What gets you painted black permanently?

[Hard Times]

I read about the recycles that BPD's characteristically go through.  My exBPDgf and I didn't go through any recycles.  We had ours moments where she'd literally run out the door of my house and stay at her apartment giving me the silent treatment for a few days.  But never any full break-ups. 

However, 4 months ago she had a major meltdown, imagined I abandoned her, and broke up with me telling me I ruined her life.  We've been NC for 4 months, or should I say she's had me on silent treatment for 4 months?  She's not made an ounce of effort in 4 months to communicate at all with me.  I'm fairly certain she has BPD (I don't use the term lightly--plus I have a prior BPD relationship in my past), but it's almost as if my current ex is an extreme case of black/white thinking, once her switch flipped, that was it for me.  She called me a monster.  I ruined her life.  She said I was a bad person. 

Does she not give a damn about me anymore?  Am I permanently painted black in her mind?  What determines the permanence of this for them?   

[fromheeltoheal]

I fell into a recycle trap with mine after we'd broken up, and it was OK for a while, but never the same.  I think the fear of abandonment drives her, she can't be alone for very long, and in a moment of fear she reconnected with me.  I got the distinct feeling that it was never about me, but about her needs, and it would never be as good as when I was 'perfect' in her eyes in the beginning.  Love is a sustainable emotion that can grow with time; with her it was all downhill once reality smashed her fantasy, once again.  I don't recommend a recycle, and regret mine; the best thing you can do is focus on you and moving forward in your life without her, if you do indeed want to end it with her, and if you even have a choice at this point.

[elessar]

if she has a need for you, she will contact you. if there is nothing you can do for her in her mind, she will never contact you. mine came back after 4.5 years. i have read stories about them coming back more than 20 years later too. go figure. permanence depends on their needs... .  not on you.

[Hard Times]

if you do indeed want to end it with her, and if you even have a choice at this point.

Recycling may not even be an option.  Initially, within a week of the meltdown I tried to talk and work things out.  She cut me out of her life completely, except for one final tirade of text messages basically making me out to be the source of all bad in her life and to tell me we were done.  I don't know if I have any choice at all without her making any sort of effort, which makes me think I'm painted black still 4 months later.  

[elessar]

for them, every time they paint you black, in their mind it is truly "permanent". thinking about it now makes me smile... .  how she would treat it as over forever... .  for a few days, weeks, months, and years.

[seeking balance]

There is no real permanence to this, pwBPD are like emotional 2 year olds ... .  you may be hated now and in 2 hours you are their best friend.

Your boundaries are the only thing you can control in this.

[LoveNotWar]

I wish I knew  would love to be permanently on his no contact list 

[charred]

I don't think its permanent... . its need based, if they decide they need you enough, can't find someone else/better at the moment, you come up on their list and are flipped back.

I was dumped by my exBPDgf... .  27+ yrs ago, and she came back... . via FB, and to my utter amazement, I still had feelings for her... .  (big mistake)... . anyway nothing good came of it, this set of go rounds (we recycled about 7 times)... . she mentioned she had been diagnosed BPD when in grad school... . by a guy she thought was great at first, but then he turned horrible and she tried to get his credentials pulled ... .  she is a piece of work, truly BPD.

Only good that might come from it (I got a divorce... . lost everything)... . but I have focused on my own issues and may reconcile one day with my exwife... . but I do think I understand why we fall for them and why it hurts so much when they dump us. I wrote it up and have posted it many times, so a good understanding of why its so painful (and feelings can last over 30 yrs... . is only upside)... . really sucks to admit that.

[bb12]

Hey Hard Times

Identical scenario here.

Any type of stress was met with sulking... .  a precursor to the eventual silent treatment used at the end.

Mine has been giving me silence for 18 months now. I stopped all that pitiful pleading about 10 months ago.

But no amount of begging had an effect. Voicemails. Emails. Text. Written letter. All for nought.

As Seeking Balance mentioned, it is a needs based disorder. My own feeling though is that kids live in the moment. 4 months might as well be a life-time ago for an emotional toddler, so whether she thinks of you at her time of need... .  or the many other people that have serviced her needs since... .  is beyond any certainty.

But like you, I am exploring why I would want my ex to make contact again. Why I want them to need me again and ring me.

Ultimately, we want a nicer ending... .  closure... .  a win/win outcome... .  because it would alleviate our own anxiety.

The silent treatment only hurts because it confirms the false belief we hold of ourselves: that we are worthless.

Challenging that belief;  Lifting your own self-esteem ; Loving yourself to the point where our ex's opinions of us do not resonnate as truth, are the keys to freedom.

Easier said than done... .  but any recycles or contact from these broken people should not be desired. Ever!

Bb12

[gettingoverit]

When they have a new replacement. They don't need you anymore, so you are now fair game to be disrespected and thrown out like trash. Be glad when this happens, it means that your time in BPD hell has come to an end.

