New Counselor This Week - Need Advice

[stopltracr]

My wife and I are trying a new counselor this week.  We've had our consultation session so this is the first actual session where we can start talking about problems.  It took our last counselor a couple of years to determine that she had BPD and that a lot of the stuff she said about me wasn't true.  I'm wondering if I should email the new counselor (who knows the old one and we signed papers that they can communicate) about her BPD to save time or should I not try to sway him and see what he thinks?  All advice is welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

One, if the new counselor has contact with the old one, I assume he knows the scoop, and would act that way unless they prove otherwise.  That said... .  do you really want to go through marriage counseling with someone with BPD?  No, really.  Do you?  Until and unless she gets treatment and get the BPD resolved, all you're doing is padding the counselors bank account and wasting your/your insurance company's money. 

Period.

Marriage counseling requires that both sides know what they want and own their desires.  BPD is a condition which, among other things, self-identity is not stable.  Without a stable self-identity, everything else crumbles. 

[stopltracr]

That's very good advice.  I guess I always think about that but sometimes I get hopeful that maybe something will stick.  She's decided that we aren't going to go to counseling anyway so I didn't have to tell him anything. 

[united for now]

Can you convince her that both of you need individual counseling?

[Rockylove]

One, if the new counselor has contact with the old one, I assume he knows the scoop, and would act that way unless they prove otherwise.  That said... .  do you really want to go through marriage counseling with someone with BPD?  No, really.  Do you?  Until and unless she gets treatment and get the BPD resolved, all you're doing is padding the counselors bank account and wasting your/your insurance company's money. 

Period.

Marriage counseling requires that both sides know what they want and own their desires.  BPD is a condition which, among other things, self-identity is not stable.  Without a stable self-identity, everything else crumbles. 

This sounds very discouraging.  Is it possible that through marriage counseling that the counselor will be able to have separate sessions in addition to joint sessions?  I don't know what the policy is on that, but I think it might be something that would encourage individual counsel.  I know my fiance won't consider going on his own, but he might consider going with me.  If that would guide him into the possibility of individual sessions, I would think that would be helpful.  Any thoughts on this?

[arabella]

Is it possible that through marriage counseling that the counselor will be able to have separate sessions in addition to joint sessions?  I don't know what the policy is on that, but I think it might be something that would encourage individual counsel.  I know my fiance won't consider going on his own, but he might consider going with me.  If that would guide him into the possibility of individual sessions, I would think that would be helpful.  Any thoughts on this?

Rockylove, that was my goal with marriage counselling. I also wanted to go so that I could hear what H thought some of the problems were. So, while I wasn't aiming to have the T actually fix anything, I figured I could use it for insight and, hopefully, to lead us into individual counselling (which I've already started).

They say that the key to convincing someone to get help is to focus on what they see as problems rather than what we see. This is the main advice from the book, 'I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help', recommended often on this site. It's a good point. I can't convince my H that his thinking is twisted, but I can point out some of the things that already bother him and suggest that maybe someone could help him to fix those. For example, he wouldn't see his P when he was dissociated based on all his dysregulated moods and thinking, or because he was suddenly hating everyone he knew (including me), or because he was spending money all over the place, but he did go when I pointed out that the self-injuring behaviour had resurfaced (something I know bothers him). So I'm hoping the T can find other things that bother H, things I can work on from my end and things that will perhaps lead H to get individual sessions (not for BPD per se, but for other 'stuff' - I'll just, you know, happen to recc Ts who also specialize in BPD).

If it doesn't work, well, meh - at least I tried.

[Rockylove]

I asked because I'd inquired about some counseling and found someone local who specializes in BPD and a whole clinic about an hour away that specializes in it.  I figured the former would be my "in" as I could use this counselor for myself as well.  When I suggested counseling, my fiance said that he couldn't afford it nor could I so don't mention it again thing, but then he mentioned it again.  I think I may be able to convince him to go since I made it clear that I thought we needed it so we can learn to communicate without getting angry at each other.  He agreed that we have to work on that, so maybe there's that possibility.  If I can get him to go with me, perhaps he'll go for the individual sessions that often come with couple's counseling.  One can hope, but I'm not pushing it.  I'll go and if he never does, that's on him.  I'll feel better for going and working on my "stuff" regardless.

[arabella]

Rockylove, I think that's a great attitude to have going in. You never know until you try and, as you said, at the very least you will benefit from it.