Reacting vs responding

[united for now]

Reactions are often described as passionate feelings, thoughts or behaviors that arise from the personality. They are defensive reactions and therefore are not coming from our higher self. Reactions arise from a place in ourselves that separates us from understanding the other. Reactions are separating and tend to cause breakdown in relationships. When we don’t take time to breathe and monitor our response to a situation, we come from a passionate place inside of us that is often based in history, not in the present moment.

This historical memory of hurt, injury, betrayal, etc is combined with the heat of the moment and has a way of escalating the feeling, thought, or behavior, turning it into a defensive reaction that separates us from our self, others and the higher/God self. Of course this reaction only serves to further injure the other person, as well as ourselves, creating more fuel for further reactions.

If we are able to interrupt the REACTION and instead CHOOSE how we will RESPOND, then situations that tend to injure and harm (physically, mentally and emotionally) can be greatly reduced. My belief is that the world would be a much better place if we could gain control over our reactions and simply breathe and then respond from a place of choice.

Modified from "Response versus Reaction"

www.goconscious.com/home/articles/response_versus_reaction.html


stimulus ==> reaction

stimulus ==> Mindfulness ==> response

Discussion

I believe that our reactions tend to keep the dysfunctional cycle going, and that the only way to break that cycle is to pause, take a step back, breathe, and bring some curiosity into our thoughts before we respond. Curiosity about "why" this person is behaving as they are. Curiosity about "what" caused them to lash out at you.  This curiosity will lead you to understanding and compassion so that your "response" is more in tune with your long term goals, love and respect for the other person.

Responses come from the heart and are based on the present and our goals for the future.

Reactions come from the hurt child inside of us and are based on the past and ignore our goals for the future.


What barriers do you see that prevent you from responding?

What would it take to reach that place of responding instead of reacting?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I find myself reacting when I'm tired or overwhelmed.  When I'm well rested and haven't over committed, I'm more mindful and can take that necessary breath before speaking.  Unfortunately, I don't sleep well and I'm not as good at saying "no" to things as I'd like to be.  That's where it has to begin for me.  I know my limitations, yet I won't say no until I've gone beyond where I'm comfortable.  My moment of enlightenment will be when I let go of the need to feel needed and know my motivation for doing. 

[daylily]

This is great advice and an awesome thread, UFN!  I've been really struggling with this lately and I think a lot of it is what Rocky is talking about - it's much harder to not "react" when I'm in a vulnerable state due to stress, lack of sleep, being hungry, etc.  A lot of times too, when the kids are around screaming in the background, I'm not focused on my uBPDh or what is occuring between us, so I am kind of on "reaction autopilot."  Essentially, I'm multitasking by taking care of the kids and talking to H, and doing neither very well.   Also, I'm having trouble with being curious about why my H may be acting a certain way because I'm so resentful and angry.  I just don't give a rat's butt about his feelings right now.  But I think that once I start a cycle of more healthy responses, there will be less resentment because there will (hopefully) be a healthier relationship between me and H.

I am not sure what it will take to stop reacting and start responding, especially when I'm combatting resentment.  I'm very interested in what has worked for you, UFN, and for others. 

  Daylily

[cult]

Reactions are often described as passionate feelings, thoughts or behaviors that arise from the personality. They are defensive reactions and therefore are not coming from our higher self. Reactions arise from a place in ourselves that separates us from understanding the other. Reactions are separating and tend to cause breakdown in relationships. When we don’t take time to breathe and monitor our response to a situation, we come from a passionate place inside of us that is often based in history, not in the present moment.

This historical memory of hurt, injury, betrayal, etc is combined with the heat of the moment and has a way of escalating the feeling, thought, or behavior, turning it into a defensive reaction that separates us from our self, others and the higher/God self. Of course this reaction only serves to further injure the other person, as well as ourselves, creating more fuel for further reactions.

If we are able to interrupt the REACTION and instead CHOOSE how we will RESPOND, then situations that tend to injure and harm (physically, mentally and emotionally) can be greatly reduced. My belief is that the world would be a much better place if we could gain control over our reactions and simply breathe and then respond from a place of choice.

Modified from "Response versus Reaction"

www.goconscious.com/home/articles/response_versus_reaction.html


Discussion

I believe that our reactions tend to keep the dysfunctional cycle going, and that the only way to break that cycle is to pause, take a step back, breathe, and bring some curiosity into our thoughts before we respond. Curiosity about "why" this person is behaving as they are. Curiosity about "what" caused them to lash out at you.  This curiosity will lead you to understanding and compassion so that your "response" is more in tune with your long term goals, love and respect for the other person.

