What if she's not BPD/NPD?

[flynavy]

... . crazy thought. Why is it in this world that as soon as someone has a pattern of inappropriate/unconscionable behavior we are so quick to label some disorder strictly because the behavior is not what the majority of people expect/assume is normal? What if my ex is just a spoiled brat who knows she can get what she wants from men utilizing her cutsie ways, sex and tell them what they want to hear because it has always worked for them.  I guess it really doesn't matter to me because the more I detach... . the better I feel... . the less it seems to matter either way. 

Going Florida to see my favorite sister and brother in law tomorrow, Crosby Stills and Nash Friday night at Hard Rock Cafe Biloxi Mississippi, maybe loose some money, relax on the beach, look at some beach front condos... . maybe decide to move there (Ft Walton Beach) .  It really does feel good to have those tentacles loosen and loose them one by one each and every day.  Its almost a year of trying but light at end of tunnel is getter brighter each day.  Let's see... . called off the wedding last June 30th... . last sexual rendevouse was March 15th, 2013... . never again.  For those of you just starting out... . up until just a month ago I still wanted to text her... . meet her somewhere... . but all of a sudden it was like I had an epiphany several weeks ago... . i know my wife still watches over me from UPSTAIRS!

[flynavy]

OK... . I'm replying to my own post... . but here is my major point I forgot to mention in the original.

I know i am a type A personality so when I started investigating and learned more about the Borderline and Narcissistic disorder cluster, I became obsessed to understand... . I needed to understand to make/create some sanity out of the chaos, and hurt I just went through. What i found is that while i was researching and trying to understand to the nth degree I was prolonging the attachment to a period in my life that I desperately needed and wanted to move on from.

Soo... . here's what I learned.  Yes... . understand what you just went through, why it could happen you, who you are and what made you so vulnerable, who the person you were with really is... . but realize that you are OK.  It wasn't you... . so no guilt, no longing irrational feelings for your ex, your were unwittingly brainwashed and programmed to respond to the control of your ex. 

So take control... . the only thing you have control over is you... . how you feel, what you choose to do now that you've been through this ordeal... . so do not let your ex or the disorder itself control what you do everyday... . yes learn form this, but make a concerted effort to do something very positive for yourself that has nothing to do with your ex or this disorder... . do not let either of these things run/control your life... . I learned the hard way... . but I'm a Type A Polack... . so ya see... . somebody is always a little worse off then you(my sas attempt at humor!)

[TheDude]

... . crazy thought. Why is it in this world that as soon as someone has a pattern of inappropriate/unconscionable behavior we are so quick to label some disorder strictly because the behavior is not what the majority of people expect/assume is normal?

Minus those who are/were dealing with a professionally dignosed partner, I believe there's a component of "coping mechanism" involved in attaching a disorder label. I used to diagnose mine as having "Must Be Crazy To Dump Me Personality Disorder" (UMBCTDMPDEX). It's not in the DSM yet. Neither is "ROCD", but Google it. It's another label that many here will relate to.

What I do know is that each and every day I strive to rise above it all, and not let her 'brokenness' - regardless of what it's called - define who I am and interfere with my own Personality Order. 

[mango_flower]

What if she doesn't fit the label... . ?  Well, nothing I guess.  (Though I am thinking you may have been asking a rhetorical question!).

She still has behaviours you don't want in your life.  I think there is such a spectrum, so difficult to know for sure.  Either way, you are better off now

[flynavy]

Yeah... . I guess the main point is to take care of yourself... . its definitely been one of lifes toughest lessons for me.

Yes... . she definitely is a BPD/NPD... . I want to get to a point where BPD/NPD is something I read about in the papers not htink about everyday... . I'm gettin there... . somebody here said its a journey... . and its different for each of us!

