Newbie - No contact after Blowup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone!  I recently joined the board after being directed here from another website.  I asked for advice and the person who responded recommended that I come here.  At first I wasn't so sure if my ex showed signs of BPD, but after reading up about it, a lot of the things I've seen up here sound exactly like him.  I'm currently on my second week of NC with him (I guess one could say it was a mutual agreement... .   although it wasn't very cordial). 

Here's my intro post with a bunch of background information:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199537.0

My apologies for the length of it.  Anyway, it is becoming easier to accept the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but I still wonder if that day was the last time I'll ever talk to  him.  It breaks my heart to think that he could hate me so much that he wishes pain and suffering on me, and that he honestly feels like I crushed his heart.  I keep hoping that he will send a text/e-mail apologizing so that we can talk things out, but I don't think this will happen.  My therapist says that I need to stop living in this "anticipatory mode" in which I hope to hear from him.  I know he's right, but I love this man so much, and not talking to him kills me. 

Since joining this website, I have started to look at him differently.  I pity him, and a part of me is fearful of him because of the way he blew up the last time we talked.  Even if he were to contact me, I wouldn't know how to respond to anything he says.  It's like attaching the term "BPD" to him makes me feel like I do need to walk on eggshells, and I cannot be completely honest with him about my feelings.  Since that final blowup he had, I have looked at his online profiles and he seems to be enjoying himself.  It's just the usual stuff, posting random funny pictures, song lyrics, etc.  I keep telling myself that I've basically been doing the same thing, and that it's easy to make it look like you're moving on and enjoying yourself on the Internet.  He recently posted something about how he couldn't sleep and it was early in the morning and I found myself thinking "I wonder if he thought about me at all... .   or if he feels bad."  I don't know what goes on in his head anymore.  Part of me feels like he really is moving on though, and when I picture him going out with that girl he was supposedly talking to since we broke up, it breaks my heart.  He wants nothing to do with me.  Is it really possible for him to cut me out of his life that easily?  Do you all think that there is a chance I could hear from him?

[Sango216]

Hi everyone!  I recently joined the board after being directed here from another website.  I asked for advice and the person who responded recommended that I come here.  At first I wasn't so sure if my ex showed signs of BPD, but after reading up about it, a lot of the things I've seen up here sound exactly like him.  I'm currently on my second week of NC with him (I guess one could say it was a mutual agreement... .   although it wasn't very cordial). 

Here's my intro post with a bunch of background information:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199537.0

My apologies for the length of it.  Anyway, it is becoming easier to accept the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me, but I still wonder if that day was the last time I'll ever talk to  him.  It breaks my heart to think that he could hate me so much that he wishes pain and suffering on me, and that he honestly feels like I crushed his heart.  I keep hoping that he will send a text/e-mail apologizing so that we can talk things out, but I don't think this will happen.  My therapist says that I need to stop living in this "anticipatory mode" in which I hope to hear from him.  I know he's right, but I love this man so much, and not talking to him kills me. 

Since joining this website, I have started to look at him differently.  I pity him, and a part of me is fearful of him because of the way he blew up the last time we talked.  Even if he were to contact me, I wouldn't know how to respond to anything he says.  It's like attaching the term "BPD" to him makes me feel like I do need to walk on eggshells, and I cannot be completely honest with him about my feelings.  Since that final blowup he had, I have looked at his online profiles and he seems to be enjoying himself.  It's just the usual stuff, posting random funny pictures, song lyrics, etc.  I keep telling myself that I've basically been doing the same thing, and that it's easy to make it look like you're moving on and enjoying yourself on the Internet.  He recently posted something about how he couldn't sleep and it was early in the morning and I found myself thinking "I wonder if he thought about me at all... .   or if he feels bad."  I don't know what goes on in his head anymore.  Part of me feels like he really is moving on though, and when I picture him going out with that girl he was supposedly talking to since we broke up, it breaks my heart.  He wants nothing to do with me.  Is it really possible for him to cut me out of his life that easily?  Do you all think that there is a chance I could hear from him?

[GreenMango]

Sango sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't.  Here's the thing most of the time if they come back (and haven't been working on themselves) the behavior is the same, the cycle likes to repeat itself.

Welcome to bpdfamily.com and the leaving board.  It's a hard place to be.  Maybe just let yourself mourn.  Don't put too many demands on yourself right now.  I know right now it doesn't seem like it, with time it gets better. 

Take a look at some of the lessons (right hand margin ----> and the other resources.  They are helpful to explain how the disorder works, what to expect in the future, and how to cope.

So sorry you are heartbroken.

