Obsessive compulsive thinking...

[Undone123]

Man I was doing so well. My BPDex unblocked me on facebook this week, and we had some dialogue, after about a month of no contact. Anyway it sent me into a spiral of emotion... .  

After some dialogue she vanished again, but left facebook unblocked, so I have taken control and blocked her... .  

NOW I can't get her off my mind, I had made such progress in the month, from obsessive compulsive thinking to still thinking about her but being ok. Now I'm back to obsessive compulsive thinking. It is hurting my brain and affecting my work. There is no doubt I became codependent, or a codependent streak in me was triggered, and I'm working on it! But I just want my brain to give it a rest.

How?

[Blessed0329]

Dank, I wish I had advice for you as to how to stop the obsessive thoughts that have been retriggered in you. I know it would not take much from my ex to send me sliding way, way, back just as you describe. It amazes me how many stories like yours are on this site. Our exes can do something so nominal, get some type of comfort or reassurance from us, then go on their way, leaving us reeling. I have wondered if they have any clue the effect they can have on other people.

[Bananas]

Dank, I do the same.

I am trying to retrain my brain to not think of my ex so much and focus my energy elsewhere, mainly to healing myself.  I think when you obsess over someone they can feel your energy, even if they are not physically near, and they are in effect taking your energy away.  It's like they are draining you.  My therapist has me doing some meditation exercises which is helping me relax and not be so obsessive.  I feel much stronger lately.   

     

[MindfulMan]

Dank

I can totally relate.  Even though my rational mind knows better, I keep obsessing over my exBPDgf as if I'm possessed.  I read on this site somewhere that they insidiously weave their way into the non-BPD's to give you what you desperately needed from the parent that abandoned YOU... . emotionally or otherwise.  My ex and lived together 4 months on, 5 months off, then back together for exactly the same time 4 months, then she leaves again.

I realized I was longing for a ghost.  Who I thought she was in my "movie" was really not who she really was. She was devaluing me months before it ended.  She took forever to move out.  We both cried.  I flew down and hand carried her cat to her and she became enraged over an innocuous conversation.  I was done.  Painted black.  And she made love to me and told me she loved me the day before she left.  It doesn't matter. 

Maybe it would helpful to know that its all Image to a BPD.  There is no there, there.  Just want we want to see.  And they will take us for all we got unless we take care of Ourselves first.

I feel for you.  It hurts like hell.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I think about my current ex w/BPD gf everyday still. And it's been 2 months today since we split. I've made many positive changes in my life, but it's like she addicted me- infected me with thoughts of her. She was everything I wanted in a girl, and I dreamed of spending my life with her. It seems like such a cruel joke the universe is playing on me by her having BPD. My thoughts have been all over the map lately though. There are days where I long for her and miss her, like tonight after going on a date with a girl that just doesn't interest me. And then there are days where I want to crush her. Where nothing but thoughts of revenge fill my head, and I want to make her pay for mirroring me and cheating. Where I daydream about her reconnecting with me, having really hot sex, then ripping her to shreds with my words. I know thats a hollow, unfulfilling path, but I feel like my pain needs to be shared. The rational side of me says the pain her disorder causes her is already much worse, and that she never meant to hurt me. It was just a defense mechanism because she was either falling for me so hard (she said as much) and couldn't deal with the abandonment fears, or one night I made a choice that she might have thought of as a slight. Regardless, thoughts of her never leave me.

[BrewCrew17]

I think about my current ex w/BPD gf everyday still. And it's been 2 months today since we split. I've made many positive changes in my life, but it's like she addicted me- infected me with thoughts of her. She was everything I wanted in a girl, and I dreamed of spending my life with her. It seems like such a cruel joke the universe is playing on me by her having BPD. My thoughts have been all over the map lately though. There are days where I long for her and miss her, like tonight after going on a date with a girl that just doesn't interest me. And then there are days where I want to crush her. Where nothing but thoughts of revenge fill my head, and I want to make her pay for mirroring me and cheating. Where I daydream about her reconnecting with me, having really hot sex, then ripping her to shreds with my words. I know thats a hollow, unfulfilling path, but I feel like my pain needs to be shared. The rational side of me says the pain her disorder causes her is already much worse, and that she never meant to hurt me. It was just a defense mechanism because she was either falling for me so hard (she said as much) and couldn't deal with the abandonment fears, or one night I made a choice that she might have thought of as a slight. Regardless, thoughts of her never leave me.

Could not explain my current thoughts any better myself. I can not stand it.

[Undone123]

My biggest savior is this website without doubt... .  

It's so hard, because I love her, I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I don't want to smear her, or hurt her in anyway, despite the fact she has been so cruel... .  It's just so nice to know I am not the only one going through these stages and feelings. If I talked to anyone, they would think I'm the mad one, she's already made me out to be crazy in her smear campaign.

It's amazing to hear from you all.

[leftbehind]

I agree with everything all of you have said.  If I didn't have this site, I would have called/emailed/or gone over to my ex's by now (it's been two months since he broke it off). 

