BPD girlfriend, need help urgently

[crawler]

Hello everyone. 

I already did some writing on the "New Members" sub-forum and the user "heartandwhole" recommended that I come here for additional help and guidance.

You can see my topic on the following link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200620.0

I've covered my situation there and "heartandwhole" additionally asked some questions, so I guess it's easier to just link you to that topic than write everything here again. If anyone has further questions, I'll answer them promptly. Or if you want me to re-write the whole story, I'll do that too, I'm feeling quite desperate at the moment.

Atm I'm mainly wondering whether I am correct when I suspect that the cause of all those mentioned problems is her BPD? And what can I do now, to help both her and myself, since I have no intention on backing out and letting her wilt. Her actions and words made me doubt my own reasoning and I feel the weight of the guilt she tossed at me, so I'm feeling nothing short of depressed for letting her down, although some part of me knows that I'm not to blame. It's all just so confusing.

Thanks to anyone who steps up with any sort of advice or words, they will all be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shatra]

Hi---

  WELCOME. I read your iinitial post. The jealousy she is feeling is common among pwBPD, even if she initally denied it (and encouraged you to have contact with your ex, or seemed supportive of it)---her true feelings emerged later.

     You wrote

she reacts extremely to any sort of sudden or unexpected change of plans, whether with sadness or rage.

   Is this due to feeling lost or insecure? Does a change of plans signal a potential "abandonment" to her? Is she trying to have control (vs not having someone else "control" things by changing plans). I have heard of pwBPD reacting strongly to changes in plans. Why do you think it bothers her so much?

Shatra

[crawler]

Thanks for the reply!

Recently we had a discussion about those unexpected changes of plans. Basically, we had to go somewhere at 5 PM, but somewhat overslept during an afternoon nap and we woke up at 5:10 PM. She went nuts. She says that she needs things under control, setting her mind to go at 5 PM for instance. If she goes later, then she is unprepared of what might happen. I remember her saying that she "fears that a plane will crash into her head".

I guess it might be a fear of not having things under control, since most of her life (and still in fact) she has been under strict control of a narcissist mother (my partner's sister being the "golden daughter"

An additional thing is that my partner usually freaks out when we have to go out almost 99% of the time. Rare are the occasions when we are getting ready to go out of the house and that she isn't getting depressed, agitated by her looks or changing clothing 5 times.

[cska]

Brother, I feel you. I read your initial post. If I take your story, and substitute your name with my name, that will be my story, down to every minute detail (minus the long distance part).

You are correct, pwBPD are skilled at manipulating your thoughts, so you will suffer from overwhelming guilt, even if you have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! Yes, her issues do stem from her BPD. From your post, it seems like you exhibit co-dependent behaviour (as do I). You want to give everything you can to her, and you forget about your own needs.

The jealousy, being upset over plan changes, mood swings, being extremely angry at you over minute things, I've been through it all. It hurts a lot, i know  :'(

There isn't anything you can do about her mood swings. And neither can she. When things go bad, and you feel like the ground underneath your feet is slipping, remind yourself that you're not going crazy. Many people around the world are caught up in the BPD dance, and feel EXACTLY what you are feeling. I know it sounds almost impossible, but try to distract yourself. Is there anything that you can throw yourself at to feel better? Work? School? Talk to people, friends, family, it really helps.

Also, read these articles on co-dependency/BPD. They helped me when I felt like my life was over when my BPD gf ignores me/screams at me/leaves me/accuses me of being the worst person to ever walk the Earth etc. ctc.

Good luck  

[crawler]

cska, thank you for your response. It means a lot to me, especially to see that I'm not alone and someone telling me that I'm not going mad. At the moment it's just one half of me telling me that I am the piece of ___ that hurt her, but then there's the other half of me that feels somewhat used and doesn't want to give up on her. It's so mind boggling. So thank you for the words 

Thanks for the reading material, I will surely check into it. And yes, I also believe that I am strongly co-dependent, although I am looking into somehow changing that part of myself.

Weirdly enough, reading this forum has made me feel better (and worse, I have to say), so it's keeping me distracted. Also, talking to my brother, why initially mentioned to me that my partner might have BPD.

But no matter what I do now, my mind is trying to figure out what to do next. How to beat or go around her ultimatum? Do I try to confront her with thinking that she has BPD and how? I'm just over-flooded with questions at the moment and I feel the need to act quickly, because I know she is suffering greatly and that makes me horrified.

