high functioning vs low functioning?

[caughtnreleased]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but... .  this is just a question I've been struggling with since my BPD ex was pretty low functioning when I met him.  Who do you think is more destructive, the high functioning ones, the low functioning or both equally?  And who has a higher chance of recovery between the low functioning and high functioning BPDs? Can low functionings transition to high functioning and vice versa?  From my experience, and reading on this board, I think I may have come to the conclusion that high functioning BPDs may be more destructive since they can pull the wool over your eyes, whereas the low functioning ones just lose it before they can really pull you in.  Any thoughts?

[Want2know]

There is a post that one of our members made regarding high functioning vs. low functioning. 

I'm going to shock you with this- but there is no such thing as a "high functioning Borderline." There, is, however, a thing called projective identification- and that comes from you and is projected on to *them.* Your wants, your dreams, your ethics, your morals. Your "ideal" has been projected on to this person who so cleverly mirrored you to the point that you were first attracted to yourself.

You wanted to believe that the mirrored personage you saw actually believed in everything you believed in.  That they would never hurt you and they were upstanding, "high functioning" citizens.  Good people who would do no harm. That they would hold you safe and secure- knowing that they were very, very lucky to have found you and you would follow the path to happiness together.

It seems silly when you think about it- to say that high functioning Borderlines are different that low functioning Borderlines. They aren't. Borderline is an attachment disorder. It is a disorder of perception- their perception of you as well as your perception of them. Bottom line, MIS-PERCEPTION. There's no way of getting around this- it is what it is- so stop projecting YOUR ethics and morals on to someone who doesn't have them memorized and incorporated within their own self.

This "high ranking" categorization is only a way to create cognitive dissonance on your part. www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance "Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously." They didn't have problems at the start of the relationship, but after awhile, you did see some things, but perhaps that was swept under the rug as your way of selling yourself on the sure thing. A "low" Borderline, you figured, would have given you cause to run.  Maybe with a low borderline you would have never gotten involved. A "high" ranking was trickier... .  But like I said, Borderline is Borderline- mirroring is mirroring.  This "high functioning" statement is only your way of holding on to hope. Cognitive dissonance is your way of being biased against Borderline because you wish and hope for the fantasy of this "high functioning" partnership to come true.

"The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance." So that means you'll do whatever it takes to reduce holding conflicting ideas simultaneously.  That means you will say to yourself, oh- this person couldn't possibly be Borderline- they are too successful. This gives you hope that whatever problems they may have are attributed to work stress. This dissonance keeps you allowing the behavior in non-questionable functionality.  Hey, they're high functioning at work, so it must mean they re successful? right? Wrong. (You don't know what goes on at work.)  What you need to give weight to is- how they behave with YOU.

This bias you have is another way for the malignant optimism (the cancer of hope) to eat you away until there's nothing left of you. You see, this person that you projected your own personality upon wasn't high functioning at all. But you wanted them to be. This person is actually a Borderline in a high functioning job, appearing successful- but upon closer inspection, not really successful. It was just your projective identification on to them- plus maybe a little bit of protective altruism on your part when you found out that they needed some help.

Borderline is a hidden disorder. You dont see it right away. It's hidden until it's outed in odd behavior that doesn't make much sense, especially for someone "high functioning."  That in itself is a huge red flag.  Unknown to you, that first or second time you saw red flags, you overlooked them- and you overlooked them because you had projected much on to your partner of a personality much like your own- because *that was what was mirrored back* to you.

If you looked closer you'd see a trail of tears left behind from other people who also were mirrored. That trail probably was kept hidden until it was unearthed by you in a fishing expedition. Then it was used to hook you in as a better, more qualified suitor, or worse, an armchair psychologist- but it's all choreographed.  Others have walked in your footsteps before you and failed- but do not feel a false sense of satisfaction from that. You will eventually have the same outcome. High functioning, low functioning- it's all the same disorder.

