NOT confused, but in limbo

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I am new here, but decided even before looking for a support group that it is best to leave the r/s with my uNBPDh.  The emotional toll it has taken from me is still there, but it is just too big on my D12 and D14 to live in this distorted environment any longer... .  I am emotionally and mentally strong I thought, and also knew that I would always be his emotional crutch - but that was before the crazzzyyy kicked in... .  one person can only handle so much... .  

 

After much reading, and a little posting, I am slowly realizing that I am not as unaffected as I thought by all his craziness.  I started detaching from our r/s emotionally from about a year or so ago, deciding that I will not take anything he says or does to heart, try not to respond to accusations or impossible  requests, not take anything personally etc.  But realizing how much he belittles me, and our daughters too, and coming to grips with how much I have to endure in the way of "giving up" what is important,  just makes me realize the urgency of the matter at hand so much more.

Problem is we have to stay until I can afford to move, as I do not think he will support us without a fight - and yes you guessed it - I am financially dependent on him because he knows if I have an income I would have the option to leave... .  so I am only allowed to work for him. 

I think he knows the r/s is different, and I think he knows that I am planning to leave somewhere in the future, and i guess he is trying to avoid this for now. So at present there is no fighting, just a little craziness and even niceness towards the kids... .  it just sort of lingers beneath the surface where it is visible, but not full out.  I have discussed the imminent breakup with them, and they are o.k. with it, knowing how bad it can be/is when he is not in 'limbo mode'.  I know if I say something to ripple the water now we will have a full destructive hurricane, so this is just the calm before the storm.

This makes me very weary to actually DO something now immediately, although I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself and the girls to leave.  It is just so very very frustrating knowing that I have made the decision to leave, preparing myself for the storm coming, all the while distancing myself more and more, but without doing it so obviously that it can cause 'fight mode' in him... .  and then knowing I cannot leave until there is a stable income to take care of the kids and take them for therapy... .  

I have found a work but it is only starting next month (was supposed to start this month) where I can earn enough money to take care of us... .  so I know I should be patient and let things develop.  It is just that after so many years of feeling almost nothing inside, and not being able to make decisions, and not doing anything but worry about the kids - now I MADE the decision and want to ACT on it, but as everything in my life it is always 'hurry up and wait'... .  

And it seems even the smallest improvement in your own life is dependent on their perception and how it will affect them... .  yes always walking on eggshells.  Still always considering his feelings even though he cannot reciprocate... .  trying to make this coming break easier for him by making him like me less... .  

Is this possible, and how do I achieve this more/better - has anyone succeeded in making the ex leave you and dislike you so that you can get away?... .  

Thanks for your support and encouragement.

[SuzyQ33]

Hi all,

I am new here, but decided even before looking for a support group that it is best to leave the r/s with my uNBPDh.  The emotional toll it has taken from me is still there, but it is just too big on my D12 and D14 to live in this distorted environment any longer... .  I am emotionally and mentally strong I thought, and also knew that I would always be his emotional crutch - but that was before the crazzzyyy kicked in... .  one person can only handle so much... .  

 

After much reading, and a little posting, I am slowly realizing that I am not as unaffected as I thought by all his craziness.  I started detaching from our r/s emotionally from about a year or so ago, deciding that I will not take anything he says or does to heart, try not to respond to accusations or impossible  requests, not take anything personally etc.  But realizing how much he belittles me, and our daughters too, and coming to grips with how much I have to endure in the way of "giving up" what is important,  just makes me realize the urgency of the matter at hand so much more.

Problem is we have to stay until I can afford to move, as I do not think he will support us without a fight - and yes you guessed it - I am financially dependent on him because he knows if I have an income I would have the option to leave... .  so I am only allowed to work for him. 

I think he knows the r/s is different, and I think he knows that I am planning to leave somewhere in the future, and i guess he is trying to avoid this for now. So at present there is no fighting, just a little craziness and even niceness towards the kids... .  it just sort of lingers beneath the surface where it is visible, but not full out.  I have discussed the imminent breakup with them, and they are o.k. with it, knowing how bad it can be/is when he is not in 'limbo mode'.  I know if I say something to ripple the water now we will have a full destructive hurricane, so this is just the calm before the storm.

This makes me very weary to actually DO something now immediately, although I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself and the girls to leave.  It is just so very very frustrating knowing that I have made the decision to leave, preparing myself for the storm coming, all the while distancing myself more and more, but without doing it so obviously that it can cause 'fight mode' in him... .  and then knowing I cannot leave until there is a stable income to take care of the kids and take them for therapy... .  

I have found a work but it is only starting next month (was supposed to start this month) where I can earn enough money to take care of us... .  so I know I should be patient and let things develop.  It is just that after so many years of feeling almost nothing inside, and not being able to make decisions, and not doing anything but worry about the kids - now I MADE the decision and want to ACT on it, but as everything in my life it is always 'hurry up and wait'... .  

And it seems even the smallest improvement in your own life is dependent on their perception and how it will affect them... .  yes always walking on eggshells.  Still always considering his feelings even though he cannot reciprocate... .  trying to make this coming break easier for him by making him like me less... .  

Is this possible, and how do I achieve this more/better - has anyone succeeded in making the ex leave you and dislike you so that you can get away?... .  

Thanks for your support and encouragement.