It feels like I am starting over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's day two of my "anti-cyber stalking" mission and it is proving to be pretty darn difficult.  I tried to keep myself busy today by going to the gym with a friend earlier.  We did that, ate, and then I came home.  As soon as I was alone, I felt vulnerable and weak.  I felt like looking to see what he has been up to, so I called another friend and went to her place to hang out.  While I was there, I still thought about him a lot.  I have no idea why I want to look, or why I want to know what he is doing.  I suppose I could still be addicted to him, our relationship, what we had.  It has been nearly two months Anyway, now all I can picture is him hanging out with his new girlfriend and wondering what they're doing, whether or not she makes him happier than I did, and whether or not he even thinks about me anymore.

It's getting to the point where some of my friends and family don’t understand why I'm not over this already.  They say "he's old news," and I know they're right, but I can't help but to feel like they don’t understand how "different" this break-up is from others.  I mean, I don't think I've ever had an ex hate me this much when things ended.  Knowing that he still thinks I'm this evil person makes me so upset.  I have replayed over and over in my mind how the conversation went that last day we talked.  I think about what I could've done or said differently, why I said what I said, and whether or not he meant everything he told me.  I try to convince myself that deep down he only lashed out because I got too close to finding out who he really is, and that I'll be "the one that got away" for him, but I don't think so.

He has obviously moved on.  He doesn't care about me anymore.  He'll probably never contact me again (I asked him not to but I know deep down I wish he would).  He's going on about his life, and I'm just here letting mine pass me by, wondering if he'll ever come back or realize that I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world.  I've been talking to my guy friend a lot these past couple of days…lately that's how I cope.  When I miss my ex, I just call my friend.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  Then I get upset because he's not who I want him to be.  The conversation isn’t the same.  He doesn't say the right things.  He bores me.  He doesn't give me the "fix" that I'm looking for.  He's not him, and he never will be.

I think I want to be recycled…or at least I want him to attempt to recycle me.  I want to know that he misses me, that he has realized what he missed out on.  I want to know that I still exist in his world.  What a desperate, crazy lunatic I'm becoming.

[Sango216]

It's day two of my "anti-cyber stalking" mission and it is proving to be pretty darn difficult.  I tried to keep myself busy today by going to the gym with a friend earlier.  We did that, ate, and then I came home.  As soon as I was alone, I felt vulnerable and weak.  I felt like looking to see what he has been up to, so I called another friend and went to her place to hang out.  While I was there, I still thought about him a lot.  I have no idea why I want to look, or why I want to know what he is doing.  I suppose I could still be addicted to him, our relationship, what we had.  It has been nearly two months Anyway, now all I can picture is him hanging out with his new girlfriend and wondering what they're doing, whether or not she makes him happier than I did, and whether or not he even thinks about me anymore.

It's getting to the point where some of my friends and family don’t understand why I'm not over this already.  They say "he's old news," and I know they're right, but I can't help but to feel like they don’t understand how "different" this break-up is from others.  I mean, I don't think I've ever had an ex hate me this much when things ended.  Knowing that he still thinks I'm this evil person makes me so upset.  I have replayed over and over in my mind how the conversation went that last day we talked.  I think about what I could've done or said differently, why I said what I said, and whether or not he meant everything he told me.  I try to convince myself that deep down he only lashed out because I got too close to finding out who he really is, and that I'll be "the one that got away" for him, but I don't think so.

He has obviously moved on.  He doesn't care about me anymore.  He'll probably never contact me again (I asked him not to but I know deep down I wish he would).  He's going on about his life, and I'm just here letting mine pass me by, wondering if he'll ever come back or realize that I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world.  I've been talking to my guy friend a lot these past couple of days…lately that's how I cope.  When I miss my ex, I just call my friend.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  Then I get upset because he's not who I want him to be.  The conversation isn’t the same.  He doesn't say the right things.  He bores me.  He doesn't give me the "fix" that I'm looking for.  He's not him, and he never will be.

I think I want to be recycled…or at least I want him to attempt to recycle me.  I want to know that he misses me, that he has realized what he missed out on.  I want to know that I still exist in his world.  What a desperate, crazy lunatic I'm becoming.

