Assertive day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 S was sick last night at stbx's home.He was very sick at his stomach,vomiting.This morning I go to work,thinking stbx was staying home with him.Instead,I get a text from D19 that he was at her apartment and stbx went to work. I told her not to say a word,I'd be there to get him.(Only a standing order in place at the moment that doesn't name a primary parent)

So,I go get S and we go to the doctor.I text stbx what I'm doing and where we are going.She gets livid! Texting that she's calling the police on me and it's not my time.I told her to go ahead.

S and I got the doc office and I turned my cell off,because they don't want cells on in there.We get out and I check messages.

"I told my L!"

"Where are you?"

"The police will find you!"

"You broke court order!"

and then... .  wait for it... .  

"I'm not wasting my time with this little stuff!" (Guessing her L told her there's nothing she can do)

I simply text back what the doctor said and that I got S's prescription filled.I was prepared in case the police showed.There was no way I was going to hand over custody.There was no way they could make me.I'm guessing she found that out.I can see this being brought up in court though.

"Your honor,he stole S when it wasn't his time!"

"What did he do with him?"

"He took him to the doctor! and then got his prescription filled!"

Anyway,S and I came back home and he slept most of the afternoon.

[marbleloser]

 S was sick last night at stbx's home.He was very sick at his stomach,vomiting.This morning I go to work,thinking stbx was staying home with him.Instead,I get a text from D19 that he was at her apartment and stbx went to work. I told her not to say a word,I'd be there to get him.(Only a standing order in place at the moment that doesn't name a primary parent)

So,I go get S and we go to the doctor.I text stbx what I'm doing and where we are going.She gets livid! Texting that she's calling the police on me and it's not my time.I told her to go ahead.

S and I got the doc office and I turned my cell off,because they don't want cells on in there.We get out and I check messages.

"I told my L!"

"Where are you?"

"The police will find you!"

"You broke court order!"

and then... .  wait for it... .  

"I'm not wasting my time with this little stuff!" (Guessing her L told her there's nothing she can do)

I simply text back what the doctor said and that I got S's prescription filled.I was prepared in case the police showed.There was no way I was going to hand over custody.There was no way they could make me.I'm guessing she found that out.I can see this being brought up in court though.

"Your honor,he stole S when it wasn't his time!"

"What did he do with him?"

"He took him to the doctor! and then got his prescription filled!"

Anyway,S and I came back home and he slept most of the afternoon.

[Forward2free]

It sure sounds like you've done the right thing, and as we know, asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. If you ex was putting your sons's needs first, she would have thanked you for your decision instead of being irrational. Actually, should he have been left home alone? I can't remember his age.

Hope he's feeling better today!

[marbleloser]

Thanks kormilda.He's 9,but was at his sisters apartment.She's 19. She was looking forward to a day off from work,but obligation persuaded her to watch him for stbx.I could have easily watched him this morning if she had asked,but she's trying to use D19 as a backup,instead of me.Purely spite since I filed for D and outed her secrets.

[Forward2free]

Really great that your D thought to let you know, good on her for not participating in the games!

I think the hardest thing to accept with BPD/N's is the selfishness and inability to put the kids needs first. It's really sad and unfortunately will most likely never end.

[marbleloser]

Our D knows the truth and see's it like it really is.She's way beyond her years in that regard.You're right though.It'll never end.That's where being assertive comes in handy. 

[momtara]

A shame.  It's important that he stay hydrated if he's that sick.  Poor kid.

[marbleloser]

He's better tonight momtara.Been resting/sleeping all afternoon and drinking.Even felt like eating later in the evening.

[momtara]

Plus, he is with a sane parent.  Sounds like a peaceful night where you can be sure he is safe and well taken care of.  I wish you many more of these!

[marbleloser]

Thank you! 

[Whichwayisup]

Well done Marbleloser... .  

I'd like to think I could do the same thing if faced with the same - I have found out that my kids were left alone last Wed (15,10,3) while she went out to party, I have noted that I was neither asked nor informed... .  I would have arranged for them to come to mine had I known.

You know you did the right thing, you should feel proud that not only did you take a stand but it was for all the best intentions too.  It will piss her off but send a strong message.

Enjoy the little things too!

Whichwayisup

[marbleloser]

Thanks Whichway! It's just spite,as I'm sure you know.Remember though,without a court order or restraining order,a parent can't kidnap their own kids.You can go get them,without her consent if she's not in custody of them.If she leaves them at a friends house,you can take the police and force them to hand them over to you.Parental rights trumps all.

[marbleloser]

Update: Tonight,stbx is going somewhere.D is going to the same place with friends of hers,so she can't watch kids... . Kids told me they were going also,but there really isn't anything for young kids to do there.I text stbx and told her I'd watch them while she was there tonight.Strangely enough,she agreed.We set up a time and place to meet to exchange the kiddos.

THIS is how things should be done.It's weird to feel shocked by "normal".

Yesterday I was having police called on me.Today,I'm trustworthy enough to watch the kids.One extreme to the other.

[broken3]

Nah... .  

Its called "convenience". Their wants and needs trumps everything else.

[Free One]

Update: Tonight,stbx is going somewhere.D is going to the same place with friends of hers,so she can't watch kids... . Kids told me they were going also,but there really isn't anything for young kids to do there.I text stbx and told her I'd watch them while she was there tonight.Strangely enough,she agreed.We set up a time and place to meet to exchange the kiddos.

THIS is how things should be done.It's weird to feel shocked by "normal".

Yesterday I was having police called on me.Today,I'm trustworthy enough to watch the kids.One extreme to the other.

This happens to me a lot too. One extreme to the other... .  

[marbleloser]

I remember living it! It's easier to see when you don't have constant contact.

[ForeverDad]

THIS is how things should be done. It's weird to feel shocked by "normal".

Yesterday I was having police called on me. Today,I'm trustworthy enough to watch the kids. One extreme to the other.

It's all based on the mood of the moment and what is of self-benefit.  I've had my ex upset at me and rages she'll call the police if I come onto her parking lot.  Then other times (bad weather, feeling ill, whatever) she tells me to deviate from the ordered location and exchange in her parking lot.

Maybe someday I'll be able to use that in court.  Maybe.  Court ignores so much.

[marbleloser]

True FD. If it's not negatively effecting the kids,court doesn't care.On the plus side,I'm able to deal with much more without anxiety.Things like this used to bother me,but now,eh,... .  it's just another day.

[marbleloser]

Another update: (I'm kinda doing this to  figure out a pattern)

S's had a ballgame this morning.STBX forgot to send one of their uniforms,so she wanted me to come by and pick it up.I told her I wasn't going in that direction.(She was going to the game anyway) He ended up changing at the ballfield.

She gives me a check for half of medical she owes and cash.Then asks me if I can take them to get their haircut,because she just hasn't had time. Weird! 3 days ago I was Satan and having the police called because I took S to the doctor and 2 months ago she was livid that I had taken kiddos to get their hair cut.

She also made sure S got his jeans and put them in my truck saying,"Get your jeans so dad will have some at his house".This after she stopped sending clothes over for kiddos and I had to go buy more,so they'd have clothes at my house.

[Free One]

The "pattern" I experience is the calling police kind of behavior, then a big shift the other way, as if trying to make up for the bad behavior. It's a false "niceness".

[marbleloser]

I agree,but this is the kind of thing that kept me "stuck" in the marriage. Periods of "normal" followed by periods of "abnormal".Untruths followed by truthfullness.Be interesting if I can establish some kind of timeframe for this behavior.I know a trigger is me asserting myself and I can see that when it's "her idea" it's all ok.Might come in handy during mediation.