Dealing with unexpected anger & resentment... after leaving

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I thought I was prepared this time.  I thought I worked thru the anger the first 5 times I left... . And thought I had it under control when I went back this last time, knowing now I was dealing with BPD. I knew he would stop therapy, cheat, emotionally abondon me & I would be leaving again... . This time final.

So why does it still hurt & why do I still feel such anger? I thought going back in this last time with eyes wide open it would be easier... .

I feel like I hate him right now. And I am angry that I am hurting but he isn't... . or doesn't appear to be.  I am supposed to believe that his "pain" is so much more than mine?  I realize I am extremely resentful right now... . He can still function highly for his beloved job but it's "too painful" to allow yourself to get close to me or have a meaningful conversation with me? Having one of those moments where I am doubting or accepting he is mentally ill... . when right now I am struggling with the pain  & having a hard time functioning, I am mentally ill right now while he goes thru life not caring or admitting how he has hurt others.

I am not by nature an angry or unforgiving person. I am angry that I am angry if that makes sense... .

I have become this horrible person because of him & believe me I hate myself for allowing it.  Ugh I just want to erase this... . It's all so negative & I am usually not negative... .

[shenanigan247]

I thought I was prepared this time.  I thought I worked thru the anger the first 5 times I left... . And thought I had it under control when I went back this last time, knowing now I was dealing with BPD. I knew he would stop therapy, cheat, emotionally abondon me & I would be leaving again... . This time final.

So why does it still hurt & why do I still feel such anger? I thought going back in this last time with eyes wide open it would be easier... .

I feel like I hate him right now. And I am angry that I am hurting but he isn't... . or doesn't appear to be.  I am supposed to believe that his "pain" is so much more than mine?  I realize I am extremely resentful right now... . He can still function highly for his beloved job but it's "too painful" to allow yourself to get close to me or have a meaningful conversation with me? Having one of those moments where I am doubting or accepting he is mentally ill... . when right now I am struggling with the pain  & having a hard time functioning, I am mentally ill right now while he goes thru life not caring or admitting how he has hurt others.

I am not by nature an angry or unforgiving person. I am angry that I am angry if that makes sense... .

I have become this horrible person because of him & believe me I hate myself for allowing it.  Ugh I just want to erase this... . It's all so negative & I am usually not negative... .

[Clearmind]

What you are feeling right now is completely natural shenanigan247 - if you didn't feel these things you would not be human.

Accepting how we feel, moving through it rather than around it or circumventing it is important. It will get better - right now you are grieving.

Being angry that you are angry is your inner critic telling you you are wrong - its making you feel worse. Acceptance is key. Sit with it.

[Validation78]

Hi Shenanigan!

I was told something by my T the other day that I found helpful regarding the anger I am feeling too. She reminded me that in the last 4 years, I had not been my authentic self. Meaning, practicing wise mind, and walking on eggshells, I did not have a safe environment to express how I really felt. She told me that if I (we) did not express anger now or at some point, that's when she would be concerned, since anger is a justifiable emotion in response to what we've been through and/or are going through.

So, if you're feeling anger, feel it, express it,let it out. It means you are healing, and acknowledging your authentic self! It's all part of the healthy process!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Siamese Rescue]

Yet another post on this board that describes precisely how I feel right now. I couldn't have said it any better, as the original post describes exactly how I lived, how he is living, how he is skipping around after shedding himself of suspicious crazy me, how his life is happy and mine is blown to shreds. I can barely get out of bed for work, much less enjoy life. I know exactly what you mean. And I too am angry and now wonder if I'm going to get vindictive. It's not my nature either. These people might be mentally ill but they are users and after they get what they want from you they discard you no matter how many years has been invested. I'm sorry but I'm beginning to feel they are monsters and evil.

[Clearmind]

Evil? Not so much Siamese. Mentally ill? Potentially - many of our exs here are undiagnosed. In time we begin to forgive them and forgive ourselves. It takes two and while its hard to see right now - we also play a role.

Anger is ok.

