It's His Choice

[Kunoichi]

I am posting here in Undecided because although I am very committed to my H there is a deal breaker issue that has come up.

DH and I have been married now 18 years and he has always had an unhealthy addiction to porn in addition to other sexual issues.

I have expressed my dislike to him about the porn and of course it falls on deaf ears but 2 years ago I found something on his pc that absolutely sent me into a hysterical rage.

It was child porn. Now before everyone goes ballistic on me let me give you the dynamics of what was going on at the time. A friend of his had recently moved out of our home and H claimed he had found some DVD's one night belonging to the friend that contained child porn. My H claims he copied the DVD's because he was going to report the friend to the police and wanted proof. He claims too that he never told me about it because he knows I was sexually abused as a child and that he knew I would kill the man for having that in my home (he's right btw).

After a very long day I finally calmed down and stopped threatening to kill my H and accepted his explanation because I have never, ever suspected him of that type of behavior and have never noted any behaviors that would have made me suspicious of that. The only reason I was snooping on his pc is because I was suspicious that he was cheating on me with another woman.

Cut to April 02, 2013... .  I had become suspicious again that my hubby was stepping out on me so I hacked his computer again and what I found sent me into another hysterical rage. I found that he had been visiting websites for "pre-teen non nude models". They are disgusting sites that depict girls wearing thongs, mini-skirts, see through lace negligees etc in suggestive and provocative poses but the worst part of it is these girls are between 7 and 14 years old.

I called him and demanded he come home and we had it out big time. I demanded that he explain his way out of it this time because I now have the proof that it was HE who had visited those sites before and not the friend. I chewed him up, spit him out and chewed him up again and I asked him point blank if he had ever touched a child in a sexual manner. He swears he has never done anything like that but knowing how pwBPD can be masterful liars I am leery.

In addition to this we have a friend who has an 8 year old little girl. I asked him point blank if he had fantasies about her and he swore to heaven he has never had fantasies about her. I told him I would beat him damn near to death if he ever touched a child inappropriately and I mean that. I will saran wrap his butt to the bed when he falls asleep and then I'll wake him up beating him with a baseball bat! Then I'm calling the cops and we can BOTH go to jail!

So, this is the problem. I believe my husband is a Pedophile in addition to all of his other mental illnesses but he is NOT a child molester. YES, there is a difference www.pedophilesdontdiscriminate.com/pedophile-child-molester/

So, because he knows I am aware of what he has been doing AND that I have hacked his computer and disabled his password I have told him that if I see one more thing on his pc like that then I will leave him and never look back and I will report him to the cops. Of course this does not stop him from using other sources to view and collect the stuff but I have no control over what he does outside of my home or property.

I currently have software on his pc that he knows nothing about and it takes a screenshot every minute and records every keystroke and app on his computer. I found that he slipped up a couple of times and visited a website with "teenage non nude models", like that's any better  , but I have not yet confronted him about it. I intend to monitor his pc for a while and let him get comfortable thinking that I have forgotten about it or that I'm not really serious about my threats and see if he starts viewing and collecting again. If he does then I'm gone and he's going to jail. Period.

I love my husband and will help him any way I can but I will not tolerate him actively viewing and collecting child porn which in itself I know is illegal. Okay now you can yell at me, I'm ready but I just needed to talk this out since I have no one I can turn to and I can't deal with this by myself. I'm asking for understanding and your help but I understand that this will make you angry. It makes me angry too. And there are other issues I have not mentioned here that are related but that's for follow up discussions.

[Lady31]

Bellamina,

Wow.  You are in a very tough situation.  I take it you want your marriage to work out or that would have been enough to send you out the door.  If this assumption is correct, I think you should push for him to get some help regarding this.  If you don't, it is my opinion that you will find him continuing in this behavior.

Usually something like that doesn't just "go away" - he may struggle with it and be able to withstand some of the time, but will probably "give in" in on occasion.  Sexual perversions are VERY strong in people and can take them down hard and fast.  There is a real "hook" in any sexual perversion.  If he gets too far into it, he may fear his ability to change or withstand the urges.

