Why not me?

[crashintome]

I'm still in a place where I don't think I will go back to her, regardless of if she contacts me wanting me.  But I have unresolved questions that (once again) I'm left to obsess over.

I've posted my story before, so I won't rehash it all.  Some new developments that have come up are she is with someone "new" (a friend from high school) and it is "Facebook official."

Now, she told me over and over that she needed to "heal" from her last relationship.  She told me over and over to just stand by her and she would be with me when she was better.  This was an almost daily discussion. 

Then, this other girl came for a visit.  I knew something was amiss.  I demanded the truth, but she SWORE it wasn't like that and they were just friends.  I knew she was lying.  Then, one day, I had a work function and went to grab dinner after.  I checked in on FB and she commented, saying something like "Isn't it nice to go out with friends."  She started berating me via text message.  That's when I knew this visit was more than just friends - whenever she gets caught in a lie, she gets IRATE and starts to turn it around on me.  She started bringing up stuff from when I wasn't even with her (I had mentioned I went to Coyote Ugly) and telling me I was screwing around.

I basically told her that if she couldn't give me more, then I had to walk away.  She went on and on about how it was my choice and I'd regret it.

Literally 2 days later, they were "in a relationship" on Facebook.

Why her?  Why not me?  What is wrong with ME that she couldn't give me a commitment, but this girl gets one? 

I have to be done.  I really don't think they will last (my ex is broke - this new girl is broke - my ex will not stay in a relationship where she isn't "taken care of".  I don't know if she will contact me again.  She probably will.  I need to remember the bad things so I don't get sucked back in.

In the last 2 recycles, she has spent over $3000 of my money, won't give me a commitment, and makes me feel like absolute garbage.  What's wrong with me that I still love her?

[fromheeltoheal]

Why her?  Why not me?  What is wrong with ME that she couldn't give me a commitment, but this girl gets one?  

What's wrong with me that I still love her?

Hi crash!  There is an opportunity for you to ask better questions here.  I'm assuming your ex if a pwBPD, so the answer may be you are in the devaluation stage of the disorder, and the new gal is in the idealization stage; there may have been former lovers who she painted black to you when you guys were new?  Rest assured the new gal will get cycled through the same stages of the disorder, and be left wondering too.  There are no winners, except the disorder.

If you ask yourself what's wrong with you, your brain will generate a boatload of answers to that question, and you will feel like crap about yourself.  In a 'normal' relationship you might ask what could you have done better, what did you do right, what aren't you willing to accept next time, all valuable as you process what happened and move on, but in a BPD relationship you could have done everything perfectly and it still wouldn't have worked, because it's not about us, it's never about us, it's about the disorder.  So what better questions can you ask yourself?  How about what did I learn from this, how can I grow from this, what do I need to change so that I don't go down this path again?  More empowering.  What questions can you think of?

Same thing with What's wrong with me that I still love her?  That question will generate all kinds of disempowering answers; what would be a better one?  Like What's right with me that I still love her?  Maybe because you're a lover, a loving person, someone with a boatload of love to give, and just picked someone who couldn't receive it this time.  What can you think of?

[Clearmind]

Where is the commitment she is supposedly giving this new person? Because she declares it on Facebook?

My friend, this is so far from what a commitment is I can't see straight. Maybe time to look at the facts of your relationship.

[crashintome]

I guess because she always refused to be "official" with me.  She would never, ever give me the commitment of calling me her girlfriend.  I feel like I'm worth so much less than these other girls that she so freely calls her partners.

I've known her for a while.  We've been going back and forth "intimately" for over a year.  Yet, this girl comes out of nowhere and BOOM she's a girlfriend.

To me, it was never about the label.  It was about the commitment.  I was never allowed to see other people, yet she refused to give me the same back.  I was expected to act like a girlfriend in every aspect of the word, yet I never got the same back.

It hurts.  I feel less than the others.  I feel less important, less special, less cared about.  It just hurts.

[confetti]

You're the only one she didn't make official, she probably feels guilt.

However, its just the internet.

Mine would always say facebook officiality was not the heart of a relationship, and while there were some really bad times, he could not have been more correct.

It's about action, reciprocation, responsibility, flexibility, so many things... . not striving for a title.

You are saying that all of the work you put into your relationship, and this pain you are feeling ... . would be absolved if in exchange for this "Is in a relationship with: _____?" you?

[Clearmind]

I hear you! Every partner is different. My ex never admitted the girl before me was official. I thought I was – he posted it all over FB only to have select people be able to view it. So in a sense we were living together yet only official to his best mate and his parents!

Crash, I completely understand your hurt – you were important to her no doubt – it’s so unfortunate that these relationships never really get off the starting block. Right now you are sad, hurt and probably confused.

We are the ones who are responsible for making ourselves feel less important. Work on seeing your role in this and the things you did do to try to make it work – you probably tried your hardest and it hurts to not be recognized as being a contributor.

And yes FB is not the real world.

It takes time however that hurt and pain will subside – be patient with yourself.

[crashintome]

It's really not about FB or the title.  I see how it sounds that way.  For me, it was about the commitment.  It was about the promise that she would try.  It was about us being exclusive.  It was about the fact that she saw a future with me.  She said she did.  She said she cared.  But she never would make that promise to me.

I know it sounds so petty, but I feel like I just wasn't good enough for her to publicly declare us "together"

[Changed4safety]

I hear you! Every partner is different. My ex never admitted the girl before me was official. I thought I was – he posted it all over FB only to have select people be able to view it. So in a sense we were living together yet only official to his best mate and his parents!

<snip>

We are the ones who are responsible for making ourselves feel less important. Work on seeing your role in this and the things you did do to try to make it work – you probably tried your hardest and it hurts to not be recognized as being a contributor.

And yes FB is not the real world.

Man, I'm dealing with this right now myself.  Uncanny.  I was hidden and not acknowledged for two years, then we were "official" on FB, then I learned from a friend that he never saw a "relationship" on the ex's page--just mine that said "Changed4Safety" is in a relationship.  And now my ex hooked up with someone the day after he finally accepted that it was over, told me it was just "casual", and then suddenly "My girlfriend".  (She was on Jeopardy when he announced this, and won 30K... . guess he wanted to make sure he "claimed" her now that she had some money on hand.  He didn't have to do that with me, he knew whatever he did, I'd keep supporting him.)

LOVE your line that we are responsible for making ourselves feel less important.  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt. 

[Clearmind]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt. 

So very very true! It’s our inner critic (little child within us) that makes us feel inferior. We need to give that little child a big ole hug and tell him/her that she will be OK. As kids we cannot protect ourselves – as adults we can!

You cannot be abandoned as an adult!

Its funny Changed – I saw a black board with this exact quote on it outside my coffee shop. I took a photo of it and only just deleted it from my iphone – I have it back now – thank you! I had forgotten it.