A couple of rough days and confusion

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Almost 4 months since the unfriendly breakup from the 10 year-r/s. Since then a lot has happened that felt like an emotional rollercoaster.

But it wasn't only an emotional one: also a lot of practical issues had to be solved, from housing to get new furniture.

The past few weeks I got settled and bit by bit started feeling better. Even the mails from my stbxw weren't getting me very upset (just a bit).

Past few days I felt like I collapsed. Very very tired, feeling ill, didn't want to do anything, besides lying in bed or on the couch. A big contrast to the past months were I was running from work, to friends, to things that should be done, to things that are fun to do. Last weekend was one of the fun-category.

But sunday-evening I came at home, feeling terrible. I had very nice days, but it didn't feel allright. I started crying and asked myself why to bother.

Two days later I recognize some strangeness in this: I had a good weekend, but ended depressed? I don't understand that one.

Right now I'm still not happy, but mostly that has to do with not being able to close the r/s: we're in divorce, but all things still must be arranged. She isn't wanting to give in an inch and therefore everything is going through legal representation: a lot of costs and a very unsure outcome. Besides this uncertainty I also have troubles with the unfairness of this all.

I'm the one that left the house, after she attacked me. I'm the one that works. I'm the one that has to suffer. I want to live again!

Despite these feelings I was surprised by some thoughts half an hour ago, while reading these boards. It litteraly was: "I now understand a whole lot more about her and her illness. If only we could try again, it would be better". At that point if she called, I would have gone to her, BUT: I realize things are over and must be over. I really don't want to get back in that kind of relationship, with that kind of woman, doing to me what she has done for the last decade. Like I said: I want to live.

Please help me to get some insights:

- Why is a good weekend ending with depressed feelings?

- How can I live with uncertainties (which are a big threath to my future)?

- Why would I even think/hope about her contacting me and getting back together, while I'm sure that (1) it will not happen and (2) I really don't want it to happen.

[VeryFree]

Almost 4 months since the unfriendly breakup from the 10 year-r/s. Since then a lot has happened that felt like an emotional rollercoaster.

But it wasn't only an emotional one: also a lot of practical issues had to be solved, from housing to get new furniture.

The past few weeks I got settled and bit by bit started feeling better. Even the mails from my stbxw weren't getting me very upset (just a bit).

Past few days I felt like I collapsed. Very very tired, feeling ill, didn't want to do anything, besides lying in bed or on the couch. A big contrast to the past months were I was running from work, to friends, to things that should be done, to things that are fun to do. Last weekend was one of the fun-category.

But sunday-evening I came at home, feeling terrible. I had very nice days, but it didn't feel allright. I started crying and asked myself why to bother.

Two days later I recognize some strangeness in this: I had a good weekend, but ended depressed? I don't understand that one.

Right now I'm still not happy, but mostly that has to do with not being able to close the r/s: we're in divorce, but all things still must be arranged. She isn't wanting to give in an inch and therefore everything is going through legal representation: a lot of costs and a very unsure outcome. Besides this uncertainty I also have troubles with the unfairness of this all.

I'm the one that left the house, after she attacked me. I'm the one that works. I'm the one that has to suffer. I want to live again!

Despite these feelings I was surprised by some thoughts half an hour ago, while reading these boards. It litteraly was: "I now understand a whole lot more about her and her illness. If only we could try again, it would be better". At that point if she called, I would have gone to her, BUT: I realize things are over and must be over. I really don't want to get back in that kind of relationship, with that kind of woman, doing to me what she has done for the last decade. Like I said: I want to live.

Please help me to get some insights:

- Why is a good weekend ending with depressed feelings?

- How can I live with uncertainties (which are a big threath to my future)?

- Why would I even think/hope about her contacting me and getting back together, while I'm sure that (1) it will not happen and (2) I really don't want it to happen.

[hithere]

Please help me to get some insights:

- Why is a good weekend ending with depressed feelings?

Because overall you are still under a lot of stress with some big uncertainties that you will be dealing with for a long-time, as you have more good days and weekends these negative feelings will decrease until you are back to living fully!

- How can I live with uncertainties (which are a big threath to my future)?

We all live with these type of things, you are in a state of change right now so there will be more uncertainty than normal.  It is stressful, look to friends, family and take care of yourself, try to eat right, get a lot of sleep and exercise, doing these things will help you cope with the extra stress.

- Why would I even think/hope about her contacting me and getting back together, while I'm sure that (1) it will not happen and (2) I really don't want it to happen.

It is all part of the process of getting over a BPD relationship.  It is part addiction, part dreaming they will/could be better.  I remember when I left I knew for sure I did not have a future with my exBPD but I still checked for her texts and emails regularly and actually looked forward to them.  It is hard to face the end of something we thought was great and real.

[Maryiscontrary]

Nuts and bolts on why you feel this way? Neural pathway remodelling. Losing weight and working out is a lot of torture when you let yourself go. So is behavioral change. You are remodeling many billions of connections, including that of dopamine regulation, which is reward.

