Do they always cheat?

[Rocknut]

All BPDs are invidivual human beings. They don't all act the same. However, part of the criteria for being BPD is impulsive behavior, especially in the sexual area.

My BPD boyfriend is, and has always been addicted to sex, constantly. After my devaluation he got heavy in to drugs. He started dissapearing for days at a time. He stopped going home after work(I don't live with him but I would wait for him at his house) There were several nights I waited till 3am and he never showed. He got off work at 10.

He always told me he would never cheat. He said cheating was his biggest fear... .

Well, 3 weeks ago we were laying in bed. This was the first time I had seen him in 9 days. After sex, he said to me, "good thing you pleased me tonight. You know sexual dissatisfaction is the number 1 cause of cheating." I didn't know what to say. I just sat there in silence. Surely he wasnt saying what I thought?

The next night we were getting intimate and he said, "be careful with it. I will need to use it when im cheating on you." At this point I said, "what?" I got up to leave. This started a massive argument that eventually lead to him hitting me for the first time.

After he hit me I didn't see him for 11 days... . Until he came over yesterday. We were talking about what had happened. He said, "im tired of you thinking I will cheat on you." Then I said, "where were you all those nights that I waited?" He said, "ugh... . I dont remember." He said this with a smirk.

I then asked when the last time he had sex was. He said, "I havnt head sex since... . uh *eyes shifty*... . I was with you... . "

So, It would be a safe bet to say he is cheating on me? I have numerous reasons to end this relationship. Cheating is something I just cant take though... .

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[Vindi]

maybe he is insecure with himself, and may cheat cuz he thinks you are... . thats sometimes what i wonder too w/my bf.

Another huge is him hitting you, that is not right, that is dometic abuse and you should read into it more. Cuz if he did it once

he will probably to the hitting again, and you do not deserve that.

I'd worry more of my safety now, than his possible cheating... . and decide if you truly want to be with a man like this.

[MaybeSo]

He hit you.

Game over.

Physical abuse almost always escalates.

Please talk with a domestic violence counselor. You are in dangerous territory.

[konablue89]

My wife has cheated numerous times. Her latest is still going on now. She told me she met him on a dating website ( which she says she posted herself as "married looking for friends" ). Turns out she had been talking to him since January. She claims she has never met him in person and only talk via chat rooms. I can believe that because he lives about 150 miles away. I told her she needs to end it or we can not be together anymore. She was ok when she told him ( she was in control ) He pleaded her not to end it. The next day she is driving to work and having a nervous breakdown, she texts me all day from work telling me she is so upset and cant take it. Later in the day she calls and we are talking about it and it turns out that morning he told her she was probably right and they should work on themselves and their marriages ( which is what she told me she told him the night before). Well that set her off the deep end (she wasnt in control )We had a blowout that night and I said i'm done unless she ends it and I want proof. The next morning she asks if we are o.k. and I told her again when you prove to me you end it. She said " fine ". A week goes by and she is not on her phone nearly as much so I think everything is o.k. and I see an e-mail from him. I confront her and she says " I never said I was going to stop talking to him!" She was diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago and has really done nothing about it. After doing some research and reading some of the posts on this board, there is little doubt she has BPD. She says they are just friends now and do not talk everyday. She does not have anyone to talk to because she cares to much about what peope think... . we are close to going to therapy as a family ( we have 2 kids ) and individually. Do tolerate it for now and see how therapy goes? She knows its crazy for her to do this and she says she really loves me but sometimes I feel like i am being used because she has no where to go. I think I am going to stick it out and see how the therapy goes. I know she is going to hear things that will piss her off there and not want to go back, but maybe the thought of losing our marriage may help her stick it out... . sorry for the rambling... .

[slimmiller]

konablue89

I stood in your shoes two years ago, its been a long road :'(

Mine went to therapy with me twice. It became apparent that it was a complete waste of time for her as she vehemetly refused to set any boundaries.

I would say the sooner you can get to counseling with her the better .  I hope seriously that she is willing and cooperative. That makes all the difference in the world. If she still fears that she has something to lose you have a good chance at progress.

Mine held on for years and refused to help herself until she had me in a position (FOG) then she triangulated. And of course by this time she had me believing it was because of something I had done years prior.

[Rockylove]

I made it clear from the beginning that the deal breakers were infidelity and physical abuse.  I really believe he will not cheat on me.  He was devastated that one of his ex's cheated on him with one of his friends.  We discussed it.  I cheated once and it didn't enhance my life... . he knows this.  He said it didn't enhance his life either and made him feel awful.  I don't think every pwBPD will cheat.  We are all unique and I believe the experience is unique although there are distinct similarities.  I'm banking on him not cheating... . but if I find out differently... . I'll leave.  No "sorry I f'd up" no give me another chance.  Done deal.  And physical abuse is inexcusable in my book.  One strike and there's no going back. 

[raindancer]

 

   

He hit you. That's the ONLY concern.