[lhd981]

She came back into your life after 27+ years?    I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. But it goes to show you that this isn't necessarily a fleeting whim on their part.

Mine assaulted me during our "final" breakup fight (she accused me of cheating on her; which couldn't have been further from the truth - I was both shocked and offended at the allegation) - after attempting to choke me, I looked at her and assertively declared "NEVER touch me like that again". Having caved in one too many times for the sake of peace, I was genuinely proud of myself for standing my ground. Her response was a shrill "You're never seeing me again!". After washing up and waking up my house guests and likely neighbors alike (this was at around 3 in the morning) with her screaming, swearing and stomping, she tried to kick me and stormed out. Unfortunately, we had taken her car from her place to my house (roughly a 1 hour drive) and my car was still up there. Thankfully, my oldest and dearest friend came in the middle of the night at 3:30 to make the drive up to get my car with me. I was expecting the worst - windows smashed, scratched up - but instead, I see a large garbage bag hanging off my mirror. It contained all the stuffed animals and sentimental gifts I had given her throughout the relationship, along with a recent bouquet of flowers and various pictures of us. Underneath my windshield wiper was pinned a two page, handwritten note. Considering she could've only gotten there half an hour before we did, I was surprised she was able to accomplish so much. I put the note into the bag, put the bag in the trunk, and drove off - the whole time I was in utter shock, alternating from crying to feeling relieved. When I did get home, I threw the bag and note into my shed and have never as much as peeked inside it (or read the note) since. Nor do I have any inclination to.

Our mutual DropBox shared folders (for music sharing) were immediately cancelled; but curiously, the pictures she had tagged me in on FaceBook, from the night that we met at a concert, were still tagged, and still remain tagged to the day.

Since we met totally by chance at a concert in the next state over (ironically, at a place called... .   The Chance), we had no mutual friends or anything. Nor was she particularly active on Facebook or quick to friend any of my friends. It was a clean break. Though with the venom and vitriol that she spit when she was angry or raging, I'm sure I've been permanently branded a demon to her family (well, her mother was her only family, really) and all her friends (of which she did not have many). Thus, I'm not holding my breath for a comeback.

Though I'm inclined to agree with elessar; that if there's a need for you, they'll come back to you. I do have the strangest hunch, especially with the 1 year anniversary of our breakup approaching next month, that I may very well hear from her again. Knowing my luck, of course, it will probably be at some random point in the future when I least expect it. But I put nothing past her. If there's one thing I've learned from by brief but powerful experience with BPDs in my life - "the end" is rarely if ever truly permanent.

[delgato]

I was dumped by my exBPDgf... .  27+ yrs ago, and she came back... .

Seriously? 27 years?

Oh, man... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine dumped me and then found me 25 years later on Facebook.  And I fell for her all over again.  They're good at what they do.  Insidious.

[atcrossroads]

Leaving.

[bb12]

I agree with you about the bond being as strong as a parental bond

And that trauma you mention at the end is called Sanctuary Trauma, because often back in our FOO, our own abuse happened where we were meant to be safest : at home

I believe these pwBPD represent the panacea to our woes. They get us like no one else has... .   Someone gets us in the face of abusive parents / primary carers who instilled a sense that we were somehow broken or not good enough.

The treatment we receive from these pwBPD (good and bad) is strangely familiar. IMHO I believe we treat them like we would our own damaged inner child. We give them the love we wanted to be shown. And the borderline waifs especially play into this child like role.

From their side too, there is a familial bond ... .   But only at the end when they see us as the punitive parent. They get to unleash a fury at a 'parent' that they didn't get to unleash the first time around.

In my ex's case I think there was an over-indulging; spoiling mother and that he did not get to individuate properly. I represented her after the sheen of idealisation had waned.

Tricky, complex, sad stuff and I don't doubt that its effects can last 27 years

Thanks for an insightful post

Bb12

[Billa]

I've been painted black quite permanently because in his own mind I abandoned him. He was killing me day after day, but I'm the guilty one, you know. But the pain of being considered a bad person is too much to bear

[charred]

And that trauma you mention at the end is called Sanctuary Trauma, because often back in our FOO, our own abuse happened where we were meant to be safest : at home

I believe these pwBPD represent the panacea to our woes. They get us like no one else has... .   Someone gets us in the face of abusive parents / primary carers who instilled a sense that we were somehow broken or not good enough.

The treatment we receive from these pwBPD (good and bad) is strangely familiar. IMHO I believe we treat them like we would our own damaged inner child. We give them the love we wanted to be shown. And the borderline waifs especially play into this child like role.

From their side too, there is a familial bond ... .   But only at the end when they see us as the punitive parent. They get to unleash a fury at a 'parent' that they didn't get to unleash the first time around.

In my ex's case I think there was an over-indulging; spoiling mother and that he did not get to individuate properly. I represented her after the sheen of idealisation had waned.