[schwing]

Hi Sango216 and  

As soon as I was alone, I felt vulnerable and weak.  I felt like looking to see what he has been up to, so I called another friend and went to her place to hang out.  While I was there, I still thought about him a lot.  I have no idea why I want to look, or why I want to know what he is doing.  I suppose I could still be addicted to him, our relationship, what we had.  It has been nearly two months Anyway, now all I can picture is him hanging out with his new girlfriend and wondering what they're doing, whether or not she makes him happier than I did, and whether or not he even thinks about me anymore.

It's getting to the point where some of my friends and family don’t understand why I'm not over this already.  They say "he's old news," and I know they're right, but I can't help but to feel like they don’t understand how "different" this break-up is from others.  

Having gone through what I imagine you are going through, here's my understanding as to why a break-up of this kind of relationship is different from other (non-disordered) relationships:

I don't know a thing about the specifics of your relationship but I am very certain you were "abandoned" or "betrayed" in some way; and I am certain only because you were in a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD).  In a more normal relationship, you usually both go through some kind of grieving period.  You both understand that the break-up is for the best and you try to wish each other well.  You both hurt to some degree and knowing that there is a loss on both sides is a kind of comfort.  And perhaps at the beginning of the break-up, you might want to keep your distance, but there is some expectation or hope that after the hurt is over, you can still correspond or have some kind of rapport.  After all, you were once very important to each other.

But not so, when there is a betrayal or abandonment.  And I would argue that this is what you are feeling.  He has moved on in a way that would have been next to impossible for you because of how much space he occupied in your heart and mind.  And somehow you feel betrayed because how could he be so important to you, yet for him, his loss of you seems negligible.

You feel abandoned because it seems like only you remember the good that was once part of your relationship.

I mean, I don't think I've ever had an ex hate me this much when things ended.  Knowing that he still thinks I'm this evil person makes me so upset.  I have replayed over and over in my mind how the conversation went that last day we talked.  I think about what I could've done or said differently, why I said what I said, and whether or not he meant everything he told me.  I try to convince myself that deep down he only lashed out because I got too close to finding out who he really is, and that I'll be "the one that got away" for him, but I don't think so.

Here's the truth.  If your ex has BPD, there is no way your relationship could have ended any differently.  He *needs* to devalue you.  I believe that pwBPD cannot "break-up" in a healthy way because the ending of any and all relationships to them is interpreted as a kind of abandonment.  At the very least, it triggers their remembrance of the primary abandonment trauma which they suffered, which caused them to develop BPD.

He hates you now because he has yet to come to terms with his feelings towards the person that caused him his primary abandonment trauma.  But this is how you might de-personalize his hatred.  His hatred towards you now, has nearly nothing to do with you.  You are just the lightning rod for emotions has yet to face.  He hates you in the same way he has hated every one of his exes.  And he will always hate his exes until his starts dealing with the repressed feelings he has deep inside him, which he doesn't want to face if he's like any of the other pwBPD we read of in this website.  He will always run away from these feelings, to find someone new, someone who won't make him feel these disordered feelings.  What he refuses to accept is that *everyone* will eventually make him feel these disordered feelings.

He has obviously moved on.  He doesn't care about me anymore.  He'll probably never contact me again (I asked him not to but I know deep down I wish he would).  He's going on about his life, and I'm just here letting mine pass me by, wondering if he'll ever come back or realize that I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world.  

He's going on about his life, but his life, when it comes to intimate/familial relationships is stuck in a loop.  And at the end of that loop is an abandonment/betrayal trauma which will always come because he is stuck there, and he has been stuck there since he first suffered his trauma (presumably when he was between 3-5 years of age).

You are going to get pass this pain.  It is not going to be easy.  It will not be terribly fun.  But you will recover from it.  He has yet to come to terms with this pain.  His whole modus operandi is to run away from this pain.  Imagine what it would be like if the pain you felt was so much that the only way you could deal with it was to drown yourself in another relationship.  The thing is, you can't.  Because you are still able to face the pain in the aftermath of this one.  And if you could drown out the pain this way, you wouldn't want to because at some point the pain from this relationship would get in the way of your next relationship, and then you'd run to the next relationship to get away from that.  And eventually you'd lose track of who hurt you how and why, and it wouldn't matter because you'd just want to find your next relationship because that would be the only respite from the pain.  And then... . you'd have a taste of what he's probably dealing with, and will continue to deal with, until/unless he recovers from his disorder.

