feeling lonely | still some heartbreak after 2 years, I wanna be ok

[CVA]

its has been some time since I have visited the forums, They helped so much during the critical times of detaching and leaving my BPD wife.

I got invloved in another relationship, months after.  Looking back I know it was a distraction from my healing, and being that the new woman was treating me alot better , it was safe and comforting to me... .  

I recently broke it off with the new woman after a yea1/2 dating,, turns out she has similiar behavior, from childhood trauma, and molestation from step father,  needless to say as soon as i found this out i becane concered and well, was not going to put myself through that anymore.  I had enough from previous, and the new woman wanted to get married. I know I was not ready, and to be honest i was not comfortable with her behavior... .

where I am at now, is,  I am like grieving things from my marriage still... .  its been like two years. I have memories and wake up an d just lose it, crying,, I can only think that these things memories have been locked away, and i have not delt with them,, Kinda like my newet relatioship was NOVACAIN for me,, and now that its been over now for 2 months with the new woman, I am processing old baggage, ,, its been painful, and i feel alone. terribly alone.

just want to know if there are others of you good people, who have had maybe similar experience.  trying to move on from the past, only to at times feel like it was just yesterday... .

my heart breaks today again... . eyes filled with tears, as i think of the lost love I once had and the memories i shared with her to lead me into marriage... .  I tell myself its ok,, its just old garbage and emotions that we not delt with and im ok... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi CVA,

It's very brave of you to post this, it's very moving and my heart goes out to you.  You are okay, and it's okay to want to medicate the pain, I think that is part of being human.  I am only a year out of my BPD relationship, but our lives were not merged at all, like yours were in marriage.  I haven't dated anyone, and frankly, I'm a bit apprehensive about it because I'm afraid I'll repeat the same kind of pattern.

It looks like the recovery process can be postponed, but not cancelled     We are here for you.  You've taken that step of posting here and I think that is awesome.

heartandwhole

[maria1]

HI CVA

It sounds like you have taken a huge and brave step forward recognising where you are and where you've been. I wonder whether my relationships, including BPD one have all been an attempt to divert mysel;f away from the devastation I felt at the end of my 13 year r/s with my children's father. I thought I was over it but I don't think I'd fully grieved trhe loss of the dream of a happy family.

But we were never a happy family and now I see that I was never in a happy family when I was a child, not really. So I'm grieving all sorts of things and have been diverting myself away from that all my life.

Please go easy on yourself. I know this is hard and painful work. I hope you stay here with us and keep posting.

[seeking balance]

its has been some time since I have visited the forums, They helped so much during the critical times of detaching and leaving my BPD wife.

I got invloved in another relationship, months after.  Looking back I know it was a distraction from my healing, and being that the new woman was treating me alot better , it was safe and comforting to me... .  

I recently broke it off with the new woman after a yea1/2 dating,, turns out she has similiar behavior, from childhood trauma, and molestation from step father,  needless to say as soon as i found this out i becane concered and well, was not going to put myself through that anymore.  I had enough from previous, and the new woman wanted to get married. I know I was not ready, and to be honest i was not comfortable with her behavior... .

where I am at now, is,  I am like grieving things from my marriage still... .  its been like two years. I have memories and wake up an d just lose it, crying,, I can only think that these things memories have been locked away, and i have not delt with them,, Kinda like my newet relatioship was NOVACAIN for me,, and now that its been over now for 2 months with the new woman, I am processing old baggage, ,, its been painful, and i feel alone. terribly alone.

just want to know if there are others of you good people, who have had maybe similar experience.  trying to move on from the past, only to at times feel like it was just yesterday... .

my heart breaks today again... . eyes filled with tears, as i think of the lost love I once had and the memories i shared with her to lead me into marriage... .  I tell myself its ok,, its just old garbage and emotions that we not delt with and im ok... .

Hi CVA,

I remember your struggles and have to say that you coming here and posting this will hopefully shed light for so many who want to go into a different relationship before finishing the grief process.

You are a strong, kind man - and letting yourself go through these emotions - you will attract the right person next time.  It is ok to cry and grieve and it should take some time... .  if you loved someone (and I know you loved your exw), it takes time to grieve their loss.

What kinds of things do you do for you - things that make you feel stronger in who you are?

Peace,

SB

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi CVA, I just wanted to say I appreciate your courage and honesty and I offer my support.  I am still fairly fresh out of relationship with my ex and I notice a pull in me to stay connected with someone so I don't have to feel everything, although I have felt quite a bit. 

I think the tendency to go right into another relationship is very strong.  I've done it myself more than once, but I seem to get back into the same pattern.  I'm working on changing that, but it is hard.  I wish you the best.  Stay strong.

[CVA]

Thank you all to have responded!

