how to sort out reasonable expectations in r/s?

[jedicloak]

Someone raised this important issue on another thread... .  but I thought I would start this topic on it's own... .  

I am wanting to present my needs, but I also realize I can't control her doing those things, SO I am trying to figure out what are the consequences going to be if she chooses not to meet my needs... .  ?

Is it a deal breaker? Should my needs be deal breakers? Am I being too difficult?

Do I state the consequences up front - that way she knows what the choice is?

Am I being too petty to have a desire to have a wife that contributes in someway to the finances  of the household, even if that means getting SSI or disability?

I say no. Is it too petty to ask her to not stop her medication when the result is severe emotional dysregulation?

I could go on and on here... .  would love thoughts of you all. Thank you.

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[hithere]

Is it a deal breaker? Should my needs be deal breakers? Am I being too difficult?

I doubt anyone with BPD will meet many or most of your needs, therefore making it a deal-breaker is not a good idea if you intend on staying.

I think everyone deserves to convey and expect many if not most of their needs to be met by a person they are in a loving relationship with but with a BPD these expectations will simply cause rage and ultimately disappointment. 

From what I see in the staying board posts; you will need to have minimal expectations from you BPD partner and you will need to take care of your own needs.

[whereisthezen]

Sadly I think Hithere is right.

Even if your SO agreed to your needs, if stress or illness changed, you wouldn't get your needs met if the BPD is pronounced.

So you may end up with 0-90% of the time getting your needs met. Its unpredictable, BPD, so you cant count on being satisfied unless they really work at it with help.

Take care of you first.

[briefcase]

Its really up to you to decide your deal breaking boundaries.  Think it through.  If she doesn't apply for disability, will you really leave her?  Try not to use boundaries as a way to force her to do things.  They are to protect you, not punish her (not saying that's what you are doing). 

You can communicate your needs to her using DEARMAN, if you want her to meet some of your needs.  I would start with this - just expressing your needs and asking her if she can do something to help you meet them.  I would leave the "consquences" out for now.  It will likely be seen as a threat.   

[dickL]

uBPDw of 35 yrs is totally engulfed by her own problems and has had little time for my or our handicapped adult son  needs for years . set boundaries carefully.