My shame that I didn't leave

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've been reading a couple of articles online about recovering from emotional abuse and usually they say something along the lines of 'you had the courage to leave' and it makes me feel worse because I didn't ever get to the point of leaving.  I wanted to.  I always changed my mind - either because exH would do something/say something positive or because I didn't want to hurt him at a vulnerable time.

Late 2004 was the real start of the rollercoaster years and I remember at the time a song coming on the radio (Father and Son) that has the lyrics:

"All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,

It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.

If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know not me.

Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

I know I have to go." 

I remember locking myself in the bathroom and just sobbing (ex and kids didn't know).  I was terrified about how I felt. 

I'm struggling just now with realising how badly I have let myself be treated.  I know part of my refusing to be the one to leave was because I didn't want him to be able to say "I always said you'd leave me" and be someone who had abandoned him.  I heard so often that I had already 'left' by not being as emotionally available as he needed me to be.  Maybe I needed to know I hadn't 'given up' - but I gave up on myself by staying.

I just looked at some of my old posts - same pain years ago and yet I've reconciled several times since first coming to these Boards.  He was repeating behaviours and following a script but I feel like I have been too.

[clairedair]

I've been reading a couple of articles online about recovering from emotional abuse and usually they say something along the lines of 'you had the courage to leave' and it makes me feel worse because I didn't ever get to the point of leaving.  I wanted to.  I always changed my mind - either because exH would do something/say something positive or because I didn't want to hurt him at a vulnerable time.

Late 2004 was the real start of the rollercoaster years and I remember at the time a song coming on the radio (Father and Son) that has the lyrics:

"All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,

It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.

If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know not me.

Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

I know I have to go." 

I remember locking myself in the bathroom and just sobbing (ex and kids didn't know).  I was terrified about how I felt. 

I'm struggling just now with realising how badly I have let myself be treated.  I know part of my refusing to be the one to leave was because I didn't want him to be able to say "I always said you'd leave me" and be someone who had abandoned him.  I heard so often that I had already 'left' by not being as emotionally available as he needed me to be.  Maybe I needed to know I hadn't 'given up' - but I gave up on myself by staying.

I just looked at some of my old posts - same pain years ago and yet I've reconciled several times since first coming to these Boards.  He was repeating behaviours and following a script but I feel like I have been too.

[Cumulus]

Hi clairedair, I know that song well. The part about keeping all the things I knew inside, spoke to me also. And I think that is much of the reason I stayed so long. I was so busy being strong for him and my children that I truly had no time to really think about, consider, or talk to another person about what was going on in my life. The crisis, the moves, the trying to maintain a stable home for my kids kept my focus away from my needs.

And following a script, absolutely. He was the director, I was the actor and I played my role of peace maintainer and moderator perfectly. Why, because it prevented my children from feeling much of his wrath and scorn.

But, I did what I could with what I had. Courage takes many forms, not just the courage to leave but the greater courage to ask the hard questions afterward and to learn lessons that have been delayed, due to the situation we found ourselves in.

So what next? How do we forgive ourselves for those lost years, the ones we willingly gave up. Or did we willingly give them up?

[marbleloser]

Both of you aren't the same people as before you came here.There's a reason you found this site.You've done the work and are continuing to do it.What shame is there in that?None!

Forgiving yourself is the most difficult.I've found that we're much harder on ourselves than others are.We're human.Not perfect.

Yesterday is gone.We can't get it back,but we can make today what we want it to be.

[clairedair]

But, I did what I could with what I had. Courage takes many forms, not just the courage to leave but the greater courage to ask the hard questions afterward and to learn lessons that have been delayed, due to the situation we found ourselves in.

So what next? How do we forgive ourselves for those lost years, the ones we willingly gave up. Or did we willingly give them up?