[Mightyhammers]

Hi Sango, I sincerely believe that my ex GF will be back in a few months time ( shes done it a few times before ), even after telling me she doesn’t want to see or hear from me again – but everyone is different. What you and I need to do is be in a position that if they DO come back, we will be strong enough to tell them where to go and we don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Right now I am not in that place, if she got in touch with me asking me back I would probably be willing to talk to her, but Im getting better week by week and I haven’t tried to contact her since she told me the above. Invest time in yourself, invest time in your friends, invest time in your family – I know its hard to get out of the mindset of pining for them ( I still think of her every single minute of the day ), but try and get your head into something else. It gets better I promise.

[Sango216]

Hi Mighthammers!

You are so right.  I still think about him a lot.  At work I would burst into tears because I would think about all of the things he said to me and I allowed it to get into my head.  I began to think that I really am this hateful person who crushed his heart and "twisted the knife."  I went to work last night and didn't cry for the first time in a while, which is good. However, I do not think I am in a good place just yet either.  If he were to contact me, I would be elated.  I would probably have to restrain myself from sounding too excited and pouring my heart out.  It seems as though I may never hear from him again though.  He is enjoying himself over there, and he could care less about how he made me feel.  Accepting that is the hardest part, and my therapist says that while he knows I love this man very much, him cutting off contact the way he did is only a blessing because had he not, we would've been going through the same thing. 

[Mightyhammers]

The way I see it, and I know a few people will disagree with this, is that we are in a win win situation ( as long as WE are the ones that don’t initiate contact ) – If they get in touch with us it gives US the power back ( and knowing what I know now about BPD I feel I will have the upper hand ), if they DON’T get in touch with us then it frees us from a relationship which was poisonous anyway…... .

[Sango216]

That makes a lot of sense.  I don't want him to feel like he has the upper hand (because if I do contact him, that's exactly what's going to happen).  I may have had a moment of weakness and "checked in" on his websites to see how he's doing, but I know I can be stronger than that.  I will not look anymore, and I will not initiate contact with him.  I appreciate your support Mightyhammers!  Thank you so much!

[BorderlineMagnet]

Sango, so sorry for what you have went through. That sounds horrible. I'm in the same place as you anticipating contact with my ex pwBPDgf. Unlike your situation though we never had any rage or venom between each other the entire relationship, even after a confrontation about her seeing someone else. She was all about self-esteem and abandonment issues. I believe mine initiated NC because she was ashamed I found out about her being with her usual cycle of white trash losers. It's been a month today and I've still thought about her every hour of everyday. It's hard maintaining the NC when there are so many things that I would like to say. And like you and many others, would probably take her back if she asked. I've resolved to send a friendship olive branch within the next 2 weeks on the anniversary of us meeting. Her shame may be too much to reach out. Or maybe I will see rage for the first time. In your case I would be even more apprehensive about NC. The pain they cause when they rage cuts so deep ( I had another ex pwBPDgf before the current one. She was a rager. 2 in a row, lucky me huh? ) Stay strong and don't get sucked in by kind words. When they show the rage once, it always will come back. And I think he will pop up again at some point. I asked the very same question as you, and while there is never a definitive answer, depending on what this person saw you as, if they need you they will return.

[causticdork]

Yep, mine turns into the sweetest, most supportive, understanding, and dedicated girlfriend in the world when she realizes she's losing me.  Then when I would decide to stay and try to work it out she would be back to her old ways within a couple of days.  When I finally ended it and refused to relent I got the gamut from tears to rage to suicide threats to proclamations of love back to rage and on and on and on.  She deleted me from facebook and hasn't tried to contact me in a bout a day and a half, and I consider it a good thing.  Granted, I got fed up enough to end things and not want her back (even though I do love her and miss her), so I'm not secretly hoping she'll contact me. 

I think what's more important than whether or not he'll contact you is what you're going to do if he does.  Try and be prepared for it.  If you want to work things out with him make sure that you set boundaries, and then don't let him ignore those boundaries whenever he feels like it.  Figure out what was so unhealthy in the relationship, and how likely you are to be happy in the long-run if you stay with this guy.  What needs to change? 

I know how bad it hurts when they give us the cold shoulder.  I promise it gets better.  It just takes a while.   

[LongGoneEx]

Sango, welcome. And don't let your ex guilt you into violating your own boundaries. pwBPD love to make you feel guilty and they use that guilt to manipulate you into doing things you wouldn't normally do. Trust me, you will regret giving in later. You are to them just an object on which they can dump all their negative feelings about themselves. Don't enable that behavior - it's actually more loving to walk away and not listen to their untruths and distortions.

In my experience, if you refuse to listen to their distortions, they'll rage and give you the silent treatment to try to break you. It becomes a battle of wills for control. It's all about control for a pwBPD. And that isn't love. I would advise you to use the period of NC to work on distancing yourself from their chaos. Work on your ability to say no to the nonsense when/if your pwBPD ever comes back.

