Silence treatment: I am confused

[minaccia]

Dear all,

my uBPDexgf broke up with me roughly 11 months ago via email  after 4 years together.

I tried in any possible way to get back with her and, after having realized that there was no hope, to at least end our relationship in good terms.

As we all know, it is basically impossible to get proper closure or to have some sort of adult conversion when BPD hangs around: and that is exactly what happened to me in the form of Silence treatment.

In the past months I tried to text her any now and then, and I wrote her 2 or 3 emails: at the beginning, since I was still emotionally wounded, the content of my texts was more emotional, lately it has been more and more detached. She replied a couple of times with anger, but most of the times silence was her answer.

Yesterday something  that is seriously shocking me has happened.

She lives in Boston 2 blocks away from where the explosions took place (I am currently living in Europe), and I tried to contact her and her mother (who does not live in Boston) to check if they were ok. None of them replied.

We don't have friends in common who live there (she basically had no friends) so I have been spending the last few hours a little bit agitated.

The fact that her phone was ringing, is somehow suggestive that she is ok, but, and this is my question for you, is it possible that her undiagnosed illness is so severe to prevent her to simply text me back with " I am ok" after 2 bombs exploded 2 blocks away from her house?

Also is it possible that she painted me so black, that also her mother thinks that is a good idea not to inform me about the health of her daughter?

Any thought you might have is highly welcome.

Thanks.

All my prayers are for those of you who have friends or relatives  in Boston right now.

[HarmKrakow]

this is my question for you, is it possible that her undiagnosed illness is so severe to prevent her to simply text me back with " I am ok" after 2 bombs exploded 2 blocks away from her house?

Also is it possible that she painted me so black, that also her mother thinks that is a good idea not to inform me about the health of her daughter?

Any thought you might have is highly welcome.

Thanks.

All my prayers are for those of you who have friends or relatives  in Boston right now.

Mate, first of all, you are not together anymore for over 11 months. So why should a mother inform you about the health of her daughter? No reason ... .

You are mixing up a lot of things at the moment. Why do you still want contact with her? I don't get why she would text you with " I'm ok " ? Like seriously, I really don't get why she should text you with i'm okay.

You know as well as I do that someone with BPD has no form of attachment to people like we do. We care, they don't. She has moved on, new life, new people, no more minaccia.

See it from the other perspective, what if, what if she DID care? That would have meant that you would have gotten your closure, the break up of your r/s would have not been so severe, you would have been able to move on better and therefore not be on this board

[laelle]

I agree for the most part with Harm here. Its opening up old wounds and there is no need for it.

The relationship is over period.  Continuing to try to contact her is unfair for you and her.

Work on what is making you stuck.  You took the opportunity of her living in Boston in hopes that she would answer in the midst of a crisis.

You are now sad that she did not validate you.  She did nothing wrong other than to move on with her life.  Yeah, she is probably doing her same old BPD stuff, but that is not your problem.

[minaccia]

this is my question for you, is it possible that her undiagnosed illness is so severe to prevent her to simply text me back with " I am ok" after 2 bombs exploded 2 blocks away from her house?

Also is it possible that she painted me so black, that also her mother thinks that is a good idea not to inform me about the health of her daughter?

Any thought you might have is highly welcome.

Thanks.

All my prayers are for those of you who have friends or relatives  in Boston right now.

Mate, first of all, you are not together anymore for over 11 months. So why should a mother inform you about the health of her daughter? No reason ... .

You are mixing up a lot of things at the moment. Why do you still want contact with her? I don't get why she would text you with " I'm ok " ? Like seriously, I really don't get why she should text you with i'm okay.

You know as well as I do that someone with BPD has no form of attachment to people like we do. We care, they don't. She has moved on, new life, new people, no more minaccia.

See it from the other perspective, what if, what if she DID care? That would have meant that you would have gotten your closure, the break up of your r/s would have not been so severe, you would have been able to move on better and therefore not be on this board

harmkrakow,

thanks for replying.

I don't know if I understand your point completely. Just to clarify: do you think that it was inappropriate for me to ask her and her mother if my ex was safe after what happeend yesterday, because 11 months already passed since our breakup?

Or do you think that it is inappropriate for me, with the knowledge I have about BPD, to expect some sort of answer on their side?