[cska]

Crawler,

I know you feel like you need to act quickly, but keep in mind that she has been dealing with her BPD all her life. She has gone through the same patterns in her previous relationships (romantic AND non-romantic) and even though she may convey that this is the worst she has ever felt, and that she will never feel ok, she DOES have the tools to deal with it.

Of course, she is in pain and turmoil, but she also hypes up her feelings in order to manipulate you. Its a   wonderful manipulation technique, to be honest. It leaves you feeling like a complete jerk, and the guilt simply overwhelms you.

pwBPD are survivors. Your gf will be ok.

If I may ask, what was her ultimatum?

[cska]

Here is a thread from this site that I think you'll find VEEERY useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[crawler]

cska,

I know she will handle it, but as you most likely know yourself, seeing someone whom you love being in pain is dreadful. I wouldn't wish such a state of being on my worst enemy, let alone the woman I love  :'(

I stated her ultimatum in the original post, so here is a copy/paste of that:

She set up an ultimatum for me: that I should learn from my mistakes, that I need to acknowledge that I broke her and that I stop breaking promises. She is guilt-tripping me to the maximum and basically she threw all the weight of the relationship on me. She will "wait for me", but won't talk to me until I "understand what I did".

In other words, play along with the manipulation or not. I'm being told that playing along would be emotional suicide on my part, so I really wonder what I can do to avoid this. Is signalling to her that she might have a PD a viable option? If I admit my own weaknesses (co-dependency for instance), would she?

Thanks for the link, I'll definitely read into it!

[cska]

Crawler,

I know, its impossible to look at someone you love in pain and not have your heart cringe. But you have to realize that you're dealing with someone who is mentally ill. What she is going through is not your fault. She wants you "understand" your mistakes. But again, she is mentally ill, she distorts reality. She is unable to lead the relationship, so you have to take the lead. Ask yourself, do you really want to be accused of something you are completely innocent of, and then plead guilty to it? That is what she's asking you to do.

The biggest thing in dealing w/ pwBPD is setting and affirming your boundaries. pwBPD have absolutely no sense of boundaries. If you have done nothing wrong, say it. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to "learn from your mistakes" even if you haven't done anything wrong?

You might think that if you give in "just this once" everything will be fine. But she will just come up with more and more ultimatums. I was in the same situation. You mentioned that your gf gets upset if plans change. My gf did the same thing. One time we planned to go somewhere together, but I had to take my mom to the hospital. And she got upset at that. This just goes on to say that pwBPD have no sense of boundaries. You have to make boundaries and defend them.

Be strong crawler, hang in the buddy

[crawler]

cska,

your words are very helpful and encouraging, thank you for that.

What worries me now is that we both discussed the cause of the problem (that summer "incident" with the ex) numerous of times before. And whichever approach I took, she slapped me down with arguments and I would end up being wrong. I tried to be honest. It didn't work. I tried to tell her there were no hidden intentions and it didn't mean anything. It didn't work. I tried to tell her that all she had to do was just tell me not to do that. It didn't work. I semi-accepted the responsibility for my actions, it also didn't work. She is so solid and strong in her arguments that she is truly making me believe that I actually did something untrustworthy and that I really blew the whole relationship to bits. Ever since the first discussion about that I am on the brink of believing that she is right! It is true that we do fight a lot, about the most random things, but she seems to always connect our fights with what happened that summer and insists that I "break my promises" with not being able to not make her angry, not showing enough love, etc.

I'll try to be strong, but I'm yet to figure out how to approach her now and how to maintaint some sort of normality, least I go insane. Just breaking that ultimatum and hinting therapy will be so hard.

[arabella]

hi crawler!

Have you had a chance to read through the Lessons linked over on the right side of your screen? Lesson #3 addresses 'tools' that I think you might find very helpful in trying to communicate with your gf. The biggest thing you can do for her is to validate her feelings. You are right - it is a huge step backward to agree with things that aren't true. That would make you dishonest and pwBPD already have trust issues! As we like to say around here: do not validate the invalid. Don't take responsibility for things that are not your fault. That said, you can validate that your gf feels that way.

For example:

You: Sweetie, I know some of our plans haven't worked out the way I thought they would. I know how important it is to you to have things under control. It must have been really upsetting for you when x happened.