[cal644]

The other day I had my first true anger blowup (thank goodness it was to my father) - but for the last 6-8 months I had anger, resentment, hurt, all of the things that were just building up - something little my dad said just finally allowed me to let it all out.  He mentioned that all I had to do was start working more (as I am self employeed I do work quit a few hours) - I just lost it! I said it takes everything to just make it through the day, everything just to put on a happy face, everything just to continue going, that is the first time in 4 months I broke down and cried, cried hard, and the first time I expressed how much I hate my stbex - how I absolutly hate her! For how she has not only ruined my life after 19 years, but also the lives of my daughters!  I will say after that blowup (and I am not an angry guy at all) - I felt better, better than I had felt for a long long time - looking back I think all of the emotions I held in were slowly killing me.  So my advice - let it flow - but to someone safe, or by yourself - lock the doors and just let it go.  But do not direct it towards your ex or your kids.  I didn't direct it at my dad - but I had to express all of my emotions - and I feel better for letting it all out!

[Siamese Rescue]

Aside from loving them, being here for them and trying to make them happy and finally, trying to understand them, what is it that we as nons do that make us "equally" responsible?

[shenanigan247]

Like you Cal644 I had to hold in my emotions around him. If I expressed them he would make me feel even worse by judging me or making me feel like I was crazy. I developed severe anxiety. I have actually been off of my medication for a month now. Haven't had to take them since I moved out.

And what validation78 says rings true, I have not been my authentic self. To the point that I have lost myself somewhere. I am trying to find new interests, make new friends.

So much damage to repair.

[LosingIt2]

Clearmind, I'm not so sure I agree with you. This isn't really about forgiving as much as it is learning from our mistakes. As for the role we played, my problem is that I loved and trusted my pwBPD. I shouldn't have put up with the dysfunction and abuse for as long as I did, but I didn't and never would have started all the turmoil and heartache. I would have done anything for my exBPDgf and in the end she used that against me. No, they're not evil, but they truly bring out the worst in those who love them the most. Messed up.

[Clearmind]

Forgiveness is coming to the decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge - which I'm sure many of us have had those thoughts. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip - look to the positives where we then recognize what we can learn. Forgiveness leads to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Many of us carry our guilt and shame - showing yourself kindness and compassion is forgiving. Once you begin to move past this guilt and shame you begin to heal.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing what they did.

US: How can we forgive ourselves?

[shenanigan247]

Problem is I don't want to forgive him right now,  maybe not ever... . this time. Ugh  I hate feeling this way.  A part of me thinks he should not be excused from taking responsibility for himself or at least getting help. which he started to but it was all a show... . I don't know what was real in his mind or if it was all played.  He sees to be the biggest player in the world in all his dealings with people, work, personal. Amazing.  This is me being angry again 

[leftbehind]

I say just let yourself be angry if you're angry.  It will eventually pass when you become more focused on yourself instead of him.  I'm angry at my ex right now, but I know I need to move the energy back into my own life instead of thinking of him.  Still, I'm not there yet, although I'm keeping my life together at the moment.

[shenanigan247]

I know you are right.  I have good days & bad days. I have no choice but to work thru it. And as I type this he is calling me ugh! I didn't answer.

[Clearmind]

Forgiveness of yourself and him comes after the anger. For now sit with the anger - don't push yourself through it - feel it.

[Octoberfest]

Forgiveness is coming to the decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge - which I'm sure many of us have had those thoughts. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip - look to the positives where we then recognize what we can learn. Forgiveness leads to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Many of us carry our guilt and shame - showing yourself kindness and compassion is forgiving. Once you begin to move past this guilt and shame you begin to heal.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing what they did.

US: How can we forgive ourselves?

Forgiveness, empathy, and compassion were the reason that my relationship lasted as long as it did with my dBPDex. She even told me in a conversation in the month after we broke up, when we were still trying to entertain a way to make it work that, "Octoberfest, you help people.  Thats who you are, you see someone in need and you do whatever you can to help them.  And that is a great person to be.  But I don't want to be helped by you because you pity me".  And that statement really hit home.  I DID love her.  With all my heart.  But the continued cheating cheapened all of it.

I find myself on the verge of tears at random times throughout the day.  I am fairly sure I am depressed, and all I can do is think about her and us.

Am I angry? no.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I love "angry about being angry". That pretty much sums up how I had been feeling. A week ago I was probably at my worse anger. I thought it would go away but the anger got worse and worse week by week up until this weekend. Not sure what clicked in my head, what clicked in me. But 6 weeks out I think I just got tired of being angry. I felt so much vidictiveness, so much resentment, so much anger, so much hate, so much of wanting to pay him back.