It turns out that I asked the very same question (" Is everything ok?" to many friends of mine who still live there, and to a couple of other ex girlfriends and all of them, replied in a matter of minutes, thanking me to checking on them.

Regarding the why I still want contact: I honestly think that I am almost fully detached. Sometimes I have some pauses and I think that it is a pity not to have had a final conversation with her. The reason is that 19 years ago I lost my father after many months of not talking, and somehow I still carry the weight of having lost someone without having tried everything possible to re-establish some sort of communication. Since that episode, I promised myself that I would have done my best to avoid misunderstandings and to avoid leaving things up in the air with other people. That's, I guess, why I tried very hard (and probably too hard) to clarify our positions with my ex. And clearly, yesterday's events in Boston, connected with the fact that my ex could have been wounded or worse, reminded me of how I felt with my dad 19 years ago.

[minaccia]

I agree for the most part with Harm here. Its opening up old wounds and there is no need for it.

The relationship is over period.  Continuing to try to contact her is unfair for you and her.

Work on what is making you stuck.  You took the opportunity of her living in Boston in hopes that she would answer in the midst of a crisis.

You are now sad that she did not validate you.  She did nothing wrong other than to move on with her life.  Yeah, she is probably doing her same old BPD stuff, but that is not your problem.

Laelle, thank you.

I clearly asked myself yesterday, before contacting her, if I was "using" the accident as an excuse for contacting her. It took me 2 hours of self questioning, and the answer was NO. I was just worried.

And this morning, after I woke up, I noticed that many friends of mine, most of my colleagues, my therapist (!) and also the barista of my coffee place all asked me if I had news about her and were all surprised (therapist excluded) that I did not.

So probably, what I was really asking, is if I can interpret this circumstance as a further indication of the dysfunctional behavior of my ex, or not.

thanks

[HarmKrakow]

this is my question for you, is it possible that her undiagnosed illness is so severe to prevent her to simply text me back with " I am ok" after 2 bombs exploded 2 blocks away from her house?

Also is it possible that she painted me so black, that also her mother thinks that is a good idea not to inform me about the health of her daughter?

Any thought you might have is highly welcome.

Thanks.

All my prayers are for those of you who have friends or relatives  in Boston right now.

Mate, first of all, you are not together anymore for over 11 months. So why should a mother inform you about the health of her daughter? No reason ... .

You are mixing up a lot of things at the moment. Why do you still want contact with her? I don't get why she would text you with " I'm ok " ? Like seriously, I really don't get why she should text you with i'm okay.

You know as well as I do that someone with BPD has no form of attachment to people like we do. We care, they don't. She has moved on, new life, new people, no more minaccia.

See it from the other perspective, what if, what if she DID care? That would have meant that you would have gotten your closure, the break up of your r/s would have not been so severe, you would have been able to move on better and therefore not be on this board

harmkrakow,

thanks for replying.

I don't know if I understand your point completely. Just to clarify: do you think that it was inappropriate for me to ask her and her mother if my ex was safe after what happeend yesterday, because 11 months already passed since our breakup?

Or do you think that it is inappropriate for me, with the knowledge I have about BPD, to expect some sort of answer on their side?

It turns out that I asked the very same question (" Is everything ok?" to many friends of mine who still live there, and to a couple of other ex girlfriends and all of them, replied in a matter of minutes, thanking me to checking on them.

Regarding the why I still want contact: I honestly think that I am almost fully detached. Sometimes I have some pauses and I think that it is a pity not to have had a final conversation with her. The reason is that 19 years ago I lost my father after many months of not talking, and somehow I still carry the weight of having lost someone without having tried everything possible to re-establish some sort of communication. Since that episode, I promised myself that I would have done my best to avoid misunderstandings and to avoid leaving things up in the air with other people. That's, I guess, why I tried very hard (and probably too hard) to clarify our positions with my ex. And clearly, yesterday's events in Boston, connected with the fact that my ex could have been wounded or worse, reminded me of how I felt with my dad 19 years ago.

It wasn't inappropriate, it was pointless. You share no bond with that person (mother). You shared(!) yes ... . shared, not share. Thats 180 degrees difference. She (gf) isn't your friend anymore. The ex-gf's replied? Fine, they didn't have BPD .

I think you used it as a argument to contact her. Why? Because you thought about it for 2(!) hours.