Her: It was your fault! You broke your promise to me!

You: I know that you really wanted x. I am trying to make this work. I understand how frustrated you must be right now. I try very hard not to break my promises to you because I know how important they are. I really want you to feel better about things.

Her: Well, if you wouldn't break your promises and if I could trust you then I would feel better.

You: I will always do my best to keep my promises. It is important to me too. What could I do now that would help you to trust me?

Her: Admit that everything was your fault then.

You: I know that I haven't always responded in the best ways to things. I am working on improving myself so that we can be happier together.

ETC.

What do you think? In the example you are validating how she feels but you aren't taking on responsibility for her feelings, nor are you accepting blame. You are telling the truth but also showing that you hear what she is saying and that how she feels is important to you.

Another important thing to learn is how to 'detach with love.' It doesn't mean you stop caring, it means that you stop internalizing her criticisms. She is 'gaslighting' you. i.e. She is saying and doing things to make you think that you're the problem, or that it's you who has the distorted thinking. Step back and critically analyze the situation. Do not buy into the dysregulated thinking patterns.

But no matter what I do now, my mind is trying to figure out what to do next. How to beat or go around her ultimatum? Do I try to confront her with thinking that she has BPD and how? I'm just over-flooded with questions at the moment and I feel the need to act quickly, because I know she is suffering greatly and that makes me horrified.

You can't "beat" the ultimatum. You can't win this game. She's already said she'll wait for you - that means she's waiting. She's baiting you. She wants you to give in. Don't do it. You'll just be setting yourself up to play this game over and over again. Figure out a way for her to make a graceful exit but do NOT play the game.

We don't recommend telling people that they have BPD. It generally does not go over well at all. While to us nons it makes sense to want to know, you have to remember that pwBPD... .  well, they have BPD! Part of the disorder is denial. You telling them they have BPD can be very triggering and it often causes further dysregulation and can result in a breakdown in the r/s. The person begins to not trust you - after all, you are accusing them of having a serious mental disorder so that, in their mind, you'll look better! You want to be 'right' so you tell them they're 'crazy' - very manipulative of you.  If you want her to examine this issue, it is best done by someone who is trained to treat BPD - a professional therapist or medical team. Getting her to see a T will be hard, yes. You could maybe look into resources in her area - many women with BPD also have eating disorders so that's one approach to take in convincing her to see someone (just don't mention the BPD part).

[crawler]

Hey arabella 

I am yet to read the those lessons. Today I was just consumed with the sheer amount of information I found in various topics here, so I've been reading those. Been here the entire day and half the night, my head is starting to hurt to be honest haha.

The thing you mention about validating her feelings and not taking responsibility for the feelings is a very interesting point. It's a simple word game, but can come out very strong. Thanks for that suggestion! It is interesting to think about. One of her main "problems" is that she feels like I don't love her enough or that she is not important to me anymore. Should I try to validate these feelings in the same manner then?

What do you exactly mean by "detaching with love"? Are you referring to just the action of avoiding conflict via just not participating in talking about them? I think I read about something similar here, but my brain is pressured by all the info.

What would the graceful exit be in our situation? And how would I lead her to it? Not "respecting" her ultimatum is a complete blockade towards reaching her. That's why I say that I have to figure out a way around the blockade, since I am well aware that I shouldn't accept it in any way.

The weird thing is that I think that she would be more willing to go to a therapist on the grounds of maybe having a BPD than having an ED. The latter freaks her out completely and she tends to get a panic attack if there is mention of someone taking away her ED while she lives in her parent's home. At a few occasions, she asked me openly whether I think she has a BPD. Was this just a mind game or did she really want an open answer?

Sorry for spamming you with questions now, I'm happy that you decided to reach out!

[cska]

Hey arabella 

I am yet to read the those lessons. Today I was just consumed with the sheer amount of information I found in various topics here, so I've been reading those. Been here the entire day and half the night, my head is starting to hurt to be honest haha.

The thing you mention about validating her feelings and not taking responsibility for the feelings is a very interesting point. It's a simple word game, but can come out very strong. Thanks for that suggestion! It is interesting to think about. One of her main "problems" is that she feels like I don't love her enough or that she is not important to me anymore. Should I try to validate these feelings in the same manner then?

What do you exactly mean by "detaching with love"? Are you referring to just the action of avoiding conflict via just not participating in talking about them? I think I read about something similar here, but my brain is pressured by all the info.

