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Author Topic: Saw exwBPD after 4 months NC  (Read 4243 times)
stoic83
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« on: May 26, 2013, 07:48:59 PM »

Hey guys,

I saw my exwBPD after 4 months NC... . man was it painful. She showed no emotion towards me. I could feel some emotion in her, but she expressed nothing. I gave her a gift for her birthday. Afterwards I flipped out... . I just couldn't do it. She wanted to stay "friends" and I just couldn't do it... . I love her too much. She is in therapy and meetings... . i pushed and pushed her to work on a relationship with me, and she sent me an email telling me that she has no feelings for me, that she chooses not to love me, and that I pushed her out of my life, that I am calculating and manipulative, that my words aren't genuine, and that our relationship has always been toxic.

I feel terrible... . I sent a bunch of apology letters, because I was acting nutso in text messages... . telling her that she can lie to me, but that God knows the truth... . and she needs to move somewhere else like Sedona, AZ or Kona, HI to heal properly. That AA and watered down christian cults aren't going to help. I also told her that I though her sister was a sociopath, and that her sponsor was a malignant narcissist... . over and over.

I am so upset. I feel like I had an opportunity to mend things with her and grow together. I have been in therapy twice a week... . after using these boards extensively. I was smoking weed to cope with the relationship problems... . after I quit smoking, I realized how unfairly I treated her... . I tried to be a good relationship partner to her despite her mental illness. I supported her through her father's death... . I still feel like she loves me deep down. I know that according to the site she doesn't love me, but it just seems like she has to. I don't understand how she couldn't love me at all anymore... .

She thinks I'm a malignant narcissist... . she showed my nutso texts to her life coach or sponsor, and Im sure they told her that she needed to go no contact with me. That I was bad for her.

I feel so humiliated. I love this woman with all of my heart. Even after 4 months NC. I have very poor relationship with my family and I don't really have anybody else in my life.

I met her when she was 23... . and her mental illness has gotten worse over the years. We were best friends. I know that she loved me and wanted to be with me. Now she doesn't remember who I am. This is so unfair. I am struggling to find acceptance right now. I read all the books, got a counselor, apologized for my poor actions, and forgave her for hers. Her and I have a very strong connection despite her mental illness... . despite the addictive relationship dynamics.

There is something pure and real there underneath all the layers of abuse. It really hurts.

I am trying to clean up my house and just take better care of myself. My emotional needs are not being met. I have a wonderful dog, but I yearn for connections with other people... . as an entrepreneur I have fallen out of touch with old friends... . after all the toxicity from the relationship, nobody really seems to have enough time for me anymore. I am working on being my own best friend... . that's what she says she is doing too.

She is doing everything I advised her to do. She is becoming more like me, and I am becoming more like her. We are both changing for the better. I am very sad.

Is there anything I can do. I believe that she will be one of the rare few to get better. She has better boundaries and is expressing herself. I really miss her, and she misses me. But we are not good for eachother right now. I am traumatized from her behavior, and I flipped out on her... . worried about her safety and the people around her.

I think there was a small window for reconciliation, and I completely blew it. I sincerely love her... . and I know that she loves me... . despite her mental illness. I can feel it wanting to come out... . I think it will take some time, but now I am painted black... . I miss her she was my best friend. She has gotten worse over the years.

She wanted to be "friends" and I think she wanted intimacy from me from time to time... . and I almost had a panic attack, because I am so used to pain associated with that experience. I was experiencing weed withdrawls, and I made a fool out of myself... . she must have shown the text messages to somebody who told her I was "toxic". Now she thinks I am "toxic". Man this hiting sucks.

Stoic
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expos
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2013, 12:30:53 AM »

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  All of us here have been to that point where we'd DO ANYTHING to get our ex back even though we know how terrible they were for us.

Be thankful for a few things... . brace yourself because I might be tough on you... . but you need this now.

1) You were not married to this toxic person and you didn't have children with her.  You'd be a set up for a lifetime of pain if you were.  Read some of the horror stories about people who are going through nasty battles custody with their ex-BPD wives post divorce.  You dodged a major bullet here... . and you are getting a new chance at a great life without this girl in your life!  The sweetness of you losing this girl is like someone diagnosing you with a terminal illness, only to be wrong about the diagnosis, and you get live your life again to it's fullest.

