Lonely... wanted to re-engage last night...

[flynavy]

The loneliness is the worst part for me.  As many of you now know I was married to the love of my life for 32 years... .  she passed away after a 7 year battle with Ovarian Cancer.  Most of my friends are "couple" friends.  Friends my wife and I made over the years.  My therapist warned me that it will not be the same with these friends... .  although not intentional, there  was a gradual distancing... .  I guess its a psychological phenomena since I no longer am a "couple".  We still talk, have a drink every now and again, but not really apart of the social gatherings.  So ya think I was getting a little lonely and depressed! 

As many of you know about my exBPD/NPD fiance already let me just say she played the right role for me and filled that empty spot.

Even though I know who/what she is... .  I still find myself going there... .  remembering the comfort she gave me when I needed it most.  My take after 60 years on this planet... .  the greater the love... .  the greater the hurt and eventual loneliness.  I am by no means an expert on this stuff but I was extremely low last night... .  wanted/needed so desperately to feel close to someone... .  have the hurt and pain go away... .  even if for one night.  I did fight the urge off to contact my exBPD/NPD... .  I feel so much better this morning!  Being used, abused, by exBPD/NPD fiance for 2 1/2 years really makes me hyper aware how fortunate I was to be married to the most loving, caring, selfless woman... .  I only wish I could post her picture so everyone could see it in her eyes... .  At 60 years old I got my first tattoo... .  a memorial to my wife... .  Celtic cross (she was Irish as it gets... .  beautiful red hair, freckles) a white rose which I would give her out of the blue... .  she loved that, and two Latin saying... .  Semper Mecum (Always with Me) and Numquam Periit Amor (Love Never Dies)... .  Miss you baby... .  I know your watchin over me... .  it was you that pointed me in the directions before I made a huge mistake.  Semper Mecum!

[LetItBe]

Hi, flynavy! 

Good job on resisting the urge to contact your ex!  I know it can be SO hard to resist the urge.  I, too, felt lonely yesterday, and I felt waves of missing my ex.  There were some things about our r/s that were comforting.  I have to remind myself, though, that if I were to get that comfort from him, it would be a temporary "fix," and there would be a price to pay for getting that close to him.  Then, I'd feel even worse.  It really is like a drug addiction, I think.

I have to ask myself over and over again, why am I drawn to him?  I know it's because there is a lonely place inside of me that I need to love.

Your late wife sounds lovely, and what a touching tribute to her!  I'm glad you have her inspiration to guide you in the right direction. 

[recoil]

I'm really feeling this today.

Today, per my T, I didn't wave to her as we passed each other dropping off our daughters for school.  Even though I haven't heard her voice in over a month, she waves to me a few times a week.  We also work together but I rarely see her.

She emailed me at work last week asking if I wanted her to drop off something that belonged to me (hadn't heard from her in three weeks at that point).  I said I didn't want it back.  

I'm really missing the good parts of her today.  When she wasn't stressed, she was everything I wanted in a woman.  When she was stressed, she would push me away.  I want to find someone just like her - who handles stress better and wants true intimacy.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Of course we miss the good parts, yet a BPD relationship is fraught with problems and conflicts that are better avoided.  The reality is that a BPD relationship is a tremendous amount of work and will eventually wear you out physically, emotionally and financially.  I should know after a 15-year marriage to a pwBPD, until I finally hit bottom with little left of my former self.  So you should ask yourself if you really want that energy in your life before you try to re-connect.  Thanks to all, LJ

[LetItBe]

Friends, Of course we miss the good parts, yet a BPD relationship is fraught with problems and conflicts that are better avoided.  The reality is that a BPD relationship is a tremendous amount of work and will eventually wear you out physically, emotionally and financially.  I should know after a 15-year marriage to a pwBPD, until I finally hit bottom with little left of my former self.  So you should ask yourself if you really want that energy in your life before you try to re-connect.  Thanks to all, LJ

Good point, Lucky Jim, and well-stated.  I should put that on a sticky-note on my bathroom mirror. 

Fifteen years -- that is a long time!  I felt depleted after only a total of about a year with my uBPDxbf. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi nonGF, you put it well above: it is like a drug addiction in the sense that a BPD r/s feels good temporarily, but in most cases will eventually destroy your life.  Yes, 15 years is a long time, though many members of this forum have endured longer, I'm sure.  I harbored the illusion that I could figure it out and that things would get better, neither of which proved true in my case.  I would be honored for you to put up that post-it note!  LJ

[morningagain]

flynavy,

I read your post yesterday, and still do not have sufficient words to offer you. 