I would push for getting outside help and accountablility immediately to at least give it the chance to turn in another direction.  Without that outside help proactively, I think it will just spiral down.

I pray you have the strength to do what you need to do in this situation.

[Kunoichi]

Thank you Lady31. I should have mentioned that I told him he will be going to talk therapy, which he is supposed to be doing anyway for the BiP and BPD in addition to his medications.

My husband, to me anyway, is very complicated although I know he is really no different than any other BiP/BPD sufferer. I do believe my husband has never touched a child that way but I don't know if that could occur in the future.

He has so many sexual issues it's not funny on top of the BiP, BPD and now possibly Pedophilia. I'm at my wits end and I feel like such an idiot for not listening to my gut the night I met him and never have gotten involved with him. I will NEVER ignore my gut ever again!

If anything positive could come out of this r/s it is that I am a whole lot wiser and discerning. It has also strengthened my faith in God because without him I would never have survived this marriage so far.

I know it sounds crazy and most people do not understand but, I love my husband and I want to help him in whatever ways I can. I know I can only lead him in the right direction and it is his choice to accept the help but, without someone to care about him and to at least attempt to help he will never get the help he so desperately needs. He truly has no one else because he has alienated everyone who loves him.

Please understand that I am not foolish in believing that I can save him. Like I said in my op this is a deal breaker situation. If he does not agree to therapy then I will have to leave. If I find child porn on his pc again I will leave. Period.

I have given him choices and I am allowing him to make those choices but they come with consequences. I have made this very clear to him and whether he understands or accepts it as reality is not my problem.

[Grey Kitty]

Hi Bellamina, I'm glad to see you posting here again.

I know it sounds crazy and most people do not understand but, I love my husband and I want to help him in whatever ways I can. I know I can only lead him in the right direction and it is his choice to accept the help but, without someone to care about him and to at least attempt to help he will never get the help he so desperately needs. He truly has no one else because he has alienated everyone who loves him.

Actually it sounds loving and compassionate more than it sounds crazy to me. I hope he does accept help and is able to get better too.

Right now, I'd say that the best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself.

First, because if you fall apart, you can't do anything to help anybody. If you keep yourself strong, you will have more capacity to be truly helpful.

Second, and I'm guessing on this, but I know it happened to me as well as nearly everybody else on these boards... .  you and your H have some bad dynamics going on between the two of you, probably codependent patterns. As you become more independent, you will step out of some of these patterns, and that will give him more room to grow.

For example, I saw in one of your posts saying something about how wonderful it felt just to have 10 minutes to go to the store by yourself.

Building on successes like that is a great step for you. And for him.

GK

[Kunoichi]

Hi GK!

It was a very sad realization I came to last night that I truly am a codependent. I hate it plain and simple. I am not going to make excuses and start blaming anyone for making me this way I am simply going to accept it and change it.

I know I have to take a better leadership role in this marriage and it is not going to be without it's growing pains. Hubby and I are in a love-hate r/s. I have held grudges against him for many years now and I know that is because I have felt powerless not only because of my codependency but also because of his BiP/BPD. I am in a new place emotionally now and I am ready to take back my independence and I am ready to let go of my grudges.

My H is a VERY emotionally and immature needy person and I have always been placed in a more parental role by him than a spousal role. I would like that to change but if it doesn't then I will deal with that.

As a result of my mostly parental role in H life I am allowed to cross certain boundaries of his that others are not allowed to touch. I can lead and direct him to an extent and I have learned over the years that 2 things work well with him if there is something I want him to do.

1. Let him think it was his idea all along.

2. Reverse psychology.

For example, I asked him to vacuum the living room a few days ago while I prepared supper. He made every excuse in the world why he could not, would not and did not want to vacuum so, I stopped asking and started moving things around in the lr so I could vacuum. A minute later here he came and started moving things around and he grabbed the vacuum and started vacuuming. I just finished what I was doing then walked in the kitchen with a wry smile on my face because I had gotten what I wanted from him without a fight. When he was done he said "there, I vacuumed" and he was grinning like the cat that got the canary because he was proud of himself AND he knew I had suckered him . I ever so sweetly said thank you and went back to what I was doing.

