

I rate my ex as a 'light case' of BPD... . and I don't do that to make it better because it actually makes it harder in some ways. I don't have so much of the bad treatment that I mostly read here to 'keep me honest', it makes it harder to see her as for the impossible woman she always said she is.

She's subtle in a way. Her love for me was steadfast, consistant and always and yes I am aware that she doesn't have the ability to have mature true love. It's like trying to explain color to a blind person.

I miss her greatly already... . and that doesn't mean I think any differently if we could make it or not. We can't. It can't happen unless she independently decided her life is not working for her and she started to do heavy specific therapy. IN other words. it's not happening.

Now I need a plan... . and help.

Part of the healing is going to be in trying to develope a habit of NC... .   extremely hard for me, easy for her. This was my dysfunction, not hers, as much as I hate to admit it. IN this way, as painful as it is to admit, she's much better suited to moving on. Obviously.

I probably know all the things to do. To keep busy, to be around friends, to eat well and exercise.

But I am scared to be perfectly honest. That I lack the strength... . That while I know many women and can date often and easily, that I am damaged, addicted to the excitement my dysfunctional ex offered.

So many posts here have helped me to see that I am not just not alone but that many of us or even most have many of the same problems.

Have any of you gone through this successfully? Five to sis years of almost constant contact with her... .   my closest friend... .   we shared everything.

And no, I hope I am not idealizing her as I think I see her clearly... .

I'd love to blame it all on her... . but it's me who is more of the problem of reaching for her even if I knew I could never last... .

I did her a tremendous favor of directly saying what she needed to hear... . She will be as fine as she can be... .   and with her cool nature and pleasing exteriour, she can fake it through her life with the help of large doses of SSRI's... .   which as much as they help, also keep her even more distant.

Wish there was a pill for me... . and there isn't. I've tried.

:'(

 

[Hurt llama]

Many of you have followed my joining in Leaving, then posting in Undecided and finally making a decision to commit as her boyfriend in Staying and with little surprise, official breaking up with her in some ways for the first time since we met, even though I called off the engagement 5 years ago.

I have never broken up as directly and as clearly as I just did on Friday. i know as one member so beautifully pointed out that my ex is a beautiful untamable wild stallion. And I did send her that description last night and as suspected she wasn't insulted at all. She simply said we both are being true to ourselves. And yes, that's true.

But of course as much as I'd like to deny it, is that secret 'wish' that was always there... .   the wish many of us might have... . That my ex will suddenly 'get it' and come back to me and we could finally have the life that both of us on many levels always wanted.

I rate my ex as a 'light case' of BPD... . and I don't do that to make it better because it actually makes it harder in some ways. I don't have so much of the bad treatment that I mostly read here to 'keep me honest', it makes it harder to see her as for the impossible woman she always said she is.

She's subtle in a way. Her love for me was steadfast, consistant and always and yes I am aware that she doesn't have the ability to have mature true love. It's like trying to explain color to a blind person.

I miss her greatly already... . and that doesn't mean I think any differently if we could make it or not. We can't. It can't happen unless she independently decided her life is not working for her and she started to do heavy specific therapy. IN other words. it's not happening.

Now I need a plan... . and help.

Part of the healing is going to be in trying to develope a habit of NC... .   extremely hard for me, easy for her. This was my dysfunction, not hers, as much as I hate to admit it. IN this way, as painful as it is to admit, she's much better suited to moving on. Obviously.

I probably know all the things to do. To keep busy, to be around friends, to eat well and exercise.

But I am scared to be perfectly honest. That I lack the strength... . That while I know many women and can date often and easily, that I am damaged, addicted to the excitement my dysfunctional ex offered.

So many posts here have helped me to see that I am not just not alone but that many of us or even most have many of the same problems.

Have any of you gone through this successfully? Five to sis years of almost constant contact with her... .   my closest friend... .   we shared everything.

And no, I hope I am not idealizing her as I think I see her clearly... .