What a wonderful wife.  And you truly honor her.

God Bless,

J

[flynavy]

jason519... .  thanks... .  knowing how beautiful it can be in a loving, caring, intimate relationship for so long IS my inspiration to not give up, move on... .  I really thought I was so lucky to have found another beautiful relationship... .  I was wrong... .  it does hurt... .  but I am damn lucky to have someone watchin over me!

[MontyD]

Hang in there man !

I was thinking back on my previous attempts at N/C, and I realised that, even though I never replied to her texts and emails, I read them and each time I did I got an emotional shock that set me back.

This time, I don't even get to read them as everything is blocked, so I don't even know if she has sent anything. So now there is no emotional shock and no set backs.


Monty

[Clearmind]

Fly, those feelings of loneliness could be one of the reasons you entered into a BPD relationship - Our relationships were enmeshed and we spent every waking hour with them - not healthy. Loneliness is a state of mind - we need to get to the stage that we have self worth and comfortable with our own company.

Its also possible you were still lonely inside in your relationship - your partner was likely the center of attention. You also fed into it by walking on eggshells and making her the center of attention.

So how can you make steps towards being able to fulfil your needs, wants and interests rather than reengaging in a toxic relationship to do that for you?

[Lucky Jim]

I like what you wrote, MontyD, and your technique for avoiding emotional shocks and setbacks!

Flynavy, I think it's normal for you to yearn for a loving relationship like the one you had for a long time, yet you didn't find the right candidate.  Armed with what you know, things will go better next time.

Hang in there,

LJ

[flynavy]

Thanks Lucky Jim... .  I never thought I would be out there at this stage of my life... .  certainly did not expect what I got into... .  it was hard for me to get me arms around the fact that there are people like this... .  who would of thunk!  I am a fast learner though... .  I won't give up because I know what its like to find your true soulmate... .  

[eniale]

Certainly can understand that you are lonely.  A word of caution.  Saw my therapist today and told her that if/when I ever meet someone I think might possibly have potential for a life partner I would take it very slowly.  She said "write that down."  She went on to say that although we think we may have learned an important life lesson, when we are lonely and meet someone we are at least attracted to, it is very easy to forget the good advice we have given ourselves.  So, the watchword is:  slow to get to know, slow to trust, and very, VERY slow to have an intimate relationship with.  Such a relationship can be very damaging if TRUST is not part of it.  So, GO SLOW.  If you are lonely, join some new activities, meet some new people, get involved in a cause you really believe in.  At least that way, if you do meet anyone you will at least have that in common.  Call up a friend, volunteer at a soup kitchen, read a really good mystery -- get a dog!  Whatever it takes to keep yourself from (God forbid) going back to a fantasy that you now know for what it was, or rushing into another damaging relationship. Best of luck.

[flynavy]

Thanx eniale... .  I remember hearing my therapist say when I first started to see my ex BPD?NPD fiance... .  GO SLOW... .  I was seeing him then for grievance counseling after my wife passed away.  I pray I now have the new found wisdom and the courage and fortitude to heed this sage advice... .  Thanks!

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, FlyNavy, Why would you be aware of the disorder prior to "getting your arms around" your Ex.  Most people have no clue about BPD or that the disorder even exists.  Certainly I never learned about it in my Psych 101 Class in college!  It is rarely discussed in the media and is largely under the radar.  So don't be hard on yourself.  I suspect that very few people on this forum had any idea what they were getting into with a p/BPD.  LJ

[flynavy]

I think I am finally getting back to the me my wife met and decided to marry... .  out of the blue... .  I wanted to text my exBPD/NPD gf/fiance and ask her if she wanted to join me for a glass of wine... .  she would know what that meant!... .  but I didn't... .  a much uglier face appeared in my head of her... .  the one that hit me, the raging maniac... .  I saw the not cutsie, sultry voiced, woman she could put on!  I didn't have to force it ... .  it came to me.

As my mind starts to clear, and I heal from the pain of loosing my wife, I am seeing things not as they appear/how I want them to be, but rather as they are... .  finally!

I posted these 2 posts on my Facebook to let everyone know I am back!... .  

I've had a little time to reflect on the events in my life after Sandie's passing as my mind seems to be much much clearer these days... .  I remember telling my boys "Life ain't fair"... .  I now know it in spades! The old adage... .  you don't know what you got till its gone... .  Well... . I always knew I was married to the most loving, caring, selfless woman! But I now realize just how beautiful she was/is and how Lucky/Fortunate I was after my first time out of the box in the world of relationships. I can't imagine being a young man in this brave new world searching for the Love of His Life! Lesson Learned - Nothing is as it appears/seems... .  especially if it seems Too Good to be True... .  it more than likely is. Due your due diligence if you feel in your gut something ain't right... .  investigate Yellow Flags because they more than likely are Red Flags. Semper Mecum... .  Numquam Periit Amor!