What would the graceful exit be in our situation? And how would I lead her to it? Not "respecting" her ultimatum is a complete blockade towards reaching her. That's why I say that I have to figure out a way around the blockade, since I am well aware that I shouldn't accept it in any way.

The weird thing is that I think that she would be more willing to go to a therapist on the grounds of maybe having a BPD than having an ED. The latter freaks her out completely and she tends to get a panic attack if there is mention of someone taking away her ED while she lives in her parent's home. At a few occasions, she asked me openly whether I think she has a BPD. Was this just a mind game or did she really want an open answer?

Sorry for spamming you with questions now, I'm happy that you decided to reach out!

[Grey Kitty]

I am yet to read the those lessons. Today I was just consumed with the sheer amount of information I found in various topics here, so I've been reading those. Been here the entire day and half the night, my head is starting to hurt to be honest haha.

 That brings back memories. I think I was on this site for two days straight when I first found it and found out about BPD! Don't worry... .  pretty quickly you will have a mental framework for this stuff. Asking about a specific question, or telling a specific story with a "what next?" is good instead--You will get specific thoughts and advice back... .  and maybe a link to one or two things to read from the lessons instead of the whole thing!

As for your ultimatum, I don't think you can answer it directly in a useful fashion--she is asking you to basically apologize for something you didn't do.

I would suggest that you try to validate her feelings when something like this comes up. That is hard to do, but it will work better than a direct answer. In the lessons we have a workshop on validation... .  here is a link: COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

[cska]

Oops, I tried to get a quote from your response, but I quoted the whole thing accidentally.

One of her main "problems" is that she feels like I don't love her enough or that she is not important to me anymore. Should I try to validate these feelings in the same manner then?

That's a very important thing that you should do. pwBPD need constant validation, and you reassuring her is very important to her. Even if it may seem like she doesn't pay attention to your reassuring statements.

As for the "blockade", this is tricky. I agree with arabella, acknowledge that you understand that she is upset, reassure her that you love her, but don't give in to her attempts to make you the one who is guilty. Its hard, but this is the first step to taking a lead in the relationship.

So this is in essence a boundary that you're setting. You're not allowing her to make you feel responsible/guilty for things that you didn't do.

But you have to be prepared to uphold and defend your boundary. You have to be prepared to get the silent treatment, and threats of her braking up with you forever. And that's hard, It was one of the most painful things that have happened to me.  But you have to be strong, otherwise she will drag you into her mind games which are a catch-22. You will never come out of them as a winner. If you don't set boundaries and uphold them, you'll always be in a lose-lose situation.

[crawler]

@Grey Kitty

Thanks for the link, going to check it out right away. So much reading to do!

@cska

During 90% of our relationship I've been faced with silent treatments at times, as well as outbursts when she would threaten to break up. I'm kind of used to it by now, although it keeps upsetting me of course. This situation is the most cataclysmic one though.

I think a challenge will be to learn to avoid those conflicts, since I feel that I also have to become a master manipulator in order to tame her. Hopefully reading up on those validation techniques will help me out.

[arabella]

I think the key is to actually avoid manipulation. Unless you consider telling the truth, staying calm, and focusing on your own issues 'manipulation'.

I recommend starting with the lessons. I know there is a TON to read on this site, but a lot of the threads and the talk that you'll hear assume that you have already read the lessons (like the one Grey Kitty so helpfully linked to on validation). It should make digesting the other info easier.

One of her main "problems" is that she feels like I don't love her enough or that she is not important to me anymore. Should I try to validate these feelings in the same manner then?

Yes, you can validate these feelings without agreeing with them. You will probably find that consistant validation makes her feel like she is more important to you as well.

Detaching with love means that you don't engage in conflict and you don't internalize her criticisms. Walk away (hang up) if she starts to rage. Don't take what she says personally. The 'with love' part means that you aren't storming off or slamming down the phone or invalidating her feelings. You are kind and gentle, i.e. loving, but are removing yourself from the line of fire. Does that make sense?

