Progress...

[optimismandlove]

Naively a couple of months ago when I raised the idea of my partner possibly exhibiting symptoms of BPD I thought he would share  the relief of knowing there was a "name" for the troubles that have increasingly plagued him.

Alas, how wrong I was.

Once something is told it can not be untold and that is very regrettable.

After totally cutting himself off  he descended down the path of self destructive gambling.

As hard as it was I have had to let him hit rock bottom.

I have learned to omit all references to the term "BPD" and instead refer to his "troubles".

After finally bottoming out and me reaching out to trusted colleagues of his  about his personal troubles and gambling he has negotiated with me to seek treatment as a couple with a trusted psychiatrist colleague.

For him a personal tragedy precipitated by lifelong bullying including in the workplace seems to have triggered his BPD like behaviours of emotional dysregulation, fears of abandonment etc... .

I fel we are on the cusp of a newbeginning.

We meet our T next week.

We have experienced the calmest most loving three weeks we have ever had

and have been talking a lot about his past traumas

Additionally, his estranged family are re entering his life after the disappointment of learning of his catastrophic gambling losses.

Hs mother spent last week here and it has been an amazing time of healing for us all.

Especially because he now knows unconditional love.

For the first time, he can see that despite his family knowing the extent of his troubles they have belief in him that he can turn himself back around and continue to be very high functioning in his private  life as well as in his career.

I see a psychologist who as been with me these past 3 years and knows the whole story.

She is marvelling at his progress.  That he agrees to seek help with me for the underlying triggers to the rage and gambling.

Optimism is a wonderful state of being.

I will keep you posted.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

I am glad that you are making some progress and he is more open to treatment.  I hope he sticks with it.  Please do keep us posted! 

[raindancer]

optimismandlove

  Optimism IS a wonderful state of being. I agree.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. 3 years ago, when our relationship started, I was briefly told my pwBPD had BPD. I didn't look into it, so I didn't understand it. There have been a lot of ups and downs since then - most I didn't understand until I recently found out what BPD is and why it affects so much of our relationship.

When I first started reading about it and then confronted my partner (and I have to say I CONFRONTED and I did not handle that well at all) I was met with what I call the black wall of hate (when he shuts off completely and then acts out self-destructively, in this case he dumped me and started looking for a new GF).

I did what you did, I let him hit rock bottom, then allowed him to open up about what he'd been through. It did open my eyes to a better understanding of his early life; and, for him, he feels like it's the first time he can trust someone to be able to talk about it.

When they open up, it does give us the opportunity to approach it from a different angle - that which we understand is easier to face and deal with. There are two people in this (they may not always recognise that), two people struggling to understand "why" (we often forget they don't understand why they do the things they do), and two people in a place of hurt trying to get better.

You and I are in the same place - our SOs have acknowledged the need for and are willing to try therapy.

My pwBPD may take ten steps back to be able to take three steps forward... .  

Yours may too... .  but it sounds like he's willing to try so that is a positive ++

It's not easy to be in this, but lately I've adopted the AA approach "one day at a time", and acknowledging the rays of sunshine after a long hurricane season... .  More storms may come, but I'll worry about them when they get here... .  

I'm optimistic and I hope you remain so too... .  

Please do keep us posted