I'd love to blame it all on her... . but it's me who is more of the problem of reaching for her even if I knew I could never last... .

I did her a tremendous favor of directly saying what she needed to hear... . She will be as fine as she can be... .   and with her cool nature and pleasing exteriour, she can fake it through her life with the help of large doses of SSRI's... .   which as much as they help, also keep her even more distant.

Wish there was a pill for me... . and there isn't. I've tried.

:'(

 

[Hurt llama]

i only emailed her about 6x today... .   at least they were short and didn't say all that much... . some had to do with some details of a few things she was handling for me when she was here... .   her responses were 1-3 words.

My last one was i'm taking a nap and hugging my dog and I will leave her alone.

[GreenMango]

HL reaching out to her today 6 times.  Gotta get that under control.  She likely can't help you soothe this.  How you handle this now will likely shape how the rest of your business relationship will pan out.

Treat it like drunk dialing or texting.  Dont do it.

Can you find a replacement activity when you want to contact her?

[Hurt llama]

HL reaching out to her today 6 times.  Gotta get that under control.  She likely can't help you soothe this.  How you handle this now will likely shape how the rest of your business relationship will pan out.

Treat it like drunk dialing or texting.  Dont do it.

Can you find a replacement activity when you want to contact her?

I know I do. It's addiction level stuff and I am not the addictive type and never was addicted to anything. It makes no sense, there's nothing she can say to me to make me feel better and this was all my decision and I've done this sort of thing with her for a very long time... . we both have... .   I've been almost her 'life coach' and she has been mine too.

I know there are lots of threads and posts about missing their ex's and the 'best friend' thing... .   and this is the case with us... . and sure she was not a perfect friend but she wasn't bad either.

This is the hardest part... .   I posted in another thread how I have this fantasy of an imagined scenario my ex was more typical of the ex's I read about here... . and ranted and screwed my friends and did such onerous things that it would be 'easy' to move on.

It's SIX years of constant connection and yeah we were closest friends... .   and yeah she doesn't have the stuff needed to be my wife, which was clearly what I wanted.

I played with fire... . I didn't get badly burned... . I walked away as civilly and as humanely as possible.

I did write her a last email just now. I touched on some things i needed to say.

I've been through something like this once before with another ex... .   it was hard... .   extremely... . and it was me compulsively reaching and reacting to triggers... .   it took a long time but it did finally pass.

Today I'll give myself a bit of a pass... . but this is it.

I can't keep doing this as it's just bad on every level for both of us actually... . And I don't want to hurt her either. She doesn't deserve it at all.

Thanks for the post and I'm embarrassed at myself for not letting this go as I know i must.

PS: reread your post and I was able to undo the business transactions... . she as usual in matters such as this was great. I turned it into a simple loan and we cancelled out the other stuff we were doing together... .

[Hurt llama]

double post

[GreenMango]

It's hard Llama.  Nobody here is going to tell you isn't.  

Leaving has those lessons, I think No. 4 Creative Action was the most helpful for me.  It's a tangible help.  Little things. Small steps - even if it's just going to see a movie or going for a walk.  

This is the hardest part... .   I posted in another thread how I have this fantasy of an imagined scenario my ex was more typical of the ex's I read about here... . and ranted and screwed my friends and did such onerous things that it would be 'easy' to move on.

I don't think a person needs to rage, or to have to go to extremes, to make a relationship unhealthy.  When a person needs lots of inappropriate attention, especially sexual attention, from the desired sex it can cause a lot of problems in a relationship.  She wasn't able to do this - her needs competed with your needs.  That in many cases can end the most "normal" of relationships.  

It's okay to need a committed partner who has a secure enough sense of self and esteem they don't constantly behave in attention seeking ways.  

Lots of unreasonable expectations in these relationships - going both ways.  I've had them too.

[Hurt llama]

It's hard Llama.  Nobody here is going to tell you isn't.  

Leaving has those lessons, I think No. 4 Creative Action was the most helpful for me.  It's a tangible help.  Little things. Small steps - even if it's just going to see a movie or going for a walk.  

