What now?

[Wishful thinking]

BPDh is throwing divorce in my face everytime i hurt his feelings unintentional of course. I called him a mad person two days back all in jest and then we had an argument over his finances.

He then got angry and have since then been ignoring me.

What the heck goes on in their heads is what i would like to know. Is he projecting? Does he mean to say that he doesnt love me. That im not the person for him.

Yesterday he let me know that he doesnt think our marriage will make it. He says im better off without him. For us to go our seperate ways. He keeps on saying that I dont love him the way he needs to be loved. And he questions my love for him.

Is this projecting? Maybe he hates me now.

Im sure im being painted black.  Until when, I dont know. Its not nice to be in these phases.

Why do i fear he will leave me when sometimes i feel like i want to leave.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

I could have written your post. In fact when my husband gets angry at me he says all those exact things. "You aren't the one for me", "You don't love me how I need to be Loved", "I'm better off without him", "We are getting a divorce", "We are no more" ect.

Then once he calms down he takes it back. It's exausting and makes you wonder why you are still around. I know why I fear him leaving, I am Codependent and I'm working on it. Codependent people cling to the people who abuse them. I read the Book Codpendent No More and it basically made me aware of my feelings and why I do certain things, like staying in my relationship when my husband tells me he hates me.

Anyways, from what I have gatherd these kinds of arguments are common with BPD relationships.

[Wishful thinking]

Yeah. I probably am co dependant.

Sometimes i want to leave and sometimes i have hope. Is it wrong to hope?

Leaving for me would be giving up hope completely.  I often think about my wedding day and it was the happiest day of my life. And now im coming to terms with the fact that i might never ever be happy in this marriage again.

I knew he had BPD. And us getting married is now my fault because now he sees i cant handle it. When he calms down h would say he loves me. He would say he is sorry. He also regularly prints out things for me about BPD and says i need to become stronger in the relationship. Because they need someone who is strong and constant. But to me he needs someone who is perfect.

When he is angry, he gets quiet for days and seems to be in survival mode until he gets out of it. Nothing would be his fault of course. Any affection gets shrugged off which hurts me terribly. BPD is always his excuse. Its not me its BPD he wold always say

Two years down the line and i feel beaten and down. His words crushes me. I read the undecided board often and cant help but feel that its better to leave... . and then a good few weeks comes along and then life is cool. Until i rock his boat which most of the times im not aware of.

Its good to know you going thru similar things.

Deep down theres this little voice that says I DONT DESERVE THIS. I DONT WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT. And then the hope that things will change, settles in.

[Cloudy Days]

Is your husband getting treatment? I felt completley hopeless for a long time and my husband sort of hit rock bottom and I asked him to get therapy or I would have to rethink our marriage. He is going and has shown a great deal of improvement after a year. It's given me a lot of hope. Yes, I think it's ok to have hope, but you need to be realistic too. Acceptance is also vital to us getting to a place that we can be ok. If we hang on to that fairy tale for the rest of our lives we will just continue to be disapointed. Have you ever thought about getting therapy for yourself. It can really help you sort out your feelings and also help you stay grounded. If anything I do suggest your read more about Codependency, when you see what you are doing wrong you can fix it. Because after all we can't change them, we can only change ourselves. I realized just how much my behavior affected my husband in a bad way.

[Chosen]

I get that a lot too.  He is always threatening to leave me, that we will be divorced... .

What I used to do is to get hurt and be filled with fear... . what if he really does?  Then what?

Now I understand that it is just the expression of his feelings- that his negative emotions are so strong that he wants them to go away.  Usually it also is just a threat.  But I am no longer governed by fear- if he chooses to leave, he can, he's an adult and I have right to keep him here.  However, I have repeatedly told him that it is not my choice and preference, and I am not leaving.

I suppose there is always the unknown, whether he really will do it.  But this is something I can never control so I have kind of learnt not to fear it now.

[Wishful thinking]

Thnx Chosen

Think i need to move pass this point of being fearful when he threatens divorce. Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.

Im still trying to accept this whole thing. Im still in the mode where I want the good times to come back when. I came to understand it was the idealizing phase. But its like im stuck there. Waiting for it it to return.

His 13yr old has just been diagnosed with bipolar and was started on meds. We think its BPD as he has always suspected it. We not in close reach of her.

Im on a different continent. Therapists are only available during business hours. Which makes it impossible for ea of us to be in therapy as we are not in our homecountry nor are we allowed to take off on such a regular basis.

Plus he doesnt want to have therapy with anyone who does not offer DBT. Me on the other hand am looking for someone at the moment because im going to explode if i dont get to talk things out.