Responses come from the heart and are based on the present and our goals for the future.

Reactions come from the hurt child inside of us and are based on the past and ignore our goals for the future.


What barriers do you see that prevent you from responding?

What would it take to reach that place of responding instead of reacting?

Barriers that present me from responding are my intense fear and deep resentments/unspoken expectations of my partner.

Reaching a place of responding would require me to have confidence and faith that I will be OK regardless of the condition of my partner, and discharging my resentments and expectations by setting healthy boundaries with her. Now that she has PTSD and depression, it's going to be even harder for me to do this. At present I feel very responsible for my partner's well being. I have literally taken care of her since 2009, when she lost her job. I should have made different choices but there we are.

I am terrible at setting boundaries. My relationship with my partner is completely enmeshed and has been for the duration. She filled the deep psychic hole caused by the fact that my parents were a poor fit for me, odd as that is to say. I never felt safe and never had emotional fulfillment growing up. My mother used me to fill the hole inside of her and still attempts to do that, as a matter of fact.

My entire relationship needs an overhaul along with my beliefs and attitudes. This is going to be hard work! But it is worth it - for me - whether or not this relationship endures. SO to answer the original question, I feel that when I begin to set and enforce boundaries my ability to respond (as opposed to react) will be improved.

[briefcase]

I hadn't really thought of it in terms of "curiosity."  But, the more I think about it, the more I think that is the right word.  It's about pausing to consider what's really happening rather than just reacting.  Often, for me, the answer is that my wife is struggling with her emotions, and her lashing out has less to do with me than with what's going on inside her.  This realization makes detachment much easier, so it makes more sense to take a time out in these situations than to engage her on an emotional level.  

Of course, sometimes my wife has a valid point (even if she's not expressing it in away I would like), and I can sometimes work with that.  

[almost789]

Im starting to reach that place where I can respond rather than react. Not always, but I have improved. Key for me is first identifying what your triggers are. Actually look at your past history and your reactions and identify specifically what it is that makes you react. Once you do this you can begin to recognize when your being triggered.  So, take a deep breath and realize you are about to react out of pure emotion and the outcome will likely not be the one you would prefer. Actually THINK about what outcome you want in this situation, ideally. Then think about how you should respond in order to get the outcome you want. And if you can't "think" in that moment then just don't react, wait, and respond AFTER the emotion is not so strong and you can actually think. The turning point for me was deciding that I didn't want to react. Prior to this it was not that I can't control my response but rather that I didn't want to. So, it starts with motivation for change, identification of triggers, then concious choices, rather than subconcious reactions.

[Chosen]

Such a timely reminder!  I am slowly practising responding, but sometimes I forget it and things get worse.  (like these few days)

Also, my uBPDh has a way of breaking me down physically and emotionally- hours and hours of fighting, only to continue into the night or picked up again the next day.  Even if I had done well for 1 day, by the second I would be so out of myself that I forget to "respond" and resort to "reacting"... . !

[united for now]

Reacting comes from inside of "us" though - not some outside force.

No one causes us to react. It is your emotions overtaking your wise mind. When you are feeling weak, overwhelmed, stressed, tired, hungry or confused THAT is when you most need to step back and stay out of any discussion. Those feelings are your body saying HEY! I need to regroup.

Listen to your body and not your emotions.

Trust me, the first time seems super scary and your partner won't like it. The cool part is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the better the long term outcome is - for you, for them, and for the health of the relationship 

[Chosen]

Yes, UFN.  Even when in a emotionally driven, physically deprived state, I have repeated asked H to let us have a time out and come back to it later.

When he refused I should have just taken it for myself anyway, instead of reacting to whatever reason he gave/ his further attacks.  This doesn't do us any good.   I agree that we need to be mindful of our own situation and know our limits.

[united for now]

Asking isn't the same as "doing"... . this is where we need to act as leaders and do what we know is best instead of following their lead.

[almost789]

Certainly, Chosen, Borderline Personality Disordered people can wear you down emotionally. They are also good at identifying your triggers and intentionally pushing thoses trigger buttons. No, you can't do anything about what they do, but you can chose how you will respond to it. Mindfulness and DBT skills can help the non borderline significantly as well if you have a borderline in your life since borderlines are always projecting their stuff onto you in an attempt to cause you to react and act out what they are feeling, but are unwilling to deal with within themselves. AJ Mahari writes a good article on this it is called. The Borderline Personality Dance and The Non-Borderlines' Dilemma. The simplest way to eliminate these reactions is to remove the person from you life. However, if your unable or unwilling to do that, you need to focus on learning how to overcome those triggered reactions, usually via learning mindfullness technique for yourself. Otherwise you are destined to just repeat and repeat behavior that isn't good for your health.