More ramblings from an extremely grateful fortunate man... .  I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who has been there for me over the past 3 years. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies... .  It's a Wonderful Life"... . quote from Clarence (Sandra) the angel... .  "No man is a failure who has friends--and I'm adding Family! Somebody up there likes me... .  and I will never forget it!

Here is but 2 comments back from family... .  one cousin who is an ACOA like me(we got through it together as kids) and my cousins husband... .

"well said my man... .  why is the path to true wisdom, true love and true happiness so tough? Only God knows but you are a man of wisdom and the love you had others may never experience... .  People admire and respect you, take comfort and be well bud... .  wishing you some new found happiness too!... .  J

"I love you, Brother, see you soon"

This is from my sister who was tremendous comfort and strength for me while my wife was in Hospice... .  

"You've made it through a very challenging experience. Through all the sorrow, pain & tears you have the realization of just how strong you are. You don't have the life you dreamed of but you still can dream, live & laugh. You have amazing boys, friends & family who are there to help you whether through guidance, listening or enjoying God's beauty. And then of course there's ME! Only ten more days before you get here & only twelve more 'til Crosby, Stills & Nash! Plus XXXX put in for time off & he & XXXXX will meet is in Biloxi. Can hardly wait! See you soon!

So I am truly a fortunate man to have been loved by a caring, selfless woman for 32 years, to have terrific family and friends.

So as Clarence put it from the movie "Its a Wonderful Life"... .  No Man is Alone who has Friends... .  and family.  I am totally convinced that my wife watches over me... .  she was the voice in the back of my head telling me to investigate the suspicious behaviors/lies and deceit... .  Somebody Up there Likes Me!... .  and I am grateful!

What has worked for me... .  Family... .  Friends... .  and a little help from UPSTAIRS!

[eniale]

Flynavy --

What a beautiful post & what a loving tribute to the angel who watches over you.  Congratulations on resisting urge to contact your ex.  You deserve better & have learned a lot.  I think it was on one of your posts that I came across "intensity vs. intimacy" -- I had never thought in exactly those terms, but BINGO -- you hit the nail on the head.  I had the same thing with my ex and think it's very sad -- such people know something is missing but are incapable of intimacy so substitute the intensity.  I believe there is a big, gaping, hole inside them.  Wish them well, but STAY AWAY.

I also had a very happy marriage & know what you mean about not appreciating what you had til you have lost it.  I guess I was lucky in my younger years never to have encountered someone like my expwBPD til now.  But, like you, I have learned a lot.  Take it slow, slow, slow in engaging in a new relationship.  I joined 2 new activities & am meeting a lot of nice people.  When I feel lonely, I go to this site and realize I am not alone.  Again, sincere congratulations for not "giving in."  Sounds like you have a great family.

[flynavy]

eniale... .  I am blessed... .  was feeling sorry for myself a little today... .  went to teh YMCA and worked out... .  feel much better.  So I ma blessed, family, friends, memories of a beautiful woman who loved me unconditionally, new found friends at this site... .  its working for me.  Last time I wanted sexual comfort from my ex I almost texted her... .  but the only image that popped into my head was not the cutsie, sultry woman I thought she was... .  the woman who in an ugly rage when I cancelled the wedding came at me with fists flying, feet kicking and and every vulgar obscenity you could imagine... .  even slurs against my wife... .  If you ever saw the Movie Devils Advocate with Al Pacino and Keannu Reeves... .  remember when Al Pacino shows who he really is... .  the ugliness.  That's what I saw... .  

[eniale]

Thanks for the tip about the movie The Devil's Advocate; I don't recall seeing it & will get it from Netflix.  Yes, working out is good.  I actually joined a boat racing team and I never considered myself athletic!  But the people are great and there are associated activities, parties, celebrations.  We have our first race soon.  I've really pushed myself, am a little nervous, but will give it my all.  Have you thought of trying something new?  Also, you can go on the computer and under "Meet Ups" you can find groups who do all sorts of things (and no, I am NOT talking about dating sites, Ha, Ha!)  Try a new activity & if that doesn't work, try something else!  Also, there are a lot of people who need help, and helping another is a sure way to get out of your own head.  The busier I get, the less I think of him.  I want to move forward.