A graceful exit... .  Hmm... .  Can you get around the blockade by telling her you want to talk to her about her concerns (via the tumblr account)? Then try to use the tools (make sure you read the lessons and have a good grasp before you start!) to talk her down from her ledge? A graceful exit allows her to feel like she didn't just 'give in' to you. So maybe you 'admit' that you didn't fully understand what she was saying before, that you understand you weren't as receptive as you could have been, that you realized you needed to work on some of your own issues. Just don't get too specific here - all of these things are actually true, you're just referring to learning to use the tools here and working on some basic codependency skills. Probably not what she has in mind, but that doesn't really matter, the outcome is the same - she feels heard and validated and you have learned how to best handle the r/s. You'll probably want to expand on these ideas, but you catch the drift.

If she already suspects that she has BPD I would go ahead and validate that too. Again, without necessarily agreeing with her. Maybe something along the lines of, "Well, you know yourself best. That is a possibility. The doctors at that study you enrolled in suggested that too, didn't they? Do you think maybe you would feel better if you explored this with a doctor now and got a more firm diagnosis?" You would be showing that you heard her without diagnosing her yourself. It points her in the right direction without making you responsible for her actions or choices.

Bear in mind, all of this is just my opinion - others may have different feedback! Do what makes sense to you. Above all, don't rush in and don't panic!

[Auspicious]

Yes, you can validate these feelings without agreeing with them. You will probably find that consistant validation makes her feel like she is more important to you as well.

[crawler]

arabella, thanks again for the longish reply. I'll have to re-read it again and will reply to it later.

I'm kind of in a rush now to post something else, since there has been a tiny bit of "development" in the entire situation. Last night I took some time for myself and played an online game I usually play, which I also tend to play with my partner. Somewhere between playing the game and reading this forum, I saw on her page that she isn't doing well, so I decided to send her a tiny message. Just that I'm concerned for her and that I'm taking some time to work on things since I understand what was bothering her and what she find important.(maybe I shouldn't have?)

I got a reply that I should "just go and play my game again and make her feel more left out". I thought it out carefully and I replied with:

I see why you feel that way, it's understandable. I would too. These few days and yesterday in particular I've been trying hard to arrange my thoughts,so I just needed to pause. And I get it that everything seems upsetting now and that I haven't been responsive,but I'm working on it to improve things and that you feel better again. I would really like to start afresh soon. Would you like us handling it so?

The only reply which I got was: "no, bye"

a. Were my actions wrong? First with sending a message at all?

b. Was my reply bad? I'm still learning to implement the things I'm reading here, so I'm curious whether I'm using the new knowledge properly.

c. Can this way of handling things be considered setting boundaries in the future on my behalf? I validated her feelings, but justified that I need my time out as well without getting into an argument with her.

d. Why such a reply from her? Is she surprised and putting up a guard now that I am maybe talking in a way that would suit her more? Or was my approach that off?

I didn't reply anything after that.

I'm sorry that I'm spamming this thread so much, I just find talking to you people really helpful... .  and somehow therapeutic 

[bruceli]

I guess it might be a fear of not having things under control, since most of her life (and still in fact) she has been under strict control of a narcissist mother (my partner's sister being the "golden daughter"[/quote]
Yes, the have a huge fear of not being in control.  Their lives are SO out of control anxiety sets in when they are not.

[cska]

Crawler,

You didn't do anything wrong. You were concerned, and you sent her a message. And you responded in a kind, caring, loving, reassuring way. You did nothing wrong, and you have to always keep it in mind.

[Grey Kitty]

You are half-way there with this latest story. I'm assuming you meant to be validating.

Your start with expressing some concern for her when you saw she was down--good.

You mixed that in with your feelings

I'm taking some time to work on things since I understand what was bothering her and what she find important

Telling her what you are thinking or doing isn't validating to her. It isn't necessarily BAD to talk about yourself... .  but it isn't validation either. As somebody said in a thread or workshop about validation--she doesn't care what YOU are feeling. This is all about what SHE is feeling, and that you understand and recognize that.

Then when she said "just go and play my game again and make her feel more left out" that was a cue that she was hurting... .  and probably needed more validation.

Your next response mixed validation ("I see why you feel that way" with justification for your actions ("I've been trying to arrange my thoughts, so I just needed to pause", and that part was invalidating. A mix of validation and invalidation is a net negative, not a net zero, I'm sorry to say.

I don't remember the workshop, but we talk about "JADEing" here. Specifically about NOT JADEing. That stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

Every one of those things feels natural and right to do. But every one of them is invalidating to the the other person's feelings, and makes the situation worse, not better. It is a hard habit to break.