[causticdork]

Word around here is that a lot of cell phone service was disrupted after the bombs went off in order to prevent remote detonation of any additional explosives.  I don't know how true that is or if it applies here, but it's a possibility.  Either way, don't worry about it so much.  You asked, if she chooses not to respond then that's her decision.

[LosingIt2]

I don't get all the judgement going on towards minaccia. I think some of us here are so tainted by the lack of common decency expressed by our BPD SOs that our own version of realty is equally as disordered.

minaccia, I think that was a fine move and if you were concerned... .   then good for you. You're a good person. If you don't want to continue through life with a huge chip on your should I would not shoot you down for it. I'm not going to read into your motives. In my opinion, 11 months is a long enough time to have allowed some of those old wounds to have healed. If it is her disorder/immaturity to not respond, then you know all the more what kind of person you are dealing with. As for her mother, her lack of a response is out of the norm as well. I know any one of my family members would respond to an ex of mine, at the very least courteously, if they reached out in such a way. 

[HarmKrakow]

I don't get all the judgement going on towards minaccia. I think some of us here are so tainted by the lack of common decency expressed by our BPD SOs that our own version of realty is equally as disordered.

minaccia, I think that was a fine move and if you were concerned... .   then good for you. You're a good person. If you don't want to continue through life with a huge chip on your should I would not shoot you down for it. I'm not going to read into your motives. In my opinion, 11 months is a long enough time to have allowed some of those old wounds to have healed. If it is her disorder/immaturity to not respond, then you know all the more what kind of person you are dealing with. As for her mother, her lack of a response is out of the norm as well. I know any one of my family members would respond to an ex of mine, at the very least courteously, if they reached out in such a way. 

I disagree.

BPD's don't have common decency (yes yes, I know sometimes they do, but their brains are different than ours). Meaning, in general they don't. Why do BPDers have BPD? Because of their FOO, right, their family(!) Meaning, dad/mother, upbringing etc.

Would you therefore expect someone with borderline, their parents or anyone to react? No. You wouldn't.

[minaccia]

I disagree.

BPD's don't have common decency (yes yes, I know sometimes they do, but their brains are different than ours). Meaning, in general they don't. Why do BPDers have BPD? Because of their FOO, right, their family(!) Meaning, dad/mother, upbringing etc.

Would you therefore expect someone with borderline, their parents or anyone to react? No. You wouldn't. [/quote]
Harm, I understand your point, I really do.

But I think my reasoning is a little nit different.

At some point during our recovery from a disruptive r/s we reach a point in which we realize that we need to divert the energies we used to spend for our ex's towards ourself, right?

At least for me that was the (apparently) simple thought mechanism that allowed me to detach from all the confusion, the ruminating etc... .

Basically I had to re-learn how to adjust the focus of my thoughts and of my actions towards me in a healthy way.

That allowed me to re-gain some self confidence, to re-trust my core values, to re-build my boundaries.

Now, back to the point, when I heard of what had happened in Boston, I got worried about the many friends of mine who lived there and about her. And in all honesty, the fact that a few times I had been myself cheering runners in the proximity of the finish line of the Boston marathon, and that I had been living in the building in front of the second explosion for two years, made the experience for  more dramatic for me.

So, I had two options in front of me: 1) don't text her 2) text her ( and her mother since I knew that cellphones were on and off in Boston)

After some thinking and self questioning, my understanding of the situation was the following. If I did not text her, I would have implicitly let her once again manipulate my core values. My instinct, my guts, my values, my inner voice, were clearly suggesting that I was worried about her exactly as I was worried about my other friends.

So, probably in a weird way, texting her was more about me, my values and my true concerns, then about her. In other words, not texting her would have been equal to violating who I am.

Yes, it took me almost two hours to fully understand what was going on inside of me, I am taking my recovery very seriously and sometimes I need to calm down and slowly process what I am doing, because the last thing I want for myself is to go back where I as few months ago.

And to tell the truth, the question in my first post, was not about the legitimacy of my concerns, but about the type of inference I was allowed to make from the fact that I did not receive any response from her and her mother. Even if my goal is not to diagnose my ex (this is pointless to me), still, sharing with you this circumstance and possibly identifying it, together with you guys and your experience, with a BPD trait, could have been a further indication of how messed up my life could have been if I was still emotionally attached to her.

