Last connection severed today.

[wanttoknowmore]

I was NC for 4 weeks but one last connection was the FB account she created 2 yeras ago with username containg half letters from my name and half from her name. I was able to see all her FB activity until today and could not cut this connection.

Today, I decided to cut this tie ... .  I forced myself and clicked... . her picture disappeared in a second... . and I felt a sudden deep sense of sadness for 5 minutes.

This FB a/c was a symbol of our deep love when she created it... . I felt like I was cutting the last thread of our connection.

Afterwards, I felt self confident and powerful as I could do this after waiting for 2 months. I feel guilty about how she will feel when she finds out.

[maria1]

Hi wanttoknowmore

You have taken control for you. That is what is important. She will feel what she will feel but you need to heal and accepting that the relationship is over means letting go of the past. It is very freeing and very powerful. But incredibly hard. Good for you. You are on a good path. Feel the feelings and accept them and pass through them fully if you can.

I'm proud of you and full of respect for cutting the last tie. 

[wanttoknowmore]

Maria1,

Thanks. But, why I have this gut feeling that she will contact me again in the future and I dont know how I will respond to her contact.

Her home is full of furniture ,paintings and clothes which I chose for her.

Lots of gifts over 2 years .She doesnot discard any thing easily. She stores.

Our pictures, videos of overseas trip , she once said she will never discard and would like to watch them in last days of her life.

She did push me very hard,gave ST and rages but she has not truly painted me black as in rage attacks she kept saying .".please ... . please.help me move on." She said she has never shared such intimate info about her and her family with anyone else and ,feels afraid that I know too much about her.

Honestly, I still feel like supporting her even if it is as a regular friend. But,

I am certainly not calling her... .  I can not afford to go lower than what I have gone... .  she has to call me otherwise its totally over forever.

[maria1]

But if she calls you?

Because she almost certainly will. Which means you will recycle, and then it will all happen again, and you will be devastated again.

Do you want her back?

[wanttoknowmore]

I am not sure, Maria1. I dont know. I will not recycle the r/s the way it was.

I still feel it my duty as a friend to guide her and support her about why she has all this chaos in her life. She put so much trust in me that I feel like I have failed her.

My first condition of friendship will be that she agree to talk about and understand her disorder as there is no other way to happiness.  Then,I would like to steer her to getting intensive therapy. I want to give one try as I fully believe she is a very kind and good hearted woman when she is not dysregulated. If she doesnot agree then, no friendship.

Her self esteem is so low that she will probably get involved with very low quality man and then, her chances of well-being will be doomed. She thinks I am too good for her and she does not deserve me even as a friend.  Her Self esteem deteriorated further after she got dysregulated 2 months ago. And, I was invalidating many times due to my own frustrations abour her ST /rages.

[maria1]

I still feel it my duty as a friend to guide her and support her about why she has all this chaos in her life.

If she has lost the relationship with you and that hasn't caused her to get therapy do you really think you can make her? I see you wanting to help her and I understand this. It's incredibly hard to see somebody you love spiraling downwards.

You cannot help her by attaching conditions to any friendship. You are no longer in a relationship with her. If you want to be a true friend then you would be a true friend whether she wanted therapy or not, wouldn't you? I'm sorry if I sound harsh but we all get stuck thinking we know how to fix them. We don't and we can't. That's absolutely codependency talking. We can focus on how to fix ourselves and that is where I believe we should concentrate our efforts, whether or not we are in a relationship or friendship.

[wanttoknowmore]

My difficulty is that I am not convinced that pwBPD during dysregulation have much of a control on what they are saying or doing.

I have seen 2 other pwBPD who told me that when rage comes, they just want to be left alone because they fear they will hurt their loved one. One even was proudly smiling and said' " this time when rage came I did not say bad things... . " His facial expressions were so genuine. He was happy and proud.

I am trying to find out how much control they truly have when they are in full dyregulated state. My pwBPD is a humble, kind, gentle and caring person

she doesnot want to harm even an animal... .  but she  rages and becomes mean during dysregulation. I am leaning towards the fact that they donot want to hurt Non but once in full dysregulation... . they just lose control. Does someone else have opinion about this? Please share.

[Blessed0329]

Hi Wanttoknowmore, I went through this process 7 weeks ago by also deleting my ex from FB. His reaction was what I expected, he was deeply hurt, and felt rejected. But it was not about him, it was about me. I was stuck, and could not move on with my life and with healing while we still had this connection. I now feel freer and more stable than at any time since before this relationship. He contacted me for the first time yesterday, by sending me a request to connect via Linked In. He also sent a message to me through Linked In. I did not respond to the message, but did accept the request. For the first time, I still feel at peace.