HI Culumuls - I felt I did have courage in attempting to work on our marriage; courage in continuing to be loving and forgiving in the face of hurt but now I feel that I just enabled him.  I didn't really see myself as giving up years because at the time I was still very reluctant to consider a future where our relationship didn't work so I felt that I was (very slowly) working towards that and it would take time.  Now, it does feel like I've lost years (and money and career and physical health) because it didn't work out.  And, worse, it's obvious now that it was never going to work out after that night in late 2004.

Both of you aren't the same people as before you came here.There's a reason you found this site.You've done the work and are continuing to do it.What shame is there in that?None!

Forgiving yourself is the most difficult.I've found that we're much harder on ourselves than others are.We're human.Not perfect.

Yesterday is gone.We can't get it back,but we can make today what we want it to be.

Thanks Marbleloser - Part of why I'm angry with self at the moment (or maybe 'disappointed' is a more apt) is that I first knew about BPD years ago (ex is not diagnosed - it's just the only explanation that has made sense to me) and also that I saw a T for most of the 'rollercoaster' years.  I really did work on myself and am very proud of the changes I made and the challenges I faced up to.  I became a lot better at saying 'no' and expressing needs etc.  However, none of this seems to have prevented me from returning to a relationship that was damaging to me and also to my children.  I have a new T who is very direct - makes me uncomfortable but I think I am now ready to be pushed a little more.  She, and previous T and others, noticed very early on that I am hard on myself.  I need to listen to this rather than to the words of exH who actually got really angry when I told him the first T had said I take on too much blame (because he felt I didn't take on enough... .  )

I think that if I had left, I would have been constantly wondering "what if I had just tried a little harder; stayed a little longer... .  " whereas his leaving in the way he did and his subsequent instant engagement has made it very clear that nothing I did or didn't do would really have made a difference.  His impending wedding will be a difficult day but I am grateful that his preoccupation with new woman is giving me more space than I have had in a long time to reflect on my issues rather than trying to deal with his (which never really should have been my role).

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am a DV survivor.  I went back to my X-husband even after being slapped in public in Harvard Square (Boston).  I did not leave him by choice.  I jumped out of the idling car after having a noose tied around my neck and with a human bite on my back.  I still carry that bite mark.

It was not courage that spurred me to leave, it was sheer animal survival instinct.  If I had my wits at the time, I am sure I would have told myself that it was I who caused this behavior, I caused him to snap like that and I was responsible.

So from my personal experience, I can tell you unequivocally that it was not lack of courage that kept you from going back.  It was hope.  Hope is the most seductive of all emotions.  And you were just hopeful time after time that he would get better and see the error of his ways.

When the hope that the abuser will cease abusive behavior dies, that is when the victim is truly free to leave.

So you may accuse yourself of other things, but cowardice is definitely not one of them.

[Maryiscontrary]

Palla is correct.

[tcevans78]

Damn, Palla is right.  That really spoke to me.  Thank you.  It is true I felt such tremendous hope with my BPDx and it helps me today to realize this so I don't repeat it.  How quickly I apologize for things, and accept responsibility.  Why does this make me feel like such a good person?  (in the short term anyway).  I guess I have the idea that love/connections with people don't come that easily, and that I don't want to go throwing a good thing away just because I'm over-demanding.  But when does that cross-over to acting undeserving of respect?  I am too willing to stay it out and try harder. 

[clairedair]

So from my personal experience, I can tell you unequivocally that it was not lack of courage that kept you from going back.  It was hope.  Hope is the most seductive of all emotions.  And you were just hopeful time after time that he would get better and see the error of his ways.

When the hope that the abuser will cease abusive behavior dies, that is when the victim is truly free to leave.

So you may accuse yourself of other things, but cowardice is definitely not one of them.

Pallavirajsinghani, I am really grateful for these words.  Had me in tears - partly reading about your own dreadful experiences but also the validation that I am not a coward or totally stupid.  I did hope for so long and I realise that after the 'last straw' incident at end of last year, that hope evaporated.  That's when 'the scales fell from my eyes' and it's been like coming out of the fog.  I felt my hope was justified because things did improve slightly each time we reconciled e.g. diminishing anger; less blaming; more accountability - but in the end there was always the withdrawal of affection, a leaving and a way of somehow apologising and at same time shifting stuff back on to me and also subtly setting things up so that it was difficult to get any kind of closure/have my voice heard.