I've been talking to my guy friend a lot these past couple of days…lately that's how I cope.  When I miss my ex, I just call my friend.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  Then I get upset because he's not who I want him to be.  The conversation isn’t the same.  He doesn't say the right things.  He bores me.  He doesn't give me the "fix" that I'm looking for.  He's not him, and he never will be.

Nor would you want him to be. The conversation isn't the same because he's not the same person.  He's another person.  But I would argue that your ex is reacting to his new girlfriend pretty much the same way he reacted to you at the beginning of your relationship.  Because he's stuck in a loop.  He's idealizing the new girl.  And he's devaluing you.  Eventually he's start devaluing the new girl and will try to idealize you, or some other person instead.  In his mind, it's the same play over and over again with different actors.

You don't want a "fix."  You want to recover from your hurt.  And you will recover from your hurt.  And be a wiser person because of it.  Pain is one of life's best instructors, provided you are a good student.

I think I want to be recycled…or at least I want him to attempt to recycle me.  I want to know that he misses me, that he has realized what he missed out on.  I want to know that I still exist in his world.  What a desperate, crazy lunatic I'm becoming.

The pain that you are experiencing is significant.  However, unlike your ex, you have the resources and wherewithal to deal with it, but only if you choose to.  Because you can also choose to walk a path than doesn't exactly lead to healing or recovery.  In some ways, that's the easier path.  But that path is a loop, and you might find that you end up exactly where you started: in pain.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[TippyTwo]

schwing,

Thank you for your insight. I really needed to hear this today

[Bananas]

schwing,

Thank you for your insight. I really needed to hear this today

Yes, Schwing, your posts are dead on.  Amazing, they give me so much clarity.  Thank you!

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Schwing: those w/BPD have yet to heal, or even acknowledge, the primary abandonment trauma, so those closest to them become lightening rods for emotions that remain unresolved.  In some ways, I think it is too frightening for a pwBPD to face that primary trauma, so they run from it, yet not fast enough to escape it, so the loop starts all over again.  Hope this helps you, Sango!  Lucky Jim

[Sango216]

But not so, when there is a betrayal or abandonment.  And I would argue that this is what you are feeling.  He has moved on in a way that would have been next to impossible for you because of how much space he occupied in your heart and mind.  And somehow you feel betrayed because how could he be so important to you, yet for him, his loss of you seems negligible.

You feel abandoned because it seems like only you remember the good that was once part of your relationship.

Here's the truth.  If your ex has BPD, there is no way your relationship could have ended any differently.  He *needs* to devalue you.  I believe that pwBPD cannot "break-up" in a healthy way because the ending of any and all relationships to them is interpreted as a kind of abandonment.  At the very least, it triggers their remembrance of the primary abandonment trauma which they suffered, which caused them to develop BPD.

He hates you now because he has yet to come to terms with his feelings towards the person that caused him his primary abandonment trauma.  But this is how you might de-personalize his hatred.  His hatred towards you now, has nearly nothing to do with you.  You are just the lightning rod for emotions has yet to face.  He hates you in the same way he has hated every one of his exes.  And he will always hate his exes until his starts dealing with the repressed feelings he has deep inside him, which he doesn't want to face if he's like any of the other pwBPD we read of in this website.  He will always run away from these feelings, to find someone new, someone who won't make him feel these disordered feelings.  What he refuses to accept is that *everyone* will eventually make him feel these disordered feelings.

He's going on about his life, but his life, when it comes to intimate/familial relationships is stuck in a loop.  And at the end of that loop is an abandonment/betrayal trauma which will always come because he is stuck there, and he has been stuck there since he first suffered his trauma (presumably when he was between 3-5 years of age).

But I would argue that your ex is reacting to his new girlfriend pretty much the same way he reacted to you at the beginning of your relationship.  Because he's stuck in a loop.  He's idealizing the new girl.  And he's devaluing you.  Eventually he's start devaluing the new girl and will try to idealize you, or some other person instead.  In his mind, it's the same play over and over again with different actors.