It means alot, to me.

The lastest relationship was really a distraction. I mean it was nice to have someone just want to hold your hand, and cuddle with you or just let you cry. it was hard to say NO. Even when I knew I was not ready, and told her, We would hang out i could not resist fingers being run threw my hair.   remember crying sometime when she would leave. because I wanted her to be my XBPDW.  As time passed after a year. I was doing better. and it became more about my current relationship and making it work.

My XBPDW did try to contact me last XMAS via phone. I did not recongnize her voice at first. then i was stunned. she said she still had feelings for me. and wanted to come see me here at the beach... . I live 6 hours away. i could not believe what i was hearing. I told her how mad i was and hurt, she insisted on coming to see me, and that she would move and that the reason she was calling was for deeper healing for herself!. Then poof after she had a little opening in me and me actually considering seeing her to get some closer, she does a 180... . all within a week,  She did have this story about she had a dream and we had a child a daughter and we named her RIO. She was referring to when she said she had a miscarriage of our child when we reunited after her year long of her being gone. I and others knew this not to be true becuause we ONLY had sex 10 days prior. Anyway, it really got to me alot, the whole baby thing... . How she would tell the story over and over to me, and gets upset when i dont believe her. WHY do they do that.? its wrong!   I at times feel a sadness about that and belueve if it was true how could i forgive myself.

when i finally had her on the phone again I asked her if she stiil was in love with me... . There was a long pause... . then a slow  NOO.

I said to her, to never attempt to call me again and it was goodbye... .


Why am i writing all this? I guess i just need to purge! 

So back to the recent... . relationship... .  

She was kind,  but depressed alot, she just moved here and lost some friends she moved here with. and well her reltionship with her father was NULL, and her mom, they did not speak... . I know that may happen at times with family, but when i was not focused on my garbage, and i would ask her about hers, she would clam up, or not want to share  say that she did not trust me, or i would use it against her.  !   . and the cycle started, i noticed she would pull her eyelashes out! some kinda trauma thing,. ?  begins with a "T"  .  but she was kind... . so i continued on with her... . we worked together alot as wedding photographers. I liked that about her as we had the same passion with photography and working weddings.She became my second shooter and really did alot for me, I kinda honestly became dependent on her.

As time went on, she became really emotinally needy, and would start fights out of nowhere, and then would avoid issues , when i would confront her about her behavior and sudden ill will towards me. I was have flash backs, and became more concerned. that i was in another similar dysfunction relation.  our fights frequented, then i was being called a abuser and such, and she would start to throw my XBPDW in my face. and things started to dysnetegrate from there. 

So I made the choice to end it... .    this happend a few time throught out the course of the last 6 months of our relationship... .   I would have break ups from break ups... . it seemed... .  Howvere I cound not stay away... . I become dependent on her.  it was like a marriage just not married... .

So this break up has been hard... . in terms of... . Im on my own.  i really have no friends here, as since my XBPDW i have spent all my days with the latest relationship. 

I have seemed to set myself up. for this., and well ALOT of old wounds are surfacing, and feelings of alone. and the thought of how the latest ended in a bad weird way.  Even though i was the one that ended it... . she kinda turned it around and played as if he was ending it and that I am a abusive man towards her, and outlandish accusations and say to me she would never get back with me, and the was being critical and condensending towards me... . ... . So thats the latest.

[CVA]

Oh ya, one huge huge thing... . The whole deflection attitude. I would be intorduced to so much deflection from my recent, RS, that i would get so frustrated i would want to tear my own arm off. It was awful.  I would say to myself, BOY i really am going down the wrong path to healing and joyfulness in this relationshp. I knew then I would not marry her.

I am really not trying to be hard on myself here.

I just want to get my life back on track before all this BPD stuff found me.

[turtle]

Hi CVA!

Well... .  sounds like the last six months have been very topsy turvy for you.

I'm sorry this second break up has been so hard on you.  When we get into another relationship before we've dealt with the residue of the old one, we rarely pick a healthy person.  And if, by some miracle we do, they might not want to stick around because we aren't healthy for THEM.

Your gf sounds like she's troubled, but so were you.  That makes it hard for things to really work out.

Now that you're on your own again, how do you want to move forward?  What can you do to help yourself deal with the residue of your exwife and this current gf, so that you'll be in a healthier place with all of that?

turtle

[CVA]

I been seeing a counslor now for a few weeks,  it has been good progress.  i plan to continue and work through the hard stuff.,  i hope to join a mens group at church, and to just post here and start again... . I know I am in a better place than I was before. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Bravo for taking some positive steps towards your recovery.  I recently started seeing a new therapist who know a lot about BPD.  One day at a time.  Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel.  It's going to be OK.   

[CVA]

yes it is!