What has been your experience during divorce and BPD spouse in hater phase?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am curious if all can comment as to what you seen or experienced if you are in the divorce path of your failed BPD relationship?

My DBPDW now only will communicate via text, even if we are standing within two feet of each other.  Triangulates  with me, her text message and my email behavior that goes like this... .  Text message will read like "Update you need to read regarding a question you need to think about" check your emai.  I check my email and she has forwarded a email from her attorney that outlines the actual question.

So during the past times of her verbal abuse, raging outbursts and physical attacks with throwing things at me and hitting trying to hit my face... .  I detached walked away and I'm guessing evoked the abandonment / feat reaction.

Now those times during the last few years where I stepped back to protect myself and detached and went to counseling asking her to joint (which she would not) that action she has indicated made it tulimately clear that I was the major failure to engege in trying to try and repair or rebuild our marriage and as we moved into the divorce phase indicated that this time unlike all the other times she threatedned to file, she did. (Feeling some relief at this point)

We know this behavior is many times the norm.  Now that we are on this path... .  and from her view I am the Piece of Sh**, the cause of the failure of our marriage that she now must end... .  what it the BPD thinking that is going on with not even trying to discuss or manage the end of our marrige by basic communication?

Is there such a phase as Mega Hater Phase?

Anybody experienced anything like this as you end?

mrrlk

[NewWays]

I am curious if all can comment as to what you seen or experienced if you are in the divorce path of your failed BPD relationship?

My DBPDW now only will communicate via text, even if we are standing within two feet of each other.  Triangulates  with me, her text message and my email behavior that goes like this... .  Text message will read like "Update you need to read regarding a question you need to think about" check your emai.  I check my email and she has forwarded a email from her attorney that outlines the actual question.

So during the past times of her verbal abuse, raging outbursts and physical attacks with throwing things at me and hitting trying to hit my face... .  I detached walked away and I'm guessing evoked the abandonment / feat reaction.

Now those times during the last few years where I stepped back to protect myself and detached and went to counseling asking her to joint (which she would not) that action she has indicated made it tulimately clear that I was the major failure to engege in trying to try and repair or rebuild our marriage and as we moved into the divorce phase indicated that this time unlike all the other times she threatedned to file, she did. (Feeling some relief at this point)

We know this behavior is many times the norm.  Now that we are on this path... .  and from her view I am the Piece of Sh**, the cause of the failure of our marriage that she now must end... .  what it the BPD thinking that is going on with not even trying to discuss or manage the end of our marrige by basic communication?

Is there such a phase as Mega Hater Phase?

Anybody experienced anything like this as you end?

mrrlk

[atcrossroads]

M,

I am in this "stage" now - full on, black hatred.  I put "stage" in quotes because I obviously believe now that we are divorcing, his feelings of venom and vindictiveness toward me are permanent.  I'm having a very hard time reconciling the fact that this man loved me very well and deeply (I thought!) throughout the 10+ years we were together, and now he wants to see me suffer and burn in hell.  It's really difficult to grapple with. 

See my thread from the leaving board to see just a few of the things he's called me since I left.  Scroll down to letter.

I don't know what to tell you except to do your best to be strong and surround yourself with support.  I am hoping I will make it through and develop some resilience and growth along the way.  It's been hell.  I'm sorry!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200493.0

[NewWays]

atcrossroads... .  

I know what you are feeling.  One of the items that I keep looking back on is that all the rage, venom that started out occasionally and have become the norm... .  were given from a partner who's assessment of the value of the real you, was totally fractured.

My anger at myself on my denial is something I will be working on with further counseling.  My sense of self after we are in divorce proceedings is beginning to change... .  I can feel it.  Since we have been moving down the divorce path... .  the number and venom like comments that where directed to be have slowed way down.  I now look forward and realize that I am not the ass or total jerk or worthless partner that was commented about by her in the past.

I feel, and I think eventually you will too that you were not... .  are not... .  the bad person your partner made you out to be.  And for me the foundation and elements of what really makes a healthy relationship are items I review frequently to integrate them into my perspective as I re-focus, heal and move forward.

Add to that fact that after my wife was diagnosed... .  refused to really consider the DBT and serious therapy because her team of therapists at tone of the Midwests prestige medical schools were wrong and had no clue what they were talking about.

So be gentle to yourself and really think about... .  (I know this is hard to think about) if your partner really truly loved you at all!

The pain and the hurt you feel, like as we learn from this site is in part due to where they came from as a child.  You and I can not change or fix that.