Doesn't matter if he cheated 10,000 times, he HIT you ONCE.

Game over. Deal broken.

[Changed4safety]

You think, "Oh, I'll never stay with someone who's cheated on me."  And then you do.  Then you rationalize it away... . until it happens again.  Like... . with over a dozen women (online cybersex affairs only, the one good thing.) 

You think, "Oh, I'll never stay with someone who's violent."  And then you do.  And you are the one paying to repair the smashed laptop, the punched holes in the wall, the broken glass. 

You think, "Well, he's not cheating on me any more, and it's only things, and I'll never stay with someone who physically hurts me."  And then you do.  And he chokes you.  Three times.  On the third time, you start to black out.

And then you still stay, because your father just died, and you feel terribly alone and he's the only thing there, and he tells you he's sorry, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 

But too much has happened, and there's a gun in the house, and you start seeing all the same fights over and over again. 

So at last you leave.  But you don't stay gone.  You're 1,000 miles apart, and it still takes you a full year to realize:  "I can't ever be with someone I don't feel safe with.  Safe with my heart, safe with my property, safe with my money." 

And finally you stay gone. 

[grad]

He hit you.

Game over.

Physical abuse almost always escalates.

Please talk with a domestic violence counselor. You are in dangerous territory.

+1

   

He hit you. That's the ONLY concern.

Doesn't matter if he cheated 10,000 times, he HIT you ONCE.

Game over. Deal broken.

+2

And to answer your question, if cheating is always on his mind so much it's not a matter of if but when, and the r/s wasn't about your needs, but his.  He exhibits classic NPD traits, perhaps you're on the wrong forum, but then again you shouldn't need any answer other than to figure out how to sever the r/s entirely.  He will never view you the same again and you will always have a certain level of fear of triggering his violence.  If you don't, then there's probably something wrong in your past.

[almost789]

Alot of them do. If this is their impulsive activity it is not going to stop. Based on your first post, I think he is cheating. You think he is cheating. Then you say. I really don't think he's cheating. You are in denial. He's cheating and hitting you. I agree with everyone else who said, game over. He needs therapy, he's not going to change without it. They can make you believe them that they are not because they split that part of themselves off and dissassociate themselves from it. Mine teared up and vehmently denied it when I said he was cheating. He hates it, but that didn't stop him. If this is their impulsivity issue they actually do it more when they get with someone they really like or love, because the abandonment fears are triggering constantly and it soothes them somehow.

[Magick]

Having BPD doesn't mean you'll cheat on a partner. But because they do cope with things in unhealthy ways, infidelity isn't rare nor is them finding emotional attachment in another person. Both are things that violate unspoken agreement in a healthy relationship.

I agree with everyone else about the hitting. Your "relationship" ended the moment you were struck. When that happened, respect towards you forever vanished from that relationship. So you may still be in it, you may even choose to stay in it, but your "relationship" (as you felt you once had) is over.

Let's look beyond the physical abuse and cheating though... .

I don't know your backstory and I apologize for that, but is this person actually dx'd as BPD? I ask because there is a very clear pattern of controlling behavior taking place here and that's not typical for BPD because this would be true abusive manipulation (whereas we misinterpret pwBPD as being manipulating due to their poor communication skills).

It appears to me that he is setting you up to be a submissive partner. Again, that's not something I would naturally associate with the disorder. That's more Anti-social or Narc-like.

Regardless of dx or disorder traits, you are in a very dangerous position and you need to think solely of your well-being at this point.

[almost789]

I agree with Majick. Your guys seems quite narcissistic. Now, alot of pwBPD, have narcissistic traits in that they "need" others to boost self esteem so they flit around cheating when the relationship struggles with issues. But, I find the the difference in a pwBPD who cheats versus a Narc is that the pwBPD will feel guilt, will not like the fact they cheated, will deny, will hate themselves for it. A Narc, will say. "Its your fault, you didn't satisfy me enough" He will deny it as well, but only if he want's to keep you around. Once he decides he's through with you, he'll take pride in the fact that he cheated on you because YOU couldn't fullfill him. Your guy with the smirking and stuff sounds like he's inflated with himself like a Narc would be.

[Magick]

Yep, I agree with what SummerT added.

There's too much shame behind that type of act for a pwBPD to act the way your partner is. Plus regulated people with BPD do have empathy so they'd understand how such a thing would hurt someone. He appears to either not care or he's dysregulated while otherwise functioning in regulated ways. That would be the first I have heard of that so my suspicions are high.

But here is another difference that I will add:

To someone with BPD, the partner indirectly give them their sense of identity. They try to be what they think YOU want so they will be attractive and loved for it.

In your relationship, he appears to have already have his identity and you are not conforming to support it. (hence the controlling/dominating behaviors).


If this person has BPD, I'd be astounded and shocked if it wasn't merely BPD traits under a full blown NPD or ASPD dx. Those can be very dangerous and damaging people.