Expectation and attachment is haunting...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Something that always trips me, which contributed to my initial anxiety attacks (post break up)... . How would I or my ex who i realised has BPD and NPD would behave if we ever ran into eachother... . ? Since he broke up with me (3 months ago), he was NC with me... . and i am pretty sure he will never contact me as he is now engaged and to be married to a new girl. It's more easier for him as we both are in different countries.

Although he is my counterpart at work, all his emails to me are very professional and he never calls me if he needs to for work purpose... . I have stopped calling him (work) as well but for me it's more a fear of being hurt... . or break down/choke if i hear his voice again... . my heart races when i receive an email from him at work... . like i am going to have another axiety attack. Sometimes i am scared of viewing his FB profile (we are not friends on it)... .

This might sound funny but i just feel like he is around me... . it's purely my imagination and i know it... . but i feel like he is watching me... . and i want to get him out of my head.

At times I wonder if he ever thinks of me, misses me... . Silly of me to expect or question about things that should not matter anymore... . sometimes i wish i had no heart or could switch it off... . or wipe out every memory with this person - like he never existed... .

Any tips on how to cope with t

[crystalclear]

Something that always trips me, which contributed to my initial anxiety attacks (post break up)... . How would I or my ex who i realised has BPD and NPD would behave if we ever ran into eachother... . ? Since he broke up with me (3 months ago), he was NC with me... . and i am pretty sure he will never contact me as he is now engaged and to be married to a new girl. It's more easier for him as we both are in different countries.

Although he is my counterpart at work, all his emails to me are very professional and he never calls me if he needs to for work purpose... . I have stopped calling him (work) as well but for me it's more a fear of being hurt... . or break down/choke if i hear his voice again... . my heart races when i receive an email from him at work... . like i am going to have another axiety attack. Sometimes i am scared of viewing his FB profile (we are not friends on it)... .

This might sound funny but i just feel like he is around me... . it's purely my imagination and i know it... . but i feel like he is watching me... . and i want to get him out of my head.

At times I wonder if he ever thinks of me, misses me... . Silly of me to expect or question about things that should not matter anymore... . sometimes i wish i had no heart or could switch it off... . or wipe out every memory with this person - like he never existed... .

Any tips on how to cope with t

[DarkCurls54]

I also "feel" my pwBPD very uncannily... .   I have a feeling of "knowing" that I can't explain.  What I think about this - on a spiritual level, a "twinned soul" exists to be a Teacher.  That doesn't make the Lesson a pleasant one.  I know that I will be "affiliated" with B. on a very deep Soul level forever: but that does not mean we are "meant" to have a standard relationship with each other.

[recoil]

I've always though the bond between me and my ex was unusually strong.  It feels like a "cellular bond".  I can tell when she's nearby (feeling).  It's insanely accurate.  We work together so I get to test this often.

I will dream about her wanting to get back and she'll contact me the very same day (has happened many times over the past four months).

She has this power too.  As one small example, when we were together, she bought me a hot sauce from the grocery store.  It was my favorite one.  I don't think I ever told her about the obscure brand.  Out of all the various hot sauces there, she picked the very one I loved.  I have many, many more examples.

It wasn't mirroring that created this bond -- and it hasn't been broken either.  I think that's what makes detaching so hard (coupled with the fact she lives 15 seconds up the road from me and we work in the same building).  We used to comment how we have always lived near each other, even before dating.

How do I handle it?  It's not easy.  But I know she has a disorder.  Her actions verify it time after time.  I mourn for "what could have been" but I know it can never be.  Truth be told, it's not good for either of us. 

The link we have doesn't override the passive aggressive punishment I was starting to receive.  It doesn't compensate for her pushing me away, only to want me back later.  Trying to keep her made me a worse person.  I stopped voicing my opinion because I didn't want to lose her.  I stopped laughing.  My dreams of flying stopped.  I was with the love of my life but her disorder was killing my soul.  The link isn't worth that.

So now I'm off to find a connection with someone else; someone that is not disordered.  I enjoyed fourteen years with my late wife.  I didn't have the same link with her -- but I was happier and healthier as a person.  I want that again (not the exact same, as my late wife cannot be replaced).

The ultimate goal would be to find someone like my ex who is not disordered.  I'm not sure if that's realistic but I'm OK with searching. 

