Would be 5th anniv. today... thought I was prepared, but wasn't... heart hurts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Four years ago, I met my exBPDbf.  One year ago come May 4, I moved out while he was out of town.  We got back together in a limited way, but I still went through with my 1,000 mile move.  We still had a bond, and when I went back to visit friends, we rekindled in Oct.  In Dec., on the anniversary of my beloved father's passing, we talked and formally ended it.  We still felt very close, and he helped me through losing my 19-year-old cat to cancer (which claimed my father.)

About a month ago, he said he wanted to talk to me on AIM, and that he was still "head over heels in love" with me.  I replied: 

"You are very important to me. I would not see you in any pain, but I fear that what I have to say is going to hurt you. I cannot be what you want me to be; I've only just started exploring what I need to about myself, and the more I look, the more there is to learn. I'm not ready to be in a relationship, not with you, not with anyone... .  I'm not sure what to say."

He replied with:

"You've already said it. You don't want me, and nothing I can say is going to change that.  I just need to accept that you and I are ... .    not going to have anything again.

But I do need to at least say some of these things, or they'll haunt me."  He then said some incredibly beautiful things:  "You're all I think about, night and day. You're the first thing I think about every morning, and the last I think about when I finally fall asleep at night. I spend my waking hours missing you, but not just you, I miss the "us"... .  I know now that I don't want anyone else, because they're not you. I don't love anyone else, because they're not you. We were so good in so many ways, and though we were bad in others we have both learned how to grow. We have learned about ourselves and how to live and be happy. I feel very strongly that can continue within the context of a relationship, and I very strongly want that person to be you.

I

ME: What you have said is so beautiful. I'm not sure what to say, how to respond.

HIM: You don't have to. Not right this moment. I just... .    All of these things have been weighing on me for a while, and I just needed to get them out. To tell you everything in my soul.

I kept it to myself because I thought, "Maybe you're just being silly, and you'll get over it." But I never got over it. The feelings just kept growing, day by day, month by month. They never lessened and I realized that I just had to get it out and tell you.

ME: *nods* I understand. Thank you

HIM: For what it's worth, I wasn't expecting you to come leaping back from my arms. I only wanted to provide a jumping off point. I believe you are 'the one.' I would follow you the ends of the earth. I will always be yours. I will always love you. Nothing will change that. All you ever have to do is say the word, and I would drop everything to come to you."

He said he would give me some space, but he had to say those things. He would wait for me to contact him.  Two days later, I sent this:

"So I've had some time (and a lot of sleep) to think about our conversation the other day.  I was really scared and worried at first, but as time went on and I sat and prayed with an open heart on it, I lost the fear and worry... .  And from this place, I speak to you only, ever with love, only, ever with a desire for what is best for each of us as individuals on our quest in this life.

I am beginning an excavation long denied; that of myself.  Only recently, in the last month or two, did I even realize there was a "me" there that was not comprised of what my mother wanted me to be, what I wanted to appear as, what other people wanted from me.  My whole life, I was seeking a man in order to become that which would please him... .  This is a process barely begun, and I am loving it, and wish to explore it more... .  We have grown, yes, but only a little, I at least to not have the healthy habits down strongly enough to open to the love of a partner, not yet. 

I love and so cherish this new space we found over the last few months--where we could speak freely without fear, without expectations, just simple pure love and wanting the best for each other, and willing to let the other grow in the way he or she needed to.  I would like to keep that love... .  Perhaps you will meet me where I am with a full heart, and we can continue to love one another as friends who have shared things profoundly.  Perhaps a long time from now when our work on ourselves is down, this sweet ocean that will bear us safely now will send us back together... .  I know good things lie ahead for you, be open to the mysteries and the sudden unexpected gifts.  Love, light, blessings surround you, dear one."

My business took me back to where he lived, and we met up for dinner.  It was wonderful to see him.  I didn't feel afraid of him at all, something I had felt for many years (He was very violent verbally and physically, breaking things, threatening suicide, screaming, and choked me on 3 different occasions).  I felt so much love, different from the romantic, but real. 

He told me that the day after he got my note, a girl who had contacted him via an online dating site a couple months ago looked him up again.  They had gone out 3 times in ten days.  He said that he was taking it slow, that he told her he didn't want a one-night stand or a "RELATIONSHIP."  At this time, this didn't bother me, though I did think to myself, "Well, THAT didn't take long."  (He had cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship, and I know he has said he "can't be alone." 

But he seemed to be doing really well, and posted on his FB that for the first time he felt happy just to have friends, felt positive about getting a job, happy without being manic (he has bipolar II.)  I texted him inquiring if there was something specific that had broken (he hinted there was) and he sent me a text listing some unexpected good things and ended with "and some nice things were said by my lady friend."