I would agree with you about the dysregulation, and not wanting to hurt us. I have learned that very little my ex did, or did not do, was even about me. It was always all about him. After some hurtful thing he did, usually triangulating (read definition), he would seem to come out of a "state," like he had sobered up, and apologize. But when he was in the moment, I dont think he really could stop himself.

[atcrossroads]

My difficulty is that I am not convinced that pwBPD during dysregulation have much of a control on what they are saying or doing.

I have seen 2 other pwBPD who told me that when rage comes, they just want to be left alone because they fear they will hurt their loved one. One even was proudly smiling and said' " this time when rage came I did not say bad things... . " His facial expressions were so genuine. He was happy and proud.

I am trying to find out how much control they truly have when they are in full dyregulated state. My pwBPD is a humble, kind, gentle and caring person

she doesnot want to harm even an animal... .  but she  rages and becomes mean during dysregulation. I am leaning towards the fact that they donot want to hurt Non but once in full dysregulation... . they just lose control. Does someone else have opinion about this? Please share.

My husband (soon to be ex) was the kindest most loving man - he was a wonderful husband to me.  I used to listen in horror when I went out with girlfriends and they griped about their husbands' inconsiderate ways.  My husband was affectionate, funny, nurturing (warming my car daily, making coffee every morning, etc.).  He was wonderful in many ways.

But he also was mercilessly cruel when something triggered him - small things usually.  He was a paradox - smart, complicated, loving, cruel.  I still cannot fully wrap my brain around how one who treated me with love, care, devotion could turn so cruel and then act like nothing happened.  WTH?  Also, now that we have separated (have been a few months), he has split me pitch black -- I may as well be Lucifer himself.  It's surreal how someone who "loved" me so much (and with whom I was so compatible) could flip that switch - never to be flipped back!

Is all of this due to dysregulation?  Why can't they get control of it?  Do they not realize how they push others away?  He is his own worst enemy.  We were together 10+ years, but he is doing terribly.  He's always been "high functioning," but he's coming unglued at work, and who knows - he could lose job he's had for over a decade.

Is this dysregulation?  Why can't he pull himself up and out of it and see how he's harming himself.

Sorry for ramble... .  

[Validation78]

Hi All!

pwBPD are not all bad. Sure, they have loving caring sides too (Dr J/ Mr H). That's one of the many things that keep us hooked. The fact remains, that despite the good parts of them, the dysfunctional things they do, are nothing short of abuse. If we subject ourselves to abuse just because they can't control themselves, what does that say about us? I agree, while they are in a state of dysregulation, they are out of control, and probably don't mean to hurt us. That doesn't negate the fact that they do, and the harm done to us is poison to our wellbeing. If we somehow can manage to put these things into perspective and not allow the dysregulated behaviors to harm us, maybe these relationships could work. There's where some of the lessons learned on the staying boards can come into play. It's a rough life, living with a mental illness like BPD, and not for the faint hearted. Many of us are damaged when we get into the relationships in the first place, and are only damaged further when we allow ourselves to be exposed to the effects of BPD behaviors!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[babyducks]

atthecrossroads, 

again some one here is telling my story,  my ex was sweet caring adorable dedicated to our life together, except when suddenly out of a period of noticeable calm and good times she would suddenly become cruel, demanding and fixated on some small perceived slight.  It was the strangest most confusing thing.   we have just split up for the second time after a recycle attempt and she is visibly coming apart.   its very difficult to watch and try to accept. 

[wanttoknowmore]

Atcrossroad,

My mission is to understand totally this mysterious disorder. I have read almost 20% of posts on Staying,undecided and leaving boards to see different patterns of pwBPD behaviors.

I have spent over $2000 on books, research material and latest theories about this disorder.

I have read about 3000 pages of scientific material incl latest work from Australia.I am not expert yet. That might take many years.

My conclusions as of today are:

(1) During dysregulation ,they have zero control and are very afraid. Hence they don't answer phones, starts texting and give silent treatment. It is not with goal to hurt Non but Non gets hurt.

(2) There is core personality and on it superimposed is the Borderline personality. This is the reason we see so many variety in different BPDs. Some never self mutilate, some never abuse drugs, some

know that their brain is not normal, some never become violent, some over-compensate by being charitable , by becoming workoholics, some keep all momentos of good times, some discard gift in hours after break up and so on. Some like to recycle with ex ,some never go back to Ex., some are litigious ,some never harm their Ex.

In core personality, pw BPDs are different but the pattern of behavior of their BPD remains more or less the same.

I am on my way to learn more and more as that is my coping style. I believe knowledge liberates.

I am asking myself... .  should they be punished or blamed for what they do... .  what about forgiving them by reason of insanity?