5 months out and feeling good

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i havent written in what seems like a while, so just wanted to post something even though i dont have much to type... .

we broke up feb 4th, she tried recycling me 2-3 times since then, but i guess almost 2 months ago she went back to the ex she couldnt get over while she was with me and is still with him... .

anyway, the last month has been really good for me. i think of her rarely, and i feel like now its at the point of any breakup i was in... . just a memory and special caused i shared much time with her, but not for me... .

i come on the boards to read every now and then when i'm bored, but find myself not reading much any more... . i guess its partially because i dont want to ruminate and also because i dont care any more... .

pretty much just continuing to focus on myself and what i have to do and how i can get rid of all my quirks. and that makes me feel good and like i'm making progress... .

i'm pretty much in the best shape of my life, i'm partaking in my hobbies and extra-curricular projects, and lately i've been finding a confidence in me that i've lacked and my mind catches itself with certain things allowing me to not act as i would have in the past as a result of whatever - low self-esteem/confidence, or feeling inferior because of any childhood issues... .

i'm going after what i want and am currently focusing on this idea that we need to be with someone else in order to be happy. i think i'd like more time alone before i get involved with anyone, because i feel like a new person and i want the feet of that person firmly planted so i can maintain that individuality before getting in a significant relationship... .

also, its been so long since i've seen or talked to her, when i think about it, i dont even know if she has BPD or not (i used to be convinced of it), but who knows, and its not really my concern. BPD or not, i'm just gonna find a girl who treats me the way i like. 

i guess just continuing to take it day by day, learn new things each day, improve each day and just see where the road takes me.  i'm really glad my r/s with that girl is over cause it was just unhealthy and abusive and i can see clearly the damage that was done to myself - whether i inflicted it upon myself or whether my ex inflicted it... . that doesnt really matter much either, i think its just important to be aware of how and what different things can affect me.

most important thing i learned throughout all this is why its important for me to have boundaries and why i can't ignore them if they are over-stepped... . especially repeatedly... . it'll cause a great deal of internal damage... .

i also learned how i wasnt in love with her but the idea of her... . actions reveal the person, not words... .


anyway, i feel good. feel strong and i attribute that to these boards.  i hope anyone new here takes the time to learn not just about the disorder but also about themselves... . they are pretty much equally important... . maybe learning about yourself is more important, but speaking from experiencing when i started improving myself and being productive - thats when the real gains started coming

[fakename]

i havent written in what seems like a while, so just wanted to post something even though i dont have much to type... .

we broke up feb 4th, she tried recycling me 2-3 times since then, but i guess almost 2 months ago she went back to the ex she couldnt get over while she was with me and is still with him... .

anyway, the last month has been really good for me. i think of her rarely, and i feel like now its at the point of any breakup i was in... . just a memory and special caused i shared much time with her, but not for me... .

i come on the boards to read every now and then when i'm bored, but find myself not reading much any more... . i guess its partially because i dont want to ruminate and also because i dont care any more... .

pretty much just continuing to focus on myself and what i have to do and how i can get rid of all my quirks. and that makes me feel good and like i'm making progress... .

i'm pretty much in the best shape of my life, i'm partaking in my hobbies and extra-curricular projects, and lately i've been finding a confidence in me that i've lacked and my mind catches itself with certain things allowing me to not act as i would have in the past as a result of whatever - low self-esteem/confidence, or feeling inferior because of any childhood issues... .

i'm going after what i want and am currently focusing on this idea that we need to be with someone else in order to be happy. i think i'd like more time alone before i get involved with anyone, because i feel like a new person and i want the feet of that person firmly planted so i can maintain that individuality before getting in a significant relationship... .

also, its been so long since i've seen or talked to her, when i think about it, i dont even know if she has BPD or not (i used to be convinced of it), but who knows, and its not really my concern. BPD or not, i'm just gonna find a girl who treats me the way i like. 

i guess just continuing to take it day by day, learn new things each day, improve each day and just see where the road takes me.  i'm really glad my r/s with that girl is over cause it was just unhealthy and abusive and i can see clearly the damage that was done to myself - whether i inflicted it upon myself or whether my ex inflicted it... . that doesnt really matter much either, i think its just important to be aware of how and what different things can affect me.

most important thing i learned throughout all this is why its important for me to have boundaries and why i can't ignore them if they are over-stepped... . especially repeatedly... . it'll cause a great deal of internal damage... .

i also learned how i wasnt in love with her but the idea of her... . actions reveal the person, not words... .


anyway, i feel good. feel strong and i attribute that to these boards.  i hope anyone new here takes the time to learn not just about the disorder but also about themselves... . they are pretty much equally important... . maybe learning about yourself is more important, but speaking from experiencing when i started improving myself and being productive - thats when the real gains started coming

[Clearmind]

FN, that is great news. What has helped you the most?

[fakename]

I think it's gotta be just taking step after step. Whether big or small. Towards forward progress and not being hard on myself a remembering to pat mysel on the back when needed.

In the beginning and roughest stages working out helped tremendously cause it helped release endorphins and also just helped me feel better about myself physically.

