According to uBPDbf, I should ...

[toomanyeggshells]

1.  want to spend every waking minute outside work by his side

2.  see my family less often because "we're in a relationship and they don't understand that its me and you now"

3.  change the way I do my job because uBPDbf should be the most important part of my life, regardless of how I've done my job for the last 27 years, its should be different now because "we're in a relationship"

4.  only want to do things that he wants to do also, even if I want to say yes to an invitation and he doesn't want to go.

5.  not exercise or take care of myself because uBPDbf doesn't and I'm "just doing it so I look good for other people"

6.  eat only the food he likes to eat because thats "what's normal" (and why he weights 325 pounds and I don't  )

Its a struggle every single day to continue in this r/s.  Every time I'm ready to leave, I feel bad and stay.   Why can't I be strong enough to do what I KNOW is best for me and leave?  Even though I've tried to change and not make things worse (mostly), things have only gotten worse.  He refuses to get therapy so I know nothing will change on his part.

After reading this, it doesn't really seem like a "staying" post, but I'm still in the r/s and would like to make it work without giving myself up completely, if thats even possible (without him getting therapy)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   You'll know if and when you're ready.  In the mean while... .  let him know that you are a couple, but also individuals and you'll see him when you return from visiting your family  

[bruceli]

1.  want to spend every waking minute outside work by his side

BPDw is the opposite, I should leave her be UNTIL she needs me for support, money, pick up kids, etc. 

2.  see my family less often because "we're in a relationship and they don't understand that its me and you now".

BPDw wants to spend more time alone or with friends thereby avoiding stress and responsibility.

3.  change the way I do my job because uBPDbf should be the most important part of my life, regardless of how I've done my job for the last 27 years, its should be different now because "we're in a relationship"

4.  only want to do things that he wants to do also, even if I want to say yes to an invitation and he doesn't want to go.

Ditto... .  except, BPDw wants to do them with her "friends" i.e. drinking buddies.  When buddies come over wants me to dissapear so that I don't hear/see behaviors.

5.  not exercise or take care of myself because uBPDbf doesn't and I'm "just doing it so I look good for other people"

6.  eat only the food he likes to eat because thats "what's normal" (and why he weights 325 pounds and I don't  

Ditto again except BPDw sees herself as a wizard of nutrition.  Constantly watching what she eats, no hand soap that isn't natural, etc.  And as  I said before all of this diatribe while she has beer #8 in her hand smoking a cigarette, while munching on oreo's and chocolate bars.  Non-organic BTW. LOL

[briefcase]

toomanyeggshells, your list is quite often how pwBPD see a "relationship." Its a very enmeshed and unhealthy view of how a relationship is supposed to work.  TO stay with him, you can't allow him to define the relationship in ways to isolate you or deprive you the opportunity to pursue your own career and interests.  He will resist your definition, but you need to have strong boundaries around these issues (which it sounds like you do).   

[toomanyeggshells]

toomanyeggshells, your list is quite often how pwBPD see a "relationship." Its a very enmeshed and unhealthy view of how a relationship is supposed to work.  TO stay with him, you can't allow him to define the relationship in ways to isolate you or deprive you the opportunity to pursue your own career and interests.  He will resist your definition, but you need to have strong boundaries around these issues (which it sounds like you do).   

I try, briefcase, I try.  Most of the time its like banging my head against a wall.  When I don't conform to his definition of a r/s, it usually ends in a rage. 

[toomanyeggshells]

bruceli, I'd be more than happy if uBPDbf tried your wife's behavior for a while.  I think I'd find it a relief.   

[princesssunshine]

Briefcase, I'm new here and have found these posts to be helpful.  I seem to have many of the same feelings and issues as toomanyeggshells.  I read your response and also feel as though I'm trying but am often beating my head against the wall when I try to set boundaries and maintain them and the same things keep happening, even though I'm following through.  Any advice?  I do want to stay because he is in therapy and we are both committed to working together to making the relationship better.

[bruceli]

bruceli, I'd be more than happy if uBPDbf tried your wife's behavior for a while.  I think I'd find it a relief.   

Ahhhhh... .  if we could only trade... .  if not for just awhile.

[bruceli]

toomanyeggshells, your list is quite often how pwBPD see a "relationship." Its a very enmeshed and unhealthy view of how a relationship is supposed to work.  TO stay with him, you can't allow him to define the relationship in ways to isolate you or deprive you the opportunity to pursue your own career and interests.  He will resist your definition, but you need to have strong boundaries around these issues (which it sounds like you do).   

I try, briefcase, I try.  Most of the time its like banging my head against a wall.  When I don't conform to his definition of a r/s, it usually ends in a rage. 

Me too!  I get the you are trying to controll me, you want too much of my time... .  Again the opposite.