This is the hardest part... .   I posted in another thread how I have this fantasy of an imagined scenario my ex was more typical of the ex's I read about here... . and ranted and screwed my friends and did such onerous things that it would be 'easy' to move on.

I don't think a person needs to rage, or to have to go to extremes, to make a relationship unhealthy.  When a person needs lots of inappropriate attention, especially sexual attention, from the desired sex it can cause a lot of problems in a relationship.  She wasn't able to do this - her needs competed with your needs.  That in many cases can end the most "normal" of relationships.  

It's okay to need a committed partner who has a secure enough sense of self and esteem they don't constantly behave in attention seeking ways.  

Lots of unreasonable expectations in these relationships - going both ways.  I've had them too.

It's so important for me to hear these words. I absolutely continue to downplay the damage caused and I don't tend to post things that she did or does that were setting me off while she was here... .   How she needed to drink 3 drinks quickly each day... . how sex with her while good and kept me attracted, I started actually feeling uncomfortable with it. I have no problem with watching porn... . and i loved watching it with her but... .   she started watching more extreme porn... . and it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable and I was not really uncomfortable with the porn but it started alerting me to a way that our sex was exciting and all but there was an almost red flag of dysfunction... .   As she is so sexual and at the same time can turn icy cold to her partner... . she's told me about this... .   how sex was always a very loaded issue for her... .   And yet she can say this on one hand and defend that having sex with an ex she felt sorry for the day before I saw her last year and leaving a used condom in the trash was totally fine as we were not in a relationship and if we were she was always loyal (sorta of true)... .  

SHe said to me that she know she loves me because she can tolerate the mess I left in the sink (I was in the middle of shaving)... .   This is a tiny thing, right? A stupid detail not worth mentioning, right? Yet it was the same thing she said the first time I met her and stayed at her apartment... . I never felt safe... . And here she is saying the same thing but this time in MY apartment? when I was doing 5 things at once and she walked in to the bathroom in the middle of me cleaning up and criticized me?

She kept me off balance well before we met, and the first time we had sex she had many orgasms... .   and I said, "Wow, that was amazing... . what is the most orgasms you have ever had?" (what a stupid question but I was a noob)

She replied... . "Eight... . but that was with a very inappropriate partner... . he was my neighbor, much older and he used his hands"

I'm not sharing these gory details to shock... .   WHen she said that to me, I was stunned, I was blown away... . The feeling of the fact our sex and connection was so special was all blown to pieces in those few words.

And I remember telling her my feelings right on the spot to which she replied, "You're right. That was bad" Another line that was used whenever she had to face something she did... .  

I'll stop the tales here... .   as I made the point.

I have Stockholme Syndrome or something like it... . I'll get past it somehow.

Thanks again for the post. Very helpful.

[laelle]

Hurt, I will write more later as it is 6 am here and I dont have my wits about me to write much.

I did want to tell you that I understand your level of hurt and pain.  Its not going to be easy.  They are our drug, our addiction.

When you love someone its normal that you would hurt and fight them not being in your life.

It would be easier if they were "normal" then you could in good conscious hold them accountable for their actions.

If they had no wits about them you could completely exonerate them.

Its just easier to take the focus off them and what they are and are not and put it on you.

What do you see when you think of a happy, healthy relationship?  What values are important to you?  What things about you do you think you need to work on?

Does this relationship give you what you need?  Regardless of how hard each moment gets, bring yourself back to this.

It doesnt matter what she is, it matters who you are.  What you need.

I hope you have a great day.   

[Hurt llama]

Hurt, I will write more later as it is 6 am here and I dont have my wits about me to write much.

I did want to tell you that I understand your level of hurt and pain.  Its not going to be easy.  They are our drug, our addiction.

When you love someone its normal that you would hurt and fight them not being in your life.

It would be easier if they were "normal" then you could in good conscious hold them accountable for their actions.

If they had no wits about them you could completely exonerate them.

