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Author Topic: If I walk away now, I'll "lose my chance"  (Read 1697 times)
ZhaoZilong5

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« on: May 14, 2013, 08:25:13 PM »

The title sounds stupid, so I'll briefly explain.  Long story short, my ex-GF left an emotionally abusive relationship with her exBPD.  She very quickly cycles through all of the stages of grief multiple times a day, and even cycles through being content and happy.  She went from having intense feelings for me to feeling numb and not being sure anymore.  She believes it's because she needs to get her exBPD out of her head, which I agree, but it still makes me wonder.  I've been supportive, so do I just wait out her healing or walk away (insert "absence makes the heart grow fonder" I guess)?  Many people here told me to stay supportive, but advice from other general relationship sites would probably tell me to walk away.  Can it be possible that her feelings for me that she's held onto for the past year can suddenly evaporate over a couple of days?  She's also afraid to love me again because she's afraid of being flakey.
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MontyD
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« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2013, 08:35:45 PM »

Is she a pwBPD ?

If she is, this is typical of the disorder.  Maybe she is a BPD Waif.

Paints her ex as black as she can, Gain your sympathy.

Loves you one day, pushes you away the next.  Fear of engulfment.

Can flip inside 5 minutes.

Stop making excuses for her, see the world the way it is, then decide what you should do.

If she is a pwBPD, get out and move on.  Some things are so broken, you cannot fix them.

Monty


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marbleloser
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« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2013, 08:46:45 PM »

She's been through a traumatic RS ZZ.(I'm not even gonna try and spell that. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) )

It takes quite a toll on someone who's been through what she has.She probably doesn't trust her own feelings at this time.She may not trust you either.You may do things that trigger memories or feelings to her,without even knowing it.It isn't your fault.It isn't hers.

Give her space.

In the meantime,work on yourself.That's all you can control at this time.I've been there.It's tough.She has her own demons to slay,and it's best that she do it herself.She'll be better in the long run for it.
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ZhaoZilong5

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« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2013, 09:45:52 PM »

No, she's not a pwBPD.  To be fair, everything black about him is true, considering I've also had personal contact with him, and this confusion only got really bad when he kept pulling her while she was trying to go NC.  Well, it turns out she agreed to go to a concert with him at the end of next month, so I'm not sure if NC is only going to last a month and a half or if she'll go NC again afterward.
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ZhaoZilong5

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« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2013, 09:46:51 PM »

I guess a part of my fear is that her best friend already walked away because she's tired of my ex going back and doing the same thing over and over again, so I'm pretty much her only support system.  She probably would have been recycled by now had I not been around.
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ZhaoZilong5

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« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2013, 09:52:12 PM »

Well, I just found out that NC is probably going to last 5 to 6 weeks, since she agreed to go to a concert with him at the end of June.  What does that usually mean in this situation?  The exBPD moveson?  A sign that she's not fully detatching?  Any progress during NC will be wasted?
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ZhaoZilong5

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« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2013, 12:28:18 AM »

She actually just started NC today.
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ZhaoZilong5

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« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2013, 12:35:57 AM »

Well, her self-esteem's been shot, and she's probably still in the FOG.  It's not just that I'm playing rescuer, I've always wanted to be with her again, and I feel like if I walk away now, then I'd "lose my chance" per say.
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Consumed
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« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2013, 01:53:58 AM »

ZZ,

Did you mention if she is on this site? It appears she may be able to get so use out of this. Hope you don't take this the wrong way, but trying to figure out her stuff that she can only make decsions on will leave you completely frustrated and confused. There are points that a lot of us have got to where we had no other choice but to follow direction, because our way didn't work. Co-dependent, pleasing, thoughts it would change, blowing up every situation instead of looking at the "Big Picture" kept us engaged and "there". Answering calls or texts, accepting invitations to "talk", going for coffee or dinner, and "GOING TO CONCERTS" meant "sick and tired of being sick and tired" had not quite hit hard enough yet and the cycles roll on and on and on. With me, the constant anxiety, stress and heart-pounding building up to the "final" end was so consuming, intense, and exciting (in a negative way), that afterword, I became numb, depressed, and did not have motivation from the constant termoil, which lit a fire under my behind. Now only 4 months have past, NC and I realized how Humpty Dumptyish I had become, because now, I have a medication and a therapist to "Help put me back together again". What I feel my exBPD had done; and I am sure this may sound familiar to some, is exposed a lot of insecurities in me that if I had never met her, I could have gone my whole life with never having to look at them or even acknowledge them. There would have been no reason to. Because I wouldn't have had someone on a daily basis looking for them with a magnifying glass to put in their arsenal for later use. What she had done with my armor of self esteem, confidence, patience, reason, and understanding was drag it throught the mud or meat grider, which ever you prefer. It may be a long road back from all of that, but I thank God I'm on it.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2013, 11:28:58 AM »

To me, it seems like the primary relationship is between her and the other guy and this is just another breakup makeup cycle that has characterized their relationship.  Three weeks, five weeks - is not separated and detached and healed - or ready for another relationship with you.

I know that's hard to hear, but facing the facts will help your future prospects with her.

You may want to read about triangulation and Karpman's triangle.  Most likely, after repeated attempts/failures to resolve their relationship conflict, she is naturally triangulating and finding some relief in you to balance their conflict.  

Whether you are exerting yourself in or being drafted doesn't matter as much as the fact that the end game is that you will either be seen as a threat to their relationship or will end up in a doomed rebound relationship with her.

Your best hope at rekindling the relationship is to recognize that this is not the time - thats going to be hard.  Giving her lots of space (time to complete this relationship and heal) and not speaking poorly of the boyfriend.  Stay supportive like a friend or brother without any romantic expectations (even if offered) and being very very neutral.

This the best way to leave the door open for a possible future relationship. She will feel safe and, in time, she will see how mature and strong you are.

If you get caught up in her current relationship, it will likely nix any future opportunity.
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