I am a very inconsistent person myself and I know that has to change ESPECIALLY with my personal boundaries. I have overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame and fear if I don't do something he wants me to do and I hate feeling that way. I think finding the child porn on his pc has empowered me because I will NOT tolerate that. That is one thing that is non negotiable in my mind and will send me out the door. I have found my strength in that but I want to continue being strong for better reasons. I want to be independent, strong and happy in healthy ways and if H remains for the journey or if he doesn't I am okay with that.

[Grey Kitty]

Bellaminia, I think you hit something really valuable here (even if it is a terrible way to find it!)

That feeling that you simply CAN'T live this way anymore really helps you find some resolve to deal things.

On the hopeful side, I think the best thing that ever happened to my marriage was when I decided that I ABSOLUTELY wasn't going to put up with the abusive behavior I'd been accepting... .  which had been getting worse... .  Strangely, the I think the realization that I had to change something gave me the strength to change the right things. Fortunately, when I started shifting away from my codependent responses, and enforcing boundaries, my wife (eventually, not immediately) stepped up herself. That was one turning point in her healing.

And yes, consistently enforcing boundaries is HARD, and yes, it works wonders! Realizing that you need to work on that is a great step.

I just searched and found out that a CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) meeting happens in my area. I figure I've still got some stuff I could work on, so I'm going to check it out. You might find one in your area. If you don't find one, Al-Anon meetings often cover the same thing pretty well; Even if you aren't involved with an alcoholic, I doubt they would turn you away!

[Kunoichi]

I am resolved to helping myself and I hope that by doing so it helps my H. I just reviewed his pc after my last post and I found some disturbing things. Not child porn thank God but searches he is doing for m4m sexual encounters and couples that swing.

I'm not about to get into all of the crap he has dragged me into sexually over the last 18 years but the swinging thing is NOT happening anymore. It will be over my dead body. I have never felt so demeaned, used, humiliated, powerless and worthless in my life than when I allowed him to drag me into that world.

He keeps me in such a state of emotional turmoil that I really cannot make decisions much less informed ones. I want to wait it out and see if he will go to therapy but how long do I wait? I refuse to have sex with him because of his possible pedophilia and his obvious sexual deviances but he hasn't asked either so how do I handle that when it eventually comes up? Do I stick it out in light of everything I have discovered now or do I simply cut my losses and walk away while I'm still somewhat emotionally and mentally intact and have a chance at a decent life  I'm only 44 so it's not like I'm ready for the grave just yet.

This is what keeps me in such a state of limbo and this is one of the things I hate about him although I know to a degree it is not his fault.

[Grey Kitty]

He keeps me in such a state of emotional turmoil that I really cannot make decisions much less informed ones. I want to wait it out and see if he will go to therapy but how long do I wait?

 I don't know how long to wait. But that emotional turmoil is costing you every day you go through it. And you probably keep thinking "Tomorrow it will better after he ... .  "

I don't know how long you've already been waiting... .  

One or two of the wisest people around here keep saying "Nothing changes without change." In other words... .  he's going to keep on doing the same things unless you start doing different things. And that is the one thing you can control--your own actions.

I refuse to have sex with him because of his possible pedophilia and his obvious sexual deviances but he hasn't asked either so how do I handle that when it eventually comes up?

I don't want to pry into something to personal... .  so answer if you feel comfortable... .  but is your refusal to have sex with him something new? As of how long ago? How soon do you expect this to become "an issue" for him?

[Kunoichi]

I'm done with this. I just posted something on my other post about his lying and denying that he is constantly looking at porn or for sexual partners. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200081.0

The no sex rule is new only a month so far and I just informed him tonight that he will NEVER be getting sex from me again.

The emotional turmoil and swinging has been going on for 18 years along with the adult porn but the child porn and the personal ads thing has just been in the last 2 years.

[KateCat]

Bellamina,

I applaud you for having the courage to post this issue. And I want to raise an issue of your personal safety:

Law enforcement agencies have become adept in searching and seizing home computers in the pursuit of child pornography file-sharers. Their visits to private homes are typically unannounced and traumatizing to all residents of the home. Even an innocent spouse with no knowledge of illegal content on the home computer is at risk of arrest. There's no warning until this happens.