Its just easier to take the focus off them and what they are and are not and put it on you.

What do you see when you think of a happy, healthy relationship?  What values are important to you?  What things about you do you think you need to work on?

Does this relationship give you what you need?  Regardless of how hard each moment gets, bring yourself back to this.

It doesnt matter what she is, it matters who you are.  What you need.

I hope you have a great day.   

The question of did the relationship give me what I need? is a great one... .   and the "true' answer is complicated.

There is the spiritual answer that yes it did. That i 'needed' to 'learn' and confront certain things in my life and persona. Sure I can make a good case for that.

There are no accidents... .   as I told her when I saw a used condom in the garbage next to the bed that i guess she 'forgot' to throw out.

The madness that exposure can bring out in some of us is palpable... .   we can... . I can delve almost forever in the lessons needed to learn and how I knew everything i needed to know about her truly before we met. Red flags? Flashing warning lights... .   Alarms? They were screaming at me 3000 miles away well before we met. I knew all I needed to know before we met.

I know that at different times in my life I would not have been nearly as vulnerable... . But I had my children already... . had gone through a painful divorce... .   Had an empty big old house and plenty of money for the first time... .   I stepped into the Perfect Storm... .   I had a need for a 'mission' and as Martin SHeen's character said in Apocalypse Now... .   "Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another" And that sums it up perfectly.

Maybe it's all perfect actually. I'm serious about that. Maybe the drama, the constant needs of hers and mine... .   needed to be filled by a woman 3000 miles away... .   I was safe really... .   I was in control... . I called the shots after she blew up my world... .   And maybe I wooed her back and got engaged and maybe part of my mind hedged my bets and knew I would call it off and blow up her world and destroy her back.

Yeah that's what i did. I can't feel bad about it... . In fact i feel sorta proud. "To Thy Own Self Be True' she said as recently as a few days ago... .   as said in another post, what does that mean anyway to her? Self? she has a warped sense of self? Truth to her is a variable that changes easily... .   so to thy own self be true... .   to her means do whatever she thinks she needs to do and claim it's true... .   THere is no truth to this vapid empty vessel. Sure it's sad. it's tragic. blah blah blah.

And maybe yes, it was and is easier to focus on her, her problems, her issues and be a friend to her ( i was) and to dedicate a part of myself to help her... .   did this take focus off of my own empty sense of self.

Clearly yes.

What to do about it? One foot in front of the other... .   made plans for tomorrow... . have a cool and fun and amazing project I am starting... .   and have plans to have a terrific woman I have dated in the past stay over on Tuesday or Wednesday... .

This is someone I dated on and off the last two years... . she has two young children and can't really be in a relationship right now... . It's honest, it straightforward and it's really cool... . i had plans to see her two weeks ago... . I posted it here how I planned on having sex just as my BPD was able to have sex with me and then her bf so goddamned easily... . But I couldn't do it... .   not that this woman would care, she wouldn't and my BPD gf would not have cared either believe it or not... . she subscribed to the dont ask dont tell school of casual sex... . she didn't care if i did it as long as it was safe and she didnt know... .   GF's not allowed... .   this was a red flag that I ignored early on.

Not sure waht the question was?

sorry to ramble on... .   as usual venting... .  

Maybe it's all just what it needed to be and what it is.

No idea anymore.

(You said in another thread something that struck me hard... .   you said you didn't know how you felt until you knew how they felt (pardon the paraphrase)... .   and I relate... .   that I had and have a sense of anxiety when I didn't know where she was or what she was doing... .   I attributed it to PTSD and I think that's true... .   I never was this way before and I hope never to be this way again.

[momtara]

HL, your first post brought tears.  I am just sorry you are going through this and wish you didn't have to.  I don't think it's so bad if you slip and contact her.  You're human.

[Hurt llama]

What do you see when you think of a happy, healthy relationship?  What values are important to you?  What things about you do you think you need to work on?

Does this relationship give you what you need?  Regardless of how hard each moment gets, bring yourself back to this.

