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Author Topic: I have healed myself with the support of BPDFamily  (Read 456 times)
Shadowlands

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Posts: 34



« on: April 21, 2013, 05:18:44 AM »

Hi all,

Glad you looked at this one as it is especially written for you... .    

On exactly the same calendar day, a year after I cancelled an engagement to my BPD ex after I could not take anymore, I met the woman of my dreams. You will see that I haven't posted for a while because I have have slowly been getting to know her and with work as well I haven't had time to go on this site.

This post is not about her, it's about you and I. If you want to read my previous posts if we haven't met online then feel free, they are all full of similar nightmarish BPD stories to everyone on here. If you read them all you will see the pattern of how this site helped me to heal and where I have come from and to, so that you know this is genuine.

Over the past six months I have used this site to rediscover myself and understand what happened. I stayed away from relationships after an initial panic about being alone. I read, I internalized, I asked myself lots of soul searching questions, used the articles and of course made many online friends on here and they helped me along each step of understanding what the hell happened.

Then out of nowhere, after feeling like I was almost fully healed, I met my match. I felt almost ready for a relationship, but wasn't actively seeking one through online dating or anything.

She is intelligent, smart, funny, caring, beautiful (just my type infact!). Of course, I have studied her every sentence inside my head for signs and red flags... .   I have been super wary about her mirroring me so I can honestly say her best quality is that she disagrees sometimes with my views on things and challenges me and I love that about her. She is quite impatient, so I have seen frustration in her face but never rage. She likes her own company as well as mine. She loves to grow and learn new things but this time, she will no doubt teach me a few things along the way in fact I think she is brighter than I am, although I am a little more streetwise.

Her relationships path that lead her to me has very similar parallels to mine. It sounds as if she ran into an NPD along the way but doesn't offer it as a sob story and she has little experience of what that means and how it may have affected her... .   she is certainly does not view herself as a victim as such.

Of all the lists I have written about what I want in a partner as advised on this site, she ticks all the 'boxes' as such but I don't see it that way, she is just what I want. Want, but not need because I feel complete already because I know now I am fully recovered... .  

... .   Because something feels different. I don't feel co-dependant, I have no desire to 'rescue' her. Her self declared imperfections make her who she is. The relationship is passionate, but not intense. It is not a roller coaster but also not a merry go round. We are taking things slowly, not out of fear but excitement followed by realistic grounding and mutual consideration. You could say that she is the logical one and I am the emotional one, which has never been the case up until the BPD experience, in fact I could be a pretty cold person at times before in relationships and the BPD experience taught me some valuable life lessons.

Hey, it might not work out and that's OK but deep down I know it will. I know all too well how idealisation makes you feel and what a honeymoon phase feels like on the inside but now how it looks from the outside. If it doesn't then this experience has helped me over the final hurdle to full recovery.

As I said at the start though, this post is not about her but you and I. I know I am fully healed and have restored my faith in trust, life and maybe even fate. I know that as hellish as it was, the BPD 'experience' has made me a better man. I am more empathetic, I listen more and I am much more worldly wise. Hey, if I ever see my my BPD ex again I may even say thanks but as we all know too well, that would be pointless. Ironically, I used to say about my ex when things were in idealisation phase that she made me feel like I wanted to be a better man because she seemed so perfect but that was just mirroring.

Since I met my new girlfriend, I reflect back over the last year and if there is a higher being (I am agnostic) it feels like he/she kept me away from the right match until I had healed enough to be ready. There was clearly a reason why I had been left to feel alone in order that I could pick myself up.

My confidence is back, I am no longer co-dependant and this will be my last post. There is no anxiety anymore, no temporary setbacks, all steps are forward as opposed to sometimes taking one or two back. This is the official happy ending.

Why am I telling you this? Because this site helped me do it. Every moment of despair, confusion, self doubt, self blaming... .   all when I posted on here to say how I was feeling were met with support, considered opinion and it helped me work out what, when, how and why I did things and to understand ultimately all that had happened to me.

I have healed myself, with the support of BPD family and no therapist, other than one that helped me understand the signs of BPD over two sessions. So will you. If you would like one piece of advice that is universal to all of us it is to use the boards accurately and post on the appropriate board exactly where you honestly feel you are at the moment. There you will find someone who is at the same stage of recovery as you. A couple of times I jumped to 'building healthy relationships and dating' when really I was still recovering, so I stepped back again. This gave me a route map for recovery.

So, where ever you are on your recovery, I can tell you with 100% considered certainty based on experience and listening to other people on this site, that you will fully recover, things will become better than ever and you will meet someone that is right for you. You may be left with a little scar, but that will serve as your reminder rather than something that prevents you moving forward.

I know now that there are no perfect relationships or perfect partners, but there are many people that are perfect for each other. Trust your instincts. Use this site. I am not an advert for BPD family, I am just a person who has gone from feeling like I am in the worst place imaginable to someone who is in the best possible space because of the support I have received.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me and I will leave you with a very underused but well documented phrase that I learned along the way... .  

'Everything will be alright in the end... .   and if it is not alright, then it is not the end.'  

Shadowlands.

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Surnia
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2013, 06:14:12 AM »

Thank you for this success story, shadowlands!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I really like your point of view about being some time alone for learning, refraiming, building a more confident self.

I wish you all the best for your rs. Take care. 

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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
Take2
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 732



« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2013, 07:05:00 AM »

Thank you so much for sharing that Shadowlands... .   !  That is so inspiring to me right now at a time when I am struggling worse than I ever have.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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chuckstrong
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 159


« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2013, 07:17:43 AM »

WOW!  Shadowlands what a well written

and very inspirational piece. I am on my

way to where you are I hope someday. The

support I have received here has been so

so incredible I cannot even begin to tell you.

What a WONDERFUL group of people here at

BPD family.com. It truly feels like a family.

Good luck the new girl sounds great. Happy

for you my man.


Chuck

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changingme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 143


« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2013, 07:28:45 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Great story! Glad to know, I am not with a therapist and I am getting through it myself, so thank you for sharing your success story. 

Best of luck!
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