Borderline is the cause of every mis-perception to have about this idealization.  The idealization began with mirroring, your cognitive dissonance and your eventual projective identification of yourself on to your partner.  It is Borderline Cause and effect. This sequence you'll have to confront.  You'll also have to accept that your idealization was *of yourself* and who you were with the Borderline, rather than who the Borderline was- so you've got to quit displacing the good onto her (and repeating the compulsion to make it work between you.) and turn the displacement of good onto yourself.  The person you really need to consider high functioning is yourself.  Hopefully, you'll realize that this Borderline person was not who you thought they were (p.s. you thought they were you) and you actually were involved with a chameleon who mimicked you.  That may seem high functioning and clever, but it's actually pretty low.

Let them go. They are chameleons- they will move on and focus on someone else. This is your only hope for a new life and new day. Grieve and adjust to this loss and remember, much of this is of your own making. It is your hopes and dreams and dignity that were projected on to someone who wanted it from you, mirrored you- but hadn't a clue as to how to hold on to it because they dont know how.  These hopes, dreams and dignity cannot be shared with this person anymore without dysfunction (dishonesty) on their part- so it's time to take all of it back. 

Be safe and take care of yourself first.   

Many people use these terms as a starting point to discuss the situation they experienced.

Hope this helps shine some light on your question.

[LoveNotWar]

I always thought of my exBPDh as high functioning because his social and adaptive behaviors out there in the real world were high. He was charming, sweet and my friends all called him a rock star when I introduced them. He was super smart, had a successful career and a pretty active social life.

And I'm not sure a r/s with any BPD leaves any partner unscathed. Every PW/BPD has unique qualities... . they aren't all exactly the same... .  so of course some may be more difficult than others to deal with. But none of us have escaped without some hurt.

[Chazz]

Great repost, Want2know. Thank you.

[leftbehind]

Very helpful post, Want2know, thanks.

[BlushAndBashful]

I really couldn't tell you which is more destructive. As far as seeking help, I don't think my HF ex ever really will. As long as he's not in a regular, traditional, committed r/s, he's incredibly stable, can hold down a job, etc. I don't think he will ever hit "rock bottom" or have any motivation to change.

For me, I feel it was more destructive- because I would like to think that I would have run like a bat out of Hell if I would have encountered any of the LF stuff. I didn't have an inkling that there was anything wrong with him for quite a few years.  I honestly just thought I was going crazy.

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH has a twin brother.  I believe his twin also has BPD.  The brother has not worked for more than 20 years, has been married 4 times, is a hypochondriac, etc.  I knew his brother was "off" from the moment I met him.  I was married to my x for 30+ years.  We married when we were 20.  We met in college, so I knew no one from his past.  There was no trail of x's.  My x retired successfully from a 20 yr. military career and now holds a high paying job.  He has never been unemployed.  Actually he has been sought after in his field.  In retrospect, there were warning signs, but not much of what many of you describe with the conflicts.  The overt behavior didn't become a constant presence toward me until after he left me.  In the 2 yrs. since, I have experienced much of what many of you post.  If there is no such thing as "high-functioning" or "low-functioning," then can anyone explain the difference between these twin brothers?  I have considered this after discovering BPD, and the main difference between them seems to be me.  Could mirroring me have been the difference between one twin being successful career-wise, and the other not?  I should mention that my x has become an alcoholic in the last few years while his twin prefers prescription drugs for self-medication.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Wow... .  Want2Know that was an intense post for me. It makes that dissonance in my brain stand out like a sore thumb. On one hand, I'm proud that I treat people I love so well that when she mirrored me I completely fell for her, and how kind she was- no, how kind I am. At the same time it makes me sick to think there was nobody inside of her except for this frightened girl that only knew how to copy my traits to keep me around and in love. I've never had a ton of love for myself, maybe some deep seeded low self-esteem issues myself, but to think I could fall in love with myself really makes my head hurt. Even now with some LC with her in the last few weeks, I could see the mirroring so blatantly. She uses patterns of speech and sayings I use, she describes her life like I describe my own, she uses the exact same words as me to describe things even. Yet she won't confront her disorder when I talk about it, even though she made the choice to tell me about it when we started our relationship. But maybe even that was me mirroring my honesty about things in my own past. I still find myself missing her though. It wasn't all a mirror I guess... .  she had her own little quirks and things about her I loved so much. But the kind treatment, the no arguing, even in the face of break-up and betrayal that there was no harshness... .  that all that was because of that I actually was that way and not her, just makes me sick. The ex before her with BPD was nothing like her. She was a victim and a rager. No mirroring at all. If anything, her rage rubbed off on me at some points in arguments where I acted out with things I said almost like her. Dunno if this has helped or set me back... .  but at least it's eye opening.