It doesnt matter what she is, it matters who you are.  What you need.

Wow, I re-read your post and my response and it's pretty incredible that I didn't even 'get' the question of what do I see when I think of a happy healthy relationship.

Right now and for a long time, I see absolutely nothing. I'm numb, distraught, semi-destroyed. I can't imagine a happy healthy relationship anymore.

I say this seriously and it's not spur of the moment or flippant... . but I have had a sense for a few years, that I very well might need to accept this time in my life and that there is a good chance I won't be in a relationship again for a few years.

Did my ex fulfill the void I was feeling before I met her? 100% yes.

Can she be responsible for all the pain and suffering I am feeling... .  

No. She can't and as she so smugly loves to tell me... .   "I am not responsible for your pain. you are"

Boy I miss that woman. 

[Hurt llama]

HL, your first post brought tears.  I am just sorry you are going through this and wish you didn't have to.  I don't think it's so bad if you slip and contact her.  You're human.

Thank you for the heartfelt post. I just posted above that I am aware of overly indulging about my story and my pain here... .  

I know it's ok for me to slip with my ex and I sure have... .

I guess as they say... .   when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I'll change things.

To be perfectly honest (this hurts to admit), I have not even close have accepted that it is over with my ex... .   even though I know it can't happen or last or be good for me... .   It's that constant connection that I have trouble believing will end... .   and yet at the same time, imagining the future and how vulnerable I around her... .   that pain is greater than the feeling of happiness... .   and i hope that's enough to keep me away.

[momtara]

If you're not close to accepting that it's over, then maybe you do need to keep contacting her, taking risks, even if you just get beaten up and realize that it's truly over.  I was a lot more hurt a few months ago when I saw my relationship crumbling.  Now that my stbx husband has done some wacky things lately, I am more confident in my decision... .   although yeah, i still have doubts sometimes.  So if you are still having trouble leaving, maybe it's ok to keep slipping, as long as it doesn't cause real harm to anyone. 

[Hurt llama]

If you're not close to accepting that it's over, then maybe you do need to keep contacting her, taking risks, even if you just get beaten up and realize that it's truly over.  I was a lot more hurt a few months ago when I saw my relationship crumbling.  Now that my stbx husband has done some wacky things lately, I am more confident in my decision... .   although yeah, i still have doubts sometimes.  So if you are still having trouble leaving, maybe it's ok to keep slipping, as long as it doesn't cause real harm to anyone. 

I know and I have felt the same way... .   but it's getting old now... .   i just blew her up badly... .   and it's not fair to her to toy with her again and more importantly, I would be playing with WOD's here... .   (weapons of mass destruction)... .   No matter what I do, i need to continue to focus on my life, my health and my world and not on hers.

I shouldn't leave myself an out but at the very least... .   I can't go after her again... .   I can't do it... . if she came after me, it would be bad enough but me going after her is something that cannot happen... .   and her coming after me is making me ill to think about too... .   I am tired of the pain... . maybe i haven't accepted she is never going to be in my life again but I can't do this anymore.

[Hurt llama]

Incredible that I made this thread two weeks ago! Feels like a year ago.

So, this is progress... .  Wow... .  I knew it would be hard but didn't expect it to practically consume my life... .  But I have NOT yielded. I have not reached out and it's been hard as many of you know.

It feels almost like a psychosis. It's insane.

Last night I had this urge to send her some money... . wow. I know she's struggling mightily but before I did it I asked myself a few times what the cost to ME would be... .  and I woke up today so glad I didn't weaken.

I've done more for her than anyone in her life. She knows it and appreciates it. She already owes me a lot of money and I regret I am involved this way... . But I am resolute not to do this again.

She makes it easy actually. She cannot write or say the words I need to hear... .  Thank God. Because if she did, I would probably give it another shot, as sick as the thought makes me.

But I think at this point, I am underestimating my own strength. I don't know or care that much.

This feels like the most epic struggle I have ever had... . it is even more difficult in many ways than when I got a divorce after 17 years... .  that was hard but my ex wife is nothing compared to this one.