And it hit me like a punch in the gut.  20 mins later he said he had cut and pasted the comment and realized belatedly that the last comment probably wasn't the best thing to send me.  I said I wasn't expecting to see that, but I guess I should have been, and he reaffirmed he was keeping things casual, the first time in his life, and he thought that was good, and I agreed.

This really affected me.  Saw my therapist yesterday, was feeling good.  Went to farmer's market today, felt great.  Came home and I realized that I was expecting some kind of contact from him today, along the lines of "Although we are not together, I am still glad we met."  Nothing.  He is chattering on FB like all is well.  And something in me broke.  I desperately want to contact him, tell HIM that, because I do still  love him, I just can't be with him.  It hurts to feel replaced.  It hurts SO BAD.  I've been sobbing and sobbing, and I feel so lost.  I wonder if I made a mistaking saying "no", I am upset that I can't rise above it and be glad he's found someone, I wonder if I just lost five years of my life and an obscene amount of money (I paid for EVERYTHING).  I know it was unhealthy in the extreme, but that just doesn't matter right now.  I just miss him so, so much, and all I can remember now is how in love with him I was at first, and how I do know he loved me too.   :'(

[Changed4safety]

Four years ago, I met my exBPDbf.  One year ago come May 4, I moved out while he was out of town.  We got back together in a limited way, but I still went through with my 1,000 mile move.  We still had a bond, and when I went back to visit friends, we rekindled in Oct.  In Dec., on the anniversary of my beloved father's passing, we talked and formally ended it.  We still felt very close, and he helped me through losing my 19-year-old cat to cancer (which claimed my father.)

About a month ago, he said he wanted to talk to me on AIM, and that he was still "head over heels in love" with me.  I replied: 

"You are very important to me. I would not see you in any pain, but I fear that what I have to say is going to hurt you. I cannot be what you want me to be; I've only just started exploring what I need to about myself, and the more I look, the more there is to learn. I'm not ready to be in a relationship, not with you, not with anyone... .  I'm not sure what to say."

He replied with:

"You've already said it. You don't want me, and nothing I can say is going to change that.  I just need to accept that you and I are ... .    not going to have anything again.

But I do need to at least say some of these things, or they'll haunt me."  He then said some incredibly beautiful things:  "You're all I think about, night and day. You're the first thing I think about every morning, and the last I think about when I finally fall asleep at night. I spend my waking hours missing you, but not just you, I miss the "us"... .  I know now that I don't want anyone else, because they're not you. I don't love anyone else, because they're not you. We were so good in so many ways, and though we were bad in others we have both learned how to grow. We have learned about ourselves and how to live and be happy. I feel very strongly that can continue within the context of a relationship, and I very strongly want that person to be you.

I

ME: What you have said is so beautiful. I'm not sure what to say, how to respond.

HIM: You don't have to. Not right this moment. I just... .    All of these things have been weighing on me for a while, and I just needed to get them out. To tell you everything in my soul.

I kept it to myself because I thought, "Maybe you're just being silly, and you'll get over it." But I never got over it. The feelings just kept growing, day by day, month by month. They never lessened and I realized that I just had to get it out and tell you.

ME: *nods* I understand. Thank you

HIM: For what it's worth, I wasn't expecting you to come leaping back from my arms. I only wanted to provide a jumping off point. I believe you are 'the one.' I would follow you the ends of the earth. I will always be yours. I will always love you. Nothing will change that. All you ever have to do is say the word, and I would drop everything to come to you."

He said he would give me some space, but he had to say those things. He would wait for me to contact him.  Two days later, I sent this:

"So I've had some time (and a lot of sleep) to think about our conversation the other day.  I was really scared and worried at first, but as time went on and I sat and prayed with an open heart on it, I lost the fear and worry... .  And from this place, I speak to you only, ever with love, only, ever with a desire for what is best for each of us as individuals on our quest in this life.

I am beginning an excavation long denied; that of myself.  Only recently, in the last month or two, did I even realize there was a "me" there that was not comprised of what my mother wanted me to be, what I wanted to appear as, what other people wanted from me.  My whole life, I was seeking a man in order to become that which would please him... .  This is a process barely begun, and I am loving it, and wish to explore it more... .  We have grown, yes, but only a little, I at least to not have the healthy habits down strongly enough to open to the love of a partner, not yet. 

