getting over the moments of regrets and self doubt

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I seem to be going through moments where I feel very confident I did the right thing, and then moments where I lose all confidence in myself and feel I didn't do enough or should have done things differently.  Our relationship didn't get very far since I broke it off relatively soon.  He was (at the time I met him at least) quite low functionning. He told me almost right away he had BPD. He was incredibly clingy, was starting to exhibit flashes of jealousy and control issues, he admitted to having been addicted to major hard drugs (heroine included) in his past, but claimed to be clean now (but that definitely freaked me out). He also came to me a day after I had been a bit less responsive on text messages and told me he had cut himself, and showed me the cut on his arm which was a small scratch. This was about one month in. I was starting to have major anxiety, and everyone around me was telling me to bail.  I told him how I was feeling (that I needed to process all this and it was causing me major anxiety) and decided to take some space from him, and I gave him information on a clinic that specializes in BPD.  He then went on a self destructive rampage, but a few months later (and from all appearances) has a new great life:new girl, new best friend (he screwed over his last one), new roomate (also screwed over his last one), new job, new look even! 

Anyway, all this to say that I'm torn between whether I should have done more.  I think its clear he was trying to manipulate me and hook me in by telling me about his problems, but on the other hand, I did sense that he was very much struggling with these issues and trying to overcome them.  Unlike perhaps a lot of people with BPD, he accepted the diagnosis and said he was working on overcoming it on his own but didn't feel he was capable of going to therapy.  I feel as though he saw me as a confidant and sometimes I think I pulled the plug too fast, maybe I should have stuck it out longer, at least until his truly ugly traits came out? (I really only saw the needy, very vulnerable and very unstable side). 

I tried to maintain a friendship with him, but it was difficult.  It turned into a push and pull ordeal and we recycled.  For a while, I was doing most of the effort to contact him.  I've stopped contacting him, and as a result we've been NC for 6 weeks. I guess the NC is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is very hard to see how quickly we are dismissed, when we go through so much!

[caughtnreleased]

I seem to be going through moments where I feel very confident I did the right thing, and then moments where I lose all confidence in myself and feel I didn't do enough or should have done things differently.  Our relationship didn't get very far since I broke it off relatively soon.  He was (at the time I met him at least) quite low functionning. He told me almost right away he had BPD. He was incredibly clingy, was starting to exhibit flashes of jealousy and control issues, he admitted to having been addicted to major hard drugs (heroine included) in his past, but claimed to be clean now (but that definitely freaked me out). He also came to me a day after I had been a bit less responsive on text messages and told me he had cut himself, and showed me the cut on his arm which was a small scratch. This was about one month in. I was starting to have major anxiety, and everyone around me was telling me to bail.  I told him how I was feeling (that I needed to process all this and it was causing me major anxiety) and decided to take some space from him, and I gave him information on a clinic that specializes in BPD.  He then went on a self destructive rampage, but a few months later (and from all appearances) has a new great life:new girl, new best friend (he screwed over his last one), new roomate (also screwed over his last one), new job, new look even! 

Anyway, all this to say that I'm torn between whether I should have done more.  I think its clear he was trying to manipulate me and hook me in by telling me about his problems, but on the other hand, I did sense that he was very much struggling with these issues and trying to overcome them.  Unlike perhaps a lot of people with BPD, he accepted the diagnosis and said he was working on overcoming it on his own but didn't feel he was capable of going to therapy.  I feel as though he saw me as a confidant and sometimes I think I pulled the plug too fast, maybe I should have stuck it out longer, at least until his truly ugly traits came out? (I really only saw the needy, very vulnerable and very unstable side). 

I tried to maintain a friendship with him, but it was difficult.  It turned into a push and pull ordeal and we recycled.  For a while, I was doing most of the effort to contact him.  I've stopped contacting him, and as a result we've been NC for 6 weeks. I guess the NC is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is very hard to see how quickly we are dismissed, when we go through so much!

[turtle]

He also came to me a day after I had been a bit less responsive on text messages and told me he had cut himself, and showed me the cut on his arm which was a small scratch. This was about one month in.

Laurie99 -- THIS is enough for you to have made the decision to move on.  Anyone who says they harm themselves because of something you did or didn't do, is not someone that's safe.

  Unlike perhaps a lot of people with BPD, he accepted the diagnosis and said he was working on overcoming it on his own but didn't feel he was capable of going to therapy. 

This is a HUGE red flag.

I feel as though he saw me as a confidant and sometimes I think I pulled the plug too fast, maybe I should have stuck it out longer, at least until his truly ugly traits came out? (I really only saw the needy, very vulnerable and very unstable side). 

What "ugly traits" do you think you needed to see?  People break up all of the time over less than "needy, very vulnerable, and very unstable."  Someone who is "unstable" is not relationship material - BPD or not.

I tried to maintain a friendship with him, but it was difficult.  It turned into a push and pull ordeal and we recycled.  For a while, I was doing most of the effort to contact him.  I've stopped contacting him, and as a result we've been NC for 6 weeks. I guess the NC is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is very hard to see how quickly we are dismissed, when we go through so much!

yes... .  their dismissals are painful.  They often reel us in by making us feel obligated to them because of their endless problems.  Yet, when we choose not to enable them in their dysfunction, they want nothing to do with us.

Could you have done more?  Maybe.  And want would that have gotten you?  Likely, more of the pain and confusion that you're feeling now, but at a deeper level.

turtle

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you! You're right. My mind told me it was wrong, but that pit in my stomach feeling makes me doubt myself... .  I am glad I didn't get more involved.  Incidentally, when he cut himself, he didn't tell me it was because anything I had done.  Strangely enough, he'd said he didn't know why it had happenned, that he was feeling fine and then he felt badly and started to cut himself.  I automatically linked it to the fact I had not been very responsive (I had turned my phone off), since he did come running to tell me about it right after it happenned... .  anyway, that was the point where I decided I needed to get out fast!

[delgato]

I was starting to have major anxiety, and everyone around me was telling me to bail.  I told him how I was feeling (that I needed to process all this and it was causing me major anxiety) and decided to take some space from him... .  

I think that's pretty common, having anxiety being around them. I know I certainly went through that. I had kept my cool, but the cumulative effect after a while really got to me, and I finally "broke" & flipped out on her, it was making me so crazy. Not only did I pull away, but I was also pretty harsh on her which was out of character for me. And that's how I got painted black -- both go-arounds.

... .  hook me in by telling me about his problems... .  

Yep, that's how it happens. I know they're in a lot of pain & looking for somebody/something to get them out of it, but we are not professional therapists trained in BPD who are getting paid for it! Instead, we just get pulled into the sea of darkness & emptiness. It's really too much for us to handle. It's pretty scary, actually.


laurie, you did the right thing, even though it might not seem like it at times, which I still go thru sometimes, too. You cannot save them. Only they can save themselves if they truly want to work at it.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks Delgado! It really helps to read it! Deep down I know I did the right thing, but self doubt is never far behind.  I would definitely say that reading so many posts on these boards was incredibly helpful in making the decision and sticking to it. I don't know what might have happenned if he had not told me he had BPD and I had not come on these boards.  He claims he hasn't told his new girl that he has it... .  but I think it's virtually impossible for him to pass himself off as normal... .  Anyway, thanks so much for the support.  This whole experience has at least helped me learn about and understand validation, amongst other things. It's a concept that sadly was rather foreign to me! Again, its so nice to have this board.  Most of my friends can't even begin to understand this really... .  

[Changed4safety]

As is often the case here, people post things someone else needs to see at seemingly the perfect time.  Thanks for that.