14 days. Don't feel like slipping.

[turtle]

14 days. Don't feel like slipping.

Good for you!  And... .  kiss that money goodbye.  Consider it the price of your freedom and forget about it.  It's just another thing you can keep in the back of your mind as a means to contact her later.  Let it go.

You're on your way, Hurt llama.  I'm here to tell you that NO CONTACT works.  It saved my life!  I've been out ELEVEN years and life is GOOD!

ONWARD!

turtle

[Hurt llama]

14 days. Don't feel like slipping.

Good for you!  And... .  kiss that money goodbye.  Consider it the price of your freedom and forget about it.  It's just another thing you can keep in the back of your mind as a means to contact her later.  Let it go.

You're on your way, Hurt llama.  I'm here to tell you that NO CONTACT works.  It saved my life!  I've been out ELEVEN years and life is GOOD!

ONWARD!

turtle

Turtle, I've been reading your recent posts and they are very helpful!

I have lent her money many times and she has always paid it back unceremoniously and without fanfare.

I have let it go though and won't ask her as right now it's moot anyway and pointless... . and as you know ANY contact is bad contact until I am completely cured... . and I will get there. I have no doubt. I factored in a 'slip' since I started but the positive momentum through literally nauseating moments, is not something I want to go through again.

My plan with the money owed if it comes to it is to have my sister handle contact with the instructions to keep the money and to never tell me the status of it in any way. Right now, it's completely out of my mind. Non issue.

I've got a lot of healing to do. It's hard to wrap my brain around this being so hard when I ended it. So many times.

Thank you again for posting. And congratulations to you for winning the war for your life.

[Surrender]

congratulations to you for winning the war for your life.

Hurt llama how very wise your words are because it is exactly that, a war over our lives. How very strange that out of all my r/s losses none of them caused me such suffering nor was it about fighting for my life, just this ONE. I will never again ignore a red flag!   I can't even feign ignorance in this because there were seemingly an endless amount of them.

The question I pose is what then was the 'force' that compelled me, magnetized me, seduced me in light of all these very painful and apparent red flags and what does that say about me and my issues?

I saw the glass door and thought I'd just walk right through it somehow.  

[Hurt llama]

The question I pose is what then was the 'force' that compelled me, magnetized me, seduced me in light of all these very painful and apparent red flags and what does that say about me?

Do you really want to know? 

Yes, it is a battle for our lives. "They" almost never even mattered. As odd as it might sound, I can look at my ex as a 'gift' (curse) that held answers to questions I didn't want to ask.

Maybe.

Still being reprogrammed. More later. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I read somewhere that I don't miss my pwBPD as much as I miss the feeling of being fully alive when I was with her.  So that has helped as I'm moving beyond her.  Yes, it is possible to have those feelings of being fully alive, thanks for the reminder BPD, in lots of ways, including building relationships with people who make me feel mostly good.

[Hurt llama]

I read somewhere that I don't miss my pwBPD as much as I miss the feeling of being fully alive when I was with her.  So that has helped as I'm moving beyond her.  Yes, it is possible to have those feelings of being fully alive, thanks for the reminder BPD, in lots of ways, including building relationships with people who make me feel mostly good.

such an important point. I've done lots of things wrong but I have made new friends and contacts that do make me feel good. As I write the words I almost want to credit my ex for her always encouraging me to do good things... . she did... . i'm coming to the point of letting go more and more and not making her black or white. Pardon the expression.

It's not about her anymore.

[turtle]

It's not about her anymore.

[Hurt llama]

And so it goes... .  

Yes. It's not about her anymore. It's not. Unfortunately.

I'd rather have her to be angry at. I'd rather connection. Any connection it seems. I can summon up anger if I have to energize myself into getting out the door I guess. But in the absence of anger, in the realization that I am alone in the Void, in the aftermath of a willful handing over of 'self', here I am. Three weeks later. Flat, exhausted, obsessive thoughts running almost non stop in my head, re playing events, re order memories, not seeing friends, not going outside other than for bare necessities, not working out, not working. doing as little as possible. Most of my life is living online. Being outside is when I open the window wide.