Im wanting to try and understand whats going on his mind. Really. His change in mood comes like a thief in the night. And im always off guard when this happens. Hence it takes days just to get it out of him as to what went wrong. When he finally lets me in i fall into JADE mode which doesnt help. He goes all quiet and i just leave him.

Last night he wouldnt even allow me to give him a goodnight kiss. But 30min later he was in the bedroom looking for attention and my affection. By then i was sulking already. And told him that he cant expect me to pamper him everytime he is rude. But this happens all the time. He expects me to just park my emotions and move on whenever he's ready.

[MockingbirdHL]

Totally agree with all that's been said here. I'm also in the middle of one of dBPDh's episodes where he keeps saying he thinks he wants a divorce and our love is not enough etc. I've been hearing this on and off for a month now. In that month he's spent a total of five nights at our house with me.

I'm

So

Tired.

[Chosen]

Yikes MockingbirdHL... . my H has left me for the first time yesterday (I mean physically spent the night away from our home)... . hopefully when he comes back he will be calmer (and I will also be), but it this just the beginning of him storming away all the time?

[MockingbirdHL]

Chosen, this is the first time my H has physically left the house and stayed away since we've been married. When he first left he said it was for two nights. Well I guess he didn't calm down quite soon enough because it actually took 15 days before he came home. Home for give days and then I come home from work a week ago and he's gone again. I haven't seen him since and we've been very low LC.

It's been as awful month. I've cried a lot. I've been up and down all over the place. I've been an emotional wreck for the most part.

But for some reason today I wasn't that way. Maybe I'm just resigned to the fact that he's really gone this time. Maybe I'm just over the back and forth - he will come back or he won't; that's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it.

We are supposed to get together and talk tomorrow night. Third talk in the month. First one was he think he wants a divorce. A week later he wants to work things out. He comes home. Leaves again. So now it'll be a week + later and I have no idea what he will say tomorrow.

I'm going to try not to guess what he will say. It's too exhausting!

[Chosen]

I know that feeling- the wretched feeling of uncertainty, you don't know if you meet him will things be better or worse. 

Since my H has not attempted to contact me at all, I am wondering if he really trying to calm down or is he trying to give me the silent treatment?  I guess I will know when I next see him... . no use wondering... . but still I can't help it.

Yet I'm very busy as it is and have no time to worry about such things.

[DantePakistan]

It's amazing how similar all our stories are. I'm a man but my wife could easily pass as your husband. Speaking of the codependency issue, never really looked into it till I read this post. After looking it up I said "WOW! That's me." I think it has to be somewhat true for all of us who stay in a relationship longterm with a pwBPD. Most 'normal' people would have left a long time ago. I'm glad I'm still here though, hopeful when I can convince her to do DBT, along with major changes from me, things will start to change for the better.

[MockingbirdHL]

Chosen - yes, its completely nerve-wrecking not knowing what is going to happen tonight.  If you had asked me on Tuesday, I would have said I felt OK about the impending conversation.  Even some of last night I felt that way, but this morning I am just not feeling good about it.  I know there is o point worrying about it, but I can't help but worry about it! 

[Wishful thinking]

Chosen and MB its sad. Really this makes me sad to know that you have to go through something like this. And neither of you deserve it. No one does. I can only imagine the questions and fears in your minds at all that is appening. I too wouldve been an emotional wreck with my feelings all over the place. Dealing with that plus everday life is alot to deal with.

My h text me today saying that he doesnt know how to love me. He wants to but does not know. Its a love/hate relationship from his side. When i asked what it is that i do that makes him hate me, he says its cos i called him a lunatic and that i meant it. I just said that i can see it hurt him and asked if he can forgive me. And i said im sorry for sayng such harsh words even though the intention was not to hurt him.

He wants to move on now. He stated that he wanted to divorce me. When i asked if he still wants to he said that he will choose what i want. What da hell!

When i got home he wanted hugs etc.

I still would like to know how they process things. I dont have children so i dont know how their minds work either.

Codependant definately.

The reason why i would not like for him to say he wants to go would mean a whole lot of legal things, sadness, adjustment, shame of what people say. I kinda feel better if he does it instead of me. Classic co dependant. I cant see myself disappointing, hurting someone and am willing to take the unfairness of everything even tho i dont deserve it. Getting to this point makes me realize that i git a heck of alot of mountains to climb to overcome this whole thing. And the first step would be that i need to sort out myself.

[Chosen]

When i asked if he still wants to he said that he will choose what i want. What da hell!

It is an excuse.  They say it because they cannot own up to any choice they make.  If he stays and he is miserable, then at least he can blame you for "making" him stay.   

[Wishful thinking]

Everyones posts were going thru my mind last night

When i arrived home it was like nothing ever happened. Obviously the damage has been done (i mean Im hurt).

Im very down today.