Being aware to also continue to build off momentum also helped.

In the beginning it also helped learning about BPD and what was actually occurin g in the relationship.

Obviously support from these boards also was huge in my recovery.

Then making steps to get the life I want and to be te person I want to be without thinking I have to have someone else in my life or to rely on another helped.

It's hard to pin down what helped the most. Maybe it was also making the decision in te beginning to be done with the relationship and no matter what not to go back. No matter how painful in the first couple months.

I believe it's about stages and different things help in different stages and making the step into the next stage takes holding that original conviction and keeping any fears at bay because they could be a trap into circumventing the pot problems within myself or servin as a distraction.

Confronting my own issues and knowing life will only get better or where I want it is key for me. Staying steadfast and being aware that its ok to be weak sometimes and not being to hard on myself and that I'm not perfect and bein comfortable with who I am.

Reminding myself what life would be like with her in it and that it's not healthy or real and the good times aren't worth enduring the bad times/abuse.

I rambled on. But I don't think I can just point to one thing tht helped the most.

There's a lot more that I have to improve about myself to get where I want to be, but I have much better footing now than I did before.

[Clearmind]

Have you learnt more about yourself and what you want in a romantic partner? Do you feel equipped to set boudaries and know your limits?

[fakename]

Oh without a doubt.

For me recognizing WHY I should have boundaries was a big moment for me. They are there to protect me and my well being, it's not just a matter of what I like or want. When I let those boundaries be overstepped, whether I realize it immediately or not but I am losing a part of myself slowly and it will continue to deteriorate me if I continue to let boundaries overstepped.

And now I'm aware of what I want from my future partner and its more important to concede or some of the more material or superficial things but not the core values and underlying nature of the person. I would be happier alone than in something destructive.

The article on what is a healthy/unhealthy relationship was pretty eye opening to me cause I was contributing fuel to the dynamics of an unhelathy relationship by not standing up for my boundaries.

On another note.  I also am a believer of that its not about being happy all the time. It's about having peace of mind.

[Clearmind]

Oh I hear you – boundaries was one of the biggest learning curves for me too. If I had boundaries and knew myself better it would not have gone past he first date.

“I would be happier alone than in something destructive” – isn’t it amazing how we can change our perception. I never could be on my own – hence the reason why being idealized was so attractive to me.

Being comfortable in your own skin is so important. Good for you FakeName.

[fakename]

Haha yeah being idealized def. feels great and feeling like she needed me also felt great. But I feel like all that does is create a weaker me. Right? I'd rather be in a relationship where we are both independent and we both know our own self worth, which goes to the point you emphasized is why being comfortable with ourselves is so important.

I'd also like to add what helped me a bunch is not allowing myself to wallow in regret or despair. What's done was done so now what do I do to fix myself so I have a healthier future.

This site and the support of you guys also helps ad that also serves different purposes in the different stages I went through. And even now. I appreciate all the help you've given and all that you've shared.

Another thing I would tell myself is to start treating mysel as well as I treated her for once.

It all helps. I looked at it as build a strong foundation then put up multiple small pillars of support. Every little thing helps when one of the pillars temporarily goes down

[Changed4safety]

Love hearing from those who are farther along the path from I.  Thank you for sharing and letting us know the good things that are ahead for us!  Particularly resonated with getting a firm foundation as to who YOU are before starting a relationship with someone else.  Thanks so much!

[fakename]

@changed4safety,

thanks for the kind words... .

i dont want to look at it as i'm farther along than you... . i'm not quite sure how to look at it, but maybe over time throughout my recovery, i read the right collection of things or experienced the right assortment of things that helped me reach a realization that was strong enough to make me change course and steer straight ahead on that course... . you know?

she still pops into my head every now and then, but its just different now... .

anyway, i just made myself an early dinner (rediscovering my love for cooking), and am planning on watching a movie tonight alone (i'm looking forward to getting submerged into a good flick) and i'm gonna make the weekend productive... .

anything thing i noticed after writing that initial note, is that i'm losing some habits i picked up from her, and that is a relief... . i'm losing the craziness... . haha... .

also found a difference in how i dont run after another relationship... . during one of our long breakups a couple years ago i was so lost and if there was a girl that was interested, i would act like i was desperate and quickly felt i needed to attach myself to someone else... . now, there's a girl that started talking to me, and while i told her whether we get into a short or long term r/s, its important to form a friendship first, and there's no point for me to rush into anything... . and when she texts or whatever, i dont drop whatever i'm doing right away and reply, i dont get this crazy anxiety in my head like i used to, i just maintain my independence and identity... .

(not sure if i explained that well, but hopefully you get my point... . and that was one of the habits i picked up from my ex, just indulging in enmeshment... . )

haha, dont know if it makes sense, but i just know its one of the reasons i feel better about myself and why i also feel like i'm getting myself back... . so i guess i'll just buy whatever i'm selling myself!

[recoil]

It's interesting that you say that.

I'm now that way as well.  Before, I would basically jump to answer a text.  Now, I might not answer it the same day. 