[HarmKrakow]

I disagree.

BPD's don't have common decency (yes yes, I know sometimes they do, but their brains are different than ours). Meaning, in general they don't. Why do BPDers have BPD? Because of their FOO, right, their family(!) Meaning, dad/mother, upbringing etc.

Would you therefore expect someone with borderline, their parents or anyone to react? No. You wouldn't.

Harm, I understand your point, I really do.

But I think my reasoning is a little nit different.

At some point during our recovery from a disruptive r/s we reach a point in which we realize that we need to divert the energies we used to spend for our ex's towards ourself, right?

At least for me that was the (apparently) simple thought mechanism that allowed me to detach from all the confusion, the ruminating etc... .

Basically I had to re-learn how to adjust the focus of my thoughts and of my actions towards me in a healthy way.

That allowed me to re-gain some self confidence, to re-trust my core values, to re-build my boundaries.

Now, back to the point, when I heard of what had happened in Boston, I got worried about the many friends of mine who lived there and about her. And in all honesty, the fact that a few times I had been myself cheering runners in the proximity of the finish line of the Boston marathon, and that I had been living in the building in front of the second explosion for two years, made the experience for  more dramatic for me.

So, I had two options in front of me: 1) don't text her 2) text her ( and her mother since I knew that cellphones were on and off in Boston)

After some thinking and self questioning, my understanding of the situation was the following. If I did not text her, I would have implicitly let her once again manipulate my core values. My instinct, my guts, my values, my inner voice, were clearly suggesting that I was worried about her exactly as I was worried about my other friends.

So, probably in a weird way, texting her was more about me, my values and my true concerns, then about her. In other words, not texting her would have been equal to violating who I am.

Yes, it took me almost two hours to fully understand what was going on inside of me, I am taking my recovery very seriously and sometimes I need to calm down and slowly process what I am doing, because the last thing I want for myself is to go back where I as few months ago.

And to tell the truth, the question in my first post, was not about the legitimacy of my concerns, but about the type of inference I was allowed to make from the fact that I did not receive any response from her and her mother. Even if my goal is not to diagnose my ex (this is pointless to me), still, sharing with you this circumstance and possibly identifying it, together with you guys and your experience, with a BPD trait, could have been a further indication of how messed up my life could have been if I was still emotionally attached to her.

True I mean, knowing she suffers from (possible) BPD would mean she wouldn't give a rats' ass about you anymore. BPD is brought up due to the family standard and therefore making 1+1 = 2 and logically daughter and sister don't reply to you.

However, the fact that it doesn't affect you, or atleast not that much gives you the knowledge that you have processed stuff. Made steps. Good steps!

Oh, thumbs up on the slow recovery. I'm doing literally the same. Although I might seem blunt, I quit literally everything around me and went away, to process it exactly in my pace until I deem myself 'fit' again for continuining my career.

[Louise7777]

Minaccia, you mentioned you are healing and focusing on you... .   Well, you spent 2 hours thinking if you should text or not... .   Doesnt look like moving on to me.

From what I have learnt from this website, the lesson is: focus on YOU. Yeah, we know abt core values and you being a nice person and worrying and so on... .   BUUUUT, care for people who care about you. My question is: why are we stuck after months/ years of NC?

I agree with Harmkrakow on everything, except the parents part: BPDs can have very normal/ caring/ loving parents and family... .   I know that from experience.

[minaccia]

Minaccia, you mentioned you are healing and focusing on you... .   Well, you spent 2 hours thinking if you should text or not... .   Doesnt look like moving on to me.

From what I have learnt from this website, the lesson is: focus on YOU. Yeah, we know abt core values and you being a nice person and worrying and so on... .   BUUUUT, care for people who care about you. My question is: why are we stuck after months/ years of NC?

I agree with Harmkrakow on everything, except the parents part: BPDs can have very normal/ caring/ loving parents and family... .   I know that from experience.

guys, maybe you know better, and sooner or later I will find out.

What I know is that in the past few months  I needed a lot of self analysis when something triggering me was happening.

What happened the other day definitely touched some soft points, and my reaction was to lay down, to listen to some classic music, to eat some fruits, to do some stretching and to listen to my self. And I took all the time I needed to figure out what I wanted to do. I guess that is my personal approach to manage stressful episodes right now, maybe there are better approaches but this what seems to work for me... .

