1weeks nc but I have excuse to contact- should I?

[Scott72]

I have not contacted my ex for the longest week! I want to contact her but am fighting it. However she lives in the rented house we shared along with her daughters. I have been paying for it as the lease is in shared names and she can't afford it. The landlord is serving a notice to quit today , meaning she has to leave in 5 weeks. However if I go guarantor she can stay in a month by month basis. Probably with help from benefits.  Should I offer this? I live in hope that the common BPD action of returning to me happens, but she is adamant that she can't go back and needs to be alone. I tried to explain that it wasn't goin back, but obviously I can't reason with her. What's the chances of her returning to me? I don't want her, and the girls uprooted unnecessarily and living in a not very nice flat somewhere. Simply I want her back, but want to do best for her but also me

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[raindancer]

Scott72

A few questions for you to think about and answer in yourself

Realistically: if you choose to become guarantor you are legally bound to pay this rent if she doesn't for as long as she remains there. A year or two down the road if she has not paid the rent and you have not gotten back together, you are still responsible for paying it or the landlord can take you to court for it.

If she chooses to stay in this house and not get back together and you are guarantor:

will she pay the rent?

will you be held legally responsible indefinitely for rent?

will you be able to afford rent for both this house and yourself?

if you take on this legally binding role and she does not pay rent for a year (and does not get back together with you) where will that leave you financially? is that a situation you want to find yourself in?

will she learn anything by having you (even out of love) guarantee her rent is paid?

will it make her love you back or will it enable her to be unkind to you?

and the most important one for you to ponder - even if you do this out of love - will it bring her back to you or are you setting yourself up to be hurt (emotionally, financially)?

You don't have to answer those on here - they are very personal. Take care of you, Scott

[Vindi]

why do you have to pay for her? i think this is enabling, she is an adult and needs to work to pay her bills. If she can';t afford it, she needs to find something cheaper. Her BPD moods will not change unless she decides to get help. I just see you paying for the rent won't help the situation or make it better, its better to let go and let her pay for herself.

[briefcase]

I see two issues here - whether to contact her in an effort to get back together, and whether to guarantee her rent. 

If you want her back, I see no benefit to remaining in no contact mode.  You can feel free to contact her to see how she's doing and ask her what her living arrangements are going to be now that the landlord has given her notice.  Be a good listener and validate her emotions. 

From my persepective, paying for another person's living exepenses and rent is something reserved for only highly committed relationships - I suppose you could say that's my boundary (and maybe its not yours).  Right now, you aren't in any sort of committed relationship with her and she's telling you she doesn't want to be in one with you.  I don't think now is the time to become legally entangled with her. 

I'm sure you don't want to see her and her kids in a sub-par apartment - but that's really up to her.  Isn't it?

[Scott72]

Thanks for your replies! I would only be guarantor on a month by month basis. Briefcase your post helped thanks.  She doesnt know that this is a possibilty. By coincidence she texted me today to advice me that she is cancelling sky etc and removed me from paying her mobile phone as I requested. But there was no need for her to contact me. Can I read anything into this- her breaking nc?

[briefcase]

Try not to read too much into her actions and words - if she has BPD she has unstable moods anyway.     This is your show, not hers.  It sounds like you want to open some communication, so go ahead and reach back to her - something simple like "Thanks for letting me know.  How are you and the kids?"

See what she says - be prepared to validate any emotions she expresses.

[dickL]

uBPDw has runaway twice under the guise of getting out to find herself. an idea that sounded needed. both times it was directly to childhood soulmate, always seeking validation in a man's arms over and over . gone now for 5wks nc , won't respond to anything. i sought legal advice and was instructed to not pay any more debts or bills for her , have paid off 25k in credit cards. i love her,miss her, but i'm not making anymore efforts to communicate w/her. she is angry, in pain, and proclaimed hating me. i have handled it all wrong but am committed to understanding her illness and the effects it's had on me the last 37yrs. she'll be back , her romances have never worked . don't pay for another adults responsibilities.

[WillSurvive420]

sometimes non BPDs seem to read in between the lines almost too much... .  its hard to rationalize crazy peoples thinking patterns... .  she may come back to you... .  but she almost WILL CERTAINLY hurt you if you do that... .  im 11 days NC. broke up 3 weeks ago... .  longest month of my life... .  I wouldnt enable her... .  she doesnt appreciate you... .  find someone who would appreciate someone that put bread on the table. you deserve better than damaged goods... .  i know you want to rescue her but only God and herself can rescue her if anyone at all... .  scary disease. i suggest looking into co depdent anon meetings... .  theyve been very helpful.

[dickL]

   we have a s who survived poor prognosis for leukemia 15yrs ago . he's cured but not the same , tbi from chemo. my uBPDw and i didn't walk away , s didn't ask for cancer . i almost died in 2008 and she should of walked, but didn't.  uBPDw recently recovered a repressed memory when she was sexually molested at age 4 by a brother. i know the road ahead will be full of hurt . i have had no idea what BPD was until recently , there was something always wrong w /her emotionally. i have reacted in anger ,tried to reason w/her, very wrong. in T for last year to deal with me. first step is uBPDw needs

to get out of denial and seek the help she refuses. an analogy of a friend is i appear to be juggling running chain saws, not inaccurate .

[goldylamont]

Scott72 i would agree with a previous commenter that the issue of contacting her and of being a guarantor on her rent are two separate issues. being a guarantor on her rent would actually place you in a weaker position and allow her to use this to possibly hurt you more.

sometimes it's good to look at a worst case scenario to see if you would be ok with this. let's say worse case that your ex finds another lover, maybe moves him in, and also stops paying rent so that this falls on you. would this be a situation you'd be ok with? in my opinion becoming a guarantor on her rent, as someone else stated would actually enable her--justify her behaviors and embolden her animosities toward you.

i feel as if it would be better to see the truth of your relationship by removing yourself from the rescuer/saver role in this situation. perhaps take personal stock to see if your internal motivation for being the guarantor is a way for you to help fix the r/s? if so, it may actually make things harder since you may be pushing past your own boundaries if you had to pay for rent and the r/s was not where you wanted it to be. good luck!