I'm not sure if that's good or bad to be honest.  I now answer people when I feel like it. 

[laelle]

It's interesting that you say that.

I'm now that way as well.  Before, I would basically jump to answer a text.  Now, I might not answer it the same day. 

I'm not sure if that's good or bad to be honest.  I now answer people when I feel like it. 

I am the same.  I dont want to be that tightly wound with anyone anymore.  I am indifferent, and like you guys, I dont know if its a good thing or not.

I remember all the times I didnt respond to an email or a text quick enough and got myself ignored for a few hours with a nasty comment.  NEVER EVER AGAIN

[musicfan42]

That's great that you're feeling so good fakename

I totally agree that exercise is such a good stress reliever... . being in shape definitely makes me feel better too. It's not just a physical thing-it's a mental thing... . having that discipline really... .

[Changed4safety]

Oh my... . just had a memory of when ex and I were arguing via text (i.e. him haranguing me, in the same house >< ... . so stupid!)  I was in bed reading and he storms up demanding to know why I'm giving him the silent treatment.  I'm like   because I've had my phone and there have been no texts.  He starts to accuse me of lying and then... . ding... . about six text chimes hit all at once.  He kind of stalked off then came to bed later.  Man, so glad I don't have to deal with that kind of nonsense any more. 

[Changed4safety]

Also on your advice, I went and worked out just now.   Been way too long, but felt good!

[fakename]

yeah thats one thing i kept remembering in the beginning of the breakup when times were tough, 'as much as i miss her, at least all the unnecessary anxiety and stress is gone'... . and then it turned out that i didnt really miss her, but i missed the idea of her and who she was when she was idealizing me... .

i'd rather have something much more stable... .

keep going with the work outs! the first month i had to really force myself to, even when i was just completely down in the dumps depressed... . i reminded myself i'll feel better after (which is good for me short term), and then when i start seeing the results on a week to week basis, after a few weeks once i see real results (thats where its good for me long-term) and that in my view just creates those multiple pillars i was talking about, different things i was doing would bring me happiness or satisfaction at different points (not all at once) and so it sorta creates a stabilization... .

again, dont know if i explained that well, but hope you get what i'm saying... . change in diet, exercise, re-finding my hobbies and interests and getting reacquainted with different passions i have, and every now and then doing something fun with my friends... . but always trying to figure out what i can do to improve myself and my own issues

multiple things, and they happen to serve different purposes and have different effects, but all the while committing to the decision i made to never go back... .

hope some of the things ive said will help you as they did me

[Changed4safety]

They have.   I am growing a small container garden and cooking healthy foods with fresh herbs.  I made yogurt last week, today pretzels.   Things are on an upswing in my career (FINALLY) and I have paid my last payment on the ex's cell phone.  Trying to keep moving forward, there are good things ahead.   

[bengaltropicat]

Congratulations, Fakename,

I'm a year and eight months out from a 28 year marriage to a BPD-Narcissist and I know how difficult this transition must have been for you.  The only person who can understand the difficulties is some one who has taken the same journey out and away from the BPD experience.  As they say over and over again on these boards, NC is the only way out; otherwise it is easy to get sucked in to even more pain and punishment from the BPD.  I still have one child at home with him so we have to communicate on some level. I limited it to brief emails and didn't speak to him but 4 or 5 times since we split. 

What I can tell you is that it continues to be good and evan better as time goes on.   Don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone the way I want to but at least I'm free.   

[fakename]

@changed4safety,

thats awesome that you have good things coming your way with your career, and youre indulging in hobbies of yours that bring you joy... . in the beginning of my recovery, i used to wish i had someone to share those joys with (particularly my ex), but i guess that was just my co-dependency talking and in time that went away and as i started seeing i took part in my hobbies  because they brought me joy not because i needed to show or tell a significant other about them... . i remember i went camping the other weekend and there were maybe 2-3 brief moments when i thought and wish she was there with me, but it wasnt meant to be that way... . meaning we never could do those things in a healthy manner and it wouldnt have meant anything to her anyway... . maybe for only a couple days... . i think at those moments, i was just yearning for a significant other, and since she was the last 'meaningful' one, my thoughts fell onto her... . i choose the word 'fell' purposely, because all it is, is me settling for what i had, and probably the fear of not finding another... . but those are just fears and its irrational thinking... . independence is what will bring me peace of mind... . not latching onto another... .

@bengaltopicat,

a year and 8 months is a very long time. i think its great. i cant imagine how hard it must have been for you after a long marriage... . speaking with no experience and solely presumptions, i think it will save you and your kid. it was very courageous of you.

i get what you're saying about the trust issue. i still cant see myself trusting someone for a long time, but maybe in time that will change, if i meet the right person... . but regardless, i am thinking that if i get my solidarity up and hold my boundaries strong and am more alert, then i wont have to worry about trust, but will just do what is right for me, and see how any future relationship goes... . more importantly for me right now if continuing to build my inner confidence. thats one of my main focuses as of late and to stop letting what others think or say affect me at all... . i'm doing well in that regard, just need to make it sorta like 2nd nature for myself... .