I vascillate between feeling free and really excited and then falling into despair at yet another difficult memory - so many seem to be surfacing unexpectedly.

How quickly I apologize for things, and accept responsibility.  Why does this make me feel like such a good person?  (in the short term anyway).  I guess I have the idea that love/connections with people don't come that easily, and that I don't want to go throwing a good thing away just because I'm over-demanding.  But when does that cross-over to acting undeserving of respect?  I am too willing to stay it out and try harder. 

It's an interesting question - why so quick to accept responsibility. I've been doing this and I can't decide if it was to keep the peace (easier to take the blame than prolong the 'lecture' or because I though I was trying to set an example of being mature enough to take responsiblity?  But now I feel I've apologised for things I shouldn't have apologised for or apologised over and over and over for something I should only have needed to apologise once for because I didn't repeat the mistake.  Meanwhile I let him say sorry and hurt me in same way again then say sorry then do it again... .  

[pallavirajsinghani]

It is amazing how little we expect from relationships.  At the very basic level, we should expect common courtesy:  Please and Thank you and Good Morning and Good Night.

Love is a very lofty aspiration.  Only God knows what is true black and what is true white.  Only God knows what is right and what is wrong and only God knows what is love and what is hate.  These are absolute philosophical concepts.  What do we humans know?  We know the various shades of grey that fall between such absolutes.  We know concepts like friendliness, affection, care, dislike, respect... .  etc. etc.

So before we can even begin to explore absolutes like "Love", we need to conquer the very basic fundamental foundation of all civil existence:  Which is just plain common courtesy at all times.

How quickly we decrease our expectations from other civilized beings.  How quickly we begin to justify that there are good reasons for their lack of courtesy.

I am talking about courtesy of speech, gesture, expressions:  a very simple thing like,  when you get up to get yourself a glass of water, you would as a matter of courtesy ask the others at the table,  "Can I get you all anything"?  If he is bringing in some groceries, you would get up and offer to help... .  just common ordinary stuff like that.

Rest everything in life may be negotiable, but lack of common courtesy is not acceptable at the very fundamental level.  Gor how can affection, friendliness, care and ultimately "Love" be born without this amniotic fluids?

At the very basic level, you must have peace in order to build good memories that sustain a relationship.

No courtesy, no peace... .  no relationship, no love, no good memories.

Give this basic courtesy to everyone around you... .  big and small, rich and poor... .  and then command it too in return.  You cannot arm twist anyone into being courteous... .  you can only walk away.

Once you have this foundation with a person, loving relationship will follow.

[tcevans78]

Give this basic courtesy to everyone around you... .  big and small, rich and poor... .  and then command it too in return.  You cannot arm twist anyone into being courteous... .  you can only walk away.


This is what I've needed to know for so long.  You don't stay hurt, confused, trying to figure it out, trying to forgive, help the person see the light, change, upgrade himself, better his life, whatever.  You walk away.  That is how you command it in return.  By only giving face time to those who give it to you. 

Wise words I shall henceforth strive to live by. 

[LoveNotWar]

Palla, thank you. My exBPDh was also physically abusive. He broke my arm, chased me with a hammer, tried to burn our house down. I moved out for my own safety but still I kept working with him... .  until I ended up in the hospital with a concussion and other injuries. If a neighbor hadn't called the police and I hadn't been able to escape from the house I believe he would have killed me.

I felt ashamed of the lies I told to cover for him and I felt absolutely stupid for continuing to try and work things out... .  but you are SO RIGHT I had hope! Hope that he would work with his therapist in a positive way, hope that he would learn to control his anger, hope that I  could learn and use the tools and hope that we could get better.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes it is all about the basic courtesies. Basic civility. When a Person, by habit, cannot strive to make life a little more pleasant and less stressful, they need to be shown the door. Notice the emphasis on "habit".