[Lady31]

Flynavy - Well if her behavior isn't because of BPD/NPD then it's probably something much worse, SO... . RUN EVEN FASTER!   Have fun at the Hard Rock - It's been a couple years since I went there.  I'm hitting up Louisiana this weekend (in TX so closer for me.)  Good luck and MUCH FUN to you!

TheDude - LMBO - Your posts & personality that comes through always cracks me up.  Thanks for the laugh.  If you sell those, I would buy 'em in bulk.

[flynavy]

TheDude is my man... . don't care what my ex is called... . it ain't gonna define me and but it certainly has given me a much better roadmap!  Being an old Naval Aviator I have quite a few acronyms I have used for my ex BPD/NPD that cannot be used here!

I'm a product of a dysfunctional family from a poor neighborhood... . adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), put myself through college, been shot at by the North Vietnamese, tried for years to help my substance abuse addicted step-son, but through it all I was married to the most LOVING, CARING, SELFLESS woman I ever met till Ovarian Cancer took her away from me... . if I have the strength to get through this no NGRMFC who happens to have a "disorder" is gonna define who I am... . like I told my boys... . life ain't fair... . I know it spades!  This  is a great place to vent, understand, and help others when they need a helping hand... . so thanks everyone!... . Hope I have helped a little too!

[Mr Bean]

This is a good question. I keep wondering the same thing. Here is what i think.

You compare her behaviour with normal people do. Do normal people do anything like her? Like my ex she likes creating fights over small things, irrational jealousy, terrorizing me, etc, etc. their beahviour are so obvious. My female friend never met her but when my ex terrorizing me on the phone she just knew something wrong with her. My friend saw that i was very stress because she kept calling me and asking stupid questions or if not kept pushing me to reply her in instant messenger while i was out with my friends. The "strange" list is endless. Then my gut feelings told me there was something wrong with her but cant figure it out what. If i had known she had BPD traits i'd have broken it up straight away. I'd have run far far away. All i can say is listen to your feelings. 90 percent its right

[causticdork]

My ex is undiagnosed, but I've gotta say that I dated a different girl for a while who was a liar and a manipulator and a user, and that girl put me through hell, but I never thought she had a personality disorder.  She was twisted and definitely lacked empathy, but her decisions and actions made sense once you realized that she viewed significant others more as tools than loved ones.   My most recent ex, the one that brought me here, had something seriously misfiring in her brain.  Yes, she was an addict and a compulsive liar, but there was more to than that.  I don't know if I would have left as soon as I did, or if I would have been so resolute during her numerous attempts to get me back if I hadn't started reading about BPD. 

So I see your point about how it doesn't really matter now that we're out of the relationships, but it definitely mattered when I was still figuring out what I wanted to do.  I suffer from that same need to make sense of everything, and without this site I'd probably still be driving myself crazy trying to work things out and make sense of her.

[Mr Bean]

  I suffer from that same need to make sense of everything, and without this site I'd probably still be driving myself crazy trying to work things out and make sense of her.

Same here. I always had a feeling that there was something wrong ith my ex till i googled if possessiveness was some kind of personality disorder. Then after a few searches, found this site and omg, she is like an open text book.

[KellyO]

People can be just jerks, or disordered jerks. There is a fine line, I think... . my ex before my ex (hahaha!) was just a jerk... . my ex was disordered jerk. Jerk was pathological lier, he had no morals and no values, he knew what he did was wrong but he just did not care, he had no feelings for others and so on. He was really just a jerk. And I would say he was very cold person. My disordered ex-jerk believed he was normal and everyone was like him. He was out of control, and more I tried to show him how much I loved him, more he got out of control. He can't control himself, so he tries to control others. Most of the time under the good-guy act he is anxious, angry and scared, and it is actually quite easy to see. His act does not go very deep. My just-jerk ex did not even have any act. He was what he was, pathological lier and user, and he did not even try to be something else.

Other one was just what he was, disordered one tries to bend the whole world to match to his disordered view. No wonder he is exhausted most of the time.