Hello again... Divorce final and settled. Long story...

[1stand10]

Hello all.

I’ve been away since December because the emotional strain was just too much.  Everyone here gave great advice but the problem was that NONE of it worked in my case.  I just couldn’t bear to log on anymore because I became frustrated with everthing.

The last time I posted was the post contempt of court trial in Dec 2012.  The judge threw out every charge I had against her.  The only thing he did grant me was an additional mandatory mediation to alleviate the over general custody order we had in favor of a more detailed one. 

We went to mediation on Jan 7 and we accomplished very little with the mediator taking more notes on disagreements for the court.  We left that day without an agreement but made another appointment to continue the next week.  Meanwhile my S16 went to visit is uBPDmother in Florida on December 29 and returned Jan 12.  I noticed that he was different in that he didn’t want to talk to me or interact with me.  I just wrote it off thinking that he needed to get the funk off of himself.  The next week I walk into mediation and the ex dropped a bomb.  She said that S16 emailed her attorney asking him to file for custody because he had to get away from me and my abuse!  I went home and asked S16 and he confirmed and called me every name in the book.  He said that the only reason I kept him around was to get a shot at getting custody of D10.  He also called me a verbal abuser.  I was so confused.  A few days later I was served with custody papers. 

During this time, I still didn’t have an L so I just focused on S16.  The clinic on base reviewed S16’s medical and mental health records and thankfully the psychologist there recognized that there may be emotional and psychological abuse so she called me for an interview with S16.  After she interviewed him for an hour, she called me in.  She said that S16 did not admit to anything, such as cutting his wrist or that his mother yelled at him and his sister and she didn’t withhold his medication when he visited.  She said he shows all the classic signs of abuse but since he didn’t say it himself that the case would probably not be substantiated during review.  But she did show him the abuse cycle wheel and he said he was on it because of his mother.  Too bad that didn’t count.  I also kept him in psychological and psychiatric counseling.  When he told his psychiatrist that he was going to live with his mother and that I abuse him, the psychiatrist called me in and quit on the spot.  He told us that after everything S16 has reported about his mother and now S16 wanted to go live with her, he couldn’t with any good conscience provide care for S16.  He told S16 that his mother deceived him and is trying to destroy the relationship between me and him.  So the P said to find another P because he won’t treat anyone who blatantly has total disregard for medical and psychiatric advice adding that this was an intentional decision. 

Then I kept regular appointments with S16’s psychologist.  When the psychologist heard of this, he was shocked.  He got out his notes and read the major setbacks that S16 had.  Then he told S16 that his mother was the sole source of the setbacks including cutting his wrist.  It took 4 or 5 sessions but S16 started to get it and then eventually changed his mind to remain living with me.  During this time I was preparing for trial.  I called uBPDex’s L and tried to talk with him especially since he violated family code by filing a motion before he conferred with me.  Her L basically said, my way or the highway and he wanted 5k in attorney fees.  About a week later I got a very shocking email from the ex.  24 hours before court and he still hadn’t served me with her income and expense declaration and banking documents.

The day of court I met with her L 5 min before court and he asked if S16 was going to be present to talk to the judge to say he wants to live in Florida.  I told him that I didn’t receive the income declaration and I had a letter from S16’s P warning the court that S16 would slip further into depression if he went to live with his mother.  The L didn’t care.  So we went in before the judge and the ex’s attorney just said that he wanted S16 to talk to the judge and that he wanted 5k in attorney fees, $2,500 today and $2,500 over three months.  Then I made my argument.  I said that this was a prime example on how upbdex is trying to sabotage my relationship with the children.  I described how she lied in her custody motion about S16 skipping a grade to catch up in high school.  Then I provided a letter from the school in Florida showing he would be further behind than he is now.  Then I showed the psychologist’s letter and explained how this was an attack on me using S16 and having D10 back her up.  I specifically asked for a full custody evaluation stating that this is further evidence that the ex will not quit about anything and this was no out of the hands of the court and we needed an expert in psychology to decipher this whole situation.  This whole time the ex’s L was hitting his fists on the desk and screaming “OBJECTION!” over and over but I just kept talking.  Then the judge told him that this is not sworn testimony and this is my time and I’m providing evidence to the court.  What? The judge stuck up for me?  Then the judge wanted to talk to S16.  They were in there for about 15 minutes and they were done.  The judge said that S16 apologized for the confusion but he wanted to remain living with me in CA.