This didn't start three weeks ago. I threw my 'self' away piece by piece. Willingly, happily took her drama's, her real life challenges, her issues, her joys, successes, joys, failures, dreams and hopes and they slowly at first augmented my life and finally almost became my life.

None of it was anyone's 'fault'. She didn't 'do' anything to me. I get it all now and I had the need, the Void had started before I met her due to changes in my life connected with the still new feeling after my divorce (4 years) that I was wrapped up in an identity as a good father, good ex husband, good friend, good boss and I had all the happy distractions anyone could want.

But at my core I see now, or one of my cores was that when I wanted a divorce after 17 years marriage, my life was blown to pieces as I would come home to my new empty house and say out loud, "Hello No One. I am home"

And during the next 3 years I had a nice, fun, friendly only second love of my life and we saw each other on weekends while her divorce was being finalized and I was just waiting to sign my own divorce papers that dragged on.

I ended that relationship (god how normal that was compared to BPD) and continued inon in my newfound middle aged and really weird life that was for all intents and purposes quite good.

When I met my BPD partner, it was exactly what I needed, wanted and didn't even dare dream. You all know the feeling. It was intoxicating. Ridiculously good. It completed me.

Yet there was danger. Big danger. Huge danger. It was Defcon Five, Purple Alert even before we met, as I felt extremely uneasy since well before we actually met.

I traveled to see her and told my sister, "I hope I hate this woman". That was verbatim.

Anyway, in this post, this chapter. No more words will be written about her. She isn't the problem.

I have underestimated and not fully ever even had an inkling of what the cost of this 'giving up of self' was all about.

I wondered about it though.

I can't or don't even want to go and think of the calendar of events or timeline of connection, mostly via text and internet.

For as smart as I thought I was. For all the therapy I have done. For all the success I have had in ending a long marriage that cost me so much, for all the firepower of will and experience, I never realized I had almost invested my soul or a good piece of it, in another person.

At least now I know why, or at least I know more than I did, that the net effect of 6 years of willful loss of focus on me is the largest factor in me feeling so unmotivated, so incapable of fully living.

I have noted and notice some people who seem to be LIVING, engaged and I am just not or not nearly to even a small part of my ability. I think I am sensing in (some) people a healthier core than I have. I don't say this lightly or easily. I have been seeing it and noting it more and more and feeling so bad that here I am, with literally the best life of almost anyone I know and not enjoying my life other than sitting around and not worrying if I can pay the bills.

Don't get me wrong. I am fiercely proud of my accomplishments and am entirely self made with the lack of most education and set out on a mission when younger to find myself, to provide for my family and friends and I did it. I have interests and a perfect damn life. But here I am. Head in hand.

No, this is not all about encountering a BPD parter.

But it's the single biggest piece and I learned the lesson I am sure I needed and knew completely on an almost 'animal' level before we actually met.

I had my choice and have no one to blame but myself.

In the end, I'd rather have it no other way.

If I broke it. I can fix it. And I will.

[Hurt llama]

Well, after this post, I went out and had a really great nice day.

I received a text from a very attractive and super cool woman I have dated a few times in the last two years.

I sorta didn't feel like jumping right into bed and rather than meet her as I usually would in a bar or restaurant, I decided to see if she was available after work just to get together and hang out and talk (like normal people do ).

I went down near her work and we met and sat in a park under a cherry blossom tree, held hands and made out like teenagers and shared stories.

It's the first time I have been with her and not slept with her. We had a powerful connection when we met (gee and she's not even BPD or NPD.

She has two young children and doesn't have all that much time other than during the week. There are no demands on me and I am excited to have reconnected with her.

Talk about a positive experience!

Boy, I think I could get used to this. It doesn't get better and glad we got to talk and not just hop into bed.

That's the plan for next time.