borderline husband- help

[gravity]

Maybe this is the right place where to post this... .  

My husband of 8 months was the perfect person: super-romantic, handsome, loving. It started to show another side of himself as soon as we set the date for the wedding. Although I became doubful about the whole wedding thing after a very cruel discussion, when I proposed to just leave it as it is he became enraged. He alternated months of caring and loving behavior with sudden rages and very offensive words. When I lost the child we were expecting, both seemingly very happy about, he told me 'he will never want to have a child with a woman like me' and that 'I deserved what happened'. He bought me a ticket to join him (he is in mission), then cancelled it, then reconsidered. The day after my birthday he tried to leave me, and I cried a lot, thing that made him stay ('I didn't think you cared about this relationship at all', he told me). Three months after we started living together, he went again from being the supercaring husband to be very abusive. The day after his birthday he exploded telling me that he hates me, despises me and never ever loved me, that the relationship was 'a laugh', that he married me only because he was forced (to keep appearances in the workplace)  and that he never wants to see me again. He's been ignoring me for days now, but since he has done most of this before I still have hope that this is another crisis... .   everyone I know tells me to get out, but I love him very much and I am in a great deal of pain right now. I left my job and declined several offers to be with him, because his reaction to my departure for mission had been horrible. Trying to please him, I left the job and went where he is... .   so now I lost everything, and I am horribly anxious about the future and sad about the failure... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NonBPDSpouse]

Borderline or not... .   You should leave the relationship.

If he can be so abusive now, can you imagine how he would treat you if you have children?

I believe that people say horrible things and then try to validate them, but when they cross the "nasty" line and say things that are so mean and hurtful, it is time to leave.

Don't fall for his attempts to project blame on you so he can feel better about what he said or did... .  

You would be better to be single than in an abusive relationship.

When the "walking on eggshells" feeling in your gut goes away, you will feel like a new person.

[gravity]

Thank you for your words,

I know you are absolutely right. I realize I became very insecure about myself and I keep wondering what did I do wrong... .   in my previous relationships, which mostly ended amicably, I could always sit down with the person and say 'ok, it doesn't work. this is my part of responsability'.

Now I feel all of it is my responsability, and I can't find the behavior or words that trigger his rage. One day I am 'his wonderful wife' and the other I am a monster. Walking on eggshells became the usual feeling... .   and try to please him. Sometimes I wonder if all of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lost the baby. Maybe I became 'defective' after that... .  

I know it is over, but the good parts were so wonderful that I cling to hope they can come back again... .  

[catnap]

 gravity,

I am so sorry that you lost your unborn child. No one "deserves" that.  Is there a way to find a therapist or counselor where you are now? 


BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

[gravity]

I will be leaving soon and back home I will be able to find help. I also don't want to be too much of a burden for my family, so I am already looking for support.

My family and friends have listened to me through all these up and downs and somehow I feel I even lost credibility in their eyes because I don't seem to be able to leave this man and mantain NC. I always go back hoping for the wonderful/loving phase to return... .   and it does, for a while. It keeps me hooked. I hope maybe some therapy will help me understand how I got here... .  

[Pearl99]

Gravity,

I am so sorry you are in pain. Your post hit me hard because I relate to it. Please take care of yourself and don't allow this man to hurt and damage you anymore. So often when I read other women's stories on these boards, I feel like we are all talking about the same man. The difference is I left him two months before the wedding. He never, ever seemed happy about the upcoming wedding. He tried to sabotage the relationship at every turn, and eventually succeeded by scaring me with a terrible rage. Two years in a row, he almost ended the relationship within days of my birthday, causing me more stress and humiliation. Like yours, he exploded in rages and told me he hated me and wished I would disappear. During our first break up over the phone, I begged and pleaded with him not to leave me and he screamed at me, telling me he would come out and throw me down on the ground. Then he laughed at me, while I was in so much pain. Also, like you, I gave up my job to be with him, and I am still struggling to find another one eight months later. It is hard, but this man will mess with your mind and heart and hurt you more if you stay.

Try to remember the sadistic abuse. It will help you move on. When he acted in a cruel manner to you, that was the real him. He was showing you who he is. The mask fell off. Mine could also be super-romantic, loving, and attentive. I think it's just part of the game. They can't sustain it. In fact, sometimes mine would berate, explode, or humiliate me on those romantic trips. The romance is all smoke and mirrors with them.

My thoughts are with you during this painful time.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, most likely your husband will want to make up once again. They almost always do. Read some of the lessons on this board. It really helped me to know that none of my husbands behavior was my fault. None of it! You have become an emotional punching bag, when he is upset he uses you to make himself feel better. It's the disorder and it hurts every one of us that has to deal with it.

What you need to decide is if you really want to work on the relationship and if you really do want to have children with this man. I would read as much as you can before you make the staying decision. No matter how many times my husband tells me he loves me, he tells me he hates me just as many times. Staying is not easy and he will try and pull you back in, they are very good at pulling you back in. I suggest you get some counceling when you can, anyone who forgives over and over like we do and stays in this type of relationship have mental problems too. We need to learn boundries and how to stand up for ourselves. Every one of us ignored the signs and believed what they said. You are not alone here.

I'm so sorry he said those horrible things to you, my husband has said something similar to me and it was probably the worst thing he ever said to me. 

[Rockylove]

... .  but I love him very much and I am in a great deal of pain right now. I left my job and declined several offers to be with him, because his reaction to my departure for mission had been horrible. Trying to please him, I left the job and went where he is... .   so now I lost everything, and I am horribly anxious about the future and sad about the failure... .   

I believe that every one of us on this board has been through this or is currently going through this.  The question I ask myself is what is love?  The feelings I have for my bf/SO/fiance (heck, I don't even know what I am to him right now) come from a place in my soul that no words I know can describe.  I've unconditional love and that's the best I can say.  But... .  how do I "love" in the traditional sense, a man who calls me terrible names and says the most disparaging things about me?  It seems insane to an outsider!  The fact is, I can't love him the way others believe "love" should be.  I radically accept the anger, harsh words and rages as part of the mental illness.  I'm learning to create boundaries that keep my self respect and sanity in tact.  The good times still outweigh the bad.  If that changes, I know that I'm strong enough to leave with dignity.  I will always "love" him as I do now, but I will do it from a distance.  

I wish you much strength and look forward to hearing of your progress  

[byasliver]

I second what Rockylove said ^  Having a r/s with someone with a PD is extremely tough but only you can decide what is acceptable for you to tolerate. Radical acceptance is HARD but makes such a huge difference. I think (emphasis on "think" the difference between someone with a PD and just your typical abusive person is that someone with PD is trying so desperately to control & manage their own emotions (and failing miserably, unfortunately) but an abuser is trying to control EVERYthing. It's a VERY fine line and difficult to determine. Lean on your own strengths, your love for him and for yourself, find a good therapist for yourself and try to listen to your own inner voice. Deep down, you know if his love is real and just being overshadowed by his fears/emotions or if he truly doesn't care. Others who try to give their opinion do not know the extent of the trauma you've dealt with so try not to give their ideas too much weight. Just appreciate that they care enough about you to express their concerns. You are a wonderful person for trying to stick this out and for caring so much for him. And dealing with a miscarriage to boot!   I know the pain is indescribable. Things WILL get better and easier, eventually! Just hang in there!