After that, ex’s L said that he wanted the judge to rule on attorney fees.  Then I went on about attorney fees saying that I’ve been in pro per for a year and the ex had no right to an attorney meaning that her rights are not violated by her not having representation.  The judge mentioned that she was disadvantaged because she lived out of state.  Then I said, “Your Honor, she chose to move out of state rather than live here until this matter was settled.  I’m the one who’s disadvantaged under family code because I have not had an attorney.”  He agreed!  Then ex’s L listed off how much my attorney fees were and stated that there was too much inequity and that his client hasn’t paid him in months because she is a single mother with a part time job.  Then I said she lives in a 3500 sq ft mansion, drives a Lexus, bought the kids Ipads for Christmas and took them to Disney for a week after Christmas.  Then I mentioned the headphones from the last hearing.  I said, “Your honor, uBPDex made an impulse purchase of Bose Stereo earphones last year before trial but said she couldn’t afford to come here.  I bet Mr. L here would have loved to get $154 in attorney fees.”  Her L just put his head down on the desk and kept saying, “This is unbelievable…” over and over alternating with hitting his fist on the desk.  He was so frustrated with the judge.

Then I brought up that Mr. L didn’t serve the income and expense declaration to me according to the local rules of court and that the declaration was incorrect in that the ex’s income didn’t list the free rent, utilities, cable and car payment but she listed those as she pays them which she testified in court previously that she gets these for free.  So I asked that ex be held in contempt because on line 19 it said that she swore under declaration of perjury that her income and expense declaration was true.  Then I asked that the court sanction ex’s L because he didn’t confer with me prior to filing a motion and that it was his responsibility to make sure the income declarations were accurate and served properly and that it would be wrong for the court to award any attorney fees based upon a falsified income and expense declaration.  The instant when I finished, ex’s L told the judge that he withdraws the entire motion!  So the judge set a trial date for Apr 5 to divide property.

Then around March 15, I got a shocking email from the ex.  It said that she got kicked out of her boyfriend’s house because he couldn’t support her anymore.  She said that her boyfriend racked up tremendous credit card debt because I won’t pay the full amount of child and spouse support.  Because of that she has to move out and get an apartment and won’t have any furniture.  But she got to keep two beds and the Lexus but couldn’t support her and D10 anymore and needed more support money.

Fast forward to the first week of April.  I retained an attorney and when he tried to contact ex’s L on the first of April, he found out that he quit on March 29th!  So the ex flew out here for trial and met with my L the evening before.  He worked out a settlement with her!  The next day right before court, she approached my L saying that she no longer agreed.  So we went before the judge and my L said, “Your honor, we had a settlement agreement last night but Ms. 1st and 10 just backed out!  This absolutely shocked me because I worked with my client to get him out of his comfort zone to make this happen.  So Your Honor, I need to run to my office to get my exhibits so we can go to trial.”  Upbdex just stood there and cried, “Your honor, I have nothing, no papers, or anything.  How can I go to trial?”  The judge said, “That’s what we’re here to do, we will have the trial after lunch.  Mr. Attorney, please try to talk to the ex one more time before you leave.”  When we walked outside my L turned to her and said very firmly, “ What the F#@k are you doing?  Don’t you ever f#@k me over like that again in front of the judge.  I’m gonna bury you for backing out of this agreement and I am going to seek everything I can and not throw you a f#@king bone ever again!”  Her face was filled with terror.  She said she needed more money because she had to rent an apartment.  He told her to look at me and said, “Quit being so selfish! That man right there has a child to support too!  Did that ever cross your f#@king mind?”  Then she quietly said that she would agree to the same settlement.

We went in and my L read off the terms of the agreement.  Spouse support to be paid $200 per month guaranteed without adjustment over the calculated amount in exchange for support ending in 60 months or until she cohabitates or gets married.  The ex gets 25 percent of the marital share of the military retirement in exchange for 100% of $15k in an investment account.  I took the 60% of the debt because I got the entire household.  Child support was as calculated because I wasn’t going to fight over that.  In my opinion, I came out way ahead in that spouse support in California will end in 5 years or less and I keep 75% of my retirement.

Sorry so long…

[Forward2free]

Congratulations! You made some tough choices and put up with so much. I am so happy that things have been settled and you can get on with moving on!

[livednlearned]

What happens with D10? She stays in Florida?

[seeking balance]

wow - you must be exhausted!

Kudos to you for sticking to the facts and being reasonable... .   I am glad the court finally came through for you and your son.

Peace,

SB

[rogerroger]

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find some time to enjoy some well-deserved R&R after all that!

