This is just a post on how i'm currently detaching on my looney BPD ex girl.
So, there I was, most people know me here by now for seeking some sort of 'guidance' through life as the BPD experience set me back completely on all fields and question my own frikking sanity.
I quit my investment banking job, and started staying at home. I come from a small proud christian family (mother) and strict small business family (father). Failure no option. I'm the only one who went to uni. No brothers, no sisters, father and mother separated when I was 2 and my mother got institutionalized (mental health care). Top of my class at uni, made a name for myself in banking until I met my kooky ex BPD counterpart.
I went ku-ku after all the nasty blackmail, raging, and my confidence was utterly destroyed. I saw no perspective in life anymore and thought she was my only one, couldn't get better than her. I would never ever expect to have better sex than with anyone like her, dating anyone prettier than her or feeling a better connection with someone like her.
I got home after I quit my job, laid in bed and cried and puked for weeks. Thoughts about suicide came to my mind daily (most frequent users remember my posts). One night I took all my sleep pills and liquor and i woke up perfectly fine without a hangover although having left a note.
Remained in therapy and got AD's. But still crying in bed feeling utterly useless.
I feel I lost my best friend, my best buddy, my soulmate, my one right person who would complete my life. I couldn't be more wrong. I literally was so afraid of doing myself harm, that I felt I had to get out, and do something.
Change?I booked an airplane ticket to Eastern Europe (was living in the Netherlands) and sent a few couch surfing requests from (
www.couchsurfing.org) and had myself a place with complete random strangers.
At that time, and that is last week Wednesday. Simply going to the supermarket was already to much. I saw things we shared. I saw couples with kids, I saw stuff we bought and I was like *puke* run home. The move from my crying bed towards a different country with complete strangers was like a lightning shock. I felt stunned.
I was literally piss scared, I had no references on couch surfing meaning no one could verify if I wasn't some sort of BPD monster in disguise. I had a place booked with 3 random strangers. I couldn't find the place, was piss scared, got there 22.30 at night in an alley way in Poland.
They let me in, ice was broken. Drinks on the table and told me, HARM! Tell us your story! Spoke till 2/3 in the morning. Awesome time. That day after, because I was in the same city my ex was in, I felt ~, I realized I was chasing a high, and by being active my emotions haven't caught up to me. On Thursday they did, and my ex sent me some nasty mail and I started crying hysterically in front of these strangers. They went WITH me ... . to the house of my ex (i went to the city where my ex lives, to wipe out the old memories and rewrite them with new ones). And they went with me to show me that I should not have irrational fears of this place. And that I should remember Poland for the greatness of it's people and don't let it ruined by some sick disturbed girl. I cannot tell you how much love and warmth that gave from complete random strangers.
Last friday I met an American investment banker while going for a guided tour to see the Schindlers factory. We hit it off, ended up in a restaurant, ended up in a pub, another pub. We met more strangers, and more talking about life. We met two girls, both had a liking in us individually. Talking for hours. Such an awkward feeling.
I exchanged phone numbers with the girl. We met again on Saturday, great time with our buddies there. Then the American got sick, and the girl and I decided to go for lunch on Sunday. That lunch ended up in a walk. That walk ended up in a boat trip on the river Wisla with the two of us, half an hour later we were hand in hand. Not much later, kissing. 2 hours later at her place. Spent the night there. Loads of talking, me about my ex, her about hers. She had to go back to her parents Monday morning and we walked through the town as a couple in love. Hugged each other for half an hour before she took the bus and she had a little tear.
I walked back to my couch surfers and was like thinking, what the heck just happened. I was here to replace my memories with my old ex with good times with new comrades and all out of a sudden I met this new girl which was 1) more attractive than my ex 2) more fireworks than my ex 3) better in bed than my ex. 4) and walking hands in hands kissing and all like in love teenagers through the city.
What the heck!
I never expected this.
Btw, going through the city, realizing people there only earn like 75 dollar cents the hour. Seeing the deprived rotten state of most places, so depressive. Some photo's I made there.
Point of all this?You feel broken, you want to detach? Don't go keeping yourself busy so you don’t have to think about the past and hopefully months or years later the memories are so far gone that it’s just all forgotten. Because thats what Borderliners do.
FACE IT, head on. FACE IT. Let is smack you in the face. Cry, puke, whatever. GRIEVE. Mourn. But look at YOURSELF!
And couch surfing for me, was the experience of a life time, am I cured? No, do I still feel suicidal, yes I do, but I wouldnt want to have missed this opportunity. You feel lonely? Go couch surf, either host or with some one else. Doesn't matter if your 20/30/40/50/60 years old. I've seen people of all ages here. These people open their doors for you with open arms.
Perspective on lifeAlan WattsI've read a lot about BPD, personality disorders, about the sense of life, read some philosophical books, go to shrinks, doctors, and try mindfulness and all that. However, I am not such a, and I don't mean to cause any offense, but where i'm from that would be considered more in the "tree hugging" field. Pot smoking hippies, etc. So for me, most of that stuff is something which does not help me, and even more just make the situation around a break up of BPD, the uncertainty of was it me, how do I get out of this, only more brittle.
On the other side, you have the utter clueless friends who just mention, 'chin up', make sure you are always busy. Do stuff, go out, go meet people. However the underlying core of all these arguments are meant positively but they don't work. They don't help for detachment. Sticking your head in the sand, not processing or mourning a loss will eventually only haunt you back in a new friendship and relationship. Why? Because that's exactly why BPDers act like the way they do.
