May have messed up

[Blessed0329]

My ex and I have been NC for 14 weeks, and it has been 7 weeks since I deleted him from FB. Yesterday I was thinking how free I am finally feeling, as the obsessing and longing have almost subsided.

So, right on cue, I hear from him today out of the blue, in the form of a request to connect via Linked In. I was shocked (probably shouldn't have been) and elated. I immediately accepted the request, then shortly afterwards became very suspicious of this feeler he threw out.

I would appreciate insights from any of you who have had these kinds of attempts to connect tossed at you, how you responded, and what the result was. I wish I had not been so quick to respond. (act in haste, repent at your leisure)

[motherof1yearold]

Are you sure the request wasn't a generalized request to many friends that didn't intentionally single you out and include you?

[Surrender]

Blessed0329, you have done amazing progress. What you are writing about is actually a very big fear for me. I am terrified that all my progress will be undone with one small vulnerable moment if my ex tries connecting with me at some later point. For me he dumped me almost 4 weeks ago and I have gone through what feels like addiction withdrawal to only now be getting through my days with a little bit more acceptance and clarity. I fear this will all become undone if my ex UBPD decides to throw a curve ball my way out of the blue after a significant amount of personal healing from having been so co-dependent and connected.

I keep telling myself that I won't give in because I'd have to be insane to give him one more second of my life. Somehow like your ex I can see mine doing the same thing. I wonder if they instinctively know to do this at the very point in time where they would feel empathically that we are actually moving on? Makes me wonder really if they have some innate sense that is so fine tuned to know when to try and reel us in again, especially right when we are just starting to feel strong and independent?

[Blessed0329]

Mother, yes, I am sure this was specifically from him to me. Of that, I have no doubt, based on some similar feelers he sent in December.

Wings, I am not feeling anything right now beyond suspicion. This may be a prelude to a professional request. More likely, though, is that he needs to feel connected to me in some way, however thin or minor. I rarely log on to Linked In, so I am comfortable with this thread between us. I am on FB quite a bit, and we were driving each other crazy there, which is why I deleted him from my friend list.

I will wait to see what, if anything else, comes my way.

[Clearmind]

Elated

Some hope maybe?

I wish I had not been so quick to respond. (act in haste, repent at your leisure)

Listen to your gut Blessed and put yourself first.

[Blessed0329]

Thanks, Clearmind. Yes, in all honesty, the elation was a moment of hope. But it did not take me long to realize that what I am hoping for is just not possible with him. So, I am back on the ground again, and seeing this as most likely his need to feel reconnected with me. This was a low-danger move by him to feel validated again, if I accepted his request. And for me, his reaching out was validation as well. I still feel ok and stable, this has not thrown me off balance. I was expecting him to reach out to me in some fashion, but I did not think about Linked In. I ran through all other possible scenarios, and saw he would hesitate to contact me in other ways, for fear I might reject him again. This was a gamble for him, but a pretty low key one. Now he has a connection again, and he will probably be good with that. I am as well.

[Clearmind]

I am pleased you see it as such Blessed. I understand the need to feel validated - however we are wanting to receive validation from a person who has spent a long time being invalidating to us.

In order to detach - we need to work through these feelings - looks like you have

[Blessed0329]

It has been a week since my ex sent the request to connect via LinkedIn. I was off work a few days, and when I returned, I found he had sent a second request to my work email. He did not wait to see if I would, or would not respond to the initial request, but sent the second one within 5 minutes. My work email is not attached to my LinkedIn account, so this was an actions he had to think through and complete separately. That day he sent put three other requests, all to men, all who are affiliated to him through his church work.

Today he finally updated his status to show he is no longer employed at my work place (hasn't been for 9 months) and he is now listed as the minister at his church. He is also on a roll, adding lots of other church related men.

I stick out like a sore thumb in his contacts.

I have to wonder if his request to connect last week was just one of those random popping up things Seeking Balance has referred to. If nothing else, it brings him back to the forefront of my mind.

[Mightyhammers]

I wonder if they instinctively know to do this at the very point in time where they would feel empathically that we are actually moving on? Makes me wonder really if they have some innate sense that is so fine tuned to know when to try and reel us in again, especially right when we are just starting to feel strong and independent?

Ive thought the same thing myself, honestly!