I love and so cherish this new space we found over the last few months--where we could speak freely without fear, without expectations, just simple pure love and wanting the best for each other, and willing to let the other grow in the way he or she needed to.  I would like to keep that love... .  Perhaps you will meet me where I am with a full heart, and we can continue to love one another as friends who have shared things profoundly.  Perhaps a long time from now when our work on ourselves is down, this sweet ocean that will bear us safely now will send us back together... .  I know good things lie ahead for you, be open to the mysteries and the sudden unexpected gifts.  Love, light, blessings surround you, dear one."

My business took me back to where he lived, and we met up for dinner.  It was wonderful to see him.  I didn't feel afraid of him at all, something I had felt for many years (He was very violent verbally and physically, breaking things, threatening suicide, screaming, and choked me on 3 different occasions).  I felt so much love, different from the romantic, but real. 

He told me that the day after he got my note, a girl who had contacted him via an online dating site a couple months ago looked him up again.  They had gone out 3 times in ten days.  He said that he was taking it slow, that he told her he didn't want a one-night stand or a "RELATIONSHIP."  At this time, this didn't bother me, though I did think to myself, "Well, THAT didn't take long."  (He had cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship, and I know he has said he "can't be alone." 

But he seemed to be doing really well, and posted on his FB that for the first time he felt happy just to have friends, felt positive about getting a job, happy without being manic (he has bipolar II.)  I texted him inquiring if there was something specific that had broken (he hinted there was) and he sent me a text listing some unexpected good things and ended with "and some nice things were said by my lady friend."

And it hit me like a punch in the gut.  20 mins later he said he had cut and pasted the comment and realized belatedly that the last comment probably wasn't the best thing to send me.  I said I wasn't expecting to see that, but I guess I should have been, and he reaffirmed he was keeping things casual, the first time in his life, and he thought that was good, and I agreed.

This really affected me.  Saw my therapist yesterday, was feeling good.  Went to farmer's market today, felt great.  Came home and I realized that I was expecting some kind of contact from him today, along the lines of "Although we are not together, I am still glad we met."  Nothing.  He is chattering on FB like all is well.  And something in me broke.  I desperately want to contact him, tell HIM that, because I do still  love him, I just can't be with him.  It hurts to feel replaced.  It hurts SO BAD.  I've been sobbing and sobbing, and I feel so lost.  I wonder if I made a mistaking saying "no", I am upset that I can't rise above it and be glad he's found someone, I wonder if I just lost five years of my life and an obscene amount of money (I paid for EVERYTHING).  I know it was unhealthy in the extreme, but that just doesn't matter right now.  I just miss him so, so much, and all I can remember now is how in love with him I was at first, and how I do know he loved me too.   :'(

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are hurting changed4safety.

contact does tend to open everything back up and before we know it, we have expectations, are hurt and desperate for their love... .  I have done this cycle and I have watched it here many times.

Let's get to your wise mind; these emotions you are having - logically, how would you describe them?

[Changed4safety]

I'm not sure one can logically describe feelings, but I can take a stab at their roots.

I've never left anyone I was in love with.  I left because I had to, not because I wanted to.  My safety was in jeopardy.  I feel very guilty, because he was trying hard, but I think it was too little too late.

I am wrestling with the early lessons instilled in me that I had to "get a man" in order to have any worth.  I am feeling abandoned, which makes no logical sense as I am the one who left and said "no" to the relationship four times over the course of a year. 

I am feeling devalued by him finding someone immediately afterward, it makes me think that I wasted four years plus of my life, lost $100,000 in paying to take care of him, and I never meant anything at all. 

I am wanting reassurance that I AM still loved, that I AM still valued, and that we will have a strong and beautiful connection regardless. 

I have initiated breakups before, but most of the time I was treated very poorly and "dumped."  So much so that my mom would always say "What did you do?" and my father, who was a good and gentle man (protected me from my alcoholic mother when I was a child) and so I know he was making an innocent play on words and not equating me to trash, called me the "dumpster."

I feel like an addict who wants the "hit."  This is not only its own awful, anguishing thing, but I am disappointed because I was doing such a good job of being happy despite not having the relationship, losing my father, recently losing my only companion my cat, and being a freelancer whose counted-on job for the year has been "put on hold" for six months and counting. 

[Changed4safety]

I have to talk to him--I'm still paying for his phone, even though I moved out over a year ago.  He is trying to get a job and money is tight, yet he goes to hockey games and a brewpub at least once a week and now has a girl who, presumably (unlike me) is not paying for everything for him since they've just met.  My money is VERY tight, mainly because of four years of him.  He got my email about the situation and wants to talk.    I have a finite amount in the bank, and I REFUSE to ask my WIDOWED MOTHER for financial help because my ex boyfriend doesn't want to pay his phone bill.

We'd been getting along so well--realized that my meltdown yesterday is my issue, not anything he's done--and I just hate that I didn't have the gumption to get this resolved at an earlier time.