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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: can they give closure  (Read 504 times)
mitchell16
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« on: May 02, 2013, 08:09:19 AM »

well after about 8 weeks of nc myexBPDgf was waiting for me when I got off work. She wanted us to talk. I had ignored her several attempts to contact me by phone and text message over the weeks. we talked for sevela hours and it was a good conversations. She advsied that she had been seeing a therapist and that she relaized alot of things going on with her towards the end. Dealing with a relatives death, family problems etc. and that she ahd let drinking alcohol get the best of her. She said she was sorry for the how se treated me in teh relationship and she relaized that her lying had caused me to not have trust in her. That she didnt know how to let me love her or anybody else for that matter. She cried and said she did love me and that I had treated her better then anyone else she had ever had. and that she has to fix her self. and try to make her life better. she admitted that she had let other people, her friends influnce our relationship. It was one of our best conversations we ever had. Of course we parted ways on freindly terms. NO discussion of getting back togther on my part or hers. But Im really floored by all this.  I really dont know what to make of all this.
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Newton
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2013, 08:19:22 AM »

I hope her words are sincere... .  for your and her sake... .  

I suggest you concentrate on how her behaviour pans out... .  over time... .  that is the only way you can establish if she was expressing her feelings in that particular moment... .  or she has genuine intention to change... .  

"When someone shows you what they are like... .  believe them"... .  
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mitchell16
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« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2013, 08:37:39 AM »

You are right. about her behavior. In teh past she has been remorseful and we alwasy got back togther for it to only happen again. But something seemed diffrent this time. No talk about getting back togther. just discussing waht happened it was the first time she ever listen to me and actully talked about what had happened and she accpeted responsiblity for alot of her actions. Of course my paranoia has kicked to some degree, is this just an attmept to mess me up again or just to let my guard down. Of course I feel better then i have in a long time after the conversation.
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Newton
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« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2013, 09:23:21 AM »

Well she has talked this way in the past... .  then reverted to her previous dysfunctional behaviour... .  are you being paranoid?... .  or perhaps cautious based on past events... .  that seems more likely... .  

Remember... .  pwBPD have fleeting feelings (which equate to facts... .  and consequential behaviour)... .  

If she is true to her word it will be obvious by consistent resolve to change (with ups and downs on that path)... .  

It's important to focus on what YOU want and require from a partner... .  do you think she can provide that?... .  and are you willing to wait out the timescale that might take?... .  
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mitchell16
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« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2013, 10:53:21 AM »

catious is probabley a better word based on my past experience with her. She has gave this story before and I have feel for it. But on the last times she always wanted us back togther. This time no talk about getting back togther on eithers part. Just conversations related to to what happend in the relationship, her taken alot of responsibilty for the failurs of it. Very sorry for the hurt she caused me and terrible things she said.

I guess what my parnoia is, is this just a diffrent approach leading to the same game. and of course what do I want. I do love her and care about her a great deal and want it to work out. But is that possible, not from her previous history.
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hithere
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« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2013, 11:30:06 AM »

Excerpt
No talk about getting back togther.

I know when this type of thing happened to me in the past it was because she was cultivating new relationships and wanted to keep me warm on the side for a recycle.  When those relationships did not work she then came in for the recycle.
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seeking balance
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2013, 12:05:35 PM »

well after about 8 weeks of nc myexBPDgf was waiting for me when I got off work. She wanted us to talk. I had ignored her several attempts to contact me by phone and text message over the weeks. we talked for sevela hours and it was a good conversations. She advsied that she had been seeing a therapist and that she relaized alot of things going on with her towards the end. Dealing with a relatives death, family problems etc. and that she ahd let drinking alcohol get the best of her. She said she was sorry for the how se treated me in teh relationship and she relaized that her lying had caused me to not have trust in her. That she didnt know how to let me love her or anybody else for that matter. She cried and said she did love me and that I had treated her better then anyone else she had ever had. and that she has to fix her self. and try to make her life better. she admitted that she had let other people, her friends influnce our relationship. It was one of our best conversations we ever had. Of course we parted ways on freindly terms. NO discussion of getting back togther on my part or hers. But Im really floored by all this.  I really dont know what to make of all this.

Mitchell,

It sounds like she gave you an apology and took responsibility.

As such, is this closure for you?

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
minaccia

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« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2013, 12:53:44 PM »

That she didnt know how to let me love her or anybody else for that matter.

She cried and said she did love me and that I had treated her better then anyone else she had ever had.

NO discussion of getting back togther on my part or hers. But Im really floored by all this.  I really dont know what to make of all this.

Mitchell, I quoted the things I believe are more important.

The first quote, makes me think she does not have an idea of what love is about. I guess we all agree that it is not a matter of letting somebody love you. So it appears that for her love is about HER letting people to have feelings... . like a form of control that she needs over other people feelings.

The second quote, is somewhat on the same lines... . she say she loves you and relates it to how you treated her. No words on how she would like to treat you in the future, or how she would have done things differently. In other words it seems she is mostly concerned about what she can receive rather than what she can give.

The third quote instead is mostly about you. The fact that no word has been said about getting back is not totally relevant. What is relevant is that you thought about it. And if I understand you correctly, inside of you, you would be open to such outcome even if you did not say a word about it.

And this is what I would recommend to think about.

Would you go back with her if she indeed shows a consistent pattern and effort to take her responsibilities and to do her work?

Are you sure that the pain you had to suffer in the past would not affect the r/s?

Do you think you can trust her again, fully?

Is this for you a closure or a possible opening?

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