[Sleep doc]

Sango,

  I'm sorry you're going through this.  It is really really hard.  The worst is when your ego is so enmeshed that you actually have fantasies of inviting your torturer back into your life.  The fact that we are saddened by them not calling when we told them not to call is what shames us the most.  But don't feel guilty - just own the feeling.  Embrace that there are flaws on you that need fixing and that you are WORTHY of better. 

  The end is when you decide in your HEART that it's the end.  The faster you get there, the faster you can get your life back.  Focus on you - don't give him the POWER to take that focus away.

[Sango216]

Hi everyone!  Thank you so much for your responses.  I appreciate all of the support.  I have been doing a lot better since I made this post.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Wow... .  It's been nearly a month since I made my post on this topic and what is wild is my ex popped back up later that night at a bar after FB creeping me. I got my answer if she had let me go. Guess not. Then with some lie and shame filled LC emails 2 days later she has gone quiet again. Of course I called her out on the disorder being the reason she cheated, which she denied (shame and the fact that they don't like to confront their disorder). Since then I've seen how much she had mirrored me, and I understand that I fell in love with myself mainly. I still miss her a lot, and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about her in certain ways, but my life has made a big positive change. And I've found out 21 years old girls reeeeeally like me (I'm 35), so it can't be all bad Glad you're doing better Sango. I'm gonna stay till I'm strong enough to know that I've truly detached. Because right now I would probably still give in to her if she somehow decided to reconnect.

[Sango216]

Hello again Borderline Magnet!

My apologies.  I left for a while because I was worried I would focus too much on my exbf's disorder and diagnosing him rather than on myself and moving forward.  I'm glad to hear that you've seen some positive changes in your life recently.  What does LC mean?  I'm still learning the terminology here.  I noticed that in your last post you referred to your former girlfriend as your "ex pwBPDgf."  Does that mean she has been diagnosed by a doctor?

And yes, I think I will hang around for a while too.  Everyone here is so supportive.  It feels great to be able to come here and not have to worry about anyone getting sick of hearing me go on and on about my situation.  It's a healthy outlet.

[BorderlineMagnet]

LC means "limited contact". After my ex showed up at the bar I was at with the guy she cheated on me with and left for (I kind of gave her no choice when I found out about him, and exposed her to him. He was in the dark too) the same night I made that post, we talked through email a little a couple days later. She basically was feeding me lies about how happy she was and in love, yet made a point to tell me that I come up in their relationship a lot and they fight about me (they had not even known each other 2 months at this point). Its like she didn't realize that "so happy" and "fighting all the time about me" kind of contradict each other. This time I was the one that initiated the NC by saying I didn't wanna argue with her (she would not admit that her disorder was what caused her to cheat. But I reminded her that 2 days before she cheated she said how happy she was, and that I was amazing). But I expected her to lie, she's a borderline. But she did express shame, and regret, so I can tell she didn't want me to find out and lose me in the way she did. I call her a pwBPD because yes, she did indeed tell me she had it. But in the most messed up way. Basically right after we had said "I love you" to each other and became a couple. Maybe it's because she knew my previous ex had it, maybe it's because she knew she would hurt me at some point and that was her way of warning me. I dunno. I don't think I will ever know now. I doubt I will hear from her again after starting NC. Although I still hear from the ex w/BPD before her. Recently as Friday she called me from rehab yet again thinking we could get back together. I didn't take her call, I let it go to voicemail.

[Sango216]

Thank you for clearing that up BorderlineMagnet.  I'm sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex.  It always amazes me how quickly borderlines can move on, or how they can jump from person to person, throwing one away and picking up another.  It is almost as if people are disposable to them.  I think it's great that you can ignore your other ex like that.  It must feel nice to be able to resist, or to simply not have the urge to answer in the first place.  I long to get to that point. 

Everyone around me keeps saying "You'll hear from your ex when you least expect it.  You'll be pretty much over it and he'll pop up."  I was speaking with one of my guy friends recently about the situation and he gave me a "run-down" of how things will most likely go.  He said my ex will probably send something short like "Hey" or "Hi," or maybe he'll attempt to add me via social networking or something.  He said he won't address the unresolved issues that we have at first.  He'll test me to see how I respond.  I honestly have no idea whether I'll hear from him again, but I don't feel that burning desire to be contacted by him anymore, and that shows how much progress I have made.

[Mr Bean]

The way I see it, and I know a few people will disagree with this, is that we are in a win win situation ( as long as WE are the ones that don’t initiate contact ) – If they get in touch with us it gives US the power back ( and knowing what I know now about BPD I feel I will have the upper hand ), if they DON’T get in touch with us then it frees us from a relationship which was poisonous anyway…... .