So after my break up with my looney BPD ex, I found myself, utterly lost. Self-confidence shattered (
mental abuse, months of bashing on my head that Harm is doing everything wrong), in life (
I thought this is what I wanted), in relationships (
I thought the idealization phase is what I wanted forever and ever), in love (
I thought, this, this BPD relationship, was love, couldn't be more wrong), in friends (
I've lost friends over this r/s) etc. All out of a sudden you are in a black hole. A gap, you feel empty. So utterly empty. What to do? Career didn't feel satisfactory, going out didn't feel satisfactory, life didn't feel satisfactory anymore. Seeing girls felt like, no one can compare to my ex BPD r/s.
And then you are lying in bed, feeling life is so futile. So utterly useless. You feel like you don't matter in this world. So I thought, why continue? All my thoughts about love, relationship, friends, marriage and kids looked like I perceived them to be wrong. Meaning, I was wrong. I felt guilt, ashamed, towards family and friends. So much, that I was willing to pull the plug. Literally, I just wanted to dissolve. Pray that I would die in my sleep. The mental pain was to much of a burden and I was not strong enough to cut the life cord between my ex BPD and myself.
Then I tried to write as much emotions 'off', and watch inspirational video's. The thing that has helped the most were video's by Alan Watts. Little bit of inspiration
I can recommend everyone to watch these video's -
It really helped me to see life more in perspective. And from a different perspective and make me wonder and think about what I actually want in life. How to look at life, and don't push myself frantically in to searches to fill my own voids. Something I see so many times on this board, where people spike emotionally because they feel lonely, don't feel good enough and frantically go dating and show so much uncertainty. A frantic search to fill a void within yourself is bull~. Life is not about having a relationship. A relationship is not the sole purpose of life, it adds as extension not completion.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6owww.youtube.com/watch?v=mMRrCYPxD0Iwww.youtube.com/watch?v=YJuUq9wy6u4www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4j6cUwCRmIBorderliners actually have screwed up brainsI often read here, as a joke what people say, that BPDers have their brains wired differently. A malfunction in the brain. Well, I do think most people don't realize, brains of people with BPDers are actually
literally different. They are 'not normal'. Classification... . sick. Not healthy or not sane. Which also sheds light on the difficulty of therapy of working on people like this.
I've read my fair share on the actual neurological differences in regards of the brains of sociopaths and actually underwent a brain scan myself. It's the insula which is screwed over in your brain. My brain was clean as a whistle, a 'nice looking' brain the neurologist said. Very perfectly shaped. I admit, that was a relief people. I'm not joking. The realization of a mental disorder can be traced back to the actual factual sense of your brain, after hearing all the b/s of my ex gf and knowingly my mother suffers from a mental disorder it was the time to have a check on it. Not sure if other people in America could do that for free, but here in the Netherlands we could
And if I know look at my ex BPD. And she speaks, she mails or write, I don't have the feeling I speak to a sane person. I feel like I speak to a disorder. I know this might sound very harsh but I couldn't weep a tear at all if she would die tomorrow. I'd say my condolences to her family purely out of respect, but other than that, no big deal. It's not that I wish her harm, or I wish her well. BPDers don't get institutionalized (rehab that is), which in my opinion, same as bipolar and all the other ones is a shame. They can't function normally in a world. I've literally seen my ex do so much damage, not just to myself, but also leave some other friends of her sometimes utterly clueless of what the **** is going on.
My mother, on the other hand, also has a mental disorder but did get institutionalized. If my mother would die tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. I know she is sick, she won't get better. You can tell from point to point that she suffers (also spoke with her about that and the doctors). Suffers to enjoy life that is. Again I'm not showing here a view that I want all sick people to die or pass away. Hell no, i'd be the first to say that all parents need help and guidance in regards of raising kids, that people don't start having kids at age 15 because that enhances the likelihood of kids being screwed up during their your youth majorly and I wouldn't mind the government helping out orphans, kids growing up without love, give money to churches and all to help raise awareness. I, as only son has full custody over her if she for example would get a stroke. I decided, in conjunction with the doctors that she will not get help the moment she will get a stroke. As in such a defribilatior, or whatever way you say so. For me it was a choice between, would I want her to suffer more (the odds of her coming out of a heart attack better than before are less than 0.000%) and she is already in a lot of pain from day to day.
However, BPDers do leave a path of destruction behind them, so I do hope she will only find 1 guy who takes all her crap and move 1000km's away so I would never ever hear from her again nor her friends or family. (as the family is also one of the core reasons why my ex BPD gf is so screwed up, as her family isn't entirely 'sane' either).
I never ever want any presence of a BPDers in my life, or people around BPDers until I pass away. I literally gain nothing from people like that in my life, they eat the living energy out of you. Wear you out. However, if the situation is thrown into my lap, I will do whatever I can to help them, assist them, and make sure they get the best treatment possible. Same as my mother. I do visit her. She gets good care
. But rewind 20 years back, where the question was, do we need to institutionalize Harm's mother, the question of course raised difficulties. How do you classify someone as not being able to 'function' in this world? My mother has done great psychological damage towards my father. My father still struggles to this day to live with this.
Staying friends with the BPDerWhy?If not for having kids or sharing a business, why would you stay in contact with someone like BPD? You know for a fact they have different feelings in regards of shared experiences which you once thought to be 'loving memories' of the past and 'meant something'. Why fool yourself? Why live in a lie? Why hold on? Why want to put blame on her? Why?
Why would you attach specific feelings to something which you once shared with someone who doesn't attach feelings to this? That's ridiculous. You are not going to dress your dog like a fish and pretend it's a fish. And the moment you realize it's a dog, you'd be mourning and just, from time to time dress him a like a fish again, just to play foolish games with ur head. You are not your thoughts. I truly believe of no sole purpose of having a BPD person in ur life as a partner or a friend.