[GaGrl]

You've done an amazing job working through this divorce, with the challenges it presented... .   and cross-country issues also!  You should be proud of your accomplishments for you and your children.

I have to wonder how much of the reason she had to get an apartment was the BF's inability to support her anymore.  Hmmmmmmm... .  

So now she has to get a job?

[AnotherPhoenix]

Congratulations!

You have stayed in there and overcome a lot!

AnotherPheonix    

[1stand10]

Thanks for the replies.

Going through this mess really burned me out.  But I stayed focused and when I look back, I think I did okay.  Although the judge didn't follow the law in numerous circumstances, I learned a lot about the law and I stuck to it and didn't deviate from that.  That is what was most frustrating, the judge not following the law.  I actually won on two BIG things, getting minor's counsel removed and only having to pay $2500 for ex's attorney fees.  But I realize that I kept losing the most important battle, which was custody of D10.

Yes, D10 stays in Florida but she really wants to move to be with me and S16.  BUT, she said, "If I move with you, then who will take care of mom?  She has nobody."  What a profound statement from this girl.  After her visit over spring break, she's calling me about everyother day and we video chat quite a bit too.

As far as updex and her moving out (kicked out) from her boyfriend's?  She got in a fight with him because he ran up so much credit card debt supporting her and she rarely showed up to work.  At first they broke up but D10 says they are still seeing eachother but not living together.  According to my attorney, it's best just to leave this one alone for now.  He said that she will continue to fall and save this for a rainy day because the storm is coming soon. (wow he's got insight on this one) She's on her own, has finite resources and she will burn through them in no time, she doesn't have an attorney and won't be shielded from contempt (which she already has done by claiming D10 on her taxes against the court order) and D10 is saying she wants to live with me.  

Now for the best news... .    After going through that "wanting to live in Florida" fiasco, S16 experienced a 180 turn for the good.  He stood up to his mother by saying he still wanted to live with me which boosted his confidence, he started going back to school on campus, he started playing the guitar and now plays in our church worship band, then we entered a local fitness challenge and he lost 39 pounds! and finally, he is no longer taking anti-depressants!  His self-esteem is through the roof!

Now, about me.  I lost 22 lbs in that fitness challenge and I'm up to running 4.2 miles and hitting the gym 4-5 days a week.  I'm no longer on any meds either.  Finally, I've decided to retire from the Air Force and move back home to Texas.  I'm looking for a job now so wish me luck.

[livednlearned]

She's on her own, has finite resources and she will burn through them in no time, she doesn't have an attorney and won't be shielded from contempt (which she already has done by claiming D10 on her taxes against the court order)

Not sure that registers as a legitimate reason for contempt -- N/BPDx did that to me last year. I got a note from the IRS saying I could not claim S11 because someone else already did that. So I filled out some form and sent a copy of my divorce decree, and it all got sorted out.

Now for the best news... .    After going through that "wanting to live in Florida" fiasco, S16 experienced a 180 turn for the good.  He stood up to his mother by saying he still wanted to live with me which boosted his confidence, he started going back to school on campus, he started playing the guitar and now plays in our church worship band, then we entered a local fitness challenge and he lost 39 pounds! and finally, he is no longer taking anti-depressants!  His self-esteem is through the roof!

That made me emotional -- seeing our kids do better when they're getting the right kind of support is huge! It's why we do this. Congratulations to you -- your case is like no one else's (currently) on here that I can think of. The court stuff has been mind-boggling, and I'm so glad things are turning around for you and S16.

Now, about me.  I lost 22 lbs in that fitness challenge and I'm up to running 4.2 miles and hitting the gym 4-5 days a week.  I'm no longer on any meds either.  Finally, I've decided to retire from the Air Force and move back home to Texas.  I'm looking for a job now so wish me luck.

That's great   Hope you let us know how things work out. Sounds like D10 might be staying in Florida, and may have some big issues to work through in the years ahead, but she'll have you to lean on when things get challenging.


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[DreamGirl]

I am so happy to read this outcome this morning!

I am so glad that you and your son are doing so well.

-DG

[Matt]

Wow - congratulations and thanks for giving us this update.

If you can continue to talk often with your daughter, and support her, in time things may go better about her.

[Her Mama]

I'm so glad that most of this is now behind you.  Wonderful news about you and your son's activities together and personal accomplishments.  I hope that everything continues to work in your families favor.   

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Very glad to read your long story, and that you have done so well.

[momtara]

Good!

Shows that having a good lawyer is good too.  Although his approach may not work in every situation, it worked in yours.

[catnap]

Yahoo 1stand10!