I now know that her family or origin enviornment was not her fault... .  a father that was drunk all the time, abused IV drugs, gambled the family money away, contracted hepatitis from his IV drug abuse and the sad thing is that my wife may have also been sexually abused when she was little and her father took her to some of his card games when she was 5 or 6 years old.  That is sad... .  so very sad... .  but I now that the pain and biological factors that helped to incubate her BPD I had not way to control or fix!

I read several article from Dr. Marsha Linehan, the therapist at the University of Washington who herself early in her teens suffered from seriou BPD and was institutionalized for close to 2 years... .  went on to get her advanced degrees at the Loyola University of Chicago... .  has many articles in addition to this site that outline what we both are going through is the pattenrs of a BPD spouse and all that goes with it.  She is quick to acknowledge that it is very painful for the non-BPD partner and that many BPD partners do not seek any king of real help

So... .  I too, wish you peace and strength as you move forward as you try to get a little bit better each and every day.

mrrlk

[marbleloser]

This is standard during high conflict divorce.I mean,face it,a divorce is a lawsuit by one party against the other.You don't chat with someone you're suing.She's doing you a favor,but be careful with your email and text responses.They can be used in court against you.

I pretty much went all text and email with stbx.That way,I have everything documented and she can't lie her way around it.I also don't have to hear any verbal abuse.If she wants to be abusive,she can do it in an email.(WHich she has btw)

If we talk,it's yes,no,and simple.

[NewWays]

Marbleloser... .  

Something we all need to remember... .  your point makes clear... .  When they do move to the hater stage as you proceed through the divorce, you are now devoid of any positive personal or relationship elements you ever had... .  and... .  are the ultimate enemy!

Your comment on the verbal attacks... .  the normal verbal attacks and rage you can not hear or feel like you used to when they are sent via text!  In all that is happening at least it is nice that what used to immediately create the pain and frustration from the many, many attacks now has decreased since the days of her standing two feet away from you in a melt down rage are becoming a thng of the past.

Careful I am with very limited responses and to be sure nothing that since there is a digital trail could be used against me.

I wish you peace on your path.

mrrlk

[VeryFree]

I'm there right now: her no. 1 enemy.

She does everything she can to hit me. From holding back my personal stuff and mutual money to painting me black and filing false accusations.

Meanwhile making idiot claims for settlement, knowing that I can never agree with them and have to pay a lot more for a L ($ 5.000 now and counting, while she gets legal support for free).

[NewWays]

VeryScared... .  

It seems to part of the way this final event plays out with a spouse in this situation.

I read an article related to this process and it basically equated that the expectations as you go down this route need to be examined and re-examined to help the non BPD keep a realistic perspective versus dissappointment and frustration.  It set the view that the better you uncover what you may/should expect as you travel down the divorce path, even though it will be painful, will help you better to cope.

It offered up that if you had made the decision to move to a new city that hopefully you had done your homework on... .  and that as an example if you were moving from Arizona to Colorado and after the first night you moved there in January you woke up to 8" of snow with temperatures in the 20's... .  that your reaction to such may of be of surprise that it happened so quick rather than the fact that it happened at all, since based on your research, you had expected snow and cold temperatures in the middle of January.

I wish you peace on your path.

mrrlk

[VeryFree]

Hi mrrlk

It's all about the rest in our heads.

We know we can't expect reason from our x's.

We know we can expect the unexpected.

We know it isn't about us, but about them.

We know we will manage to build a life after.

We know it all is just a temperarely setback.

So how painfull it is: we know things will be better one day.

[NewWays]

VS... .  

Thanks for words that help to refocus... .  at the end of the day your mantra is the reality we must see!

I'm getting it!  As my dad used to say... .  repetition is the key to learning!

mrrlk

[MovingOn311]

The hater phase came out in my uBPDw the last week or so before she left me. 

We just celebrated our anniversary and spent the weekend away together.  Everything appeared to be fine and we needed the time away together as we were fighting a little bit the past month or so, but not to the seriousness as she took it.  We got back from out weekend trip, and about a month later... .  gone.  Contact went from living with her, to moving out, a couple conversations on the phone to find out why she decided to leave, and to text messages only.  I went to black in the snap of the finger at the end.  She hit me with so much projection and garbage it left me dumbfounded.  Saying I "never" paid any attention to her, "never wants to hang out with her friends" (based on one or two times I decided to stay home because I didn't feel like going out), but it was "never" according to her disillusion thought process.  Then proceeds to tell me that the time we spent for are anniversary was just ok and that I made her feel like she was a prostitute ravaging on her body.     Wow really?  Then continued to complain how I "never" do the chores around the house, how things never get done in a timely manner, how its rude that I'm never on time for anything and on and on and on.  100% my fault why the marriage failed.   The day she left, she took everyone off her friends list on facebook including people on my side of the family and everyone who we were connected with.  Gone, without the blink of an eye.  I found out she got a lawyer because of an email she sent me a couple days after she left and that the message was sent to me and her lawyer at the same time. 