Like the ambassadors here say... . sit with it. I did. For some reason, it just finally lifted. I think the waves of anger will hit again but I know they won't be as fierce. I will never completely forgive my ex to the point I want to be friends, want to know anything about him, want to talk to him, or want to accept any apology from him again (not that it will ever come.) However, I am finally getting close to forgiving myself for actually putting up with someone as sick as him.

Hang in there. I think it's healthy to feel anger right now.

[shenanigan247]

I am angry at myself for letting him in again.  I went thru all the hurt, crying & finally it went away.  Then 2 years later he pops back into my life. And now that he knew he was BPD it would be better because he would be getting help. Well once I moved back in everything stopped, therapy even conversation. I am angry at myself cuz I knew it would happen the same as all the other times.

And I know I just have to feel these emotions for awhile... . again. It doesn't help that he is trying to call me to make sure I have enough $ to get by since I moved... .

[winston72]

Aaarrrggh!  This quote from OctoberFest is where I was for several months, until just a few weeks ago:

"Forgiveness, empathy, and compassion were the reason that my relationship lasted as long as it did with my dBPDex. She even told me in a conversation in the month after we broke up, when we were still trying to entertain a way to make it work that, "Octoberfest, you help people.  Thats who you are, you see someone in need and you do whatever you can to help them.  And that is a great person to be.  But I don't want to be helped by you because you pity me".  And that statement really hit home.  I DID love her.  With all my heart.  But the continued cheating cheapened all of it.

I find myself on the verge of tears at random times throughout the day.  I am fairly sure I am depressed, and all I can do is think about her and us.

Am I angry? no.  I just want to curl up into a ball and cry."

It scares me to read this because I fear falling back into this place... . but I won't!  I just realized both of these emotions as I typed this.  Man, this board is helpful. Thank you to all of you for typing, reading, responding.  Yes!

As I am exploring all of this and learning, I think a lot of my generosity of spirit and possessions was driven by love and compassion but informed by co-dependency and low self esteem.  I did not have boundaries and I kept giving after being violated in small and large ways.  That is my responsibility and my part in the dance.  It is not the same as her deceptions and manipulations.  It is how I failed to see the warning signs as I merrily skipped down the yellow brick road.  And, thankfully, it is something I can correct and improve.

I was breaking into tears several times a day for quite a few months... . but crying about things that happened from 12 to 18 months prior.  I think I did not feel "authorized" to feel my hurt and anger when it first happened.  I deal with it, or avoided it, but focusing on whatever pain and brokenness was driving her to act out.  In so doing I was able to sidestep the enormous shock and pain of the rejection that her behavior really meant.  I just could not handle it... . or have not been used to accepting my own hurt and anger.  I think I just reinterpreted is in a way that said, "She didn't really mean it!"  As a child of alcoholic parents, I was used to making excuses for their behavior and sidestepping the ways it hurt me. 

But slowly, slowly, slowly I started to feel the hurt and anger as my own.  I would avoid it and deny it.  I would feel disloyal to her if I retained the anger (bizarre in light of her behavior), I would hate myself for being angry, I would think I was so wrong for being hurt and angry, I was afraid the anger would... . do what?  I don't know... . spin out of control, lead me to do something terrible, drive her away from me, drive me away from the "good guy" that I need to be?

Anyway, anger and hurt is starting to take shape, I am "up off the floor" and starting to move forward with more certainty.  It is slow... . but health and lightness is emerging.

[Billa]

today i'm very angry. yersterday I discovered that my ex got the best tv programme of his branch for himself and this is making me mad. I don't know if it's more because I can't stand the fact that someone who is such a disordered person in personal relationship can, otherwise, be so good in professional ones (I find it unbelievable, it can't be the same person... . ) or if it is because I still would like him to share everything with me, as I was used to, and now I can't... .

[Nearlybroken]

I know that feeling Billa... . I struggle to equate the man my ex was outside of the home with the man he was with me.I also miss him and miss sharing stuff with him.We were literally "joined at the hip" and did everything together, talked of things together,shared secrets... . now I have no one.And that makes me angry... . sometimes I wish that he would talk to me,text me and share things in the way that we used to... . but I have to accept that those days have  gone.I hate getting angry... . it is not an emotion I am used to or comfortable with but I am angry... . at him, at BPD, at me ,but mostly at the fact that I seem to be the only one who is getting crushed by the upset of it all.This sounds very silly but I am angry at those who haven't noticed just how cut up I am by all of this.

