No Contact again,... attempt two after failed contact

[tomjon78]

I recently have posted some posts about my situation. I won´t go into the details of what has happened in the last months but after 2 weeks of no contact and her trying to convince me she has changed and wanted to prove me wrong about breaking up with here here is the short story:

Last sunday she spent a few hours telling me how she realized how much pain she has caused me and wanted to anything to get me back. We had sex and I felt guilty and yet a feeling of joy again... . or maybe hope.

I got sms from her the next day, I love you, come to dinner, come to lunch etc.

I got a few days off work to think things through and made the decision I couldn´t cope with NC again and her pressure on me.

I called her thursday and said in short: I don´t wan´t any drama anymore, I´m an emotinal wreck and can´t we just be nice to each other, nothing else.

We´ve met 3 times since then... . gone ok but in the end of every conversation she starts mentioning things from the past, belittles me or does something that I feel is looking for response or triggers.

I let it pass until she called me tonight. I was polite to her but not so giving and she said in the end of the conversation when I explained I was tired and had a difficult day at work and with the kids: she said : "why can´t you give me some affection and just be nice to me" RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE!

I said: to you really think that... . I haven´t said a word. She got the angry tone in her voice so I took a short sentence and said: "this is not working, please leave me alone now"

she texted me "I don´t want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks he is always being criticized".

So all the promises of being positive and nice... . no endurance for her... .

So now I will try attempt two of NC approach... . I called my Therapist and he said this was no surprise and I should not at all make contact with her again... . everything she has done screams BPD and she will "kill" me in the end with her beahaviour... . she just doesn´t see it.

So I have to pull my act and really do this... . AGAIN!

I am so drained and wish she could see how she acts... . but I guess it´s not in my hands... .

I fell such a looser to have been tricked again :'(

[marbleloser]

You weren't tricked tomjon.You gave it another shot.Many here have,including myself,so don't get down on yourself.You were able to see things differently this time.You took control and made the decision,instead of letting things slide and hoping for the best.That's progress my friend.Not something to feel like a loser about.

[confetti]

It may not feel like it right now... . and even though its extremely searing in the beginning, your therapist is very right. You will not gain all of what's lost, but you will feel relief from the constant drama this woman is putting you through.

I thought I was going to die without my ex. Literally. Sex kept me around forEVER.

It takes a lot of work and ambition to heal from wounds she seems to keep putting a bandage on, only to rip it right off.

You are not a loser. That would make us losers too. None of us are losers.

You're in a good spot when you can really look into the glass box you are both in and become aware of the problems you're facing.

This doesn't seem to be your first NC run but it's still a step. A really big step. You are forming firm boundaries mentally.

Good for you   just hang in there

[tomjon78]

Thank you. I will try to do my best and I find that I have now a better view of her behavour pattern (BPD).

She desperately always tries to get in in her "web" by being very nice og with sex or saying things like:

"I would marry you tomorrow", "you are the only man I will ever want to be with" etc.

But shortly she just does not seem to have the endurance to just be in the moment or relax. It´s all about tension and somekind of emotional thunderstorm in her head.

I just can´t do it anymore, even though I miss her and love her.

[babyducks]

Tomjon,

I can see you are going through a difficult time.   I am sorry you are hurting.   It's never pleasant to work our way through this process.   

I remember some of your story from the last two weeks.

I believe that later on, when you have some time to reflect, you will understand how much of this is her illness.  People who suffer from the traits of BPD find intimacy and consistency very distressing to the point that they will self harm.   

Be good to yourself.

Babyducks

[tomjon78]

Well I find it strange she hasn´t sent me any text message or tried to call... . maybe she meant it she didn´t wan´t a relationship with me this time... . but I´m feeling kind of lost now... . anxious and nervous and sweaty palms 

I´m really feeling how this has messed me up. Feeling pretty sad and I havent gone off the sofa for a few hours.

[Sleep doc]

Hey TJ,

  Been following your story for afar, I'm really sorry you are going through this.  NC should be about you, not about her.  If it's about her and how she makes you miserable in the end, rather than about you and how you deserve to be happy - then you will go back whenever it looks like she will change.  When I first went to no contact, I remember telling everyone, "boy I really dodged a bullet - man am I lucky" but deep down thinking to myself, "I know I asked for no contact but am I really that replaceable".  This site taught me to realize that it doesn't matter because no contact needs to be about me. 

Epilogue - All of a sudden a month later, out of the blue, I got an email asking to reengage in contact, that she had sent me texts that I didn't respond to (I changed my phone number... . again) and some silliness about something or other.  But by then, I had moved on, not in the sense that I don't honestly miss her, care for her, and yes to some degree still love her very much, but more from the point of realizing that there was nothing to go back to.  No contact had worked but not for me to stop missing her, but for me to get my life back.  Give yourself time but do it for the right reasons.  Go to NC because YOU want to and for no other reason. 

Good luck and we are here.  We are the floor and we want to open the ceiling.  Someday you will fly through buddy... . I promise.  I am proof and without the people here it would have never happened.