[yeeter]

I am not sure what it will take to stop reacting and start responding, especially when I'm combatting resentment.  I'm very interested in what has worked for you, UFN, and for others.  

1)  Take care of yourself.  Both emotionally and physically

2)  Become less dependent upon your partner for these basic needs

3)  Eat properly

4)  Exercise

5)  Connect with friends and family that love you on a regular basis

6)  Make time for some of your own hobbies and interests

7)  Learn how to disengage.  To stop making things worse.

8)  Get other parts of your life under control (work stress, financial stress, time stress, etc)

9)  Take ownership of your own life, and your own happiness (see all above).  LEAD/LIVE it.

10)  ... . a thousand other things, am sure lots of great ideas will come!

[briefcase]

In the beginning, it helped me to consciously work on this, because it didn't come naturally to me.  My instinct was to react.  So, I'd take long walks and think about what I would do the next time my wife got dysregulated or verbally abusive.  I had to spend some time actually thinking . . . the next time she screams or calls me a name, I'll simply walk away and take a time out and won't react. If I didn't do this, I would forget everything in the heat of the moment and say or do something that was pure reaction. 

Good news, it does get a lot easier in the long run and is very effective at ending verbal abuse.   

[Chosen]

Agreedm briefcase!  I'm always giving myself pep talks like that 

Have you heard that if you have a recurring dream, you can re-write the story when you are awake and keep on telling yourself that, and the next time you have the dream it will happen differently?  I suppose during our more level-headed, "conscious" moments we need to train ourselves what to do, so that it becomes second nature to us when we are in that "dream".  Easier said than done, but it works (I'm nowhere near a "completed" work yet myself... . )

[united for now]

Celebrate the small successes and learn from your mistakes. Growth and change happens in small increments.

When you reflect on any reactions you had, ask yourself why... . what was going through your head? Especially what fears you were avoiding or hoping to avoid.

Each time you feel the urge to react - take a deep breathe to allow your wise mind to work. This can interrupt your emotional mind long enough to rethink your urges.

[moonunit]

I think this is a great thread, here is a question.

If you take your break because your seeing a " reaction " coming, how do you deal with your SO when they flip out, either at the moment you  take the break or when you return to the topic later.

Ie. i return to speak to my SO about a "hot" topic and her response will be twofold:

1. Oh, so you decided to grace me with your presence and talk now, NO, i will not talk now just because YOU have decided it is a good time

2. Don' t you dare walk away from me now, you come back here right this moment and finish this conversation, i am not done yet !

3. Who do you think you are, if you do not stay here right now i will do X or i will never talk to you again and you will never set foot in my home again !

Of course all of this is followed  by multiple and multiple phone calls which only get nastier and nastier when i don't respond.

This is what i face and this is what i need help with

Thanks       

[123Phoebe]

I think this is a great thread, here is a question.

If you take your break because your seeing a " reaction " coming, how do you deal with your SO when they flip out, either at the moment you  take the break or when you return to the topic later.

Ie. i return to speak to my SO about a "hot" topic and her response will be twofold:

1. Oh, so you decided to grace me with your presence and talk now, NO, i will not talk now just because YOU have decided it is a good time

2. Don' t you dare walk away from me now, you come back here right this moment and finish this conversation, i am not done yet !3. Who do you think you are, if you do not stay here right now i will do X or i will never talk to you again and you will never set foot in my home again !Of course all of this is followed  by multiple and multiple phone calls which only get nastier and nastier when i don't respond.

This is what i face and this is what i need help with

Thanks        

Hi moonunit

Here's my short version to your examples:

1. Oh, so you decided to grace me with your presence and talk now, NO, i will not talk now just because YOU have decided it is a good time

(deep breath) Okay, I can see this isn't a good time for you.  Maybe later, then.  

(walk away, she's dysregulated)

2. Don't you dare walk away from me now, you come back here right this moment and finish this conversation, i am not done yet !

(deep breath-- Perhaps we can discuss it later when we're both calmer.  I'll be back later)

3. Who do you think you are, if you do not stay here right now i will do X or i will never talk to you again and you will never set foot in my home again !