Tricky, complex, sad stuff and I don't doubt that its effects can last 27 years

Thanks for an insightful post

Bb12

You made some good points.  All that kept me trying to understand it was that it did last so long, and normally that doesn't happen, or many of the other r/s would still have the feelings, and they didn't.

I know my exBPDgf moralized a lot... .   which over time turned to abusive behavior really.

My longest argument with my exwife was about 20 minutes... .   and we were together 22+ yrs... .   but it was fact based, and she clearly loved me, and stuck to the topic. My worst argument with my exBPDgf, which was over how she wanted me to treat my exwife/daughter... .   I cut off at 7 HOURS! And the pwBPD was furious, insulted my manhood, my ancestors, anything and everything... .   and what ended it was me realizing I didn't want to be with someone that could yell and rant and rave with no signs of caring for even 1 hour, and by 7 hours, I was disgusted with myself for being stupid enough to be in the r/s. Sadly we recycled a few times after that... .   but the conclusions stuck. My own mother is cold/aloof and barely can hug someone... . (her mother died when she was 5 and she was dumped on other relatives as her dad left for WW2... . and it traumatized her.)  To me, clearly my exBPDgf stepped in to the position and role of a mother... . with her early apparent "unconditional love"... . and I ate it up, ignored   , and put her on a pedestal... . then took a truck load of abuse when she painted me black and we recycled time and time again.

So now, a year later... . she is still trying to lure me back, she lost a lot of weight, improved her appearance and does things like send texts saying she is worried about my sister... . as she heard she was taking a month off work. Then she aggravated the mutual friend that told her so much the gal told her to "buzz off nosey"... . and then my exBPDgf was back leaving voice mail saying I had turned my sister and her good friend against her (I did absolutely nothing)... . and swearing she was done with my family... .   she blocked me on FB for a few weeks... .   then unblocked me and put up new pictures of her, professionally done ones this time, looking as alluring as possible... .   This is 31 yrs after first snagging me... .   so back to the topic... .   "What gets you painted black permanently?"... .   I want to know... .   SO I CAN DO IT!

[fromheeltoheal]

I was with my pwBPD the first time 25 years ago, and out of all my past girlfriends she's the one who always stood out, even more than my first love.  And then she found me on Facebook last year, and off we go again, same feelings, stronger this time, and I got cycled through the idealization/clinging/devaluing ringer, like we do, but this time I see it as a gift.

A BPD with someone like me, needy, susceptible, inferiority complex, defensive, anxious, creates a loaded bond, where them doing what they do wounds us to our core.  The first time she left me, and I dealt with it with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, then a lot of personal development seminars and work, then other women for the wrong reasons, finally felt I'd gotten my feet under me, then she showed up again.  This time I didn't last long and left her when I'd had enough, but it was long enough to have the same impact.  But I see things differently now, realizing finally that the way she is ripped the scab off core trauma that I never got to before, and now finally have the motivation and the clarity to face those issues head on, and stop the running.  Growth like that can be painful, but it's fruitful, and life is getting better, a lot better.  So thank you for the pain BPD, motivated by it again, and it takes what it takes.

[atcrossroads]

I've been painted black quite permanently because in his own mind I abandoned him. He was killing me day after day, but I'm the guilty one, you know. But the pain of being considered a bad person is too much to bear

This is me!  He despises me and keeps telling me so (in writing).  It's hard.

[charred]

I was with my pwBPD the first time 25 years ago, and out of all my past girlfriends she's the one who always stood out, even more than my first love.  And then she found me on Facebook last year, and off we go again, same feelings, stronger this time, and I got cycled through the idealization/clinging/devaluing ringer, like we do, but this time I see it as a gift.

A BPD with someone like me, needy, susceptible, inferiority complex, defensive, anxious, creates a loaded bond, where them doing what they do wounds us to our core.  The first time she left me, and I dealt with it with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, then a lot of personal development seminars and work, then other women for the wrong reasons, finally felt I'd gotten my feet under me, then she showed up again.  This time I didn't last long and left her when I'd had enough, but it was long enough to have the same impact.  But I see things differently now, realizing finally that the way she is ripped the scab off core trauma that I never got to before, and now finally have the motivation and the clarity to face those issues head on, and stop the running.  Growth like that can be painful, but it's fruitful, and life is getting better, a lot better.  So thank you for the pain BPD, motivated by it again, and it takes what it takes.

Pretty similar here... .   this set of go rounds I went from wimpy to ending it, and started working on myself with a T. Fifty years old and been messing with luggage from my FOO for most of it. I am starting to work toward being with my exwife again, I want my family back, and realize most of the marriage problems... .   were my fault. My pwBPD was better than a T at finding faults and beating me over the head with them. Did the schema therapy tests and have the "Reinventing your Life" book. and I have plenty to work on. Have to stop short of thanking my pwBPD... . she has devastated my life, changed the direction I was going in a horrible way... . twice now... .   and leaves a path of destruction wherever she goes... . I just want her to stay gone. She acts like Jodi Arias and scares my exwife and daughter.