18 months out. You can do it and yes you will be happy

[MeMeMe]

Hi

I've been split with my exBPD for 18 months after a 3 year relationship which ended with an extremely bad way. I'd just like to say to you all you can do it, reading your posts makes me so sad as I know the pain you are feeling. Like your heart is breaking and you can't breath.

It's been a long and painfull lesson but you will come through it. In a way, I've found an inner peace which I didn't think was possible. I made mistakes during the break up ( drunken visit!) but I believe that happened to keep me moving forward. You can end up seeing the BPD with more clarity than ever and everything will " drop" into place. It's hard but the end result is worth it and its never you may realise your true love, the one that is like no other and the one you cannot live without, is nothing but a lie.

I'm now in a place where I have no feelings for my ex. I'm past the trying to help him, asking why things happened. And honestly I just don't care, my love for him was built on an untrue perception. And I hope you all find this inner peace and clarity.

Keep your chins up, the lesson you learn from this maybe the hardest, but most rewarding gift you were ever given.

Good luck to you all xx

[bondafc]

Thank you.

I am nine months into NC and just starting to realize how goofy and weird the entire episode was. How abusive and nasty she was to me.

I have invested WAY too much energy trying to figure out what I could have done differently.  I still wake up thinking about her.

Ruminating. Role playing outcomes and conversations.

I look forward to not thinking about her.

[Bananas]

Hi

I've been split with my exBPD for 18 months after a 3 year relationship which ended with an extremely bad way. I'd just like to say to you all you can do it, reading your posts makes me so sad as I know the pain you are feeling. Like your heart is breaking and you can't breath.

It's been a long and painfull lesson but you will come through it. In a way, I've found an inner peace which I didn't think was possible. I made mistakes during the break up ( drunken visit!) but I believe that happened to keep me moving forward. You can end up seeing the BPD with more clarity than ever and everything will " drop" into place. It's hard but the end result is worth it and its never you may realise your true love, the one that is like no other and the one you cannot live without, is nothing but a lie.

I'm now in a place where I have no feelings for my ex. I'm past the trying to help him, asking why things happened. And honestly I just don't care, my love for him was built on an untrue perception. And I hope you all find this inner peace and clarity.

Keep your chins up, the lesson you learn from this maybe the hardest, but most rewarding gift you were ever given.

Good luck to you all xx

Thanks for taking the time to post that.  I have hope that I will get there!

[MeMeMe]

9 months is good going, well done! It takes a while doesnt it for your head and heart to reconnect. I used to know how I'd been treated was absolutely disgusting but my heart wouldn't accept it. All my heart said was "yeah but you love him!". After a year that completely stopped. It's great to be free.

I hope what you wish for comes sooner rather than later xx

[MeMeMe]

You will bananas, I promise! If it helps, I didn't think it was possible to love someone like I did my ex. He consumed me but now... . there's nothing. Not even dislike or anger. Plus I've got a new man in my life who's lovely. If I can do it, you certainly can.

I used to be devastated as I thought I couldn't love anyone else like I did for my ex, those intense passionate feelings. Now there's no desire to feel those feelings ever again. They are associated with a dangerous unhealthy relationship.

I wish you the best xx

[Lucky Jim]

Hi MeMeMe, Like you, I have no interest in bringing that BPD energy back into my life.  It's too exhausting!  It was extremely unhealthy and debilitating for me on many levels: emotionally, physically and financially.  So I'm happy to be on a different path.

BondAFC, In my view, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out went wrong and I  suggest that you try to place a limit on time spent ruminating.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder and the triggering events change from moment to moment, so all that analyzing and pondering doesn't really change things, in my experience.

Thanks to all, LuckyJim

[leftbehind]

Thank you, MeMeMe   I feel hopeful reading your words.

[HostNoMore]

I also am 18 months long gone from my exBPD just like MMM.  It's also celebration time too for 14 months of blissful NC.

I will confirm that everything said by MMM about your future is so very spot on true.  I second it.

For anyone just starting out, it does seem like an impossible hill to climb, but you will do it.  With the healing power of time and self-reflection your new self is just waiting for you to join it on the other side. 

Even though, I'd never want to repeat the experience.  I am thankful for the things she exploited that I've now addressed to make me a better man.  I remember that my exBPDgf once told me she that was preparing me for my next gf.  At the time I had no clue what she meant, now I realize she helped me in ways that cannot be enumerated. 

Of course, she did not "help" me out of some BPD altruism.  It's just the sugar coating on top of a very nasty experience.

[lifesentence]

you may realise your true love, the one that is like no other and the one you cannot live without, is nothing but a lie.

Can you elaborate?

[bondafc]

In a weird way, I realize now that my exBPD took me to school.

I had recently left a loveless marriage and was vulnerable when I met her.

I was so desperate to figure out how to "win her over" once the push-pull started, that I studied dating strategies, woman's psychology, self-esteem material, men's psychology etc. etc... .

I am better for the effort and have developed my relationship requirements and list of red flags.