[cal644]

nearly broken - you said and feel exactly the same way I do.  I still can't beleive that what used to be a dream has become a nightmare

[goldylamont]

i think all of our emotions are trying to tell us something. there is a message in all of them. and the stronger the emotion the more important it is for us to hear the message. our anger is there to protect us, to say "you can't do that to me", "i won't let that happen", "don't treat me that way"--our anger is there to set boundaries on what we know is acceptable and healthy. in a r/s with a BPD often times i feel like when we "manage" our anger what this really means is that we are *repressing* our anger, thus allowing serious boundaries to be crossed; and then we get cut to mince meat inside. so, the waves of anger are saying--don't let that stuff inside again! if it comes near again i'll kill it! especially if we've been repressing.

if you put out a cigarette on your palm the pain will say "ouch, hey stop doing that!". if you put your hand on a burning stove and leave it the pain will say "HEY What the heck DUDE STOP IT!".  . for me, my anger is painful, sometimes annoying sometimes saddening--but it's my friend when i can become aware of what it's trying to *tell* me.

what is your anger trying to tell you? Try asking your anger these questions just when you realize that you are really pissed off--great a perfect time, now ask your anger this:

1) What boundaries have been crossed?

2) What needs to be restored?

**write it down if you can. in fact if i can stalk myself and catch my anger next time i'll try and come back and share what it's telling me.

then, say "thank you anger! i promise to try my best to hear the valuable insight you are giving me. thank you!" 

[shenanigan247]

Omgosh! Thank you Goldylamont! How enlightening!  Yes I agree our anger is telling us so many things, we don't always listen. 

If I had asked these questions everytime I was angry... . well, I didn't know, I was too busy being angry about being angry & trying to make sense of it all.

Brilliant! Great tool to work with!

Thank you!   

[DDMoo2013]

Wow, your comment struck a chord with me! I haven't posted on here for a while as I am still reeling from my break up and trying to get myself back and organised and happy, but I feel exactly as you do! I don't have any answers except that we have to go through this and its really hard to deal with.

It is hard to see how another human being can be so cold and callous after all the efforts we have put into the relationship... . but at the same time I understand that a normal person could not and would not behave in that way so clearly there is something wrong with them.

Don't know if I have made my point but thats how I see it at the moment! 

[goldylamont]

so glad you guys liked the post. this wisdom i got directly from Karla McLaren's excellent book "The Language of Emotions". I highly recommend reading the chapter on Anger, it's excellent:

www.amazon.com/The-Language-Emotions-Feelings-Trying/dp/1591797691

it's actually kind of challenging for me to answer the questions above now b/c i realize this past week that i haven't been too angry at all--worse, i've been sad and a little anxious (about what ex may be saying to other people). but for the sake of healing i'll try to answer what i think my anger was trying to tell me when at it's peak:

1) What boundaries have been crossed? -- Respect. This person was and is extremely disrespectful and devaluing to me. She used hersexasaweapon and behaves as though she hated me. Went way too far to try to embarrass and hurt me. I don't want anyone in my life to treat me so disrespectfully.

2) What needs to be restored? -- My achilles heal with this person was that i "thought" she was so physically attractive. I have to restore my true sense of self and know that i can be with someone else just as attractive who isn't also bat-isht crazy 

you guys should try it too. especially when you are really angry. write down the message it tells you.

[goldylamont]

this is perhaps off topic, but i remember getting this little nugget of knowledge just after the breakup when things were still really raw. i was cleaning my house and subsequently daydreaming about my ex. i didn't realize i was doing this but yeah i was fantasizing about good times. I was reaching into a crawl space under a staircase to grab a vacuum cleaner, and on my way out when i stood up, BAM! i knocked my head on the low ceiling. the immediate thought i had was "she isn't a good person. stop idealizing her". it was really simple like that. i had been totally unaware that i was fantasizing and idealizing her, then *bam* back to reality. . talk about smacking some sense into me 

[shenanigan247]

So I moved out for the last time... . It's been 7 years of on again off again. It is down right embarrassing.  So this time I am done for good. But while moving out... . I'm still missing this or that.  I have cut my losses for anything I left behind.

It's been a month & he texted me out of the blue to ask if I want some "company"... . I should know by now that "company" means sex.