I was so depressed after it happened and didn't know what hit me.  All I wanted was to sit down with her and have a face to face conversation why she left and why I wasn't part of making that decision.  Never happened.  Never got any closure, no contact after and rode out the whole divorce process.  Only closure I got was from my therapist in her exact words to me "There's nothing wrong with you, stop beating yourself up" "She has alot of issues and sounds to me that shes either narcissistic or has borderline personality disorder"  Then after talking with my friends and family, it all came out how something was "off" about her and how they thought she was crazy.

So after about 9 months out without really a peep besides going to court and finalizing the divorce, I'm in a way better place now.  If I hadn't gone to therapy and didn't read about BPD, I'd probably be still hurt about everything. 

[NewWays]

MovingOn... .  

I'm understand how you feel... .  I've been there... .  I am there... .  and it really stinks!

One thing I'm not really sure of who really has it worse... .  the nonBPD's who are thrown away by their partner wBPD... .  or those that hang in there with their BPD spouse and try / hope their BPD spouse... .  stand by and support their partner 100% and try to together navigate the long and rocky road to recovery!

The sad reality is if you become a real student on the recovery process, a victory for your spouse may many times be the partner that loses everything... .  including the recovered partner.

Many of the comprehensive studies on recovery paint a reality that warns that the changes your BPD partner must make, many times will alter their attraction to you and role of what your relationship meant in their life.

As they recover and they begin to rid themselves of their unhealthy ways... .  and much of the reading I've done points out that the relationship partner may be part of what get rid of and choose to discard.

So more than ever self care is one of your top priorities... .  Because either way there are no guarantees!

Make sure you take care of you!... .  too!

mrrlk

[spaceace]

I am able to file for divorce tomorrow. I had to wait a year according to my states rules.

During the last six months, she has been on a strict NC diet towards me... . although, we have communicated several times, where I have taken responsibility for my role in the relationship and have tried in vain to get forgiveness and to also not end with her hating me so much. But honestly, that is not for me to control. I cannot stop what my wife or anyone else thinks about me... . right... .  

But I just sent her a text today straight out asking her, is divorce the only way? Is that it after 5 years of knowing each other?

As of yet, no response... . I suppose at the end of the day, if I can come up with asking, she could come up with answering. I don't think she will though... .

[thinkcentre]

I am also in process of divorcing now.  At first it was nonstop harassment via text, phone calls and third party messages through the kids.  My husband went on a rampage when he was served with papers and made threats to kill me.  His threats (which we over the top in violent, swearing hateful language) we reported to cops by my minor daughter, who evidently was frightened.  This set in motion a police investigation, DCF investigation and a domestic violence injunction against him, which actually was a blessing in disguise for me.

Court enforced no contact has been a good thing.  It has given me peace, although the absolutely hateful things that were said about me to my children can never be taken back.  This from somebody I bent over backwards to please for over 20 years.  It was a huge wake-up call for me,   I'm dealing with a mentally unstable person. 

Someone who is this off, can't have a reasonable, sane agreement with anyone over anything.  I am hoping we don't get mired in disputes over trivial things, I have tried to head a lot of that off in the proposed settlement, which my lawyer tells me is more than fair, perhaps shortchanging myself.

I am emotionally fine with divorcing him.  We need not have any future relationship other than to be civil to each other while in the same room.  I forgive him his hatefulness, but I will never forget or trust, so we have no need to remain "friends".  It's too bad he has this disorder, but he is still a despicable piece of ****.

I wish I could forgive myself though.  I have never felt so down on myself, so angry at accepting such  crap treatment for so long, for letting my kids see it as part of their lives.  He had no trouble attracting female company, has had steady girlfriends since three weeks after we split.  HE'S A NUTJOB!  I'm fairly normal (or so I think) and I'm suffering silently alone, too pathetic, have gone on a couple of dates that were dismal.

Takeaway from this?... .  I know I'm better off alone, as pathetic and sad as I am than to be with him.  This was the most courageous thing I ever had to do, to leave him, he was happy to continue as things were.  He still doesn't get it to this day why I couldn't just go on with the way things were.

Also, I continue to hear the hateful things said about how the divorce is going, through my children, which by court order, he isn't supposed to do.  He'll always be in the hater stage.