It is gonna be ok. Just stick with it.

[sunrising]

- Why would I even think/hope about her contacting me and getting back together, while I'm sure that (1) it will not happen and (2) I really don't want it to happen.

For me, I struggled with this most when I stopped being angry and started feeling sympathy for my ex, because of my new found understanding of BPD.  I actually allowed myself to be involved with a potential recycling attempt because 1) I felt sympathy for her rather than anger towards her and 2) I thought that since I now know there are techniques to better handle a relationship with a pwBPD, I would stand a better chance at making a relationship with my ex work.    

I'll share my feelings on both:

sympathy for her rather than anger- This is just my codependency screaming out:  "How can you shut someone out of your life who is suffering?  It's not her fault she's this way.  You're a bad person if you don't continue to try to take care of her".  aka guilt

I now stand a better chance at making a relationship work- To what end?... .  I would have spent my days focusing on validating her, taking-time-outs, etc and still, no matter how hard I tried, couldn't have made her any healthier.  The only thing that will make her better is a tremendous commitment on her part and years of therapy, if that.  In fact, as I had become her trigger, the most responsible thing I can do for myself and for her is to leave her to work on her own issues, and me on mine.  I have to believe that I deserve relationships which I generally enjoy, not just ones I can "make work"

In the end, I was trying to convince myself that the reality of the situation was something other than it was.  I'm glad this website is called "bpdfamily.com", because every time I see that banner I am reminded how important it is to do just that.  

sunrising

[VeryFree]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts!

Nice to see people thinking along.

[P.F.Change]

Please help me to get some insights:

- Why is a good weekend ending with depressed feelings?

- How can I live with uncertainties (which are a big threath to my future)?

- Why would I even think/hope about her contacting me and getting back together, while I'm sure that (1) it will not happen and (2) I really don't want it to happen.

1)With your ex (or maybe even going back to your FOO), were you allowed to be happy? Do you feel you deserve to feel happy?

2) No one has a certain future. We all have to deal with uncertainty of some kind or another. How can you live without uncertainty?

3)Do you have unmet emotional needs? Maybe your ex seemed to meet them at one time? How can you meet them yourself in other ways? Conversely, what if she will never love you--does that say anything about who you are?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[VeryFree]

1)With your ex (or maybe even going back to your FOO), were you allowed to be happy? Do you feel you deserve to feel happy?

In my FOO I was allowed to be happy. I have issues going back to my FOO. See point 3.

With my ex I was allowed to be happy if and only if she was happy. If it were things that didn't have anything to do with her she would be mad or sad. One time I got a raise at my work. Instead of being happy about it she got mad at me: everything for me was way too easy, while her life was only hard working and no acknowledgement etc. (she was fulltime at home, while I worked 50 hrs a week).

Doing things besides my work and things at home could I only do if she was present.

2) No one has a certain future. We all have to deal with uncertainty of some kind or another. How can you live without uncertainty?

I understand that, but I think it's a different kind of thing if your stbx tries to break you totally.

3)Do you have unmet emotional needs? Maybe your ex seemed to meet them at one time? How can you meet them yourself in other ways? Conversely, what if she will never love you--does that say anything about who you are?

Going back to my FOO I now see that I was growing up in a loving family. My parents trusted me extremely and therefore let me do things my own way. Looking back I think too much. Back then I became a person that allways try to make things work, never asks for help, never asks something for himself and tries to help and comfort others.

First meeting my stbx I found somebody that seemed o fit me totally. Had her own background, because of which I could be myself and help her, but she also seemed to wanna be there for me and do everything for me.

Looking back that was only in the first couple of months. After that it was all about her.

I now realize that in a healhy relationship things should be different. It should be about two persons, not one. In the future I  must realize that I also can have a good time and don't have to be the responsible caring one all the time.

Thanks for 'listening'

Thanks for asking, it helps to clear my mind.

[P.F.Change]

With my ex I was allowed to be happy if and only if she was happy. If it were things that didn't have anything to do with her she would be mad or sad.

Can you see what this might have to do with your question #1?

PF

[VeryFree]

With my ex I was allowed to be happy if and only if she was happy. If it were things that didn't have anything to do with her she would be mad or sad.

Can you see what this might have to do with your question #1?

PF

Interesting question. A good weekend is ending with depressed feelings, because... .  

I've been Pavloved to feel bad after feeling happy?

Hmmm, if that's the case then it should be this way always. Right now I can't say, because I'm in a situation were the ups and downs come quick after each other. The depth after the weekend I was talking about was very deep.

And if that's the case: the only way to learn other behaviour. So I guess: do nice things, feel happy and do not let the negative feelings come after you. When succeeding enough times I should be de-Pavloved. Only question is: how to let the negative feelings stay away?

Does this sound realistic?