Isn't that what the hookers say? Sorry... .

I should have known this is what he expects after he does something nice... . like he found a washer & dryer for me (which I paid for) but there is always that price.

So I explained how it is unhealthy for me to have meaningless sex & how I feel disrespected.  Because he doesn't want to connect on any other level, just gets up & leaves.  So He says "ok I will just leave you alone then" Ok great.

Then he calls me on the weekend to tell me how he went fishing (He knows I absolutely love fishing) and told stories about the dog (we adopted at a shelter, that I will no longer get to see).  Like he was rubbing it in ? Just trying to hurt me? I believe he did it for those very reasons. 

So here I am, just me & my anger... .

[goldylamont]

Then he calls me on the weekend to tell me how he went fishing (He knows I absolutely love fishing) and told stories about the dog (we adopted at a shelter, that I will no longer get to see).  Like he was rubbing it in ? Just trying to hurt me? I believe he did it for those very reasons.

yep, there it is. the old passive-aggressive-manipulative revenge and punishment. shenanigan247 please trust that when you feel bad by connecting with this person, you were probably purposefully meant to feel this way. although it could be a mistake, i doubt it, i had ways of finding out my exBPDgf was consciously doing things solely for the sake of hurting me. this "kind banter" from him that makes you feel terrible seems common post-breakup from a pwBPD. actually if you think about it, even non-BPD people would want to appear happy and may brag a bit to their exes, but pwBPD seem to take this way further, meaning to hurt you way more. this is just my experience. don't trust his motives even when he's being "nice". the whole reason i'm saying all of this is *not* to be morbid, or to get you more angry--however i feel it's **very** important to get back to trusting your gut instincts b/c manipulative people make us doubt ourselves too much. there's no way to be more angry than he's already made you, but hopefully by trusting yourself and how you feel in any kind of contact with him, you'll better understand his motives.

a non-BPD may make the mistake of being insensitive like this, but you could tell them how it made you feel and they would give you a heartfelt apology. if you were to bring this up with him in a non-confrontational way, do you think he would give you a sincere apology? if no, he's doing it to hurt you.

So here I am, just me & my anger... .

i know it's hard! and at the risk of sounding cliche, it does get better! hang in there and try to channel your anger into creating a boundary for yourself (ideally NC for a while). check back in with us if you need to. i still have some anger too it's less of a boil now and more of an annoying inner monologue i'm working to let go of. hang in there shenanigan247! 

[Pretty Woman]

Shenanigan,

   You are feeling angry because you are feeling helpless. When an animal is stuck in a cage it paces. It stresses. It wants out. It gets angry.

You, my dear are in the cage while your BPD is outside taunting you.

I have not been the dumper in my relationship but rather the dumpee. My situation is fresh and I vacillate between sadness and anger.

I have to applaud you! You were very strong and courageous in following through with your decision. You took the 1st step, a bold step in ending your unhealthy relationship. It is hard to end something when the other person keeps you in that cage. Honey, all you need to do is reach up and pull the latch. That cage is in their mind... .

not yours. It doesn't exist but you've been conditioned to believe it does.

You have to understand we are operating in two very different mindsets. It's ok to be angry, this is a process. Your ex is sick. You fell in love with someone who is sick, not normal.

Are you in therapy?

If not, I recommend it.  I waited until my breakup (this last one) to get help and a professionals perspective really does wonders (and I have my bad days. I was dumped for an ex less than a month ago).

If you have no ties to your ex (children/property) I suggest blocking FB and changing your number. Try to filter emails to spam for deletion.  Go out and join something new. Take a class. Just keep busy and get strong.

Go get yourself a new dog. I know it won't replace the one you lost but dogs give unconditional love. Take him/her to a dog park and make new friends.

I've pointed out in a few other posts on this board something my therapist said that has really helped me rationalize my past relationship.

I want you to list the things you do not like about yourself. I also want you to list what attracted you to your ex.

I found that my list was very reflective of who I am and who my ex is... . only she is sick. I attracted someone who seemed confident but wasn't (like me). Someone who does not want to be alone, is insecure, is angry (like me).

Once you determine these things and make changes for you, you will attract someone that fits those attributes.  It is not your fault he is sick. You cannot change or blame yourself for that, but what you can do is work on yourself.

I have confidence you will be ok. You really will. Stick to your guns and don't 2nd guess yourself.