I'm not trying to beat up on you here--you are trying and learning. You will get better results if you do more. To be successful in a r/s with a pwBPD, you need to learn a whole new way of communicating. I'd be lying if I said it was easy! I know it is worth it in my life, though!

Keep working on it--you will get better!

[crawler]

@cska - thanks for the kind words, they are really motivating!

@Grey Kitty - that is a good analysis and I see what I did "wrong". I still feel that need to somehow explain myself in a non-threatening manner, guess I need to kick that out of my system when interacting with her. But as I said, the more I hang out here and talk to all of you I feel better and slowly more prepared.

I'll look into (not) JADEing for sure, thanks!

Either way, I think that although I got a "no, bye" message, something did manage to stir inside her, in a positive way. She sent me a text tonight, being all concerned for me and asking if I was okay. We ended up exchanging a few e-mails (since I didn't have enough credits on my phone to text back) and believe it or not we talked nicely. No emotions, positive or negative (although she said that she cried when she read my first e-mail, since I explained that something happened to me tonight and I wasn't really okay), but we did talk. And guess what? She even stepped up and proposed that we see each other soon and that she wants to book plane tickets for me.

I have to say that all of this hasn't been really expected, but I'm happy it happened. I don't know whether to attribute it to the applied communication techniques or something third, but I definitely won't lower my guard, now that I started making baby steps in the whole BPD issue.

But either way, really thanks to everyone for communicating with me on this, you've been a tremendous help!

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, those "I need to explain myself" habits are TOUGH to break.

Here's my mental trick that helped me:

What I want the most is to have a good relationship with my wife.

It also feels really good to be heard and validated (i.e. have somebody understand what I was thinking and feeling, and that I'm trying to be a good person, etc., etc.)

Through painful experience, I learned that when I tried to explain myself, I didn't get EITHER of those things--my wife didn't understand me, didn't validate my feelings. Instead she got upset at me. Result: zero out of two!



So I just don't try to do things that don't work... .  no matter how much I wish they would work.

Instead I just validated my wife and stopped there. Result: one out of two! Getting better!

I also found that I could at least get some validation in other places... .  this being one of them, as people here really do understand what it is like!

[crawler]

Yeah, your math seems to be well placed!

I really imagine that this habit will be extremely tough to break, especially since I as a person don't cope well with being unable to express myself or to feel injustice. But for the greater good and with a lot of practice and self-control, it is doable I presume. Just have to remain patient.

[Grey Kitty]

The thing that convinced me the most was seeing the results--The validation really did help keep my wife from having as many dysregulated episodes.

And my boundaries also kept me from taking the brunt of them.

[crawler]

Ugh, just an update, rant and some pondering.

So we actually started talking normally. She's still held back a bit, but everything went well for the last two days.

Unfortunately, it blew up today. We were going about our own business, just talking, planning which movies we will watch and then something happened at her place and she got angry. Not at me directly, but something triggered her. And then, she took it out on me saying that "now she is angry and when she is angry she remembers all the things I did to her and she hates me". I tried to talk to validate the emotions and make a normalizing statement about them, but she held her ground with a sarcastic "yeah sure". I proceeded to remove myself from the conversation and distance myself so she cools off, she didn't say a word to that.

So yeah, that. Does this sound like BPD behavior to you? Since I guess I'm still threading the ground of doubting whether I'm in the right place.

Sorry for the rant, just needed to share.

[arabella]

Yes, it sounds very much like BPD behaviour. It also sounds like you did the right thing. Validate then bow out when it becomes apparent that she needs some time to stabilize her emotional state. Good work!

[crawler]

Thank you, couldn't have done it without all of you. Still have a long way to go, since I'm pretty much still weighing whether it's BPD or is it just me being a lousy boyfriend. Just have to salute all of you who managed to master and tame this disorder... .  really takes a strong person to pull it off. 

[briefcase]

Hi Crawler, your story has some very familiar elements to all of us - it sounds like you are in the right place. 

Just remember, that as you change things up on your end of the relationship, she will react, and not always positively.  That's to be expected and something you just have to develop the strength to work through.  These tools are about making your life better - not changing her.  She may, or may not, choose to make changes in her life.  When we get started here we often see things get a little worse as we begin to live a new life with boundaries, validation, etc. For many reasons, our partners aren't comfortable with these things and can sometimes react negatively.  That's normal. 

You are doing great!