[Want2know]

Wow... .  Want2Know that was an intense post for me. It makes that dissonance in my brain stand out like a sore thumb.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the only terms that I learned in college that has stayed with me through the years (that, and the Purkinje shift - go figure!  ).  It is a valuable concept not only for what Laurie is asking, but for many of the internal conflicts that we experience and talk about on our site.

Glad the repost has helped.

[caughtnreleased]

Wow! Thanks for that repost want2know. It's really interesting.  When I met my ex he was quite low functioning. Drugs, recovering from a serious self inflicted back injury, what I now understand were cigarette burns on the back of his hands, and working as a bus boy two nights a week.  I remember thinking how incredibly conflicted I was about him: I liked him so much and the connection was really intense (he was incredibly kind, interesting, charming, good looking and intelligent), but his life was such a mess it was hard for me to project myself with him.  While we were dating, he kept saying that he wanted to work on his career, and that it was the most important thing for him at the time (I have a good career, and it was something we had talked about). He kept working on the job hunt (incidentally I was also on the job hunt at the time), and after I broke it off with him (indeed he was not relationship material) he landed a good job with really good future prospects, cleaned himself up, and has what would appear to be a steady relationship with someone new which he his broadcasting about on facebook. It's like in a couple months he went from low functioning to high functioning.  But now I understand it's all about our perceptions of them and what we consider to be acceptable vs not acceptable. I am so tempted to think: oh great, look he got a steady job, it's stabilized his life, he must be doing a lot better.  And maybe it's true... .  but I think I now know what the odds on that are... .  

[hithere]

I am guessing low functioning more to themselves and high functioning more to others (although their personal lives are usually a disaster).

[ramble on]

I think the high functioning ones are more destructive in the long term and low functioning in the short term. High functioning BPD traits are at least in my case subtle, devious, more thought out, sporadic, just strange enough that it makes one wonder what is going on. But not so strange that makes a non go whoa! With a low functioning one episodes and actions are more pronounced, clearly off the wall, and usually entail immediate negative results. I relate low functioning to that of an acute injury, it really hurts right away, you know that you have injured yourself, it will take something to fix the injury but it won't take too long to heal. A high functioning BPD is like a chronic disease, you may not know you are even ill or hurt at first, you know something is going on but not sure what, there is no real pattern to the symptoms, you ignore or don't recognize changes in your well being, eventually you seek out help because you know something is not right,and find out that you have been harbouring something serious and because of ignoring the signs and symptoms you have now have major damage that may never heal or at least will take a long time to heal.

I may be wrong but it seems like people who come here fall into two catagories. Low functioning BPD's seem to cause major grief for their partners in the first couple of years of the relationship. Usually caused by some major bizarre behaviour that is easily seen. High functioning BPD's seem to go for years before the non finally throws up their hands and says "I just can't take it anymore" "what is going on" "what am I doing"

Month and a half to go before I am free from my "high functioning, waif/queen with other co-morbid disorders at various levels of severity soon to be ex after 25 years.  I can hardly wait for the healing to begin.

[seeking balance]

I remember the first time I read that post by 2010 and boy, what a reality check.  The BPD traits are the traits - no doubt about it!

IMO - when we think of the ones that seem to function with jobs, society, etc - I think they tend to show the traditional NPD traits as well.  Many pwBPD are co-morbid with other diagnosis - as such the one that function "higher" tend to fall into NPD traits.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Ramble,

Actually it was the reverse for me. My low-functioning ex and I made it 5 years, but I healed faster due to the insanity of it all. The high-functioning one I knew 10 months, went out for 4, but she really broke my heart bad. I'm still not over it nearly 2 months later.

[WillSurvive420]

one of the last times i saw my ex... .  she asked me in a depressed manner... .  "what did you mean when you told me im not the girl i thought you were." i told her you appreciated and admired me at first. you worshiped the ground i walk on... .  Now you disrespect me and are very mean... .  youre different... .  i thought she was sweet and innocent... .  I was the one that was sweet and innocent in reality.