2) You'll hate to hear this... . but if you wanted her back that bad, you went about it all wrong.  Sending crazy texts, emails, calls, and fighting with her will never bring her closer.  It makes them run from you.  Being indifferent, disappearing with no contact, being cool about things makes a BPD sufferer crazy about you.  Here is a lesson:  When attracting someone, you want to be unavailable and mysterious to them.  People want what they can't have.  She knows she can have you, so you are not desirable to her.  Nothing easily attainable is of value.  That's why people love to steal the Mona Lisa painting... . there isn't another like it!

3) Look at what you just wrote.  Be honest, she put you through HELL.  Why do you want to book a ticket back to hell?  Great relationships aren't hell... . THEY ARE A BLAST.  Find someone who isn't Satan and date them.

4)  This woman will always be disordered.  She won't get better... . no matter what you say or do, no matter who she dates after you, she'll NEVER change.  She may appear to be this beautiful person  when she's not around you, but people with BPD rarely get better and you said that yourself.  Her life will get worse and she'll drag you down into her private hell.   Great people don't bring you down, they make you BETTER.  

5) Stop smoking weed.  It's makes people lazy, dull, and uninteresting.  You need to improve yourself and make yourself valuable to someone.  Bong hits never lead to anything good, so cut it out of your life.        
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Mr Bean

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 48


« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2013, 12:52:14 AM »

Sometimes i also think people with BPD would get better with someone else and its only with us that they show their BPD traits. I've read a lot of comments here, that will never happen. Its personality disorder so sooner or later her current partner will see it in the future. Like someone already mentioned its a matter of WHEN. And when it happens, we would be glad we were already out of their life
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stoic83
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« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2013, 09:23:01 AM »

Hey guys,

I guess a part of me wanted her back badly, but my intuition would not allow it.

I did quit smoking weed... . after 12 years of smoking, it is something that I am proud of and it is bringing positive change to my life.

I guess she really does love me... . that is why she cut me out of her life. It's called Mercy. I believe in her being able to heal over years, and perhaps so does she... . however, she knows that I deserve better. I think the only way she could get rid of me was to hate me. She painted me black intentionally. She reverse brainwashed herself in to hating me. She doesn't think she deserves good treatment... . she doesn't respect herself.

I have heard all of the angry talk on here over and over again. I doubt that thinking of her as a terrible person is going to bring me the acceptance and closure that I am looking for. I do love this person. However, somebody must be looking out for me, because I deserve a kind and loving person... . especially after going through this hell.

Perhaps a wiser part of me knew, that if I pushed and pushed and pushed... . that she would have no choice but to cut me out of her life. She wanted to sleep with me and I said NO. She wanted to be "friends" and I said NO. She attacked my character and I said NO, and flipped it around on her. My boundaries are much stronger:)

I never would have gotten her pregnant, because my intuition would never allow me to "finish". Thank goodness my bottom half is smarter than my top half. I really hope that she is able to recover her core identity.

I am able to see who she was supposed to be, before she was sexually abused, physically abused, abused herself.

I have Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome from some bacterial infection that I picked up for her several years ago. the pain is a constant reminder of her... . it does seem to get worse when I am going to see her, but perhaps it is because I am turned on. She left me with a nasty curse that essentially prevents me from getting to close to a woman initially. (because it hurts to be turned on). Maybe that's a blessing in disguise?

Either way... . I am scarred for life in many ways. I really hope I can meet a kind and nurturing woman one day. I am not quite sure what kind of woman would want to be with me... . I have a bad relationship with my family (filled with mental illness) and I am damaged goods.

Expos---this is what I did for four months. Yes it drove her crazy about me... . when I met up with her; she made sure to appear that way to me, and then she went NC on me and now ignores me.

It's all about her eye for an eye mentality. Lucky for me, I am not impressed by the way she is behaving. I wonder if you have been reading Pickup Artist books or something, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). The law of attraction says that LIKE attracts LIKE.

If I am repelling her at this point that must be a good sign. Because that must mean I am not attracting her anymore. That she has found people as sick as her, and that they are more attractive to her.

She did tell me that "she knows in her heart that we don't belong together".

That she knows that "She is not my type".

I do think she has changed me for the better.

Just like LOVE and HATE.

BETTER and WORSE are two sides of the same coin.

This is why growing up in an abusive household has made me a BETTER person than most.

Because I am making a conscious effort to turn things around for myself.

Since for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction... . the amount of pain and suffering I have endured at the hands of others will surely translate to some form of good.

We will see.

Thanks for your help guys. Expos - thanks for not sugar coating. It helps to be honest with my feelings. To be self-aware. It is okay for me to love this woman. But it is not okay for me to have anything to do with her in my waking  life.

I did quit smoking weed. Cold turkey. Be proud of me. I am doing great things these days.

Best,

Jon
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