Does your husband know he is putting not only himself but you at risk? Maybe he needs a heads-up regarding the urgency of getting treatment for himself. If things don't change, I would seek confidential legal counsel right away, and/or remove the computer from your home.

So sorry you are dealing with this.  :'(

[Kunoichi]

Hi KateCat,

I was terrified to post anything about this for fear someone would tell and the cops would come busting my doors down but I have no one else to turn to who can help me sort this out.

I get really scared when I see LE in our neighborhood or hear the helicopters flying and hovering overhead. I often wonder if they are doing surveillance. Maybe I'm just paranoid too

I don't think H cares if I get hurt to be honest. His wants have always trumped everyone and everything else. He denies even doing it so there really is no reason for him to care.

I think God gave this to me to deal with because he knows how strong he has made me I just wish I had more confidence in myself to handle this. I have no plans to "rescue" H, he has to figure this all out on his own from now on. I am washing my hands of him and his issues. I am only 44 years old and I have always lived my life for everyone else, it's time to live for me now.

[KateCat]

I know that any advice on this lies outside the scope of this online community. Here's all I know: a college course on Computer Search and Seizure scared me so much that I would now never let anyone borrow any laptop or maybe even internet-connected mobile device of mine. In one court case we studied, the FBI intercepted a suspect at the airport, taking him immediately into custody in front of his work colleagues; meanwhile, agents were at his home interviewing his wife, and another agent went to the high school where their son was a student, to separately interrogate him, during school hours. This is what happens now, apparently, so trying to "manage" a situation like this is playing with fire, I would think.

[Kunoichi]

I'm not well versed in the laws so I am seeking someone here at home who is to tell me what I should do.

[KateCat]

Excellent! I think anyone would need guidance on this issue in order to be safe.

[whereisthezen]

Bellamina      !

Im glad you have a boundary, we all need them!

Dealing with BPD, bipolar, sexual issues, omg what else are you dealing with? Thats a lot. I cant imagine what you're going through, just like I never imagined my situation. I can't offer much guidance but you deserve to be you, without all of the shock and awe. I havent dealt with some of your BPDs specific behaviors but Id be disgusted, hurt, shocked, losing it so to speak so if you are that is totally NORMAL. He needs serious help, out on the rable, lay your cards down in front of a therapist and go for it.

He has hurt you, endangered you, and is living a lifestyle of addiction and no self control for clearly what society has said is off limits. Does your T know about the latest event? Do tell him/her right away. You need so much care and guidance through a tough period.

Just know that you have people that care about you and your own safety. Big hugs, Im sorry you're going through this bellamina!

[Kunoichi]

Neither of us is in therapy atm although H is supposed to be. There were some mix-ups at the clinic he goes to for his meds and he never got to start.

I told him during this last episode with the porn and other stuff that I am filling out his paperwork to return to the clinic and he WILL be starting his therapy OR I am leaving. I am actually making preparations to leave him anyway but I am in a situation that I cannot control right now as far as job, money, vehicle etc.

I am taking my time and remaining status quo but with better boundaries. If he attempts to cross one of those boundaries then I will firmly remind him that I said no and I mean no.

No to him means yes and it is one thing I have never strictly enforced with him mainly because it leads to ugly fights. This time however, if it leads to an ugly fight so be it I am prepared and if it goes as far as it has in the past, with him hitting me or in some other way physically hurting me, then off to jail he will go again and he will NEVER be allowed back in my life. Period.

The days of being bullied by him are over, he will play by the same rules as everyone else or he will be out of the game. He knows right from wrong and it's time now to make him responsible for his choices.

[whereisthezen]

Bellamina,

Hope you are doing as best you can today.

Really think your quote is inspiring for a lot of us

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have ~ unknown"

Wishing you that internal sense of strength and belonging.

[Kunoichi]

Thanks Zen, if I may call you that

I am stronger than I give myself credit for most of the time and sometimes I just get sick of being strong. In this I am maintaining my strength, I am using daydreaming to help me along. I am dreaming of the life I will have free from my H issues, I am dreaming of all the things I have wanted to do in and with my life but have never been able or allowed to do.