(deep breath-- I hear you and the decisions/choices you will make.  I will honor them.  I choose to talk about this later when we're both calmer-- leave, she's dysregulated)

Of course all of this is followed  by multiple and multiple phone calls which only get nastier and nastier when i don't respond.

(deep breath-- Don't answer and delete messages)

By doing these things, we're not feeding into the disorder, giving it energy, letting it thrive.  Their dysregulated state will minimize in future scenarios also, when they realize we mean what we say and that we're doing it with love for the health of the relationship.

Even if they can't fully comprehend why we're responding the way we are, they learn through our actions what we will do.

It's so very important that we remain calm and consistent.  When we 'react' with just as much emotional energy as they're displaying/saying, to what they're displaying/saying (when dysregulated), it gives 'their disordered stuff' weight and merit.

Walk away and resume later when everyone is calm.  A lot of the time the yucky behaviors cease,  when there's no one to mirror or attach 'their stuff' to.

Hope this helps a little

[123Phoebe]

This is an excellent thread and something that took a long time for me to grasp, as my own triggers were thrown into overdrive a lot of the time.  My anxiety would peak, worse case scenarios flourished and I had to have an outlet from my own disordered thoughts--- HIM.  And if he wouldn't accept my emotional reactions, I felt like he didn't get or care about me at all.  Talk about black & white thinking

It's so twisted, really... .  I would react to him like he was my mother (where my triggers originated from), only I was reacting to him LIKE MY MOTHER would   Kooky.

I've had to completely individuate from mom and re-parent myself.  Nurture my child self.  So that now when I'm triggered I have a reference point, to what's actually going on within me.

Ex:  

Am I in need of some alone time when he wants to do something?  It's okay to say so, without thinking 'he only wants to see me when he wants to!', and reacting as such, creating drama.

Does he need a little time and space?  Fine.  I can go about my life minus feeling abandoned.

Did he glance at a pretty girl walking in?  :)oesn't have to mean he's going to leave me high and dry for her.  

These are just a few examples of triggers that mom planted the seeds for.  They're her triggers that were instilled in me:

Men are selfish and out for themselves.  They don't want you.  They will leave you.  

Behave accordingly, essentially.  And I would

Now, like you've mentioned UfN-- Curiosity... .  Not only for what they're doing, but for how we react/respond to what we think they're doing to us.

I remember one of the headers on this board-- Think about it... . (paraphrasing) Did you know that people accusing others of having a personality disorder sometimes have one themselves?  <--Ha, I think I botched that one up good, but that's how I took it, to heart.  Here I am having these issues with people that I'm close to; they cannot be the only ones with issues, I must have them too... .  I was curious enough to delve into the ultimate experience-- getting to know myself.  Shew, unbelievable.

So yea, I'm rambling now, but all of that stuff has helped me to detach enough (step aside) from what's going on before me/within me, allowing space to respond -vs- react to it.  I only makes sense that the people I'm interacting with have their own stuff going on too, that originated long before I came on the scene... .  Get to know them, at their own speed, their own time... .  If it jibes with mine, great!  If not, great too!  There's a lot of life to experience for everyone

[united for now]

What has playing by her rules gotten you?

Does she love you more?

Does she respect you more?

Is the relationship better after you give in to her demands?

Reacting is what she knows and feels comfortable with. She emotionally Black mails you to stay in control. And you let her... .

It isn't healthy though, for you, for her, or for the relationship. Learn to create some distance to gain some clarity. That way your responses are based on healthy patterns that you control.

[united for now]

Change your perception and you change your life.

Nothing changes without changes... .

[toomanyeggshells]

Such a useful thread! I'm getting pretty good at responding rather than reacting although there are times when I completely lose my cool and scream right back.  I know it only makes things worse, and I feel bad about myself when I let myself get drawn in.  Most of the time I'm able to walk away. 

What I need help with is in how to respond.  I've always had a problem with validating and I believe that this would make things with uBPDbf better. He's very insecure and anxious and if I could validate his feelings, without having to take time to figure out how  to say things, it would help greatly.  My problem is that its usually not until a while later that I realize what I should have said.  Either I don't say anything and let him talk (until it turms into screaming and I leave the room) or I say something that I realize after the fact is invalidating.  What I need to do is re-read the lessons on this. 

[united for now]

Develop the habit of slowing down your reactions to search for responses.

How?

By practicing  during times of peace.  Practice with friends, coworkers, neighbors, your children, your family, even the sales person who tries to sell you something you aren't interested in.

Practice mindfulness meditation on your own. There are numerous sites and places that can help you learn about mindfulness and videos to practice with.

It all starts with you.