[leftbehind]

I had that same type of link with my ex too.  I would wake up within a short time of him leaving me a message on facebook, never failed.  We liked the same folk musician, the same B movie, the same 80's rap song, the same ice cream. 

Those are all silly little things but what was weird was that for valentine's he bought me this crystal heart pendant that I had been obsessed about for like 3 years, because it was a very pale amethyst that looked like quartz crystal, but with just a blush of purple.  I had never pointed it out to him, and had actually forgot about it until he bought that same one for me.  It was really one of a kind.

I still haven't had the heart to throw it out yet, but will never wear it again.

[patientandclear]

Wow, LeftBehind, that's intense.  Somehow it sums up that feeling we have all lost.

Yes, after three months of complete NC, I dreamed that my ex wrote me a letter.  The next day, he emailed.  And so on.

[almost789]

Yep, I actually do believe we are connected on a cellular or wave length kind of way. Too many coincidences happen with me and people I care about.

[LetItBe]

I had that same type of link with my ex too.  I would wake up within a short time of him leaving me a message on facebook, never failed.  We liked the same folk musician, the same B movie, the same 80's rap song, the same ice cream.  

Those are all silly little things but what was weird was that for valentine's he bought me this crystal heart pendant that I had been obsessed about for like 3 years, because it was a very pale amethyst that looked like quartz crystal, but with just a blush of purple.  I had never pointed it out to him, and had actually forgot about it until he bought that same one for me.  It was really one of a kind.

I still haven't had the heart to throw it out yet, but will never wear it again.

We have yet more similarities, leftbehind.  The connection with my ex was like that, too.  It makes it very hard to imagine another r/s. 

Crystalclear, my ex and I live very close to each other, so I understand what you said about your heart racing when he makes an appearance (even an email one).  I don't want to see him face-to-face.  Like you, I fear breaking down, being hurt, etc.  I wish it didn't have to be total NC w/him, but it does, because of his manipulative ways and the fact that I'm still not "over him" (whatever that means). 

[leftbehind]

I'm not over my ex either, NonGF.  Part of me having no contact is because I think I would break down if I saw him, and beg him to take me back.

[Bananas]

Crystalclear, my ex and I live very close to each other, so I understand what you said about your heart racing when he makes an appearance (even an email one).  I don't want to see him face-to-face.  Like you, I fear breaking down, being hurt, etc.  I wish it didn't have to be total NC w/him, but it does, because of his manipulative ways and the fact that I'm still not "over him" (whatever that means). 

I can echo all of these posts.  I think sometimes I pay too much attention to "signs" but then again they are so random and weird it is hard to ignore.  I wish I could be total NC with my ex, that my healing would be easier.  I can't.  I see him M-F at work.  I even go out of my way NOT to see him at work so I can avoid that racing heart and awful feeling in my gut.  We work in a huge building, but on the same floor.  I will purposely go out of my way to bathrooms on different floors in the building and there he will be, on that same random floor in that same obscure hallway, coming around the corner.   

[TippyTwo]

The connection feeling always interested me. If things were going well, I could easily "feel" my ex or so it seemed. If they weren't going well, I couldn't.

It has been 4 weeks of NC and 8 weeks of detaching. Today, I can "feel" her. It worries me. I am laying low lest we inadvertently run into each other. Nothing good can come of that.

[crystalclear]

These strange feelings I still carry with me is one of the major reasons I miss him... . and wonder does he ever miss me as much too... .

I am confused how a person could be so sensitive, romantic and emotional yet then suddenly become cold, insensitive and cruel... .

[leftbehind]

Crystal Clear... . Ditto for me.  It's amazing how similar the experiences of some of us on this site are.

[LetItBe]

I am confused how a person could be so sensitive, romantic and emotional yet then suddenly become cold, insensitive and cruel... .

Me, too.

[Changed4safety]

Ha... . I had a very strong connection with my ex.  Recently after me refusing to get back together four times over the course of a year, he took up immediately with someone else, swore we'd stay close, and then I dropped off the planet as far as he was concerned.  More about that elsewhere, but on Friday, I found out that I would be going to China for business.  China is a place my ex always longed to go.  He didn't know anything about this going on, but out of the blue, I get a text from him saying "So, I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself!"

The same day. 



We always swore we were soulmates.  I think we were.  At least, as the below defines it:

From "Eat, Pray, Love":  People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... . ”

Sounds about right.