The only dream I will never accomplish is being able to have a child BUT that does not mean I cannot be the greatest Aunt ever to my niece and nephews!

I am looking for the positives in everything instead of dwelling in the negatives. I will sink into a deeper depression than I am already if I do not start grasping the ropes of hope and hauling my fat butt out of this quagmire of filth.

Bellamina♥

[whereisthezen]

You're worth it Bellamina!

Daydreaming is a good thing, it helps make us feel what normal would be like and I think those daydreams push us to make our dreams and what we want out of life a reality.

Did you read walking on eggshells?  I did but what's even BETTER is the workbook, I got it digitally, it has all these excercises to work on you and helps one see what are the facts (so many we block them out) and helps me realize I can do whatever I chose, whatever path I want.  Hard is hard but it is possible and it is healthy.  If you can afford the workbook I recommend it.  I pick it up once a day to work on it and about an hour later I have to put it down and meditate. 

Overwhelming whether I work on myself or not, which I think Id rather work on myself and see what Ive got to work with   

Have a great day(dream) today!

[Kunoichi]

I know about the workbook just can't get it right now but that's okay plenty to learn here too and I just joined the Out of the Fog support boards which has a lot of info as well. And I am daydreaming as much as I can about my new life I'm using music as an escape too which is what I used to use all the time before I met H.

I feel like I'm being so mean to him because I have set a no sex boundary and I am acting indifferent to him no matter the situation. He knows something is up because his demeanor has changed and he is being extra helpful and amenable.

Of course I know this is all in an attempt to soothe me and lure me back into his illness but not this time. Oh no! Bellamina is on the run, even if it's just in her head for now LMAO!

[whereisthezen]

Boundaries are good! I am having a hard time getting mine well thought out!  But don't feel mean, it feels different I am sure so that you probably interpret as mean, but its not it's healthy.  That book said its vital to set boundaries with BPDs because they need them, they do better with them and learn to respect the boundaries because otherwise it would just be more of their chaos so, boundary setting is really helpful.  I need to do the same, I'm working on it! Run Bella run! 

[Kunoichi]

I know the boundaries are good for me and H and I am sticking to my guns.

I have  lot of learning to do myself and by putting boundaries in place it is teaching me HOW to respect myself and take care of myself regardless of whom I'm dealing with.

It does feel odd though to enforce them and not feel like a big meanie but that's because I have alway allowed everyone to run over me and my feelings.

My H just woke up a bit ago and I barely spoke to him. He asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing at all, I do have a bit of a headache but I'm in a great mood" he seemed put off by that and said a little gruffly"so take something" as if I have no clue what to do whatever  . He then decided he had to go into town to run an errand and then to his mother's.

He announced that he was going to "cuss his mother out" for some perceived injustice but I just kept my mouth shut, never asked why and never gave any opinion on it. Remarkably he didn't go on and on about it Now I am here at home and about to turn on my music and crank it up so I can get lost in my daydreaming of running and skipping through the meadows LMAO!

It feels GOOD not to care anymore

[whereisthezen]

Loud music then meditation, always works! 

I'm doing a lot of what you are doing, detaching from the drama.  Sometimes if I hear him ranting and he wants me to respond, I don't I've actually found myself saying I'm sorry I didn't hear you or I don't know or maybe think on it a little bit more.

Those were all new to me too.  I keep myself busy with my things, it's created a workable distance and I really needed a buffer zone, I didnt realize how exhausting and consuming it was because I was working different hours than him and when I switched back to the mornings, we were home more right around same time I realized he was having affairs (again).

Cant do much about the past, but can do everything about the future, step by step (faster with the music on

[Kunoichi]

The cheating omg the cheating. I can't stand cheaters! I have never caught my H cheating but I have always suspected him of it and my gut has churned many times telling me something was not right.

The porn, child porn and the trolling on craigslist in the "casual encounters" section is my deal breaker.

My current "zen" is Christian Kane so I am listening and singing along with his music and daydreaming of seducing him LMAO! I'm so bad, I know