Agree with you. You couldn't have said it better.

It's been 3 months since I haven't contacted her. It's hard and sometimes I miss her a lot but I have to move on. In the end now, I feel so much better

[BorderlineMagnet]

What you're friend says sounds about right. My previous ex did that exactly. She called me exactly one month after I made her leave. She acted like nothing had happened (trust me, some crazy rager stuff happened, thats why she had to leave), and just told me what she had been doing in the meantime. Her parents had kicked her out due to her rage, and she had skipped out on the rehab she was supposed to have been after something like a week. Later through her mom I had found out she had lied and said I physically threatened her into doing drugs. Another BPD ploy for sympathy. To be the victim. I have no problem avoiding her. She has put me through 5 years of misery. And it's so weird that the current ex popped up too after exactly one month. I suspect she had FB creeped me after me checking in at a bar in her part of town (I was there with friends after a baseball game). She acted like she didn't see me even though she walked 3 feet from me. She had brought the white trash douchebag she had cheated on me with. Almost felt bad for him. I'm a big muscular guy, and when I need to be I can be very intimidating. He is a dumpy, sleazy looking dude that even the waitress agreed was a HUGE step down. I think she had 2 goals: first to see if me and my female friend were dating (she likes a lot of my posts and comments, and we do hang out a lot, but she has a BF and is not my type). And second to show her new guy what's waiting in the wings if he messes up. She had looked like she was in a hurry to get there (not dressed up at all even though he was, and she would ALWAYS dress up when she went out with me on Friday nights). My friend even confronted her in the bathroom, and she acted like she had no idea I was there, yet was reeeeeally interested if me and my friend were dating. I'm not sure if this one will pop up again. Unfortunately I still miss her a lot. I'm getting more disgusted the more I learn about mirroring, and seeing how completely she did it to me, but I still think about her daily. People really are disposable to them. They think they can throw us away and then pick us up whenever they want. I will not let her do that if she tries. If anything, I may indulge her sexually one more time (as that was one thing I think she tried to keep me around for), and then never speak to her again. Make her feel like I did. If I don't get that chance, then so what. My life has gotten much better, and if I keep working I can work her out of my mind at some point. Glas you made so much progress, but be ready for that pop up. It will happen in some fashion. Trust me.

[Sango216]

Wow.  That's a lot of trouble for one person to go through.  Going to the same bar as you?  I think I may have read one of your earlier posts about this because it sounds familiar.  Five years is a long time to date someone anyway, so I can't imagine what it was like with a pwBPD.  I'm curious.  Even though you've made it up in your mind that you're done with her, do you still get some of those old feelings when you see her?  I don't really have to worry too much about anything like that happening, but I can imagine if it did, I would probably have a heart attack.  My ex is in another country, so there will be no bumping into one another.  But when I'm online and I see pictures and he has liked them or commented on them, it feels like my reaction is similar to the one I would have if I actually saw him in person.

Mirroring, it's basically copying you, right?  Then that causes you to fall in love with her because it seems like you two are the perfect match or something?  Sorry if it seems like I'm using you as a "BPD for Dummies" textbook.  Haha.  I've read about mirroring before, and I still can't quite figure out if that's what my ex did.  We've always been very different.  In fact, we only have a few things in common, and everything else we argue/disagree about.  Hopefully if he does pop up, I'll be able to stand my ground.

I wish you the best of luck!  It sounds like we're both on the right track.

[BorderlineMagnet]

The one I was with for 5 years I really don't run in to or see. I just pity her anymore. She ruined her amazing looks with drug abuse, and has treated her amazing family so poorly. I have no romantic feelings for her whatsoever. The one that mirrored me is my current ex. I had known her for 10 months: 6 months as friends with benefits, 2 months of dating, 2 months as a couple. But I fell for her the moment I met her. And yes, mirroring is copying your good traits completely. It's basically falling in love with a reflection of yourself. We did have a perfect relationship. We never fought, were always very loving, and always seemed on the same page. One night when I told her I didn't want her to come over right away ( I was in a bad mood and didn't wanna take it out on her) is all it took for her to go out that night and find this new douchebag. He must have major issues because he thinks that night was the "start" of them being in a relationship. I triggered her abandonment fears that night, then the pull was over, and her push began. She ignored texts, calls, and didn't even speak to me on my birthday. Yet she always had an excuse and was sorry. I only saw the most mild bit of anger after I exposed her, but I think it would have been worse if I responded angrily. I think she even mirrored my calm hurt demeanor, so there was no rage or yelling. The complete mirroring revelations are kind of new to me, so I have some anger and disgust towards her now. I feel like I was stolen from. That she took whats good from me and used it on myself to keep me. I know it's just a survival tool for them, but it makes me feel like I never really knew her.