Hello Schwing!

I apologize for the delayed response.  Wow.  Your post was dead-on.  It does hurt to know that he could "get over" me so easily, and that he could move onto someone else.  Sometimes I do so much thinking and dwelling on things that I drive myself nuts, imagining him doing everything with her that we were supposed to do together.  I need to remind myself that the same way he treated me, he will treat her as well.  Thank you for putting things into perspective for me.

[MockingbirdHL]

As far as I know, during the three (four if you count now) times that my dBPDh and I broke up - three before we were married, one we are in the middle of now - he has never gone to someone else ... . he just stays to himself.  Is this unusual?  He doesn't have any friends in this town per se, despite living here HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

[Sango216]

Hi MockingbirdHL!

I'm still learning about BPD, so I'm not sure if I can answer that correctly.  From what I've seen, it's common for them to seek others as replacements, so I guess it is a little odd.

[MockingbirdHL]

Sango216,

Yes - everyone who knows him (his family, my friends, etc.) say if he lets me go, and won't work on our relationship, then there will never be anyone else.  He will be alone for the rest of his life.

I wish that thought made me feel better, but it doesn't.  It just makes me hurt for him.  I guess that's why I can't get myself over to the LEAVING board ... . I'm just not ready to accept that its over.  Although I fully expect him to tell me that (again) when he finally gets around to talking to me sometime this week.

I don't want to have to go through a divorce.  I don't want that sense of failure.  I don't want to be without him.  I don't want my daughter to lose him.  I certainly don't want to ever have to think about anyone else in the future, the thought of that makes me sick.

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL:

I think it's natural for you to hurt for him... . when we love (at least those of who do not suffer from BPD), we want them to be happy.  You said you all have been through this three times before, right?  Do you really want to continue dealing with this uncertainty... . this inconsistency in your marriage?  Please, try not to think of it as a failure on your part.  If anything, it's a good thing that you're able to recognize what needs to be done, and that you realize this is what's best for you and your daughter.   

[MockingbirdHL]

I don't. But I keep thinking this is the first break since either of us found out about the BPD so if he knows he needs help, and gets it, maybe things can improve?  I've also been working on my part in this and I think I've come a long way.

I'm just not ready to give up hope yet.

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL:

In my opinion, even acknowledging the fact that he is a pwBPD is a huge step.  I do hope that he will put in as much effort as you have into fixing things.

 

Best,

Sango

[MockingbirdHL]

Sango - me too. That's the only hope I'm holding onto right now. He acknowledges the disorder (well the symptoms at least; I've never heard him say out loud he has BPD) and he's been in T previously and it helped. I hope he can dig himself out of this hole and get back.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mockingbird, I can relate to all those breakups.  Before our marriage, my uBPDexW and I split up for eight months.  After we got back together, I called off our engagement.  We eventually got married, but are now divorced.  Looking back, I can see that there were indicators right from the start that maybe we were not a good match.  I'm not saying you and your spouse fall into that category, yet I think it is fairly typical of a r/s with a pwBPD to have these dramatic ups and downs.  I reached a point where my stamina gave out in terms of weathering the emotional storms.  Maybe you could think about whether you still have the stomach for what lies ahead?  :)ivorce is tough, no doubt incredibly hard, yet my life is much more peaceful now.  

Hi Sango, Sorry to highjack this thread but wanted to express some thoughts about Mockingbird's situation that perhaps will help you, too!  Lucky Jim

[MockingbirdHL]

LuckyJim - thanks for your reply, and yes, I have been thinking along those lines ... . Do I want to go through (on average) two break-ups / cooling off periods / whatever you want to call them every year for the rest of my life?  Honestly, I'd rather not.

But I do have myself convinced that we can both benefit from long-term T and therefore I'm still willing to take that risk.

I'm a fighter - maybe I don't give in easily enough!  The past few months I've really been working hard not to JADE (my natural instincts).

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL:

Those are good signs!  I wish you two the best of luck. 

Lucky Jim:

No problem!  I appreciate your input!