I REALLY need to stop obsessing.  I'm finally at the point in my business where I'm thinking I might actually make it, and I'm not doing my best because of my obsessive thoughts about my ex.  I know that I've been traumatized by the sudden breakup, and my mind keeps going over and over it trying to recreate a different outcome.

I also want to confront him, but since I know he's already sleeping with someone else, and doesn't want to talk to me, what's the point?  He'll either not answer the phone, not return the email, or if I show up threaten to call the police.  He already threatened that once when I went to his house a week after he broke up with me to ask him why he unfriended me on facebook.  I can't believe I was that reactive - it isn't like me at all.  But they find a way to pull the crazy out of you, and then they use it as evidence against you in their smear campaign. 

So knowing this is what has helped me maintain 7 weeks of NC, but it doesn't help with the repetitive thoughts about him, mostly centering on the horrible and abrupt way he ended it.

Bananas, I also have the same belief that all the thinking I'm doing about this is somehow "feeding" him energetically and draining me.  So far I've had no luck in breaking this cycle, but I know I need to.

[Undone123]

I agree with everything all of you have said.  If I didn't have this site, I would have called/emailed/or gone over to my ex's by now (it's been two months since he broke it off). 

I REALLY need to stop obsessing.  I'm finally at the point in my business where I'm thinking I might actually make it, and I'm not doing my best because of my obsessive thoughts about my ex.  I know that I've been traumatized by the sudden breakup, and my mind keeps going over and over it trying to recreate a different outcome.

I also want to confront him, but since I know he's already sleeping with someone else, and doesn't want to talk to me, what's the point?  He'll either not answer the phone, not return the email, or if I show up threaten to call the police.  He already threatened that once when I went to his house a week after he broke up with me to ask him why he unfriended me on facebook.  I can't believe I was that reactive - it isn't like me at all.  But they find a way to pull the crazy out of you, and then they use it as evidence against you in their smear campaign. 

So knowing this is what has helped me maintain 7 weeks of NC, but it doesn't help with the repetitive thoughts about him, mostly centering on the horrible and abrupt way he ended it.

Bananas, I also have the same belief that all the thinking I'm doing about this is somehow "feeding" him energetically and draining me.  So far I've had no luck in breaking this cycle, but I know I need to.

WE HAVE THE EXACT SAME STORY! They drive you crazy, then you go crazy, and use it all against you!

[leftbehind]

exactly.

[Siamese Rescue]

Add me to the "exactly the same" list... . It's pure Hell. He finally broke down and called my ex husband who he has a good relationship with and talked about a mutual acquaintance they have but then asked about me... . It's like a knife in the heart and it just twists me to shreds. 24 days today of no contact... .

[MindfulMan]

Exactly the same for me!  Its only been a few weeks but it feels like years.  I feel like a meth addict who needs another hit but just can't get one.  I have heard of this described as toxic shame, but I feel more like grief, despair, longing and obsessive compulsive thinking about her all the time.

And this is bizarre because when she was living with me, I felt she was already detached until we had sex the night before she left.  Told me she loved me, then nothing.  Now she's "afraid of me" and who she's become around me.  Afraid of me?  I bent over backwards to take care of her, be nice to her... . and now I feel used and manipulated.

But like a bad meth habit, I am struggling to stay in NC.  Its really difficult.  And I always wonder (and deep down inside I hope), that's its as difficult for her as it is for me.

But probably not.

I read that we're attracted to people who match our own level of emotional development.  Somewhere this is familiar and its replicating a relationship blueprint we had as children.  I know its my mother who was probably borderline herself. 

I am beginning to realize I am addicted to the chaos and drama which is familiar to my childhood.

But it still hurts like hell.  I opened up my heart to hear and it was stomped on and broken.  The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.  I'd rather be hated than ignored.

[bb12]

I think we get addicted to the pining... . and not so much to them, after a certain point.

I can still feel the physical pull as I process the devastation, but it's not the same thing as wanting them back. It's the addiction peptides. The emotions stuck in our body.

When we acknowledge that separation, we can begin to work on ourselves. Rather than trying to rush this healing, I have found that when I allow myself to sit in the pain and to tolerate it, something lets go.

As a codependent person, I am wired to be 'other directed'. Realising that my own life has barely been about me is sad but great at the same time. Realising I was stuck on my ex because I never truly knew how to be good to myself made the healing easier. When we are 'other' focused, life is lived out of control. For we can not control another person. By definition it is our ego trying to bring outside things in. My greatest leap to real healing was in flipping that. By working on myself first and focusing on me and my needs, I began to pine less for my ex. And then I started to feel creative again and I could initiate things and have things come OUT of me instead on IN. And I could control that.

Time is the greatest healer, unfortunately. But being less externally focused and learning to be a little selfish (which felt very unnatural), and internally focused, really sped things up.

Who would have thought that in the face of impossible selfishness, being selfish ourselves would be the key to freedom?

BB12

[leftbehind]

When we are 'other' focused, life is lived out of control. For we can not control another person. By definition it is our ego trying to bring outside things in. My greatest leap to real healing was in flipping that. By working on myself first and focusing on me and my needs, I began to pine less for my ex.

Thanks, BB12.  I am working on this now.