Not done yet with the churning, but I am in a much better place.

[MeMeMe]

Thank you, lovely to hear from you and I'm pleased for those who are making progress. LS, ill try to elaborate the best I can. I can't put into words my love for this man and this love completely blinded me to his behaviour. I was so entwined with him, I overlooked obvious things. I allowed him to continue developing online relationships with other women etc as he told me I was simply being jealous and he hasn't physically done anything. Firstly, if you truly love someone, you don't hurt them like this. In my head, I'd believed what he said when he told me I was the love of his life. It's a lie. Eg I love my parents and would never intentionally hurt them. If someone is doing things to you which they know will hurt you, they don't care = they don't love you.

When we split (one of the numerous times ) he used to email me sections of the love scenes in the Notebook. I now know he did exactly the same to his ex before me. In fact, our script was pretty much the same as his and hers. He told me our love was deep and special, he told her the same. Another lie.

He mirrored me well, as he did her. His whole personality is fake... . another lie. It's like falling for a chameleon, they will be whoever they need to be to escape who they are. They are lying to themselves so are defiantly lying to you.

HNM, ahh your post made me smile, were singing off the same page. Well freakin done.

Bomdafc,  so pleased your in a better place 

[Newton]

And I, MeMeMe... . are so glad YOU are in a better place 

You had a very rough ride of things... . it's fantastic to see your insightful posts encouraging others of how much can change for the good in a relatively short space of time.

I'm so very pleased for you     

[Jaldridge77]

Thank you everybody for the encouraging words... . It gives me hope... . My H has left me 4 different times... . he is doing the push-pull thing right now... . He loves me he hates me... . says cruel things to me... . I went to my T yesterday... . I had a good session... . She flat out told me to end it... . I do love him... . and it is very difficult for me... . But I am hoping that I can find peace and get to where you guys are... .

[MeMeMe]

Hi Newton  ! How are you doing? Thank you for your reply, you were extremely supportive in my time of need and ill always be thankful for that. I hope your in a good place.

Me too Jaldridge, I hope you find the way out and the road to healing.

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks for this thread - my relationship just ended 2 weeks ago, and we've been LC for about 6 weeks.  It's great to hear from someone on the other side as I'm having a sad day today and wondering how I'll ever get through.  Your words are encouraging.   

[Jaldridge77]

I have a quick question... . My H and I went to a T for marriage counseling... . and she had made the suggestion that we come separately... . I went by myself... . and it was at this time that she told me he had BPD... . We are not living together now... . but he is seeing me when he wants of course... . but I am trying to detach... . I have mentioned to him that he should see her and work on his "issues"... . He told me he was never going back because all of the lies I told her... . of course... . He says there is absolutely nothing wrong with him... . it is all me... . I didn't put in the work... . I need to grow up... . I need to stop playing the victim... . I want to tell him so bad what she told me... . He would never believe it... . But what do you do in that situation?  I would love for him to get help... . even if we go through with the divorce... . I want to talk to his family... . I am so curious as to what they would say... . Do i just let it go or do I try and talk to him about it? 

[MeMeMe]

Hi Jaldridge. I can give you advice based on my experience, I'm in no way an expert on BPD but have picked up some valuable advice from what I learned on here and how my ex was. He never thought he had a problem, it was always me too. When he was developing online relationships with other women, it was my fault for not being with him at the time (although he used to message them whilst I was lay next to him in bed  ). This is one of the most damaging aspects as you lose your sense or right and wrong, what is acceptable and what isn't. Your partner has already said it's your fault, you can't change that frame of mind. If you turn it around, if you were 100% sure you were not crazy, would you take advice to go and see a T? No, because your 100% sure your not crazy.

Also, this would require them having to face up to the fact that they are ill. And that is a no no as they already think they are bad people. So avoiding acceptance if their behaviour and denying it is easier for them than having to admit to what's going on.

I'm not the best at explaining things but I'm trying, bare with me.

You will not know my story but I gave my ex everything and went back time after time. he was spiteful, selfish and ive witnessed shocking rage. It ended when I called time on our relationship when I found out he had joined another dating website and was emailing several other women again. He was a police officer and ultimately he forced entry into my house and starting cutting himself up with a bread knife in my kitchen. I've been emotionally shattered and it's taken 18 months to repair my head to what it is today.

He denied doing this until the police told him they had a knife with his prints on. He then spread lies about me around our local town that I was a druggie, I cheated on him and I was crazy. How do you reason with that? And to this day, all of this is my fault in his head. Don't under estimate how things can turn, pushing your partner to see a T may end badly for you. You never know what they will do next. In my opinion (and this is only my opinion), just let it go and move on. Save yourself further years of damage to yourself and trying to reason with him. The longer you stay, the more damaged you become yourself. I knew I was losing myself, hell I'd even began to understand him, which is frightening!

In my experience, his family 100% sided with him. There is nothing they won't do to protect him. They also lied to me, spread lies about me. I suppose it depends on his relationship with them but I found that the apple never falls far from the tree and blood is thicker than water.