Maybe it is not moving on... . well it depends on what do we mean with moving on.

My view is that I want to move on as I moved on other times in my life. That is, on my side I want to reach a point in which whatever she does with her life does not affect mine in any meaningful way. I want to be mildly happy if she manages to have a good life, I want to be mildly sorry if she doesn't, I want to be indifferent if I will never know anything about her. To me, moving on, does not mean to behave in a way similar to the way she does (black/white), but it means to behave in the way that is right for me and to be absolutely ok with it.

In the specific case, for me it is right to find out if a person with whom you spent 4 years is safe after two bombs exploded 2 blocks away from her house. If we had common friends, I probably would have asked them and not her directly. But I did not have that option.

In the opposite scenario (i.e. if two bombs exploded to blocks away from my house), I would expect her not to contact me or my mother or anybody.

Seriously, do we need to replicate BPDish behaviors ourselves to move on from a r/s with BPD?

Or should we  just learn how to be ourselves again, to love ourselves again, understand why did we get stuck with them for way too long, and make sure that we grow in a way that no other similar occurrences affect our lives again?

Yes, hopefully if the same situation happened a couple of months down the road, probably I would not have needed 2 hours to figure out what I wanted to do, but as I said, I am not yet fully recovered, I am in the transition, and for my safety I want to take all the time I need during stressful situations.

Finally, on the part in which you say that we should care only about those who care about us.

There is care and care, I believe.

One thing is if I texted her "good morning", "good night", "how's your day?" (and you would be absolutely right!), one thing is to text "are you ok?" after two bombs.

[Clearmind]

Mina, firstly I can understand you wanting I see if she is ok. Just because our relationships fell apart in spectacular fashion that we stop caring. We may fall out of love and we may move past the point of wanting to reconcile - however - when there is a global event like Boston it's natural to want to reach out.

Whatever your motives my friend they are honourable - unfortunately your ex does not see things like you do.

If the relationship parted on healthy terms I would imagine you would have heard back from her. It didn't and she harbours some deep seated fears about "going back". Her shame lies back there and she tries her best to mask it.

Her mum may be protecting her daughter.

We don't know!

Mina, how are getting on with life right now? Friends, family, support network all good? Work/Play?

[minaccia]

Mina, firstly I can understand you wanting I see if she is ok. Just because our relationships fell apart in spectacular fashion that we stop caring. We may fall out of love and we may move past the point of wanting to reconcile - however - when there is a global event like Boston it's natural to want to reach out.

Whatever your motives my friend they are honourable - unfortunately your ex does not see things like you do.

If the relationship parted on healthy terms I would imagine you would have heard back from her. It didn't and she harbours some deep seated fears about "going back". Her shame lies back there and she tries her best to mask it.

Her mum may be protecting her daughter.

We don't know!

Mina, how are getting on with life right now? Friends, family, support network all good? Work/Play?

Yes, I have to say that I am doing way better. I started to go running, and I am taking classes to learn how to play curling (yes, not the most popular sport but it's a lot of fun). In a couple of weeks I am going to pick up my tennis racket again and play with a friend of mine. I am going out at night and I made some new friends on top of those I already had. I have heavily reduced the intake of alcohol and nicotine, I go every week to my T and next week I will my first session of EMDR with her.

I go every weekend to the stadium to support my soccer team with some friends of mine and have attended to many art/interior design exhibits.

My productivity at work is not yet 100% but it is getting better.

As to my family, still I am distancing a bit from my mom, as she is very worried about me and her worries have the effect of making me feel guilty and anxious. I tried to explain her what I was going through, but I don't think she understood, as she always says sentences like " we all went through break ups and we never made a tragedy like you do". I know she means well, but those are not the type of sentences that are going to help me. 

I still have not started dating, flirting etc... .   because I think I am not ready yet. Hopefully that will change too at some point.

Thanks for asking.

[Clearmind]

Awesome Mina - you are making strides and that is what it takes to move forward.

As for Mum - some of our loved ones don't know how to cope when we are sad. I know my parents didn't. I was perceived to be the strong one - Clearmind cannot fall over now, we need her! - Its OK to advise them what you do need. I did the same.

All the best to you and wonderful news that you are looking after yourself.